How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Getting an Evite for Sex

Posted by on January 11th, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

Getting an Evite for Sex exit sign

The start of my, shall we say, intimate relationship with my spouse was about as far from spontaneous as possible. When you’re in a long distance relationship and seeing your significant other requires plane tickets, you tend to plan. With a sense of humor and a holiday calendar, we scheduled our first time together for the long President’s Day weekend, making jokes about chopping down cherry trees and looking forward to that weekend …two long months away.

As our overly-planned relationship progressed and one cross-country trip turned into another, we learned each other’s preferences and boundaries. Yes to a morning romp in the hay. No to being dragged off into the trees in national parks. Yes to the occasional prop. Hell no please stop to getting naked in a moving car. Hey, you can’t blame me for trying.

I don’t know if one preference in particular developed out of a matter of habit or personality, but I quickly learned that my role was that of the initiator. Always. Well, almost always. (Enough to merit bringing it up.)

After twelve years of marriage, this has started to get old. There’s nothing sexy about feeling like you have to convince someone to have sex with you. Countless conversations that end with her telling me she wants me but also wants me leading the charge have driven me to try to change things up. Foreplay should not consist of the locking of a door, the changing of the lighting, and the word, “Wanna?” muttered trepidatiously in the dark.

So I’ve started to get creative. First there was the “Do Me” card left underneath her pillow, which required me to strategically redirect the children away from our bedroom for an entire evening. One five year old’s running leap onto my bed and I’d be pulling poorly formed parent lies out of my nethers all evening rather than clothes off of my wife. The card got a little laughter and a lot of nakedness, but that’s not a trick you can pull more than once without getting a dirty look and an eye roll.

 

I’ve tried the old lock the bathroom door and slip into the shower trick, but surprising someone in the shower can feel more like a scene from Psycho rather than the intended, let’s face it, gymnastic-level skills required awkward-at-best sex.

There have been many attempts at sexting, but while I work alone in my home office, my spouse works out there in the real world where a little blip from her phone followed by, “I can’t wait to rip your clothes off when you get home tonight,” may not be appropriate in the middle of a meeting.

The Pièce de résistance was the day I sent her an Evite. More specifically, one part of my body sent her an Evite. I was feeling distracted that day and very much waiting for two hours past the kids’ bedtime to arrive, and I desperately needed to lock down the evening’s activities. I went to the free invitation site that encouraged me to plan a party (yes, please!) and naturally chose the Tailgating invitation theme. I nervously filled in all of the required information. Message from host?

“I hope you can come.”

RSVP from guest?

Yes.

She replied yes!

Like the ridiculous card under the pillow, the Evite is a single use only trick, but the fact that it worked has given me the courage to keep trying to find new ways to do what I need to do to get done what I, um, want to get done. Namely me.

tailgate party for sex

65 Comments

65 Responses to “Getting an Evite for Sex”

  1. The evite, frankly, is brilliant. I hope their marketing department gets wind of this and starts designing themes specifically around the idea. Though I DO admire your use of the tailgate them. Bravo, sir!

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Necessity is the mother of invention, is it not? Perhaps they can call the new invitation line the Bushman Special.

  2. kit says:

    this is hilarious. but i don’t understand the name? did i miss something and there’s a new pledge to the dad group? though this has Andy written all over it.

  3. Funny! And I don’t give out that praise liberally. Nice contribution to HTBAD.

  4. Carl says:

    Great idea and glad it worked for you. Love that this author’s name is Richard Bushman. Not at all suspicious given the common nickname for Richard.

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Richie? I know. HATED that as a kid. “Oh look, here comes Richie Bushman in that stupid Atari t-shirt again.” “It’s Richie Rich, everyone’s favorite billionaire.” Thank God that’s over. Now I just go by Dick.

  5. Stefanie says:

    You are a brilliant man. Perhaps you should offer classes.

  6. Lacey S says:

    I so empathize with this post… but I have learned after 10 years that I (the female) can NOT be the initiator with my husband. I still have to drop little hints that are hopefully activating his back-brain, but the same thing rarely works twice, which makes it pretty difficult. I still have to organize and orchestrate everything with moving our co-sleeping son to another room, and find time in our opposite schedules (he works nights) to even give him the opportunity to initiate… well, sometimes it takes a minor miracle just to make the chance that tonight (or more often this morning) could be the lucky night/morning. Ah well, it’s worth it in the end…

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Might I suggest that attempting to activate his back-brain to initiate sex is a bit like taking cold medicine because you stubbed your toe? And use positive language. Start with, “I CAN be the initiator.” See? And if you need ideas beyond keeping the little ones out of your bed and actually being in the house at the same time, you may want to try a nice Evite…

  7. Mandy K says:

    Hi Richard! This may or may not be e-mailed to the hubster as an initiation to initiation. :)

  8. James Smith says:

    Shades of Fifty Shades!

  9. Jen says:

    This is smart. Everyone likes a good party.

  10. You’re a genius! I will be stealing ALL of your ideas! By the way, you are so very right about the shower thing! Happy New Year!
    Justin- Writing Pad Dad

  11. Sandra Fowler says:

    I sent one to my husband that was a little more straightforward:

    “I’d like to invite you for a night of awkward but safe sex.”

    • Richard Bushman says:

      Maybe next time request dangerous but graceful sex. Perhaps comfortable but highly risky? Definitely mix it up.

  12. phaedra says:

    Any ideas for a 34week pregnant lady on how to tell hubby I still want to try? Lol. I’m definitely going to try an evite now, but what if it doesn’t work?!

  13. Dae Sheridan says:

    Dear Richard, Rich, Richie, Dick~
    As a sex educator and therapist I’m always looking for innovative and thoughtful tips to help others spice things up. Loving this! I hope your wife returned the favor with an Evite of her own!

  14. Momma P says:

    I love this blog and look forward to reading it on Sunday afternoons. I’m damn-near 36 weeks pregnant, have not had the “real” hanky panky since October 22nd due to pre-term labor at 23 weeks gestation while on a trip to New York City! The doctor has given us the proverbial green light to get it on this Wednesday (36 weeks) and my hubs is scared to death to touch any part of my anatomy other than my bump! SO….I too, sir, will send an evite to my better-half inviting him to the party that will hopefully get our sex life back on track! THANK YOU for your creativity!

    • Richard Bushman says:

      My wife was also on a fun time hiatus until 36 weeks along with bed rest, which turns the party zone into a hospital room. It can be tough to get the engine started after the car has been sitting in the garage all winter, but the Evite should help! A little perspective can also get that motor started. Remind him that once the baby arrives you’re looking at another 6 weeks off. That means that the Duggars have had to take over TWO YEARS off of sex after the births of their children. Like Larry the Cable Guy says, “Git’r done.” Hoping this Wednesday is a happy hump day for you and yours.

      • Momma P says:

        Morning Richard! Glad to know we are in good company! Bed rest is for the birds but we’re thankful we’re happily still bakin’ Baby P! I sent the evite on Saturday and received a “Yes” response in 1.2 seconds…look forward to a little mattress dancing this week! And I have a feeling I won’t event need to send a reminder! :)

        • Richard Bushman says:

          I should have warned in the post – be sure to remove the “allow guests to invite others” option before sending. Glad it worked for you – enjoy, Momma P!

  15. Come on, really?! DICK BUSHman. Who is this guy?

    Come on, who is this Richard Bushman really? Charlie, is that you?!

  16. Come on, really?! DICK BUSHman. Who is this guy?

    Charlie, is that you?!

  17. DadNCharge says:

    Innovation at its best. Thanks for the laugh and the ideas. I guess I could change up my “Wanna do it?” move.

  18. Marilyn says:

    I almost always initiate.. not that he’s not interested, but MS fatigue can make for a very tired hubby! I don’t even ask, most of the time; I just put on my one super-cute nighty and start in! Of course, there was the one year I made his Valentine card myself, complete with a rather revealing picture of myself. He propped it up on our desk where he could see it all the time, until one day our teenage son wandered in and said, “What’s that?” Haha.

    An Evite might be fun. I wish our bedroom door locked.

  19. Are We Not Men says:

    Always being turned down — however clumsy my technique is — is demoralizing.

    Got an urge, got a surge
    And it’s outta control
    Got an urge I wanna purge
    ‘Cause I’m losing control

    Are we not men?
    We are devo.

  20. Olga says:

    I, the female, have tried to invite my husband during the course of the day for an evening of sex through various ways. However, my sext was followed by a phone call on his behalf asking “you were sending this to me, right?”and my dirty, low voiced phone calls by a “please honey, I’m in the middle of a meeting/brainstorming/a room full of people, I can’t possibly be thinking about this thing now”. E-mails, same deal. I tell you, if I were the guy, this relationship would be a lot more fun. I would really appreciate it if someone could just tell me that there are indeed other males of this sort out there!

    • Are We Not Men says:

      What a dope!

    • Maritza says:

      Yes, mine. And he’s the boss at work so I would think he can rearrange a schedule! But he’s usual response (even when I’m practically begging…NAKED) “Wow, not now babe, I’m trying to think!” … What?! Well, I think he should start using he’s other head.

      • Are We Not Men says:

        To state the obvious: he’s not attracted to you. Why? Could be a lot of things. Do you have a good partnership (money, parenting, time, etc)? Do you have a good emotional relationship? Is he stressed out? Does he have impotence?

  21. This is brilliant! I’m going to send one to my hubby right now! I”m going to request his presence to “Ride the Rod-Party for 2.”

    Thanks for the idea!

  22. Allicia F says:

    I’ve been inspired! I love the idea of sending an evite to a party (Party in my pants!!!!) … Just a question, does the evite itself count as initiating or do I still have to make the first real move?

  23. Johanna says:

    Brilliant!! I just sent my husband a Dinner Party evite! Wink wink Menu? Me!

  24. I feel sad for the onslaught of evites women around America are going to get inviting them to have sex. Probably the same sex they’ve been having which is why they don’t want to have it in the first place.

    Make the sex better, then send me an invite for it. I’d be ALL in. So to speak.

  25. Johanna says:

    Totally worked… not that he ever needs motivation… but it makes it fun! :)

Leave a Reply

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.