How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Tissues & Tampons

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Tissues and Tampons Never Together

My entire family just went down with the flu at the same time. It was like a horror movie, one by one we fell. My wife was the last one standing. For a while, she even deluded herself that this would be one of those movies where one character gets out alive, to reflect on the terror and loss, and set up a sequel. No dice.

A couple of days into her Influenzapalooza, she hobbled over to me and whipper-hissed with an intensity that was kind of scary despite how weak she looked…
 

“It should be a Law of Nature that women can’t be sick and have their period at the same time!”

 

I winced on her behalf and fully agreed. Feeling like a bucket of fermented dung myself, I thought what multiplying that by two would feel like. It was impossible for me not to shudder.

Something needed to be done about it. But what?

I started daydreaming about it. How do you change the world? And look really edgy and cool doing so? Urban sticker or graffiti campaign! That’s how!

Now, you may say: You can’t campaign against things like biology and Nature.

To which I’d reply: Hey, you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m NOT the only one.

You: You’re a friggin’ nutcase!

Me: ♫ I hope someday you’ll join us… ♫

You: Hey! Put those stickers and glue away! I’m gonna call the cops!

Me: I’ve had a fever for three days straight, okay! (As I’m running away) The world will live as one!!! (Or shuffling pretty fast at least)

Ehem. So yeah.

All fever delirium aside, my point is that a woman getting sick AND getting her monthly visitor sounds like just about the worst thing ever because it apprently is. Throw motherhood into the bargain and start adding more kids and you’ve got flaming heap of a bad deal for the ladies. (Women love being referred to generally as “the ladies” by men, by the way. Did I mention my fever got as high as 104.7?)

Remember, people, even if there are some things we can’t change, like basic biology and Nature, we can at least piss and moan about them.

Feverbook
We promise our Page will be a welcome break from all your friends’ flu status updates.

Instructional Diagrams
Some of these look like they were created under the influence of way too much Robitussin, but I swear I never touch the stuff.
 

64 Comments

64 Responses to “Tissues & Tampons”

  1. Sailor Jane says:

    Been there done that. Wine her down. It helps with cramps. Just a glass or two. Chase with pedialyte.

  2. Period. Sinus infection. Airplane. *hand raised, drops mic*

  3. Tiffany says:

    I’ve said at my home several times, “It is far easier for me to take care others when they are sick than myself, because I still have to take of others’ needs either way!” Add the monthly visitor in there and you’ll wish you had Nurse Ratched instead!
    Menstruation and illness makes mommy a zombie!

    • Andy says:

      So true. I was holding out hope she wouldn’t get it too. Apparently holding out hope is a completely ineffective deterrent for flu contagion though. ;)

  4. Lisa says:

    Second only to being sick and going into labor…my sympathy to your wife!

  5. Manda says:

    Yeah, it’s pretty nasty. :( I hope you all were at least able to avoid the emergency room.

    Not my worst experience, specifically tampon-related, though. I used to get horrible nosebleeds as a kid. One day, when I was in 4th grade, I had a real gusher at school. The nurse was so desperate to stop it, she grabbed two “junior” tampons and stuck them up my nose…..then she sent me to sit in the hallway to wait for my mom to come pick me up.

    So got to be on display for my entire elementary school for about an hour-and-a-half. Now that I think of it, I don’t know why it took her so long to get there. I ended up having to go to the ER because it just wouldn’t stop!

    • Andy says:

      This. Is. Amazing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’ll be honest, when I get the flu there’s a certain point where my nose is running so much that I just plug my nostrils with tissue. And now… I may just try out a couple of OBs next time. I know I should be, but I am not joking. ;)

      • Mrscollins05 says:

        I just got out of the army and I $h!t you not, a good chunk of us carry around tampons in our gear when out deployed and on mission. Soldiers are taught that tampons are great “plugs” for bullet wounds so remember that on your next outing to the range :)

      • Jill says:

        Careful, those OBs swell up like a funnel. You’d sure hate to go to the ER with that. The nurses will laugh at you behind your back.

      • Beccamomma says:

        When my Dad coached football, he’d keep tampons at the sideline at football games to stop bloody noses after players got sacked. He said it was the fastest easiest way to stop the bleeding so they could get back out to play.
        Random, I know, but since the topic of other practical uses for tampons was up…

  6. We had this wonderful combination last year, just a few weeks ago… right during christmas!! A whole feast of roasted goose (we don’t do turkey) was missed. :|

  7. Laurie says:

    Opening yourself up to a bunch a period stories now! I couldn’t agree more with these words..I was due on my wedding day, my body decided to play nice and spare us all, but saved it for day 2 of my honeymoon! Spent days in bed on my honeymoon, sucked! Sucks all the time without fail, but combined with other major things like illness and human interaction (for me) is just a freaking nightmare..I wish it would just GO AWAY!
    New favorite post by the way!

    • Andy says:

      Wow! :blush::

      UGH! Yep. I knew what I was getting into when I posted this. Some of these commented stories are truly awful-mazing (yours included). That experience sounds hideous. Yikes!

  8. Mayumi-H says:

    I must be alone in this, because I’d actually *prefer* to be sick and have my period at the same time.

    I hate not feeling sexy while I’m on period (yes, I know you can still have sex while you’re menstruating, but it’s just so messy for me [pleasuring him is, obviously, still valid any time...except when you're congested, of course]), and I hate not feeling sexy while I’m ill. To have to deal with that for two weeks (or two five-day periods, or whatever) is terrible. I’d much rather suffer through everything at once and get it over with in one fell swoop. I think my husband would agree with me, too.

    • Andy says:

      I can kind of see your point on the “get it all over with” approach but my god this one was bad for all of us. Just can’t fathom it being worse. ARG!!!

  9. Auntie J says:

    Gah. Illness and menstruation are two things that SHOULD be mutually exclusive, and while unpleasant in the extreme, when you can lay in bed all day and don’t have to worry about kids because you don’t have ‘em, and you can growl at your spouse when you don’t need him for something, it’s not so bad.

    It’s horrendous when you’re sick, you start, and you have sick kids…especially if one of those kids is your spouse. Because there is no end in sight. And there is no end in sight. Did I mention that there’s no end in sight? I have experienced such horrors, and every hour is like a decade.

    Mothers seriously need a get-out-of-flu [or any illness]-free card until their youngest kid is 8. At least.

  10. Jen says:

    Did you just turn a My Wife Just Said into a plea for world change by way of Lennon?

    You should go febrile more often.

  11. Dee O'shea says:

    Might be a little tmi but I’m going through that combination right now. Started the same day and everything. I told my husband the same thing thastupid period justmultiples everything. Truly sucks!

  12. Pati says:

    Try stomach flu with vomiting and diarrhea while being on your cycle! I can’t imagine adding kids to that one!!

  13. Robyn says:

    Just a couple of weeks ago: Got my period. Threw my back out, was stranded on the floor. My 7yr and 5yr olds had to put their 20mo old brother down for his nap. Did I mention I homeschool? Ugh. Also, never, ever sneeze when your back is out. I didn’t cry when I gave birth. I wept after that sneeze. Props to the lady in your life! :)

  14. Gale says:

    Ah, I have been there…and right before Christmas at that! (Flu, flow, and festivities definately DO NOT MIX).

    But it is not the worst…oh no. Taking care of a toddler with stomach flu THREE TIMES while pregnant, and catching it from him EVERY TIME…that is the worst. AS IF morning sickness were not enough!

    Hope you all are over it soon.

  15. Gale says:

    (PS…and yes, that was all in one single pregnancy).

  16. Sarah says:

    Flu/sinus infection, period (by which I mean “insane amounts of pain combined with epic emotional outbursts”….yes my periods suck), Christmas time, and a plane ride. When my ears popped after said plane ride, it sounded like someone set off a high pitched bomb in my ear….felt like it too.

    F U mother nature. You’ll get yours….yes…yes you will.

  17. Angela says:

    Period, sinus infection, fibromyalgia, and yeast infection. Because this is how I’m greeting the New Year and feel you are a saint for pointing out the pure evil of illness and bleeding to death from the waist down.

  18. Annie says:

    While this article is perfectly and hilariously written, the comments are really making LOL. I’ve BTDT and have stories. Oh the stories. But the ladies sharing their horror stories? Oh yeah, I do not feel so alone anymore.

    Could this thread possibly be used as birth control for some poor soul out there? Because yes, the flu CAN get worse.

  19. Melissa says:

    Sinus infection. Ear infection. Period. 17 hour flight from Paris. Customs. ANOTHER plane to home airport. Have you ever had an ear infection ON A PLANE?

  20. Fritz Andreas says:

    Just got done with my cycle, a cold, and diarrhea. My cycles are so bad normally, I have felt clots MOVE a super tampon out of the way. I thought that was bad enough, but NO. This latest episode, I learned to LOVE my washer and dryer, because when I sneezed, all hell broke loose. I sent my daughter to daycare just so she’d not witness the oozing. It was awful. All I could think was, “think of the weight loss….”

  21. Danielle says:

    Have I ever mentioned how much I love you guys?

  22. Mimi says:

    I had strep throat and my period once. It was horrific. Super feverish, my tonsils were both, literally, the size of ping pong balls and I have endometriosis, meaning my cramps are demon cramps and I couldn’t take pills to deal with them because of my throat. There was much weeping.

    • Total sympathy. I had endometriosis and half a uterus with no exit, constant migraines, and bronchitis. I burst into tears every time I coughed, and tried not to pass out. Go girl power, blargh! haha

  23. Mimi says:

    Oh, and did I mention that because of all the pus dripping down my throat I threw up MORE THAN ONCE?!! Ugh.

  24. kyganak says:

    How about already depressed mommy, sick hubby, sick 9 month old who can’t breath/eat, sick toddler, hubbys bronchitis triggers asthma attack; in hospital for 5 days (all unpaid due to new job), by now mommy is sick too, Christmas with family Postponed indefinitely, AND my period in a pear tree…..yay life, you win.

    Seriously thx for the post and opporunity for a pity party…makes me feel a little less alone/insane.

    Mantra; this too shall pass! In the meantime; popsicles!

  25. Natalia says:

    My father used to say it’s not good to have cough and diarrhea at the same time but then again, he was not a woman. Period is never good for us, ranging from the moment we, as adolescents, have a date or a swimming pool weekend with friends and it apears in the worst day (insert any important event here). However, your approach as to how sickness + kids make it even worse is acurrate. And yeah, it SUCKS! ;)

  26. Amy Mack says:

    There was 4 other girls plus my 2 brothers in my house growing up. All of us girls got our monthly visits at the same time. One month also had the flu and gastro going through my house. I’ve never seen my brother’s cry so much before or since that month.

  27. Jennifer says:

    Try this one on for size…. 7 month old comes down with a minor bout of the current stomach bug – passes it along to mom and dad, 2 weeks later he gets wholloped with his1st MAJOR cold (which turns into an ear infection) plus teething – annnnnd passes the cold along to mom (dad is spared. This time). Now add into the mix a very busy schedule, getting my period (which has regressed to HS epic proportions) and it being stupid cold outdoors. That people has been the last few weeks of my life. My house smells very nice thanks to all the Vicks vapor rub that’s been slathered on both of us.

  28. Meredith says:

    last month I had the noravirus as well as an extended monthly visitor, 10 days. i also have a now 14 month old girl who walks way too well for that horrible combination. AAAAAND I’m a single mom too boot.

  29. I’m in my first trimester (hello, nausea!) and ravaged with allergies at the same time. DO NOT WANT.

  30. Annie says:

    Pregnant (with morning sickness aka all day sickness), worst flu of my life, birthday, father-in-law’s funeral. I ended up going to the hospital to get rehydrated.

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