My Wife Just Said… #89
“Oh! Quickscratchmyback! Left! Down! No UP! THERE!!! YES!!! Kill! Torture! Mame! Destroy! Ahhhhhhhhhh. Thanks.” -Elizabeth ““ Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
How to Raise a Hobbit
I’ve written this brief How-To guide for my fellow fanatics, who have or plan to have kids, to raise their human children as hobbits. Why, you ask? I loved The Hobbit before I even read it. It was like I was born under the enchantment of its magical spell. Reading it in my teens only […]
The 3 Ps of Parenting
Nothing can prepare you. Nothing! Just like war, no matter what you read or watch, or how many in-the-trenches stories you hear from gray-faced veteran parents, nothing“”NOTHING!!!””can prepare you for the amount of pee, puke and poop that will be unleashed upon you once your baby arrives. The 3 Ps of Parenting. Mothers may even […]
Darth Vader Santa Says…
Sometimes getting into the holiday spirit can be as tough as squeezing into a pair of 10-year-old jeans. Though, by saying that, I’m not suggesting that a generous amount of Vaseline and a heavy-duty pair of pliers applied to your zipper area is going to help get you into “the most wonderful time of the […]
My Wife Just Said… #87
“I’ve never bobbed for apples. All for the best… I’d probably drown.” -Elizabeth ““ Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
Kid Versions of the Hulk, Wolverine, Ted Williams & The Naked Brothers Band
I make birthday cards for my sons. These are Cody’s and Max’s cards for 2008 (8yo and 6yo) and 2009 (9yo and 7yo). For 2008, the fact that my boys were into comic book characters rocked my world, even if it was by way of movies instead of the glossy pages of actual comic books. […]
The Infinite Loop of Kids
When your ass starts twitching, it’s usually due to the ignored impulse of your body telling you that it wants to run away (screaming optional). Fixed smiles and mechanical bobs of the head are often our last resort in being encouraging parents. Let me explain. Kid repetition > Parent patience A joke told fifty […]
My Kid Just Interrupted… #13
[Talking at dinner, our 3yo interrupts] Lucas: “Mouskerdee MOUSKERDOOOOOO!!!” Lizzie: “Lucas, we’re talki””” Lucas: “Wus DAT!?!” Me: “It’s turkey, man. C’mon, we’re talkin””” Lucas: “I do NOT wike it!” Lizzie: “Yes, it’s a different kind, but it’s still turk””” Lucas: “I pooping in my underwear.” Lizzie: “Come here, let me check.” [She pulls open his […]
Parent Safety: Thanksgiving InnuenDON’TS
When you haven’t eaten in a while, you get hungry. When “a while” is actually the length of time things need to fossilize, you starve! You can start smelling delicious phantom whiffs, or hear something you could have sworn was bacon joyously sizzling a second ago. It’s the same with sex. Except for the sizzling […]
Don’t Bring Dirty Looks to a Machete Fight
How many looks of disgust or ohmahgosh rolls of the eyes do you think this mom gets breastfeeding in public? Bingo! Not many. At least not from people with a full set of arms in their collection. You could argue that it’s because she’s a part of a primitive society and that they’re all simply […]
