Listen, I’m crazy busy wrapping presents and half of my family has a stomach virus, so this is going to be quick and dirty. The claims made here are under the duress of sleep deprivation the likes of which would kill a normal man, alas I AM NO NORMAL GUY. I AM SUPERCHRISTMASMEGADAD.
“Home Alone” is a classic holiday movie and Macauley Culkin rakes in the cash around this time of year. I mean literally. With a rake. It just snows money at his villa in Italy or whatever, and he goes outside to rake it into bushels with garbage bags.
Here are five reasons “Home Alone” would be impossible today. I know it’s a movie. Go with me…
1. Cell Phones
There are days I wish cell phones didn’t exist and we could go back to hand-crank/rotary telephony that required prayer and a bolt of lightning to operate a call. It’s too easy to find and reach people these days.
But if I left my kid alone at home, my cell phone would be out of my pocket faster than Miley Cyrus’ licking appendage slithers out of her mouth.
Who would I text? Everyone. Anyone. I would text people in my phone contacts that I hate and even the people who are listed as “Weirdo Guy at Party” to get my kid. Texting is the new messenger pigeon. I would make it rain texts upon the land.
3. Social Media
Sure, there’s the fallout of people finding out that you left your kid unceremoniously at home. ALONE. But all bets would be off. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram — you name it. That kid’s face would be a status update with PLEASEHELPMYEFFINGKIDWHOISHOMEALONERIGHTNOW.
And he’d be tweeting that shit so hard. Because all 8-year-olds have iPhones nowadays, right? Or Snapchatting, right? Isn’t that what the kids are doing these days?
4. Airport security
With the number of checkpoints and body cavity searches required to enter the lobby of an airport, you would notice. Period. Something wouldn’t match a printout. Someone wouldn’t look like their ID or something.
And at that point, there would be a problem. Someone would realize Kevin McAllister wasn’t present.
5. Locator Chip
Doesn’t everyone have a security chip installed in their kids these days?
So, there you have my compelling argument for a fictional film that actually couldn’t be possible in present day. I know it was a movie and therefore very unlikely in the first place, but sleeping three hours in five days will do that to you.
Merry WhateverYouCelebrate and a bright new year to you!