How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Kid Vomit Target Probability Chart



Kids seem to have a kind of horrible instinct mixed with a curse of bad luck. A kind of Murphy’s Law born into them.

Mysteriously, critters of the wild are pre-programmed with certain knowledge and skills. A male dog lifts its leg to pee without ever seeing his dad do it. A weaver bird crafts wicker palaces without a single inspiration printout from Pinterest. Sea turtles navigate entire oceans without a compass or Google Maps. They just know.

For kids, it’s like a sixth sense, except it’s a SICK sense. They annihilate the laws of probability with their “gift”, seeming to know just how to stomp to make their dad squeak like a prepubescent pig, where a drawing will be the hardest and most expensive to remove, and, sadly, the worst possible places for their pukecano to erupt when they’re ill.

It’d be nice if our kids were born knowing how to play a piano or pick winning lottery numbers, instead of knowing how to drop our phones in just right to shatter the screen.

When they’re all grown up, maybe the laws of probability try to balance things out, compelling our kids to have kids of their own. So one day, we can hear the story of our grandchild projectile vomiting directly in their open mouth.

Thanks to Clorox for partnering with us to make this post. C’mon. How rad is that? They sponsored a chart of the wild vomiting habits of kids. Haha! They’re awesome.

Check Out More Shenanigans on Clorox’s SpinCycle


3 Responses to “Kid Vomit Target Probability Chart”

  1. KC says:

    I don’t know what it is about being a dad, but whenever my kids start the telltale lurching, my hands instinctively go out to try and catch the torrent of puke that pours forth. Which, ironically, actually ends up creating more of a mess.

  2. BJC says:

    My daughter was a projectile vomiter (her record was 6ft – we measured). We learned to ID the 5sec warning sign (a slightly blue tint around pinched lips) & to quickly turn her towards us to ‘catch’ it. We found that it was easier to clean our clothing & ourselves than the furniture or carpet. Kids sure raise your GTL (Grossness Tolerance Limit).

  3. Dan says:

    My wife is the “puke catcher” in our family. I typically jump away so it doesn’t get me and find it’s easier to clean off our wood floors than off my clothes AND I don’t feel like I’m covered in puke for 4 days after many, many showers. My son will often put too much food in his mouth and choke on it. He kind of has the same gag reflex that I did as a kid.

Leave a Reply

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.