How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Baby Teeth & Other Ferocious Fangs


Baby Teeth and Other Ferocious Fangs

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New baby teeth are such a fake out. As a parent, you suffer so much for those little things to come in, so when they do, you almost want to do backflips, build a bonfire and set off fireworks. Maybe we’re talking about me at this point, but in any case, it’s a huge achievement, a life experience never to be forgotten. But, remember, you could use these same words to describe surviving a shark attack…

Baby teeth are sharp! Babies are so amazing, however, you sit there chuckling like a moron juggling grenades, drunk on the cuteness. As a dad, you’ve got the little drooling one on your knee and you stick out a soon-to-be-unfortunate knuckle – BLAM!!! Aaaaarg! Or, as a breastfeeding mom, you sit there in the afternoon glow with the nestling angel, whip out a boob and – BLAM!!! Yeeeeeow!

Some have mentioned that tickling a baby is the best way to get them to release their razor-clamp, but please be warned, it can just as often result in a harder bite. Also, if someone told you that the best way to stop a Great White from gnawing you in half was to tickle its nose, would you really be capable of recalling that tip in the moment, let alone putting it into practice?

I’m not trying to instill fear in anyone, I’m just trying to say that snakes apparently do not appreciate you relieving yourself two feet away and that baby teeth are supercalifragilisticexpialidociously sharp. So, be cautious about where you drop trou’ in the woods, and give your nipples and knuckles the same consideration when a baby has just gotten some of its teeth.


Facebook always seems like it’s teething…
No, seriously. Doesn’t it?

Verop torlap insortiata
That’s not Latin. Uhhhh, yeah. Our Instructional Diagrams make about as much sense as that.


35 Responses to “Baby Teeth & Other Ferocious Fangs”

  1. Canadian Dad says:

    Amen to that! If I had a nickel for every surgically repaired finger I have due to baby bites, I’d have no money, but the bites still hurt!

  2. Christina says:

    Its like a paper cut…who knew paper and babies could inflict so much pain?

    • Andy says:

      So true. It’s the surprise factor, you just know that paper cuts and nips from baby teeth are going happen, but you didn’t know that they’d have the uncanny ability to always slice right into the largest nerve in the area.

  3. Joanne says:

    True dat. Even worse when you scream in agony, then look down to see the babe smiling sweetly at you, as if to say “I only do it because I love you”.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! I’ve had that experience, not breastfeeding of course πŸ˜‰ Ha ha! but with that innocent, “whu?” look. I’ve also had it happen where I let out an uncontrollable “AAAARRGGGG!!!” and one of my boys will be looking at me in horror and fear. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?! written all over their face.

  4. Aniekan says:

    Kinda lucky for now. Only my wife gets its feel, although its only a tooth.

  5. Mother Duck says:

    Yessss! There were at least three times my daughter bit me so hard while nursing that I was sure I would be nipple-less when I was able to separate. I weened earlier than planned to prevent the enviable cannibalism. ( *)(#)<—bandaged booby.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I F##KING LOVE THE EMOTICON!!!!!!!! Tho I’m wincing with sympathetic excruciating pain memory. AAAAAARRRGGG!!!

    • Vania says:

      My daughter is almost 8 months old, yet no sign of her first teeth.. While my husband and I are anxiously waiting for them, I am really really not looking forward for the pain she will inflict on my nipples @___@

  6. Soldi says:

    Dude! They’re evil! And then, of course, you’re play eating the baby and going all “nom nom nom” on them and they want to play back, so you let them, BUT they don’t know how to play right! Freaking babies/toddlers…

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! You know what the most dangerous venous snake is? A baby snake! It’s TRUE!!!

      It doesn’t matter what species. The reason is, they’re young and don’t know the power/threat theyΒ possess and will dump their entire load of venom into whatever they’re latched onto, where an adult snake will just use enough and then still have “bullets left in the gun” in case there’s another dumb camper/hiker around the next bush.

    • Evonne says:

      haha! reminds me of when we taught the eldest to blow raspberries. He sank the teeth in too…was the weirdest sensation. Tickle and bite all in one :$

  7. Jeanette says:

    Excellent usage of the word supercalifragilisticexpialidocious(ly). My little guy is in the beginning stages of teething. I’m so worried about that first time he bites me while nursing! So many say they have weaned once their babies teethed. I don’t want that to happen!

    • Andy says:

      Why thanks! πŸ˜‰ Don’t worry too much. It can hurt like hell from what my wife tells me but the nipping happened very few times and went away fast. She BFed for two years.

  8. Kippie says:

    Hahaha! Snakes don’t like to be mooned!

    Seriously, my little dude figured out really quickly that if he bit, he didn’t get boob. That put an end to the biting right away.

  9. Louise says:

    My bub just got her second tooth. She has been testing them out by chomping on everything! Teethers, books, fingers, toes (her own and other peoples) knees, bears, shopping trolleys… I’m so glad i couldn’t brestfeed right now. I’m covered with bites and slashes from fingernails as it is!

  10. Jennifer says:

    We’ve started calling my munchkin Baby Bear, in honor of those teeth. She’s got 3 now, and her favorite place to bite? My calves. She also has the best radar in the world, she knows when I’m on an important phone call, and that’s when she sinks her teeth into the back of my leg. Do you have any idea how hard it is to question a charge on your credit card, detach a toddler from you leg, and check for bleeding, all without shrieking in outrage???

    • Andy says:

      Yikes! I never got the calf bites, my knees were the chosen target for all my boys. Oh and uhhhh YEEEESSSSS!!! I have an idea of how hard what you described is! That’s why we’re ninjas. It’s an art form. Often a martial art form. πŸ˜‰

  11. stacey says:

    I’m going to try very hard to NOT teach my daughter a game my wife just mentioned. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Baby Teeth. In this game Baby Teeth wins over EVERYTHING. Including dynamite, steam shovels, Spock, & Death Stars.

  12. Meggan says:

    you forgot the shoulder. an I the only one who’s cannibal bites the shoulder that rocks them? really hard?

    • Andy says:

      Oooooh yeah. Definietly not the only one. When all of the boys had their teeth come in, I’d be talking hold them against my chest and it would go something like this, “I think that’s supposed to happen todaYARGGG!!! Whew. Sorry, I’m not insane, the little one just took a pound of flesh.” πŸ˜‰

  13. Josh says:

    My little terror goes for my feet when he gets over excited. They keep you on your toes, that’s for sure.

  14. Jo says:

    Not giving-a-shitness? Is this a technical term?!? Mr. Smarty Pants here, I see… πŸ˜‰

  15. momof2 says:

    I’m pretty sure this is why breast pumps were invented. I used mine almost exclusively once my kids had their teeth in.

  16. Catherine says:

    Do you remember a stock-epithet that describes something, for example Apollo, fleet-of-foot. Or Zeus, Father-of-gods… Well my (now 21 year old) son had fangs like a great white and used them one everything until I got him to stop chomping his sisters at age 3. I used to call him: Alec, mandibles-of-death. Truly, nightmare and bandaid inspired.

  17. Belinda says:

    Baby teeth are by far the worst as they attack me way more than any of the others. Nothing is sacred! Toes, legs, shoulders, boobs and the worst is the side of your neck OUCH! Little vampire child…

  18. MommyChewToy says:

    My son has made friends with a bitter at daycare. Now at home as we lay together to scroll through humorous Facebook posts as I unwind from work, he’ll grab my hand and bite it. Worst yet is in the mornings if I let him lay with me (desperately fighting for a few extra minutes) he’ll note my nipples! He didn’t even breast feed!

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