Our readers are awesome. These are THEIR stories.
Who needs Photoshopped magazine covers or Hollywood’s gratuitous scenes of hard-bodied celebrities who inexplicably need to shed clothing to give you crippling insecurity about your body and physical appearance when you’re a parent. You have a live-in demotivational speaker with absolutely zero percent filter and 100% oversharativeness: your kid.
Last week we asked “What amazingly brutal things have your kids said to you?” and got such a flood of comments sharing the cringe-worthy “truth” bazookas your kids have fired at you, we knew a hilariously awful collection of them needed to exist. Voilà!
A lot of the quotes were aimed at our personal appearance, so that’s the theme for this first “Gee Thanks, Kid” post. Enjoy! (No children were throttled in the making of or as a result of this post. We hope.)
NO ONE should ask or imply that a woman might be pregnant. Ever. This needs to be taught in kindergarten or earlier or in utero.
He’s not a member of the Hair Club for Men, he’s just your dad. Go easy.
Take a deep breath. Then take bitter comfort in the fact that their faces will probably be deep dish pizzas in about a decade.
After a comment like that, it’s totally okay if the laundry hamper you throw this shirt into just happens to be a trash can.
Pokey, spiky, prickly, whatever they say just remember: they know not what they say.
Sometimes the inventive imagination of a child falls short of proudness.
All the better to gnaw away at my own self-esteem, my dear.
It’s called water displacement. And you being an insensitive a-hole.
What the what? Your hair styles consists of whatever I do with it and spit-patting. C’mon!
I want to applaud your knowledge of science but at the same time there are other clappy things I want to do with my hands to you.
That’s some next level fashion police brutality right there.
Well… it is a beloved play thing. So, there that. Right? Yikes.
Hey, kid, showers take half the time it takes me to get you in PJs, story-time’ed and in bed.
Aw, now they’re just asking for a pillow fight annihilation.
Wow. Single motherhood just got real. Real f*cking dark. It’s a good thing we love our kids and also it’s illegal to ship them to other countries.
Okay, so this from someone who’s picked their nose in public and worn pajamas all day in public?
Oh. That would be so so so sweet, in some kind of alternate opposite reality.
Tell me again, how old do kids need to be for it to be socially acceptable for us to carpet f-bomb them?
No. Just no. All of the no’s. You’ve just earned the birds and the bees talk, young one!
Sheesh! The little filterless boogers blurt out the cruelest burns without batting a cute lil’ innocent eyelash.
Tell us the wonderfully terrible, terribly wonderful things your kids have said! The next theme will probable be age related. Have your kids said anything that made you feel like a fossil?