How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

5 Reasons Home Alone Would Be Impossible Today

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Listen, I’m crazy busy wrapping presents and half of my family has a stomach virus, so this is going to be quick and dirty. The claims made here are under the duress of sleep deprivation the likes of which would kill a normal man, alas I AM NO NORMAL GUY. I AM SUPERCHRISTMASMEGADAD.

“Home Alone” is a classic holiday movie and Macauley Culkin rakes in the cash around this time of year. I mean literally. With a rake. It just snows money at his villa in Italy or whatever, and he goes outside to rake it into bushels with garbage bags.

I digress.

Here are five reasons “Home Alone” would be impossible today. I know it’s a movie. Go with me…

1. Cell Phones

There are days I wish cell phones didn’t exist and we could go back to hand-crank/rotary telephony that required prayer and a bolt of lightning to operate a call. It’s too easy to find and reach people these days.

But if I left my kid alone at home, my cell phone would be out of my pocket faster than Miley Cyrus’ licking appendage slithers out of her mouth.

2. Texting

Who would I text? Everyone. Anyone. I would text people in my phone contacts that I hate and even the people who are listed as “Weirdo Guy at Party” to get my kid. Texting is the new messenger pigeon. I would make it rain texts upon the land.

3. Social Media

Sure, there’s the fallout of people finding out that you left your kid unceremoniously at home. ALONE. But all bets would be off. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram — you name it. That kid’s face would be a status update with PLEASEHELPMYEFFINGKIDWHOISHOMEALONERIGHTNOW.

And he’d be tweeting that shit so hard. Because all 8-year-olds have iPhones nowadays, right? Or Snapchatting, right? Isn’t that what the kids are doing these days?

4. Airport security

With the number of checkpoints and body cavity searches required to enter the lobby of an airport, you would notice. Period. Something wouldn’t match a printout. Someone wouldn’t look like their ID or something.

And at that point, there would be a problem. Someone would realize Kevin McAllister wasn’t present.

5. Locator Chip

Doesn’t everyone have a security chip installed in their kids these days?

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So, there you have my compelling argument for a fictional film that actually couldn’t be possible in present day. I know it was a movie and therefore very unlikely in the first place, but sleeping three hours in five days will do that to you.

Merry WhateverYouCelebrate and a bright new year to you!

12 Comments

12 Responses to “5 Reasons Home Alone Would Be Impossible Today”

  1. Blasphemous Rumours says:

    Wow, way to take the fun out of an otherwise annoying film…

  2. Farheen says:

    You forgot to mention that in today’s society because of the influx of crazies (ie: pedophiles) lurking everywhere. Even if you had 20
    Family members to count you still quadribble count your own kids!

    I have been known to chase my 2 year old down the mall while carrying my 4 year old and have left whole strollers with bags and wallet just to keep eyes on the runner.

    No damper on Xmas spirit intended, scary times
    We live in man

  3. Clint says:

    Nice list; however, #4 can’t apply because Kevin’s dad accidentally threw Kevin’s airport ticket away when cleaning up the spilled soda in the kitchen. When they got to the airport they were short one person and one ticket.

  4. Justin says:

    Actually airport security wouldn’t have helped either. Most people didn’t see it, but in the scene where he spills milk all over the table, his dad accidentally throws his ticket into the trash, so there wouldn’t have been an extra ticket to incorrectly match someone. We can blame that one on the sleep deprivation.

  5. Malbon says:

    Child protective services would be all over that family in eight minutes and the allegations of verbal and physical abuse at the hands of older children and uncle Frank would guarantee Kevin would spend the rest of his life in a foster home. Good, what an awful family.

  6. Charlie, having never seen the film (think I was in grad school when it came out and then never got around to it), I appreciated your points.

    And the larger one: cell phones have really changed how we live. i remember waiting at a subway stop in Paris *for three hours* because that was the rendezvous spot I’d made with the cute guy I’d met the day before.

    harder to get lost now, which is good and bad, because it’s harder for teenagers to have those hours of freedom they cherish when your parents think you’re in location X..

    and yes, I’ve thought of the locator chip, or at least, the cellphone wrist watch which can’t be easily taken off.

    Merry Christmas to you, Andy and your families. You make me laugh so much!

  7. Phyllis Minga says:

    Well I have seen this movie several times and I just think this kid was hilarious at all the pranks he pulled on the would be house robbers. Yes he lived in very dysfunctional family. We all have had those moments in our lives. But the one I disliked the most was the conniving big fat older brother. But in the end he got his too. I agree that I don’t think the airport would have helped him that much because I asked for help once at an airport and you would of thought I had asked the woman for a blood transfusion. She was so rude and never did help me. Then kept staring at me like I was a terrorist or something. All I asked for was something to carry my luggage on in the airport because my legs were all swollen I could barely walk carrying my luggage. It’s a movie people and we all need to laugh at ourselves sometimes.

  8. jjmblue7 says:

    “Airport Security”

    …so 4 reasons then.

  9. Your points make an implausible plot even more so. I watched this movie for the first time as a parent and couldn’t believe the parenting skills (or lack thereof) on display. Yikes.

  10. Larry says:

    My boys really love that movie and in fact we saw it again recently. Believe it or not, I actually thought of some of the points you made. It does seem aged in some way, but the boys love it.

  11. Laurie says:

    True…I seriously love that movie though! Hope you guys are on the mend!

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