How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Bring on the Pie

Posted by on March 22nd, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

Bring on the pie

Dick Bushman, Parent Sex Expert, is back to solve your married-with-or-without-children woes. Many of you tried my Evite for sex trick (you’re welcome), but some of you stepped up to the plate, swung, and struck out.

Dear Mr. Bushman,

I sent my wife an Evite Tuesday morning, and not only did she RSVP, but she indicated that she’d bring pie. Then Tuesday night after we got the kids to bed, she grumbled something about not unloading the dishwasher and went straight to sleep. And there was definitely no pie. What did I do wrong?

Pieless,
Harried and Horny

Well Harried, you’ve come to the right place. I’m going to tell you why your wife didn’t bring the pie. In fact, I’m going to tell all of you why the gauge on the man tank reads full and she doesn’t seem willing to take you out for a spin to burn off the old fuel.

Men, I’d like to start with you.

First, step away from Halo (pause game, she won’t know). Take off the headphones and put down the special gaming keyboard that your wife bought you for Christmas because while she thinks you’re insane, she probably loves you. Stop listening to the Star Wars podcast, ignore the March Madness brackets, and tell your son that he’ll have to draft his own players on Madden 13 Social because your evenings are full.

downton-abbey-deathsEenie meenie miney mo…

Next, curl up next to your wife and learn the names of a few of Honey Boo Boo’s sibling-cousins, form an opinion about which of the three homes the property virgins should buy, and for the love of God and all things holy, be upset about the devastating turn Downton Abbey has taken.

But men, while these steps are critical if you’re ever going to get back on the last train to Cocksville, I’m also going to go way out on a may-never-get-laid-again limb and say that the main problem is…

your wife.

The Huxtables Romance in the BedClaire: You ain’t gettin’ no pie.
Cliff: But I love the pie.
Claire: You still ain’t gettin’ no pie.

Women around the middle part of last century viewed sex with their spouse as a marital duty, and those crazy flower children of the proceeding decades believed in free love, man. But your wives? They were raised in the 80’s. They were taught that sex follows romance and the bump and grind requires pomp and circumstance. Think about their role models. What did the Huxtables do when they climbed into bed at the end of an episode? Did they canoodle lovingly and simply turn out the lights? No, Claire grilled Cliff on the details of their first date and if he didn’t remember the color of her dress? Well men, I think you know how that story ends. Game over.

So women, I’m talking to you now. Sex is a necessity in life, a bodily function just as natural as a sneeze or a trip to the bathroom. Though hopefully not as awful as those comparisons. It’s the scratching of an itch, not the making of a Jane Austen novel. Did your husband forget (again) to put his underwear in the hamper? Was the trashcan put out on the curb?

LET IT GO.

Get naked, look your man in the eye and say, “Honey, what I’m about to do in no way releases you from the need to stop dropping your socks at the end of the bed every night, but let’s do this thing.” I promise you that no couple has gotten to the end of a successful shaking of the sheets and regretted it.

And my God woman, if you promise pie, bring pie.

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Getting an Evite for Sex
Read Richard’s first post, and our site’s first guestpost ever.

79 Comments

79 Responses to “Bring on the Pie”

  1. Erin B says:

    And if you promise to unload the dishwasher, then do it!

  2. OMG that image is more than I can take.

  3. MY EYES!!! OMG MY EYES!!

    Good post, though.

  4. Momof2 says:

    I think If you send and e-vite for a romantic event then you should treat it like you would any other event. you make sure everything is set and ready and nothing will derail the train to cocksville (to use your phrase), in other words don’t come home and zone out infront of the tv/comp/video game and just wait till the kids are in bed then expect her to ride the rails with you.
    Nothing would turn me on more then my man coming home sitting down to diner as a family, then him getting the kids ready for bed while I go prep the pie and get ready for some yummy hot desert. ;)
    I think I’ve re-used all your clever innuendos lol :P

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Well said, Momof2 (who clearly has used the Evite trick herself if she’s got two little ones…). It sounds like you’re saying if we want our wives to take the last train to cocksville and meet us at the station that perhaps we should have the tickets purchased and bags packed before arrival?

      I do wonder, however, if maybe the finer gender could give us a break, appreciate our good intentions, admit that we’re all fallible and not attach finding physical comfort in each other at the end of the day to some invisible check list of household chores. It’s tough to get excited about a trip only to have it derailed because you overlooked the empty trashcan at the end of the driveway. Can’t a guy catch a break?!

      • Momof2 says:

        I’m not saying they have to pack the bags alone, just make sure both people can make the trip.

        • Momof2 says:

          Maybe I worded that wrong …… Umm not make sure both can make the trip but make sure everything goes as planed. And she should also. Just like and other occasion or event if you say you’re going to be there then you need to do your best to follow through right?

          • Richard Bushman says:

            Agreed. And if we mess up, for the love of God and all things holy, we need to realize it and fix it before our, um, travel partner notices.

  5. Mother Duck says:

    Oh my god! I love this post so freakin’ much! This is totally it! But for the love of pie, that image is beyond disturbing! Do not bring tis to my annual Piemas party, please. Love you guys!

    • Richard Bushman says:

      So glad you love it! I have to admit that I felt like it was totally it, too, while I was writing it. I have to also admit that I make much better pie than that. These guys…

  6. Marie says:

    Sorry, can’t let it go. the whole time we’re together i’m thinking about how he gets on me for not doing things and thinks i’m going to do something. nope. no romance, no lovin’.

    • Richard Bushman says:

      I’m not a sex expert, but I don’t think that’s the best thing to be thinking about during. I would recommend instead thinking about a recent Ryan Gosling movie, perhaps one where he’s taken off his shirt. That may get you better results ;)

  7. What happens when the woman can let the “stuff” go and get down and actually bring the pie but said “man” will only be an active participant if all the “stuff” is taken care of by the woman? Does that make sense? Because said woman, won’t be bringing the pie to bed, only an empty tired plate….but the “stuff” will be done. ;)

    And is it wrong to think the picture is absolutely grotesque and fantastic at the same time?

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Hmmm, I’ve never thought about a woman being denied because the man can’t let the “stuff” go. Great question. My point is really that it shouldn’t be a weapon in either direction.

      And I’m with you on the picture. Makes me gag/laugh every time.

      • You’re exactly right, it definitely should not be a weapon at all. Because after all of the work, parenting, cleaning, cooking, taking care of household that we as husband and wife do….pie should always be the reward at the end of the day. Just for saying “hey, we made it, another day and we’re here, Thank God…now pass me the pie”

  8. Carrie says:

    I can’t decide if this post is offensive or not. Sex is not and will never be the “duty” of the wife.

    • JeninCanada says:

      Exactly. Someone needs to leave his outdated gender expectations at the door. Also, for many people, sex isn’t like ‘scratching an itch’, it’s about connecting with your partner on some level. You don’t need to do the fancy date night thing every time, but if either partner is so beat at the end of the day all they can do is fall into bed and go to sleep, something is wrong and needs fixing, and it ISN’T THE SEX.

      • Richard Bushman says:

        Come on, sometimes it’s like scratching an itch, right? Or like using a q-tip after you wash your hair or putting on socks that are fresh out of the dryer. It just feels SO GOOD.

        • JeninCanada says:

          Sex feels awesome, but sometimes no matter how excellent the sex is, or how amazing I know it might be, the thought alone, or even a former ‘promise’ is not enough to get me in the mood if I’m exhausted and grumpy.

          • Richard Bushman says:

            Well then, it sounds like Mr. JeninCanada needs to take a bit more off of his lady’s plate to fight that exhaustion if he wants to make room on that plate for more pie ;)

          • David says:

            Men, if you want pie, don’t just do your part, especially if you have kids. Go the extra mile so your lady isn’t exhausted when it’s time for pie. You know that exhaustion usually results in an offer of pie being withdrawn and even if it isn’t, pie offered with enthusiasm is better than pie that’s cold and just lies there.

            Women: Just don’t promise pie, if there won’t be pie. And if you do go back on your promise, make an extra effort after you get some rest. Being resentful of a broken promise makes one less likely to make an effort next time.

            Break the downward spiral… BOTH of you. Stop making excuses. There’s always room for pie.

      • Frida says:

        I couldn’t agree more about the outdated gender stereotypes. It just makes me soooooo tired. Come join us in 2013. (We have pie.)

        And “if you promise pie, bring pie.” Seriously?! I assume you meant this as a kind of joke, to tie the the post together, complete the circle and so on but it’s a bad one. Really bad. Sex is one area where you don’t have to keep that kind of promises. You can stop at any given time, independently of what you’ve done before or how frustrated your partner(s) will be. That right to your own body is not a joke. Ever.

        • Richard Bushman says:

          And likewise, it shouldn’t be a weapon. Maybe it’s time women stop using sex for promises AND for punishment. What say ye?

        • Richard Bushman says:

          Yes, pie meant pie. You don’t promise a man baked goods then go back on that promise, especially if you’re planning to come to bed with a headache for the 94th night in a row.

        • Jenny says:

          Yesssssss. This. The gender stereotyping is just lazy at this point. Men = Halo. Women = Downton Abbey (or worse, Honey Boo-Boo?!?) Images of Ryan Gosling in an apron cleaning the stove while scratching the puppy dog are “mommy porn.” Women use sex as a weapon. Men should mop the floor, really, it turns us on.

          Come on. None of this applies in my house. My husband does the dishes because he’s an active participant in this household. Sex is its own thing, entirely independent of whether or not he’s faking an interest in my latest knitting project. By the way, him faking an interest in my latest knitting project would read as insincere to me and put me on my guard. Also, yes, it is TOTALLY FAIR of either party to change their mind. At any time. It sucks, sure, but that’s part of a respectful partnership.

          Please, we are not stupid, we’re women.

    • Richard Bushman says:

      I couldn’t agree more. I’m sorry if that’s what you took away from the post because that’s certainly not what the post says.

      The real point is that sex shouldn’t be removed or put back into a marriage based on if the chores get done. I think it’s called making love not receiving your allowance ;)

  9. Lea says:

    I just have to say, as a mom of THREE all under five… at home: waking up at dawn (even after the kids woke her up 2-3 times that night) … making breakfast, cleaning after breakfast, daily chores , making lunch, cleaning after lunch, making dinner, cleaning after dinner… in between all of the things 6 months, 2 year olds and almost 5 year olds ask for and want you to play with during the day, the fights between the 2 and almost 5 year old, the crying baby… sometimes us ladies need cut a break, if hubby was asked to unload the dishwasher and thats all… umm… all I am trying to say is… as a SAHM, on days where my husband actually is helping around the house… even if its just one small thing… it may free up our time and give us a little more energy and we would feel more up to some fun… we like to that that kind of fun as much as you men, but not if we are sleep deprived… ;)

    • Richard Bushman says:

      I hate that you’ve got to shoulder all of that, Lea! In my house, my spouse and I split domestic duties 50/50 from laundry to meals to taking the kids to doctor’s appointments (although I admit that I suck at getting the clean laundry put away). We also enjoy pie – and each other – an awful lot.

    • Snick says:

      Exactly!!! I’m in the same boat, Lea. SAHM’s need a LOT of coaxing if we’re going to bake another whole damn pie after hubs gets home. You might get some pie but no whipped cream. Trust and believe. I wish a husband would ask Claire Huxtable for pie after a long day at home with Vanessa, Denise Rudy, Theo and Sondra; Kenny always popping by unannounced and Olivia asking a million existential questions.

  10. Amy McCabe says:

    Genius!

  11. Fisher says:

    Thanks for the post, makes me feel a little better knowing I’m not the only one not getting any on a consistent basis.

    In reply to the typical female’s comment, anyone else actually think/say “BULLSH*T!” when a woman says there is nothing sexier than when a man comes home, plays with the kids, cooks dinner, washes the dishes, bathes the kids and puts them to bed, watches TV with her till our bed time, etc? That is my typical day, but apparently my wife sees sex as just another chore that can be put off for about a month at at time.

    • Richard Bushman says:

      I prefer to think that my spouse is turned on by my magical hands and superior lovin’. Cue the bow chicka wah wah music…

  12. JeninCanada says:

    I really hope this is the last of the Bushman posts we’ll be getting.

  13. Maggie says:

    Usually I agree with you. And most of that I agreed with. However, sometimes the men need to get over the “wifely duty” bit and make an effort for their woman’s needs and wants. When the woman is always the one to “get over it”, bring the pie and never get the pie she wants… Well eventually they make pie and eat it by themselves on the damn couch.

  14. J Brown says:

    Really funny post, the pic is brilliant, but nothing comes close to the side stitches i am getting at reading these apprehensive wives posts above^^^ LOL!!

  15. Snick says:

    Really? In the morning we may envision it being a good night for pie, but after having chased 3 children all day, cleaned up all sorts of bodily excretions off myself, the furniture and the dishes, and tried to get the place in some sort of order, I MIGHT cook a nice meal. After the meal has been criticized for 30 minutes by the children, I must bathe them, clean the dishes (no dish washer) and start a load of laundry, dry the kids off and soak up the flood in the bathroom, get them dressed for bed, say prayers tuck them in (ha!). My hands are raw from washing them in corrosive chemicals all day and then my darling husband gently reminds me about the pie I offered earlier in the day? I haven’t even showered and combed my hair! In fact, I’m lucky if I’ve brushed my teeth and eaten a meal. Probably picked a few zits where there was actually nothing, so I look like I’ve got some sort of plague and I smell like a big, swampy butt. Except for my hands, which smell like a cross between diaper rash cream, laundry detergent, dish detergent and garlic from preparing dinner. If you want pie, come and get it but pardon me if I sleep while your at it. Oh, shaving my bikini area was totally a thing of the past. Yeah, it’s going to be a perpetual 8 o’clock shadow until the kids are grown.

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Sounds like your husband needs to study at the school of Dick Bushman. Why is he making you take care of all of that? And don’t worry about the perpetual shadow in the nether regions. As you can see from the pie picture, we’re not too picky about aesthetics. ;)

      I’m curious – what happens if at the end of dinner you get up and say, “I’m headed to take a long, hot shower while you clean up dinner and get the kids in bed”?

      • Snick says:

        He’d clear the table and all the plates will be piled a mile high in the sink so there is no possible way to wash them without taking them back out and stacking them on the counter so there is room to rinse. I would find the kids running and jumping from their beds to jump onto the chandelier. Countless night I find them swinging and fighting over toys until someone gets scratched or their hair gets pulled. Then, predictably, one of them ends up in bed with us until they fall asleep.

    • Add in homeschooling our 6th and 4th graders, dealing w/ an ass of an exhusband who the kids think is “father of the year” and a 20 yr old stepdaughter who acts like she’s 13 and my life matches your right down to me being our “dishwasher”. *sigh* I was always so excited to get to this stage of my life because I thought there would be endless pie….now I just wish for and endless hot shower and a glass of wine…alone.

  16. Cherlyla says:

    Apparently my husband is awesome. We have 3 small children, I am a SAHM. I work my hiner off, and so does he. Does he get things done exactly the way I want all of the time? No, but then again, neither do I!! I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but my kids do not sit at my table and criticize the dinner I or my husband made for them. My 6 year old tried that the other night and was promptly sent to bed by his father. My Husband is just as much parent to the children as I am, therefore he is just as capable of bathing them and getting them to bed. He and I also work very hard to make sure the children do their share. (as much as possible at 6 & 3) They set and clear the table, put their dirty laundry away and get themselves ready for bed among other things. Do they get it right every time? Definitely not, but if there’s one less pair of dirty socks to pick up myself, then i’m a happy mommy. And by the way, we eat a lot of pie…and it is yummy!

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Cherlyla, sounds like you and your spouse have a similar relationship to the one I have with my spouse. And the kids sound the same. And the pie. Wait….honey, is that you???

  17. oregonbobby says:

    There is a Star Wars PODCAST!??!?!

    Awesome! Maybe just that and pie….

  18. Brandy says:

    I just died! Then a friend sent me this! http://crappypictures.com/quickies/
    I think the universe is trying to tell me that I need to get laid! Just as soon as the hubby puts down his 12 iPhone sports apps that he obsesses over from the time he gets home until the time he passes out in his recliner!

  19. Laurie says:

    Well I know what I am doing tonight! If there was anything I ever wanted to UN SEE its that piece of pie, make it go away!

    • Richard Bushman says:

      I suggested watching something about baby animals on Animal Planet to scrub your brain. That’s what I’ll be doing!

  20. Heatherm163 says:

    Hilarious!!! Loved this and loved the evite article, (found your link fom haha’s for ho ha’s) But yeah the pie pic!?!? Where’s my floss?

    • Richard Bushman says:

      I didn’t think the pie picture could be more disturbing until I read “where’s my floss?” Thank you for that.

  21. I’m just going to stare into the sparkle of your extremely white teeth in the hopes that it will sear that pie image into nothingness. Cherry pie happens to be my FAVORITE but now…I don’t know.

    Interestingly, when there’s a regular supply of pie, the socks sometimes become more motivated to make it into the hamper. (Of course, I’m the sock-thrower in my family, so I’ll have to keep working on that.)

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Asha, you’ve hit the proverbial nail on the head. When daily life is moving like a well-oiled machine, everything else seems to move like a….well, a well-oiled machine. Both my spouse and I tend to have a little more kick in our step when pie eating is a regular occurrence and that sure does make it easier to gaze lovingly at each other while folding laundry together, washing and drying, packing kids’ lunches. Heck, even the bedtime routine goes a bit faster when you know what’s waiting for you once the kids are asleep.

      And I take no responsibility for that pie. Warning: don’t read the comment above referring to floss.

  22. MrsViolet says:

    Does anyone here look at that pie and think “Damn, TIME TO SHAVE”?

    No? Just me? As an unwillingly childless non parent, I clearly have nothing to add to this discussion. I will say that a large part ofthe reason I got a second husband was NO PIE was served in my former house. By my exhusband. Second is an excellent baker.

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Yes, it’s best for people who dislike pie to marry one another and those with a sweet tooth to pair up. Similar appetites make for a happier marriage! Congrats to you and Mr. Violet 2.0. Long live pie!

  23. Erich says:

    Lotsa female replies so here’s one from a guy,

    I’m a father of two who works overnight. Pie miiiiight happen on my nights off assuming we get the the kids their dinner (picky little things), bathed and tucked in. Fast forward 3 hours later and I’m a zombie due to being up all day after working all night and my wife is passed out in the kids’ room. Pie would be lovely but it’s rarely there. This actually affects us both as we do greatly enjoy it and as a red-head the pie my wife makes is of superb caliber. I bust my hump to provide and then go and help my wife as much as I can from taking the kids out for a few hours so she can rest or play video games, to cleaning the entire place and making dinner, to sending her out with directions to HAVE FUN without the young ones hounding her. Much of this is because I love her dearly, and some is in an effort to get pie.

    Mmmm, pie.

    • Richard Bushman says:

      I had no idea that red-heads made better pie. I, too, am married to a red-head. Suddenly it’s all coming together!!

  24. Jesus – did I step into a time machine? What year is this?

  25. Mommioftwo says:

    This post was great, as women we get into our heads way to much of not wanting “it” because we have done so much. Our husbands (at least mine) does way more at work than I do at home. Unless I have had an extremely early wake up and my daughter goes to bed way late, 9 times out of 10 my husband is going to be pie. I tell him I need maybe 30 minutes where no one is attached to me or wanting something from me then its game on. Learn to enjoy it ladies, pie is good for everyone.

  26. Nick says:

    Stereotypes aside, what I got from this was: Men, stop being selfish and pay attention to your wife, fill her emotional need. After that: Women, its a partnership, if he’s made an effort, bring the pie.
    I read “Pieless’s” question under the assumption that he made an attempt to inspire romance. Afterall, the whole idea of an evite is him leading the charge. It is inherantly a romantic move. If he missed one of the checks on some list only the wife knew about, perhaps the arranged evite could still be honored. Then you take the experience as a couple to work toward getting it all right the next time.

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