Baby Fingernails & Other Deadly Edged Weapons
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Baby fingernails are so sharp they make razor blades seem like warm gummy bears in comparison. If you’ve got kids, you’ve probably experienced the sudden sizzling pain of your baby’s nails accidentally giving you inexpert plastic surgery. You’ve probably heard this phrase before, “Ooooo. What happened to your face?” Or, my fave, “What did you do to yourself?” It takes a great deal of effort for me not to answer with something about taking a power drill with the trigger duct taped on full-blast and trying to balance it on the tip of my nose.
Okay. Maybe this Instructional Diagram has something to do with the fact that my toddler son went all Wolverine on my nose and lip a couple of days ago, and I’ve had to endure a sting every time I smile (which is a lot) and every time I talk (which is even more). Baby nails are sharp (fingers AND toes), and trimming the little edged weapons is easier said than done.
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Can you get a paper cut on Facebook?
No. The was just a dumb, humorous question to get you to Like us on Facebook.
FUNstructional Diagrams!
Yeah. That was dumb, too. Sorry.
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100 Responses to “Baby Fingernails & Other Deadly Edged Weapons”
ha ha we just trimmed our 10 month old’s yesterday. What a battle it was! I said to the wife we should just get a scratching post…
I’m stealing that one for a Bad Product Idea. Baby Scratching Post. No wait, I can’t, BECAUSE IT’S A GOOD IDEA!!!
I thought this was just my kid. You mean to tell me there is an army of babies out there armed with these razor Sharp finger nails ready to attack at a moments notice. Why aren’t there more warnings of this danger?
This is truly one of the more important things that we as parents need to be warned about.
There aren’t more warnings because there are only two of us here doing the warning! Charlie and I are trying to cover all bases, but in the ball game of parenting, there are hundreds of thousands of bases!
Its a conspiracy i tell you. they are trying to keep the truth from us. Well thank you for all your hard work exposing the truth
We call our daughters nails Talons.
Hehehe… I thought my wife were the only ones that did that.
Trying to trim said baby nails is a workout all on its own and the stress that comes with it is horrible. Baby fingernails definately deserve to be in the Deadly Edged Weapons category. Good Job for catching that.
****They need to do an episode of Deadliest Warrior using a baby. The baby would win everytime cuz the cuteness factory would mean the other Warrior would not understand how deadly those nails can be.****
Almost forgot to comment on the “Vacationing Teens” under the butcher knife. I did not miss that. Very Cool! Loved it!!!!!!!
I’m so glad! Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever reads the s##t I write into these things.
Every time.
Baby would win on that episode. Easy.
Don’t forget the teeth. Dear God, the teeth…
(shudder) That will be for a later installment.
They don’t even NEED teeth, I’ve often checked if a baby had teeth I didn’t know about. Nobody warns you that they have gums of granite!
Its funny because it’s true. Light sabers cut through droids like butta.
My kid had to wear mitts for months. She did so much damage to her face. 3 permanent scars. I’ve had b
Old drawn many times.
There was a time we called her blades.
We tried the mitts. No go. We also had trouble with trimming. We actually used a nail file from time to time to hold the wolves of his fingernails at bay.
I cut them when he is asleep, otherwise, no deal.
Yeah, we’ve got the baby nail clippers with the flashlight built into the handle. Someone’s got the right idea.
I gotta get me some of those! Never seen them in the UK before, but that’s an ingenious idea.
I forgot about the fingernails when I agreed we’d have another baby. Now she’s six months gone and I fear baby will be slicing her way out very soon…
WARNING: These have HELPED us avoid accidental nips, but it still happens.
Safety 1st Sleepy Baby Nail Clippers
I would have needed these three months ago, when I went to breastfeed my baby in the middle of the night and she sunk her talons to my breast and slashed long welts to my boobs. So I took the baby nail scissors and cut her nails then and there, in a nearly pitch dark room, without my glasses on (bad myopia), with the baby struggling the whole time.
I still consider it a miracle that only her nails got cut by the scissors.
They sure are scary sharp, and inflict injury in a matter of seconds. I remember when my daughter was one day old, and I wanted to snap a photo of her peacefully sleeping in her bassinet. I walked into the other room, which took not even two minutes, and when I came back, she had a HUGE laceration on her face, that she gave herself. I snapped the photo to document it. They don’t make those little baby mittens for nothing!!!!
Oh man! Tell me about it. First time I saw baby mittens I thought it was for people dressing their kids and babies up like dolls or putting clothes on their pets. Later I understood well why they are made.
Whenever I need to clip my kid’s fingernails, I just put him in an armbar.
LMAO! Brazilian Jujitsu FTW
Ugh! Cutting them just makes it worse! It’s like taking a knife sharpener to a Ginsu!
So they tell you to file them. Riiiiight. Because my kid is going to peacefully sit there while I rub a sand-covered piece of cardboard across the tip of their finger. I tried that with my youngest and it took five minutes to get a single nail done.
Screw it. Eventually, they’ll have teeth and can take care of it themselves.
It’s one of the worst things. Nail trimming. People who don’t have kids think the horrors that await in Parentlandia are all about poop. WRONG.
Hahaha!
Just this morning I pinned down my child to cut his “daggers”.
@ Manda you are so right1 File them?! Not since he was less that 3 months old and passed out cold after eating have I been able to file them!
Recently I ran up the stairs to the master bathroom because Lucas was screaming as he was under the Harry Potter Cruciatus curse only to find the Lizzie was just trying to trim his nails. Crazy!
My friend’s daughter took off 20% of her cornea last month when she was begging for her mommy in the middle of the night. The doc said it was like she’d had lasik surgery. Deadly. Precise. Cute. Marketable?
I’m sorry. I’m finding it hard to reply to your comment because my eyes are tearing up in sympathy heebie jeebies. YIKES!
The worst is that they don’t let go! Babies tend to squeeze their fists closed no matter what obstacle might be in it: your cheek, eyelid, nostril or boob. Ouch indeed!
To open their hands you need to fold their wrists and the fingers will automatically loose the tight grip
Yeah, there’s a little button in the middle of their bellies which causes them to let go (because holding and giggling are too hard to do all at once)
What!? No banana added for scale?
Ooooooohhhh, Andy got BUSTED!!!
F##k.
WAIT! What were you saying???? It’s in there. Ha ha!
P.S. Thanks.
Yes they do say baby rattle snakes have such fine fangs they go right through the snakeproof gloves, and they also don’t portion out their venom so you get the full hit…coincidence? I suppose if you get through an angry mama, you deserve the worst!
Coincidence? Coinci-NOT! Or something. Anyways, I agree!
And they are lightning fast and scratch your eyeballs before reflex can even flinch,
So true. Babies defy the laws of time and space. It’s like the Matrix or something. We must look like marshmallows sinking in honey to them.
The worst is that you have only managed to cut them properly and then less than a week later the nails are very sharp again!!! :s
Worst! They’re like little magical tricks.
Or magical curses. 
Agreed.
Because I’m a stickler: There is no edge on a light saber. It’s as wide as it is thick and deadly from all directions, requiring no edge to face forward.
WRONG! And sort of right. Here’s the deal: the philosophy that was engineered around the lightsaber is that it is “all edge” and this spun off into it being a sort of an allegory for a Jedi, who suffers from the contradiction of delivering death to save life. Blah blah blah®
Silly Mr. Lucas. You shouldn’t parry with the edge. It’s a good way to notch your lightsaber…
Ha ha! Silly Mr. Lucas you shouldn’t make terrible pre-quils, you’ll put a notch in my love of the Star Wars universe.
Maybe I should borrow a baby next time I need to open something that’s in shrink wrap.
Why “maybe”? Definitely! Just make sure whatever’s under the shrink wrap you wouldn’t mind tossing into a tree branch chipper-shredder.
Our kids have razor sharp talons.
Makes you wonder if humans ever had a cross-over with birds of prey on the evolutionary line.
YOu should include their teeth ad toenails as well.
We’re working on it.
Baby nails are also known for slicing through the child’s own face the day before any scheduled professional photo session or pediatrician appointment. Baby foreheads, their second sinister defensive weapon, are also known for contacting the edge of the coffee table before ped visits. Because, if they don’t kill you with their claws or well-placed headbutt to the bridge of your nose, then they’ll make damned sure CPS comes to haul you away for all those suspicious looking bruises and lacerations on their innocent little faces…
If this occurs down the road I will report my daughter for all the perfectly timed junk shots while trying to get her in the shopping cart. I almost feel like they are perpetually bruised…
Ugh, so true!! They try to tell you that when babies come out, their nails are paper thin, part of the skin, etc…WHATEVER!!! Just another lie they tell you, to lull you in. My son came out with long, perfectly formed nails! We had to trim them the day we got home. Still, no matter how well I think I trim them, I always leave a sharp-beyond-belief edge that I can never seem to find. That is until he uses it.
Yeah, baby nails are tough… but try PUPPY CLAWS! They don’t understand not to scratch, and they enjoy jumping on adults and children. They also box with their paws when they’re playing, causing raised red scratches on your face.
So I just got a puppy. What’s up with you?
I bite my son’s nails when he’s nursing to keep them under control. I worked on the theory that he was wanting to scratch up my face anyway so I could restrain the top hand and keep his nails under control at the same time.
This still works on him and he’s 2.
It works. We’ve done this too. “Let me kiss your fingers, lad.” Ha ha! Nails trimmed!
Oh man, I gotta share what my 3 year old said while sitting in my lap looking at your page. Keep in mind that the ad for your “7 rules for Non-Parent Etiquette” is up on the sidebar, the one with with the man with the lazers coming out of his eyes.
It starts out with my three year old naming the things he sees.
“Sword…lightsaber…baby.”
(Yes, he says lightsaber fine..we’ve trained him well)
“Grumpy man!…Man lazers!”
“Man fight baby lazers! (PAUSE) Baby need sword.”
Seriously…I did not make this up! The things I wish I had on film!
PS: Can I share a screenshot I took of your page with this and the lazer guy so I can put this on facebook for my friends? (I’d just link the page…but the Lazer guy won’t always be there).
PPS: I’ll link back.
Sure! Soooooo sorry it took me so long to answer back on this, I just saw the notification.
Baby have hand-razors. Baby slice nam-lazers apart. Baby win. Man cry.
I love this. Amazing. (shaking my head in wonder and awe)
Obviously, I’m up for the “mother of the year” award…while attempting to trim back the razor blades others call baby nails, I accidentally clipped off the top of my 6 week old baby’s thumb! There was more blood than I care to remember, and I had to call hubby home to stop the crying (mine, that is). Thankfully, bub was too young to hold it against me, and the evidence healed real nice!
Lizzie did that the first try and cried until forever or the end of the day, whichever seemed to come first. I feel your vicarious pain.
I know how you feel. I’vm thankful they don’t remember too. And if my “mis-clips” weren’t enough, my second had to deal with an older brother (age 2 at the time), who saw me clipping baby brother’s nails and found the scizzors and tried to do it himself. I heard my littlest crying, and turned around to see my oldest with nail scizzors in hand and baby bro with blood all over his toes. Luckily once the toes were clean it was only a few small cuts…but still.
But still! Don’t I know it. (SHUDDERING)
I thought my baby was teething this morning. Nope, fingernails.
I think the only thing sharper is new baby teeth.
That’ll be the follow-up to this Instructional Diagram.
My father likes to tell the story of when my older sisters were little how they’d come and hop into bed with them in the mornings. Apparantly mum and dad would pretend to still be asleep in the hope that they’d go away. Didn’t work. First they pried their eyelids open and then when that failed to work finger up nose did. Dad descibes it as finger went up, bent over and ripped out. Can only imagine the agony of a little kids claws up the nose! (of course you’ll note I wasn’t there so am therefore innocent ;o) – on this occasion at least)
my own solution to baby razor-sharp-impossible-to-cut claws, was to do them progessively. I’d bite one or two off as I was able to get a hold of them. there’s no way they’d sit still for the whole lot.
ARG!!! Nostril attacks are awful!!! Anyways, yeah, one or two at a time worked for us too when they were being… “resistant.”
Sometimes I think I have had a baby velociraptor when she does the ‘climb Mummy’ thing, digging her big toe in my tummy and utilising her talon like nail to disembowel me. Also, I liken her to a fighting Kangaroo and how they gouge at each others belly with powerful ninja kicks in order to win supremacy over their herd… OMG, is that what it’s all about! I thought I had years up my sleeve before the power struggle over who rules the roost – Argh!!!
I swear I just had this conversation this morning with my wife. We have a five month old I’m going to start calling “Garrett Scissorhands.” Each morning, I pick him up from his crib and I swear it looks like he was attacked by a dingo!! Well – this may be my new blog topic at http://www.genxdaddy.com!
Hahaha. Love this. I know the feeling. Being clawed so early in the morning and right before going to bed is one of the things a father must endure. But they’re worth every scratch and scar.
Worth every single one! Plus, you can tell other people you braided the fur of a bobcat the other day.
Lisa W:
I think all parents commit this horror at least once…few will admit it. Worst/best part? Kid’s like “whatevs” and you are scarred for life.
And a follow up to allll of this, what is up with their old man-looking toe nails? My beautiful baby girl has the gnarly toes of a 90-year-old when I’m behind on her “mani/pedi” (which she now says and that’s hilarious).
That’s so cute she says “Pedi.”
Know what you mean about 90-year old toes, too.
Haha on the vacationing teens
I don’t miss the baby nail stage! Stay safe!
Until my daughter was about 2 years old I would sneak into her room after she had fallen asleep and use the lighted nail clippers (shown above). It was the only way we could ever get it done!
I am pretty sure that I am going to make bananas an official unit of measurement in my house.
The next time someone asks me how tall my son is, I was simply say, “He is twelve bananas tall.”
You would be very wise to do so. Unless you ran out of bananas.
I just wonder why do their fingernails outgrow our attempts to trim them!
For as much as you try they always have claws!!! And my face has the scars to prove it!!!
I have two lines of 2″ scratch marks on my face from my 10 month old this week. DH is calling her wolverine. We also had discussed how we could get her to use the cat’s scratchy post.
Snickety Snack…
That might be a great idea for the BAd Product Idea series. Baby Scratching Post & Play Mat.
My kids have never gotten me, but they get themselves, as everyone says, always right before the photo shoots
It doesn’t seem to matter if I just trimmed them 2 days before that either. I have to catch them sleeping to get it done most of the time anymore, or very very distracted by something… maybe.
Isn’t that the way!?! ALWAYS! Right before a holiday when the cameras are going to all be set to full auto, right? MAN! I love the looks we’ll occasionally get from strangers who see us, look at Lucas with a long line on his face and then look at us, there faces say, “razor blade mobile, or do you let him eat with a machete?”
Oh heavens, the worst is the ear grab. It looks cute to on-lookers but he digs his little hooks in. I swear I had to summon my inner Buddha not to toss him across the room. He likes to kneed like the cats O.o He is evil I tell you, evil.
Pure, undiluted evil. (shuddering in remembered pain)
I just choked on my own tears… and freaked out my coworkers. Sleep deprivation and a banana for scale… jesus it kills me every freaking time.
YEEEEESSSSSS!!! You have know idea how happy this makes me!!!
My 1 year old is part wookiee. Except her claws are always out, and she has no problem fighting with them.
Sorry, my inner geek is showing.
Ha ha! Amazing.
-Fellow geek
Dude, I am so upset that I just found this site, but now I am life long subscriber! I have two toddler boys and man I know firsthand about the fingernails. One of my sons is blessed with an iron grip along with THE sharpest, diamond-tipped nails I’ve ever encountered. All that milk and formula goes straight to the fingernails and diapers!
I love the diagram and that is my daughter on the far right! I spent this morning in A&E getting a bandage type contact lenses inserted into my eye as my daughter decided to slice her nail across my cornea as I was passing her to my wife, it feels like somebody is throwing sand in my face every 10 seconds, thanks