Dick Bushman, Parent Sex Expert, is back to solve your married-with-or-without-children woes. Many of you tried my Evite for sex trick (you’re welcome), but some of you stepped up to the plate, swung, and struck out.
Dear Mr. Bushman,
I sent my wife an Evite Tuesday morning, and not only did she RSVP, but she indicated that she’d bring pie. Then Tuesday night after we got the kids to bed, she grumbled something about not unloading the dishwasher and went straight to sleep. And there was definitely no pie. What did I do wrong?
Harried and Horny
Well Harried, you’ve come to the right place. I’m going to tell you why your wife didn’t bring the pie. In fact, I’m going to tell all of you why the gauge on the man tank reads full and she doesn’t seem willing to take you out for a spin to burn off the old fuel.
Men, I’d like to start with you.
First, step away from Halo (pause game, she won’t know). Take off the headphones and put down the special gaming keyboard that your wife bought you for Christmas because while she thinks you’re insane, she probably loves you. Stop listening to the Star Wars podcast, ignore the March Madness brackets, and tell your son that he’ll have to draft his own players on Madden 13 Social because your evenings are full.
Next, curl up next to your wife and learn the names of a few of Honey Boo Boo’s sibling-cousins, form an opinion about which of the three homes the property virgins should buy, and for the love of God and all things holy, be upset about the devastating turn Downton Abbey has taken.
But men, while these steps are critical if you’re ever going to get back on the last train to Cocksville, I’m also going to go way out on a may-never-get-laid-again limb and say that the main problem is…
Cliff: But I love the pie.
Claire: You still ain’t gettin’ no pie.
Women around the middle part of last century viewed sex with their spouse as a marital duty, and those crazy flower children of the proceeding decades believed in free love, man. But your wives? They were raised in the 80’s. They were taught that sex follows romance and the bump and grind requires pomp and circumstance. Think about their role models. What did the Huxtables do when they climbed into bed at the end of an episode? Did they canoodle lovingly and simply turn out the lights? No, Claire grilled Cliff on the details of their first date and if he didn’t remember the color of her dress? Well men, I think you know how that story ends. Game over.
So women, I’m talking to you now. Sex is a necessity in life, a bodily function just as natural as a sneeze or a trip to the bathroom. Though hopefully not as awful as those comparisons. It’s the scratching of an itch, not the making of a Jane Austen novel. Did your husband forget (again) to put his underwear in the hamper? Was the trashcan put out on the curb?
LET IT GO.
Get naked, look your man in the eye and say, “Honey, what I’m about to do in no way releases you from the need to stop dropping your socks at the end of the bed every night, but let’s do this thing.” I promise you that no couple has gotten to the end of a successful shaking of the sheets and regretted it.
And my God woman, if you promise pie, bring pie.
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Getting an Evite for Sex
Read Richard’s first post, and our site’s first guestpost ever.