Rad/Bad Stuff: KILLING FRIGGIN’ BUGS Edition
I’m outdoorsish. I’m not like Bear Grylls or the Crocodile Hunter though, so I can’t whistle casually while a fly drinks moisture from my eyeballs. Though maybe I could do a shot of my own urine if I was paid enough, but let’s move on.
This spring and summer I’ve been tormented by flying insuckts, so I’m compelled to tell you about some of the things I’ve found as counter-measures online. The good news is, winged bug assassination has come a long way from the nearest magazine or crappy plastic swatters your little kids inevitably and inexplicable find and stick in their mouth.
There are some interesting solutions for the different types of people out there.
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For the CommandoConventional swatters and rolled-up reading material often leave you winded and frustrated, or in need of a new lamp or other home decoration casualty. To heck with that! Don’t let bugs humiliate you or stain your walls as their final taunt. You don’t have to be “sporting” when you’re hunting some buzzing turd with wings. Especially if the intruder has a stinger. Now you can just blow them the eff away! Point blank. Just load your BUG-A-SALT shotgun with standard-issue table salt ammo, and >chk-chk< say "hasta la vista, buggy." Get your bug boom stick here |
For the TechnologistInaTrap Electronic Insect Killer and Elegant Night Light* Not sure when Steve Jobs and Papa Smurf met up, but I am sure that when they did, they decided to bring the sweet silent sound of death to bugs AND stylish illumination to your home. You may be bummed though, if you love hearing the satisfying ZORP! when one of the douchesuckers rides the lightning like they do in a traditional mad scientist’s sizzling bug zapper. |
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For the Eco-terroristIf you’re more of a Circle of Life bug assassin, this should be right up your hiking trail. Fight nature with nature. It’s better than fighting things with fire, because fire burns things beyond the things you want it to burn. Trust me on this. |
For the PacifistIt’s not just a saying, there are actually people who “couldn’t hurt a fly.” And it’s safe to assume they’re probably racked with guilt if they kill any insect. Now they can deck themselves out in these stylish net fashions to keep the bugs away while they keep their swooning admirers at bay. |
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So there you go. Wherever that is. Hey, at least there might be fewer flying bugs there, right? At least you won’t be pimp slapping yourself as much. Maybe. Ugh.
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Instructional Diagrams
Not at all useful, but totally free.
Colton Finch says: 
