How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Furniture Assembly Can Sük


Funny Paradox Furniture IKEA Parody

Sometimes the stuff you’ve got to put together does look like it’s going to need to violate the laws of physics for it to ever actually come together.

I’ve been putting stuff together since I was a kid, or taking it apart, and even I’ve been daunted by some of the “destructions” I’ve occasionally had to follow.

My experience has taught me that even if you’re sickeningly handy or designing bridges for a living, it can still sük. Hey! Try to build a bridge Mr. McEngineer with missing or broken parts, or instructions that were drawn by drunk frogs with pencils taped to their asses and translated into English-ish with a Speak & Spell.

    Step 1) Connect part 37 into part 2R like picture. Use 3 screw #B.

    Step 2) Befor doing step 1 make sure to inserting washer.

    Step 3.5) Since you did step 1 before you reading step 2, un do step 1 then do step 2

    Step 5) Lose mind and destroy unassembled product. rinse repeat.

Maybe the instructions are fine, okay? Whatever. Maybe they’re just pictures, hieroglyphs for idiots, like some simple toddler’s board book (except printed on tissue paper). Whatever the case may be, however easy or difficult it is, it does seem there just winds up being a crap ton of everything to build and assemble once you and yours have built a child.

Oh man. Where did I put the #B screws?

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Instructional Diagrams
No assembly required.


21 Responses to “Furniture Assembly Can Sük”

  1. Jeremy says:

    You can tell you didn’t spend your childhood with your face in a lego box. I can see where folks would have issues with instructions from you know where. The main problem is that there are NO written instructions. Everything is in picto-graph format. Can be confusing for sure.

  2. QuirkyDad says:

    I’m getting dizzy just looking at these but my dad ego is telling me I could put these together in record time.

  3. Stacey B. says:

    This is when I just pass everything over to Husband and turn a blind eye.

  4. Desiree says:

    Intelligence has no bearing. I curse just as hard as a lumberjack would while I’m digging that last screw back out of the hole I drilled because it apparently went somewhere else, but looked exactly like the one in the drawing on the other page, which told you to use the allen wrench you lost into the inside of the now permanent glued drawer to assembling the legs of a table that is now permanently scratched by frenzied motions with the screwdriver while in the most recent apoplectic rage.

  5. kevin says:

    My family has a term for someone who is diving into a Swedish furniture assembly project. They’re an Ikeologist. They’ll spend many hours with their head down, puzzling over the meaning of some heiroglyph or strange metal flange, and eventually assemble something that may or may not exactly resemble what it’s supposed to look like, but it’s as close as we can get and we don’t know the difference anyway.

  6. MrTwincredible says:

    I just spent Saturday evening changing the convertible cribs into toddler beds. It required one hex screwdriver (as well as the original z-shaped hex “wrench) and nine hex screws to undo and redo. Similar to Swedish furniture, it’s just a pictograph instructions. I cursed multiple times but was surprised it only took me about an hour and half to do two cribs.

    I’ll be honest, I did fist-bump the wife when I got done with it.

  7. Cathy says:

    This is so perfect! I love the Escher-like illustrations. So true!

    Hope it’s okay to share a link, but this is a super hilarious post on the same topic by one of my favorite bloggers (besides YOU, of course!):

    Had me in tears! 🙂

  8. Laurie says:

    Yes sir, this is where my husband excels, one of many places the man excels thankfully!

    • Andy says:

      I like the challenge and am pretty good but sometimes it is pretty astonishing how poorly put together the instructions for putting things together are. 😉

  9. I’m an Engineer, and somehow manage to assemble despite those poorly written instructions by our Swiss amigos.

    I, however, would love the challenge of assembling The Paradox.

  10. Jo says:

    Just remember, you’re always supposed to have ‘extra parts’…you know, parts left over after you’re done…at least that’s what my husband always says… 0_o

  11. There’s a market to be tapped here … create a new line of furniture accompanied by legible, credible instructions. I suspect people would flock to said company.

  12. Ari Z. says:

    Sometimes it is better to just buy already assembled furniture. Real wood furniture tends to last longer than particleboard pieces you have to assemble yourself. Plus, even if you have the skills to put together your own furnishings, do you have the time do so so watching the kids at home?

  13. Tom says:

    How timely. Just received the convertable bench/table from CostCo and followed the picture-puzzle instructions exactly, to the point where MCL bolt (x4) wouldn’t fit through MCE/MBB joint holes because of a &$@?!!! cotter pin from 19 steps earlier blocking the holes unless it is installed the opposite direction.

  14. Trixie says:

    One word EXPEDIT. Once you have mastered this genius item, you are golden. Your children can put this together, not kidding, my children always assemble this item when purchased. Often. I tell you, EXPEDIT. If you don’t live in an IKEA area, drive there, it’s worth the drive. Do not mess with imitators no Lowe’s, no Walmart, no CostCo, you people are kidding yourselves.

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