How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Diaper Change Threat Condition & Awareness Chart


Diaper Change Threat Condition and Awareness Chart

Some consider that one of the top rules of good parenting is preparedness. But those people are either crazy or selling something, don’t listen to them. You’re going to do a lot better as a parent if you do so from a solid foundation of reality.

When it comes to the reality of your baby’s bodily functions and diapers, it’s best to just accept that you’re now in possession of a bio-weapon that will go off ten to a hundred times a day. Or none at all, on those occasional days of dreadful suspense and waiting, when the diaper is freakishly clean or dry every time you check it. But (pun intended), in the end (also intended), what goes in must come out.

You must be watchful. As long as you are also aware that your watchfulness will often serve no purpose whatsoever.

Like this Instructional Diagram, parents try make some sense of it, making up a mental scale of diaper change threat levels. We keep track of how much juice Johnny drank, or how long it’s been since any fresh butt brownies were cooked up. Some even count farts for goodness sake!

Good luck with all that. Round and round it goes, and when it blows, nobody knows.

It’s totally okay to use this chart to give yourself an artificially inflated sense of preparedness. Sometimes you need a little fantasy to survive reality.


Follow us on Facebook and stay prepared. Stay safe. Or just laugh at us.

Instructional Diagrams Are the Opposite of Boring


9 Responses to “Diaper Change Threat Condition & Awareness Chart”

  1. I don’t miss changing diapers. Having said that, changing my own kiddo’s diapers wasn’t half as bad as I thought it would be before becoming a Dad.

  2. Sammo says:

    There’s also the “quiet before the storm” indicator. Child is making lots of noise and then suddenly runs into the other room and it becomes so quiet you can hear a pin drop. They either pooped the motherload, or changed your computer’s password and logged out.

  3. Jo says:

    Hehe… These are phenomenal! “buttquake” that’s great! BAHAHAHA… It’s funny cuz it’s true!!

  4. Kai says:

    Our three month old goes crosseyed. We know when the three stooges act comes out that its time to done the hazmat and prepare for a blow out πŸ˜‰

  5. Marissa says:

    my son gets this double chin thing. He grunts really loud and stops dead in his tracks. He can’t even walk after he drop a bomb. He just stands there looking at me like “mommy help”

  6. Good one Andy. Hazmat suit should be standard issue for diaper changes.

  7. Been there, done that says:

    Buttquake! Mega Lol
    γ€‚β˜† γ€‚β˜†γ€‚β˜†
    。o00O. 。
    β˜† ( ) O00oβ˜†
    β˜… \ ( ( ) β˜…
    。 \ _ ) ) /. 。
    β˜† . ( _ / β˜†
    γ€‚β˜†γ€‚ γ€‚β˜†γ€‚
    β˜†γ€‚ β˜…γ€‚ β˜†
    Your Brownies
    are ready.

  8. Peggy says:

    I am doubled over! My son just adopted and he’s getting a huge lesson in parenting!

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