How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Ninja Parent Lessons: The Scissor Kiss

Posted by on April 4th, 2012, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Ninja Parent Lessons The Scissor Kiss

Ninjas have long known that the skill of being able to kill someone with one arm tied behind their back was a worthy achievement. For parents, this level of skill can become useful in the task of keeping someone ALIVE with an arm tied behind your back.

Most people don’t realize that the ancient art of ninjas can benefit the modern day parent. It’s not all flying kicks and summersaults. For either of them. Though admittedly, those are the best parts. For the ninjas, not parents.

What is The One-Armed Dragon Series, you ask? When caring for a baby, you’re often deprived of the use of one arm because it’s otherwise occupied holding the baby or holding it at bay. When you’re a ninja, it’s the same. Because they also have babies and also because sometimes one of their arms gets lopped off in an epic duel of blades and shadows. The point is, they’re pros at making the most of it, with the least. And this series focuses on this specific skill set.

Don’t be discouraged. Just think how much easier the training will be for you. Ninjas have to learn to perform The Scissor Kiss with a mask on! So, practice and use The Scissor Kiss to up your parenting game. Be a ninja parent!

Maskbook?
Ninjas don’t show their faces online.

More Ninja Stuff
Maybe a course in ninjas is in order.
 

36 Comments

36 Responses to “Ninja Parent Lessons: The Scissor Kiss”

  1. Christina says:

    Lol. I have to tear fabric for sword wounds on a frequent basis. You know…the whole being married to a big kid and a mommy to a 3 year old boy…

  2. jeff c says:

    This is just one reason why you two are indispensable! You take the mundane and make it (what i would like to call) “Mundawesome!” Things I have always joked about you refine to hilariously diagram-able perfection and then post it for all the non-parenting world to marvel at in utter disbelief.

    Proud dad of a 2yr old girl and an 8 month old boy,
    Black belt One-Arm Dragon,
    Jeff C.

  3. Kristin says:

    LOL! “keeping someone alive with one arm tied behind your back”! This is so familiar!

    My son is 9 mos old and seems hell bent on trying to kill himself every chance he gets. Trying to fling himself off the changing table and other “stunt man” like activities.

    • Andy says:

      Sometimes I thank the my lucky stars that they’re so soft and bouncy. They DO seem bent on self-destruction sometimes. Yikes!

    • stacey says:

      My absolute favorite baby daredevil move my daughter likes to use is the “Reverse Double Kick Off Bungee Jump into the Doorframe manuever” Thankfully I’ve mastered the Demon Crab Claw technique to maintain hold of her. The only flaw in the Demon Crab Claw technique is that it easily could lead to severely bruised and/or dislocated shoulders as your other side slams into the opposite part of the door frame. Still working on that part…

  4. Kathy - fom COLOMBIA South America says:

    I have a 6 month old and I have to pull of all sort of acrobacies with her in one arm and pulling my hir and ears, it get’s worse when she seed the dog because she wants to jump down from my one-arm-grip to the floor and she throws me off balance. Reading this I got dejavu and a zillion flasbacks. thank you for making me smile, this blog makes me love bein a mother even more!

  5. Kathy - fom COLOMBIA South America says:

    I have a 6 month old and I have to pull of all sort of acrobacies with her in one arm and pulling my hair and ears, it gets worse when she sees the dog because she wants to jump down from my one-arm-grip to the floor and she throws me off balance. Reading this I got déjavu and a zillion flashbacks. thank you for making me smile, this blog makes me love being a mother even more tha I lready do! Dammnit we’re super hero ninjas too

    • Andy says:

      Dear super hero ninja from Columbia,

      Wow! Ha ha! We’ll be covering the “Hugging the Epileptic Eel” or some such name to go over the baby flopping and flipping we all go through. Sooooo glad this put a smile on your face, and I hope the flashbacks weren’t like the war flashbacks that make veterans wake up screaming and covered in sweat. Ha ha!

      -Andy
      American Ninja Parent

  6. Drew says:

    Most technical One-Arm Dragon move I’ve DARED to attempt: Using the manual can opener. #fail

    Abandoned ANY One-Arm Dragon task after my son learned the “baby back bend” – where he tries to see the world upside down from the confines of my arms.

    Funny post!

  7. This. Is. RAD!

    I excel in the life of Ninja Mommy. When you spend almost ten years straight with one useable hand you excel greatly. I can even open child proof medicine bottles with one hand, while holding a baby, and making crafts. ;)

  8. Leanne says:

    I think the image link is broken! It’s just showing an error saying the image no longer exists from imgur.com.

  9. Timmeh says:

    Whoever does these images is very talented, as are the authors of the blogs themselves.

    I’ve only just discovered this site in the past few days and it’s helping me see the frustrating parts of parenting a very young kid in a more positive funny light.

    Thanks!

  10. Erich says:

    If these are ever sold in large format they should be like scrolls. I can see myself with a wriggling baby having to reach over and pull out of of the sacred scrolls of baby ninjitsu and feeling my dad awesomeness level spike.

  11. Ryan says:

    I recently had to make a kick save on my 10 month old. Put him in the car seat, unbuckled, and stupidly turned my head for a 10th of a second to push away the shopping cart that was rolling towards me. In that time he managed to pull a double tuck half gainer out of the van towards the asphalt. I don’t know if it was the high school hacky sack skills or intuitive Daddy-fu, but I caught him with one foot and limited the damage to a scraped knee.

  12. Ugh, my wife uses her teeth to bite through the little plastic thingy that holds tags on. Makes me shudder! Thanks for the shivers up my spine!

    Cheers!

  13. James StMartin says:

    still broken :(

  14. Anwen says:

    Do you have Calpol in the US? Sachets of baby paracetamol. Teething toddler. Scissor kiss. Boom.

    • Andy says:

      Wow. I’m sorry but your comment is completely confusing to me.

      • Christina says:

        Its a UK product for child pain relief – I guess what he is specifically referring to is the packaging for their teething gel…and using the scissor kiss to make it go everywhere you don’t want it…

        Which has happened to me with potato chip bags with too much air in them… Scissor Kiss. Boom.

        • Andy says:

          That makes sense. Using the Scissor Kiss on potato chip bags takes practice. I’ve experience the plastic bag grenade effect before. BOOM!

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