How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The All-Parent, All-Kid Airplane

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All-Parent, All-Kid Plane

[ click the image to enlarge ]

This is not an illustration of a children’s toy, it’s a concept for an actual airplane. A plane that every airline should have in its fleet, juuuuuuust in case.

What if it happened? A flight that consisted of 100% parents with their babies or kids. Theoretically it HAS to happen at some point. An entire passenger list consisting of one or two adults accompanying one or more babies or kids each. The perfect storm. ALL PARENTS AND KIDS.

Soaring several thousand feet in the air, at hundreds of miles per hour in a loud, cramped metal tube can be an interesting place for parents and non-parents to rub elbows for a few hours. But parents know that having an all-parent, all-kid flight would be about as dumb as a pillow filled with doorknobs.

It can have its drawbacks, for parents to be around other parents in unplanned circumstances. Babies can cry and wake up other babies, most kids like slathering each other in each other’s germs for fun, and bathroom lines can suck away all calm and will to live.

Imagine it!

Feed Yourself Right

Sugar-free treats or chamomile and tryptophane-infused snacks? Me me me me! A full bar offering stimulating coffee, soothing teas or the stiffer “make it all go away” sauce of your choice? Yes, all of the above, please. Private and communal breastfeeding stations, anyone? Yes, ma’am, as you wish.

Double-Decker

Anyone can see the sense in a Sleep Deck, separate from the regular Awake Deck, with fold-down beds not just for kids but also for the zombies formerly known as their parents.

Built Kid Tough

We can all appreciate bodily-fluid-proof carpeting and upholstery, as well as non-stick, washable cabin walls and surfaces. If not for our flight, then at least so we don’t feel like we’re sitting in the dirty diaper of the flight before ours.

Roomy Restrooms

Speaking of bodily fluids! How about a deck just for toilet compartments large enough for a parent and their reluctant (or overly-eager) child to go potty, or change a loaded diaper on changing tables larger than a toilet seat lid!

Child Management

Keeping a kid still and seated is no longer necessary with such features as cockpit tours, an Activity Deck with an in-flight jungle gym and crawling tubes, and all windows set to a child’s height. And if it’s your style, a secluded time-out section is located at the back of the plane.
 

I know! It’s all too much, too good to be true, to become a reality. But they also said that about Man ever flying, right!?! The plane’s manufacturers could even get all cute and Swedish and call it the Störk or something! Holy crap! Can you even imagine the possibility of polite, understanding flight attendants that have all had at least three kids, raised through their teens? I know. Now I’m losing my mind. I’ll stop before I start smearing poop on the walls and duct-taping gardening tools to my head.

More Instructional Diagrams
C’mon. They’re good for you.
 

52 Comments

52 Responses to “The All-Parent, All-Kid Airplane”

  1. Ha ha. Airlines are always fighting to distinguish themselves from competitors. How about being family friendly? On some flights at least? Have 3 X 6 feet play area? That would remove seats for paying customers. Ok, then: at least, a play area in the terminal?

  2. Krysta says:

    Awesome. Just awesome.

  3. Elizabeth says:

    I LOVE THIS IDEA!! This must happen. I would feel so much better about taking the little one on a plane! You rock my Luv.

  4. Marianna says:

    I love this plane. Maybe then I would actually fly with my kids. :)

  5. MotherDuck says:

    Freaking Brilliant!!!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha ha! I hope that restroom deck has proper changing tables! Though you haven’t really lived until you’ve had to change a very messy diaper in a somewhat turbulent plane. Pay attention airlines! I would pay extra for this!

  6. Russ says:

    Genius!

    I fear that kids would try to bring the plane down just so they could get that bouncy inflated. I might help. I love me a bounce house.

  7. Sigurrós says:

    I love the idea of a fake cockpit for kid tours :)

  8. I want a fake cockpit for adult tours, where I can pretend to fly the plane! Please?

    • Andy says:

      Me too! Even if it doesn’t actually affect anything, I’d just love to hold the controls! And make fake and highly alarming announcements to the passengers. ;)

  9. Shani G says:

    laughing.my.ass.off.

  10. Tiffani says:

    I’m still looking for the correct snacks to be served. Goldfish for the kids and xanax for the moms.

  11. Evonne says:

    Brilliant! Love it!! But does it come with child carers for the parents having their own time out on the sleep deck?

  12. Louise says:

    Just spent one hour on a train with my crawler. All she wanted was a 9 foot stretch she could move about on without getting trodden on. Is that too much to ask? And maybe a slide and a giant abacus :)

  13. Kez says:

    So many possibilities!!!!

  14. David says:

    The sleep deck should be ABOVE the awake deck. Nice diagram though.

    • Andy says:

      I thought about that but think about it: if you or your kids were crashed out on one level, would you want a stampede of excited energy-drunk kids and parents with urgent bathroom duties to attend to running up stairs that went through your sleepy-time?

  15. Sam says:

    wow!!! how about a whole team of nice child loving nannies who will play with your child while you watch a movie and relax!!!!

  16. MamaMunch says:

    Yes, yes, oh, and did I mention yes? And I’m with MotherDuck, I would totally pay extra if this stuff was available!

  17. Lorena says:

    You are a freakin genius! I also think the bouncy house should be the standard way to disembark. And as for worrying about CAT (clear-air-turbulence) while in the activity deck? Padded walls, ceilings and floors!

    Hey- do you have Bransen’s personal email? You should totally send this to him. Just saying’…

    • Andy says:

      I’m a freak for sure, the jury is still out on the genius part though. ;) I COMPLETELY agree on the standard disembark procedure. ;)

  18. Kelley says:

    Amen to a diaper changing area bigger than a toilet seat lid!

  19. Betty says:

    Andy this is hilarious! Had to share with my intimate group of readers! Thanks :-)

  20. Jess says:

    This hits home far too well considering the toddler (1 1/2yrs old) and I will be flying to Paraguay to visit my sister and her 5 kids. Not the toddler’s first flying adventure but certainly the first LONGEST adventure ANYWHERE. This will be interesting.

    • Andy says:

      I hope once you’re done you can still use the adjective “interesting” to refer to the trip. I haven’t done a big trip with my kids yet.

  21. sofia says:

    Oh yes! We NEED this plane too! Are flying from Europe to Singapore with a 2 year old who is convinced that sleeping on airplanes is totally overrated ;-)
    Btw love your blog! Just great!!!
    Sofia

  22. Jodi says:

    I just saw this and love it! You need to send this to Sir Richard Branson and the CEO of IKEA stat. Together these two could make our dreams come true.

  23. Nyrial says:

    Yes, great idea until some parent decides to sue the airline and manufacturer because their kid bumped their head on the ceiling during turbulence.

  24. Briar says:

    Love this! Also in bathrooms need hand held shower head for hosing off little ones who get sick, and their parents who are caught off guard. My 18 mo old had it on a 12 hr flight. Both of us changed clothes twice and still ended up half naked and stinky at our destination.

  25. Seth Cross says:

    I see one major flaw with this design which is easily fixed… switch the sleep and awake decks. Children are pros at making noise through the floor. harder to make noise up through the ceiling.

  26. I 100% agree with the switching of the sleep / awake decks having lived in a condo below children. Somehow, the insulation between floors mysteriously amplifies children’s pitter patter so they sound like a herd of fleeing elephants.

  27. Stacy says:

    Very nice prototype — kid friendly for sure!

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