How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

WOMEN’S EDITION! 50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 3 of 5)

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50 Ways to Nudge your Lover for Women


 
WARNING: Don’t be mad at me. I was told by very persistent sex-deprived women to post this for them! Women also need to drop a clue to their men that they’re in the mood for love. The washing machine set to a feverish spin cycle can only see a girl so far, and can be positively dangerous when the load isn’t balanced properly.


Strong enough for a man but made for a women? Hmmmm. Tips for women to nudge men, written by a man. You’d think this would be a good idea, and you would be right if it weren’t for that whole “you’d be wrong” part getting in the way. Here we go!

And now for the third set! 21-30:


 

#21 Flatter the Senses

Don’t just tell him how sexy his arms look when he’s grunting over a stubborn pickle jar, men need multiple-sensory input. Walk up to him and caress his guns (even if they’re just pea-shooters). Make eye contact so he can see you’re impressed. Toss your hair so the fragrance of it wins out over the pickles. Pour it on! THICK! You should have his attention by now, so set the jar on a counter and grab his pickle…
 


 

#22 Love Something you Hate

Pick the thing he most loves that he knows you most hate. The wider the chasm the better, so he’ll know it probably has nothing to do with his music, beverage of choice, sports, favorite movie quotes or video games. It’s all about softening him up for sex.

Example: when he’s glued to Skyrim on his gaming station, walk in front of the screen wearing only an arrow duct-taped to your knee and say, “I used to want to bed an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow to the knee.”
 


 

#23 Sugary, Spicy and Everything Naughty

When men make inanimate objects or food goods into sexual re-enactments it’s lewd and nasty. But when women do it… well, lewd and nasty works on men.

(See “My Wife Just Said…” #8)
 


 

#24 Be Statuesque-ish

Talc. Flour. Grease paint. Just turn yourself to marble and stand there, posed. A symbol of classic beauty chiseled out of marble. Naked marble. Pubic hair and fig leaves are optional. When he comes home or walks into the kitchen, be still and unresponsive until he touches you.

(If you’ve got kids just be sure to make arrangements that they don’t accidentally stumble in on your private art exhibition.)
 


 

#25 The Dirty Rosetta Stone

Some women get uncomfortable about dirty talking. Stuttering and nervous giggling ruins the moment. But what if you learn to say it in another romantic language? Right!?! Kind of bypasses all of that! You’ll be able to smoothly say, “F##k me until the sun explodes, and so hard and hot that it won’t matter,” sounding sultry AND sophisticated.
 


 

#26 Seal in the Freshness

Plastic Wrap. Use a whole role and your imagination. Yeah, you may have noticed nudity is a recurring theme here. This is to nudge men here, ladies! You can probably put away the romantic candlestick doilies if it’s sex you’re after.

Note: Women who are a little too self-conscious can use aluminum foil. Especially those of you who have guys that are way into sci-fi or baked potatoes.
 

Sexy Wink
 

#27 Wink

That’s all. Wink. Really that’s it! It’s been sexy forever. If you do it right, at just the right time, you’ll have wolves howling outside your house. Just channel every amp of sexual energy you have into it so that lightning nearly arcs from your lashes. It’s a slow and steady “love me so hard that I’ll regret this wink” kinda wink.
 

Play Barry White so you can get enough of her his, babe
 

#28 The Return of the Barry White

“Even for women to men?” ESPECIALLY! You have to realize that when a woman puts Barry White on for a man, it’s 5 times as potent! There had better not be any expensive furniture or closed doors between you two and the bedroom. It will not survive.
 


 

#29 Book Learnin’

Go to a used book store and pick up as many sex-related books as you can afford or carry. The Kama Sutra, “history of sex” books, sex position books, Sex for Morons, etc. Leave them in your bedroom and personal bathroom, safe from your kids, but where your man will surely discover them. He’ll get what practical application you’re interested in for the studying you seem to be doing.
 

Boobs in a Box
 

#30 Boobs in a Box

There’s a comedy bit that Justin Timberlake did on Saturday Night Live called “D##k in a Box” that went a little viral. It was generally considered hilarious because of how crass and vulgar it was. However, when a woman pulls a “Boobs in a Box” on her man, it’ll be the gift that keeps on giving. Well, for 15-20 minutes at least (on average). And I’m not talking about the two of you “laughing” each other’s brains outs.
 

Some men reading this might think it should have just been written for women as “1) lay in bed naked, 2-10) repeat step one.” But there are men out there whose interest in sex is too blunted by stress, fatigue or an obsession for a sporting event or gaming console. On the other hand, there are probably also women out there that are now creating Women for a World Without Andy social communities. Yeeeeeeeah… Sorry, ladies!

-Andy

After the first two parts of “50 Ways…”, Andy was encouraged by some female readers to write some Nudges from the viewpoint of women, so try to go easy on him and blame them instead.

[ 1-10 ] [ 11-20 ]

Make the Facebook with Two Backs
That sounded really freaky and wrong, but it was intended to be sweet and… not wrong.

Our Instructional Diagrams Are like Dessert
Regular dessert, not “eat it off your lover’s body” kind of dessert.
 

27 Comments

27 Responses to “WOMEN’S EDITION! 50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 3 of 5)”

  1. Christina says:

    Found this the other day on my Facebook feed. The Boobs in a Box reminded me of it…

    http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/jackalope/NESControllerBra.jpg

    As for the dirty talk, the husband and I resort to “dirt, baby poop, 3-year old poop, litter box” for our very literal “dirty” talk. Your way might be better for wooing into bed, but our way gets rid of the awkwardness in laughter…

    • Andy says:

      That bra is amaaaaaaazing. I’m not sure my wife would enjoy my rapid-fire video game vibro-finger of arcade annihilation, but she’d probably coo and sigh at the more complicated fighting game combo moves.

      Ha ha ha ha! NOT ONLY CAN I NOT BELIEVE I’M WRITING THIS, I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE A PLACE WHERE IT IS RELEVANT FOR ME TO DO SO!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha

  2. Erich says:

    #22 is an odd one because there have been times when I’ve had to peel my wife away from video games. We’re both gamers so it can go either way there. Ladies, if a guy is willing to pause/stop is game to take a call, text or arrow to the knee for you then you’ve got a good one.

    • Andy says:

      -GAME PAUSED-

      (Setting my mind’s controller down for a moment of awed silence.)

      You’re a lucky man. ;)

      -START-

      • Erich says:

        Indeed I am. It’s a blessing in that she doesn’t say they’re dumb because she enjoys them as well but also a curse because when she’s gaming and I want my turn I have to wait.

        • Andy says:

          Oh yeah… I didn’t think about that. :( That would make my heart swell and soul itch.

          “Wow! level 16 on CoD Nazi Zombies, hun! Impressive… Heh heh! But you realize the rounds start lasting waaaaaaay longer now, right? Why not make it more fun and play out the rest of the game just using just your pistol.”

          ARG!!!!!!

  3. Sarcasmicrph says:

    Used book store Kama Sutra? REALLY?? Ew ew ewwwww! That’s IF the pages aren’t stuck together……

    BTW, I’m all over the “Boobs In A Box” maneuver tonight. Thanks for the tips!

  4. Monica says:

    Andy-

    You never disappoint. Wonderful and Funny ideas. Can’t wait for the rest of them. Thanks!

  5. Great list. And guess what my man has some big guns. No trying to inflate his ego with pea shooters…he is man all over.

  6. Chris says:

    The “bed an adventurer” line is absolutely perfect! Thank goodness for the autosave feature because it would be go time.

  7. chelsea says:

    Huh-LARIOUS!! Love the ideas, keep them coming…pun intended.

    • Andy says:

      Wowwwwwwww. HowToBeADad.com, how do I love thee, let me count the ways… Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That pun certainly made the list. ;)

  8. beta dad says:

    My wife looks up from reading sexy werewolf books on the iPad and says, “Wanna do it?” Hasn’t missed yet.

    • Andy says:

      Now I have that weird werewolf rape scene from Gary Oldman’s Dracula stuck in my head. Thanks. (I am actually thanking you, without sarcasm.)

  9. Laurie says:

    Very interesting, I guess I am lucky because seriously all I have to do is look at my husband and its go time! I do wish I could wink correctly because that would be better, and I am considering boobs in a box, that would be very very funny. I for one will NOT be joining any world without Andy social networks…

  10. Stephanie K. says:

    Lmao!!! Oh geez…these are amazing!!! Love them! Thanks for the tips ;-P

  11. Desiree says:

    I will NEVER forget the picture on #26. I’m still laughing.

  12. Andy. You’re hilarious. A world without you would suck. (and I don’t mean in a good way).

    For the record, I’ve never had #26 fail. So either I’m really good at it, or men are just easy. I’d like to take the credit but I’ve always strongly suspected it’s the latter.

  13. BoB Brown says:

    I/WE thought nudge was making love!

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