How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The Fart Chart

Posted by on August 5th, 2013, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

The Fart Chart an Illustrated Guide to Some Different Types of Farts

Everyone poops. Fact. But before they do, they fart.

Anyways, like them or not, they’re here to stay. Well… hopefully not too long actually. You see, holding in your gas can be vital in some circumstances: first dates, once in a lifetime elevator pitches, second dates, epic sports moments, third dates, acceptance speeches, etc., but you can’t hold it in forever. We all know the discomfort of putting a cork in it, and the eventual relief of letting loose from the caboose.

Parents may frown and tell their kids to say “pardon me” when they shamelessly tear ass, in the hopes that when they become an adult they’ll master some restraint and no longer blow themselves around the room in mixed company. But when you first become a parent, there will be a point where you beg for farts.

When you fail in trying to bounce a burp out of your new little gas bag, you know the problem has probably travelled south. Some of us try to perform fart yoga with maneuvers like upward-facing folding chair. Some of us wax-on wax-off on their tummies to try to gently Karate out the belly bullies. Like burping, we try to fart our baby.

 
FridaBaby Windi Baby Fart WhistleGuess what? You can actually fart your baby! With The Windi, Baby Fart Whistle. This is not a joke. This is real!
 

There is a unique helplessness you feel watching your colic-bloated baby fussing and crying, squirming around restless and tormented like an over-inflated but unhugged bagpipe.

There is no sweeter sound to a care-worn parent’s ears than the sound of a sumo wrestler going bareback down a park slide, when that sound comes from their baby’s bum. Farts can be little stinky gifts.

So they’re not so bad. Okay, sometimes they’re really bad. But they’re a part of life. Think of them as a butthole clapping. Sooooo… Good job, right?

FridaBaby, Makers of NoseFrida & The Windi
Baby relief above and below! You’ll laugh, but then you’ll thank the fart gods.

FridaBaby on Facebook
Because any brand that specializes in snot and fart related products should be followed on Facebook.

More Instructional Diagrams
There’s more where this came from.

Disclosure: The folks at Fridababy were rad enough to sponsor this post for all the world to enjoy. It’s pretty much impossible for them not to have a fun spirit and good sense of humor about basic bodily processes. So they are absolutely our kind of people.

17 Comments

17 Responses to “The Fart Chart”

  1. Chris says:

    Another seriously hilarious chart guys. The swamp ninja is great.

  2. You’re missing a couple of the combo-variety. Particularly the snfart (sneeze/fart).

    And how about a scratch-and-sniff version of the chart? ;)

    • Andy says:

      Sometimes when I get a “you missed…” comment I’m irked and go on explaining that a joke not being comprehensive is the sacrifice necessary for it to be funny, but you friggin’ nailed it with the scratch n sniff. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  3. Monica says:

    I am pretty sure you covered all the basics. My son is not quite 3 and he thinks farts are hilarious. All of them. Whether he farts or someone else does. I don’t make him say pardon me, but I do have him say toot instead of fart. Always a pleasure to read your stuff. Awesome job!

  4. HazelBroadway says:

    I farted while I was reading this. No joke! Then my kid wondered why I was laughing so hard.

    Oh, if I ever have another baby, I am so getting the Windi! I saw it too late, but that would have been a lifesaver with my latest boy. I spend countless hours (yes hours!) trying to get him to fart doing bicycle kicks, circular tummy rubs, holding him butt up, squats, anything I could think of really. Finally I stopped eating dairy and cabbage (while breastfeeding) and the tortuous gas was assuaged…

    I did use the NoseFrids snot-sucker, love that thing! 100000000X better than a bulb sucker for sick snot-faced babies!

    • Andy says:

      LOL! That’s amazing! I just farted while reading your comment (it took some work, but it was work worth doing), just to make this exchange all the more poetic.

      I missed out on both Fridababy products for my 3 boys, but it’s so easy to imagine how much they would have helped. Getting some help for the terrible sleeplessness of a snotty baby, and the general awfulness of a colicy baby would have been nice.

  5. Jo says:

    I believe the Swamp Ninja was referred to as ‘silent but deadly’ at my house when I was a kids! (⊙o⊙) Me, I never fart…I’m far too sophisticated for such nonsense… ;)

  6. Taz says:

    There’s one I call the pudding fart… it’s a several second impression of what sounds like blowing bubbles in pudding. The big brother to “The Overachiever” lol.

    Awesome list man, farts will always be funny! Hell, whoopie cushions can make my kid practically pee himself. Thanks for all the great stuff you post!

  7. Diane says:

    2 4 6 8 everyone evacuate
    Oh no too late
    everyone suffocate.
    My Grandson, he just turned 3, gets a surprised look on his face when anyone else….toots and says, pschew…you poopy. Cracks me up

  8. Beverly says:

    When my now 23 month old first farted at an age that allowed her to be aware that she’d just done so she got a hugely surprised and concerned look on her face. Not wanting her to feel self conscious doing what nature deems necessary I looked at her concerned little face and with a wide eyed smile I said “Poot!” In a head voicey sing song way. It made her smile and became a thing I always did for her. It cracked me up when one day she and I were hanging out in the bedroom and we heard daddy crack one in the living room. Sophia looked at me and, without missing a beat, turns to me with a wide eyed smile and sings out, “Poot!” Now she always makes a point of calling daddy out. :)

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