Kids and Koalas
You had a baby. Yay! You should realize that kids tend to grow up and get “less cute” to “outright ugly” from time to time. At first, the little one can turn your heart into something similar to what a microwave can turn a stick of butter into in 13.3 seconds. This may be by […]
My Wife Just Raged… #96
“Ugh! My hatred for my phone right now outweighs my hatred of the Taliban!” -Elizabeth ““ Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
What Your Pizza Toppings Can Say About You (Illustrated)
Science has proven that you aren’t actually “what you eat,” at least not literally. But what you do eat CAN say a lot about you. This is so true for pizza. Maybe pizza toppings won’t tell you who to marry or who to hire for your taxes, but that’s what Magic 8-Balls are for, right? […]
Unicorn Poop or How I Fell in Love with the Daughter I Never Had
I’m not much of a “Guy” or “Man” in the senses used in the advice given in the movie Say Anything: “Don’t be a guy, be a man.” Whichever stereotype coloring book you’re using, most of my colors wind up outside the lines. But I do have a penis and three boys to prove it, […]
My Wife Just Said… #95
“Just had a cup of piping hot tea with milk and gourmet honey. All is right as rain now. All the world needs is a nice cup of tea.” [sigh] -Elizabeth ““ Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
Tissues & Tampons
My entire family just went down with the flu at the same time. It was like a horror movie, one by one we fell. My wife was the last one standing. For a while, she even deluded herself that this would be one of those movies where one character gets out alive, to reflect on […]
Getting an Evite for Sex
The start of my, shall we say, intimate relationship with my spouse was about as far from spontaneous as possible. When you’re in a long distance relationship and seeing your significant other requires plane tickets, you tend to plan. With a sense of humor and a holiday calendar, we scheduled our first time together for […]
My Wife Just Said… #93
“Ohmygah… [cough] my fever’s so bad… feels like my boobs are hardboiled.” -Elizabeth Mmm. Flu season was never this sexy. Or something. ““ Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
My Kid Just Said… #16
“If I twist my penis, I can fwy up in da sky.” -Lucas (3 years old) Get to da choppah? My first response to this statement was… a lot of silence, followed by a lot of hrghnck (the strangled sound of poorly-restrained uncontrollable laughter). I was reminded of bits in cartoons where characters used their […]
Senior vs. Baby
C’mon. It’s true. No disrespect to the elderly (or babies)! We’ve all got parents, or grandparents, that are old””except for Ryan Seacrest maybe, I’m still not convinced he’s human even if I can’t prove it. Don’t talk to me about his bellybutton, it was probably surgically added later. But I digress! Admittedly, being elderly has […]
