Becoming a parent was one of the most important and transformative things that has ever happened in my life. I can’t understate how much it’s changed me. I don’t think I ever truly understood what it meant to platonically love another human being until I had my boys.
That being said…
There are moments when we all need a break. The trouble with breaks, for me, is the nostalgia that accompanies them. “Remember those days when…?” Here, now, is my list of five things I miss about being lonely and carefree and immature and lazy and… well, being without children…
…as illustrated by THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. BECAUSE YES.
1. Eating Whatever I Want, Whenever I Want
New Line Cinema / Nwtfliz
Remember that time you decided to go find a Korean barbecue place at four in the morning and you decided to drive up to San Francisco because you wanted a great Thai meal instead? Neither do I, but the point is IF I WANTED TO… not an option.
At least not without three days of prep, a week of whining children and even less sleep than an insomniac with a meth addiction.
2. Extracurricular Activities
New Line Cinema / Giphy.com
Going to the movies all the time? Eating a dinner at a restaurant that doesn’t have squeaky toys or foam pads covering corners? Going to a concert?
These are just a few things that went on the Endangered Species list for me as a parent. I just don’t have a schedule that permits them. I can hear you all yelling at me now in the comments about being a martyr or whatever. Sure, I could carve out time to do this more of this stuff, but I’d either have to hire someone to watch my kids so I can go out or I don’t get to go out with my favorite person. Either way, I’m taking the hit. And I’m not quite self-obsessed enough to make that a regular thing. I got shit to do.
Also, just using the bathroom without being interrupted would be nice.
3. More Time To Take Care of Myself
New Line Cinema / Giphy.com
Aging is a bitch. Aging while taking care of two kids is like watching that guy in Indiana Jones who chose the wrong grail cup. I think I’ve aged faster and more hideously in the last five years than all of my teenage years combined.
As I’ve said before, I think my sons are growing rapidly because THEY ARE STEALING MY YOUTH from me. THIEVES.
4. Hanging Out with Friends
New Line Cinema / BroBible.com
When you have kids, something magical happens. You stop hanging out with people. Well, MAYBE if they have kids. Or at least as much. I didn’t have many friends to begin with but this drought is the worst I’ve seen in decades. Sure, I talk to lots of people by text and on this stupid website (which I very much enjoy), but face-to-face conversations are at an all-time low. Like the current goodwill for airline company industry social media.
5. Not Caring About Someone Like My Life Depended On It
New Line Cinema / Gif-Weenus.com
Remember that time you didn’t worry about another human being breathing, playing, learning, burping, eating, sleeping or being happy? Me neither. And this is why I wouldn’t have it any other way. These two life-suckers are the best thing ever. And my wife tops off my happiness glass. Sure, I wonder about what my life would’ve been like without them, but then I get visions of George Bailey running down a street crying and wishing it could all go back again. Their happiness is intertwined with mine now.
The struggle and the worry and the pain and love is all worth it. And that, dudes, is worth more than just pizza and a cowabunga.
PS: That new TMNT movie looks like total horseshit, right?
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Here are some more rules for parents…
Like you needed more.