Something Weird This Way Hops
I love Easter. I remember the delight of waking up to that castle of wicker and crimped plastic grass, surrounded in its cellophane force field, protecting its treasure trove of candy and grocery-store-grade toys. But, having kids gives you perspective. What was once a bright-eyed bunny made of chocolate can start to look creepy and weird, Donnie Darko style.
“Daddy, where does the Cadbury Easter Bunny come from?”
Observing my kids’ first view of the Cadbury Creme Egg commercial suddenly had me thinking, “WTF are they making of this?” I found myself explaining to them: “No no, it’s chocolate he’s laying, not… the other brown substance. You see, it’s a bunny… that sounds like a chicken… because… never mind. They’re yummy!”
When weirdness grows up with you it does a great job of passing itself off as normal.
But even in the present, we were shopping and stumbled upon this steaming slice of Easter weird. The “Try Me” label on a package called out to me from across the toy aisle.
Creepiest Easter toy ever. Hear the children screaming?
I felt sad starring into his beady, black eyes as I squeezed his tummy to make him spurt out his autotune rendition of Peter Cottontail, which just sounded to me like, “Be kind and kill me now. Please end my suf-fer-ring.”
Not a big wonder, his misery. Most of his little animal friends are doomed this time of year to have either their heads or butts bitten off before being messily consumed by sugar-mad kids.
Devouring small woodland animals seems to be a big part of Easter.
Then there are Peeps. Even as a kid, I never liked ’em. Sorry, Peep fans. I like sweets, but not pouring a cup of sugar into my open mouth or shaping it into a baby bird before doing so. Easter is the Ozzy Osbourne of holidays.
I saw a kid posing last year with some poor bastard in a not-so-white bunny suit. The kid was holding his already beheaded chocolate bunny in his little fist and the man-rodent was awkwardly trying to hug the boy while avoiding getting chocolate all over his faux fur. All the other children in the park watched intently, as if wary the giant scary bunny monster might decide to attack and bite their heads off.
Weird.
Click here for an Instructional Diagram helpful to dads who want to protect their own Easter eggs.
Eric Ruhalter says: 
Bertha 
Jennifer 
