How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

20 Brutal Things Kid Say About Our Appearance (Gee Thanks, Kid!)

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Our readers are awesome. These are THEIR stories.

Who needs Photoshopped magazine covers or Hollywood’s gratuitous scenes of hard-bodied celebrities who inexplicably need to shed clothing to give you crippling insecurity about your body and physical appearance when you’re a parent. You have a live-in demotivational speaker with absolutely zero percent filter and 100% oversharativeness: your kid.

Last week we asked “What amazingly brutal things have your kids said to you?” and got such a flood of comments sharing the cringe-worthy “truth” bazookas your kids have fired at you, we knew a hilariously awful collection of them needed to exist. Voilà!

A lot of the quotes were aimed at our personal appearance, so that’s the theme for this first “Gee Thanks, Kid” post. Enjoy! (No children were throttled in the making of or as a result of this post. We hope.)

Gee Thanks Kid baby tummy still
NO ONE should ask or imply that a woman might be pregnant. Ever. This needs to be taught in kindergarten or earlier or in utero.

Gee Thanks Kid runaway hair
He’s not a member of the Hair Club for Men, he’s just your dad. Go easy.

Gee Thanks Kid zits
Take a deep breath. Then take bitter comfort in the fact that their faces will probably be deep dish pizzas in about a decade.

Gee Thanks Kid moobs
After a comment like that, it’s totally okay if the laundry hamper you throw this shirt into just happens to be a trash can.

Gee Thanks Kid cactus legs
Pokey, spiky, prickly, whatever they say just remember: they know not what they say.

Gee Thanks Kid belly bra
Sometimes the inventive imagination of a child falls short of proudness.

Gee Thanks Kid beaver teeth
All the better to gnaw away at my own self-esteem, my dear.

Gee Thanks Kid tub
It’s called water displacement. And you being an insensitive a-hole.

Gee Thanks Kid not good hair
What the what? Your hair styles consists of whatever I do with it and spit-patting. C’mon!

Gee Thanks Kid liquid solid
I want to applaud your knowledge of science but at the same time there are other clappy things I want to do with my hands to you.

Gee Thanks Kid dad homeless
That’s some next level fashion police brutality right there.

Gee Thanks Kid playdoh
Well… it is a beloved play thing. So, there that. Right? Yikes.

Gee Thanks Kid stinky daddy
Hey, kid, showers take half the time it takes me to get you in PJs, story-time’ed and in bed.

Gee Thanks Kid belly pillow
Aw, now they’re just asking for a pillow fight annihilation.

Gee Thanks Kid marry boobs
Wow. Single motherhood just got real. Real f*cking dark. It’s a good thing we love our kids and also it’s illegal to ship them to other countries.

Gee Thanks Kid going out
Okay, so this from someone who’s picked their nose in public and worn pajamas all day in public?

Gee Thanks Kid fat leg
Oh. That would be so so so sweet, in some kind of alternate opposite reality.

Gee Thanks Kid big nipple
Tell me again, how old do kids need to be for it to be socially acceptable for us to carpet f-bomb them?

Gee Thanks Kid pregnant dad
No. Just no. All of the no’s. You’ve just earned the birds and the bees talk, young one!

Sheesh! The little filterless boogers blurt out the cruelest burns without batting a cute lil’ innocent eyelash.

Tell us the wonderfully terrible, terribly wonderful things your kids have said! The next theme will probable be age related. Have your kids said anything that made you feel like a fossil?



9 Responses to “20 Brutal Things Kid Say About Our Appearance (Gee Thanks, Kid!)”

  1. Emmanuel says:

    Not something my kids have said, but I used to tell my mom her stomach was “masa” (or dough in English) and I wanted to make tortillas out of it.

    The worst my daughters have said is my breath is stinky. Which hurt a little.

    • Andy says:

      Hahahahaha! I love good Mexican food, but that’s rough.

      Recently, my son sprayed me with his mom’s rose water screened spray because “the room smelled too much like Daddy.” Ouch.

  2. Norah's Mom says:

    I get a lot of “Mommy, you’re so squishy!” But then one day, a VERY full-figured young lady – in a fabulous dress – walked past, and my 3-year-old said “Mommy, she’s BEAUTIFUL!”

    That’s when I realized that some of the things I was hearing as criticism were actually words of adoration. She doesn’t know society’s expectations of the female form yet…what she loves is what’s beautiful to her.

  3. Jess says:

    My 4 year old told me recently, “wow mommy, you’re getting big! You’ve really grown!”.

    I understand that I’m overweight, but he fails to understand that I’m getting smaller, not larger. #ouch

  4. tara says:

    Mom, your breath smells like a squirrel family pooped in your mouth.

  5. shaffizan says:

    Mommy, even when elephant do jogging this morning. We are still calling them as elephant.

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