How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Bad Product Idea #8: Kid Freshener


Kid Freshener Freshness Necklace

Babies smell like fairies and edible flowers. Show me the person who figures out how to bottle the magical spell of baby-scent and I’ll show you someone who will soon be rich enough to buy an island, just to store fan mail. It’s like your nose died and went to heaven.

Unfortunately, just like a scratch-and-sniff sticker, the sweet scent fades away over time, and ultimately you’re left with a sweaty, dirty smelling funk. Kid stink. And ultimately teen reek. They’re grubby little ones. The sophistication and classines of proper hygiene tends to leave them flatly unexcited.

There is hope. Kid Freshener! All parents can benefit from an all natural, scent improvement solution that isn’t derived from the usual chemicals used in insanely toxic perfumes or plugin fragrance bombs and candles. Imagine your ten-year-old smelling like bacon. Okay, stop drooling, and now imagine what unicorn breath* must smell like. Right? You wanna rush out and buy a case simply to find out! And for those parents that love seeing their child grow up but have part of their heart broken because they’re not babies anymore, there’s Newborn Smell! Recapture the magic and cover up the funk. Double rainbow! All the way.

I know that you’re probably thinking, “Hey. Just give ’em a bath regularly.” Hmmmmm… F##K YOU!!! Uh. Did I just write that out loud? Whoops! I think I’m developing Tourette’s, or my kids gave it to me or something. Ha ha! You see, no one who has raised kids uses the word “just” (a word which says no big deal) anywhere near the words “give ’em a bath regularly.” Okay. Maybe there are some parents out there that birth merbabies, and they just loved to splish splash all day long, but for the vast majority of the rest of us, unlucky enough to NOT have aquatic marvels for children, it can be rough from time to time! Add to this the fact that kids have a tendency to get into astonishingly foul smelling things and circumstances without a care in the world or nostril, and you have an occasionally foul smelling kid.

For those days, there’s Kid Freshener.

* No unicorns are harmed in the formulation and manufacturing of the Kid Freshener Unicorn Breath scent improvement necklace.

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37 Responses to “Bad Product Idea #8: Kid Freshener”

  1. Monica says:

    Just a thought, but would the cut grass really help the smell of sweat and dirt?? This is clearly a horrible, horrible idea and Funny as Hell. How in the world do you come up with these ideas? They make me laugh and they make you pause and go “What the heck?!?!” Kudos to you!

  2. Braindonkey says:

    bacon makes EVERYTHING better.

    personally, i would rather unicorn farts, instead of unicorn breath.
    The fart rainbows.

  3. Emily says:

    I guess I’m pretty lucky in that my boys (ages 8, 6 and 2) love to take a bath. My 8 year old has recently gotten into showering. He’s stayed in so long before that he used all the hot water a few times, and my 6 year old will sit in the tub and play until the water has gone ice cold. I hope they continue on like this through their teenage years!!

    • Andy says:

      Look for gills, you’ve got merfolk for kids.

    • Mark says:

      Give it time, my son (now 17) loved taking baths until he turned about 13. Now it seems he has this natural water repellant, dirt attracting, and stench inducing quality. When you have to roll the windows down in the car in sub-zero temperatures because of the stench, that’s when you know it’s bad. He uses the summertime excuse of “I don’t need to shower because I just got out of the pool”. The boy must be allergic to deodorant or something. Before I get comments on how I should do more, I only get him every other weekend. His mother claims he showers on a routine basis, but my nose says otherwise.

  4. Leanne says:

    It’s spelled Tourette’s… lol though the thought of your kid giving you turrets is kinda funny too!

  5. As an expert in dirty little boy feet, I must compliment you on your artwork. They are perfect, if medium-low on the dirty feet scale.

  6. MotherDuck says:

    Amen…must order the Unicorn Breathe versions immediately, if not sooner!

  7. Lady Rogue says:

    During the day I work at a zoo. (During the evening I bring justice with my kung-fu skills, but that is another story.) When we have 600 kids up in the joint… tell you what; this is a GREAT idea. Sometimes it smells like feet, juicy juice, feet, Goldfish crackers, feet and peanut butter. And sometimes you get slapped in the face by fabric softener because Mom decided to HOOK IT UP when she did the laundry.

    • Andy says:

      LOLOLOLOL! It makes eyes water and my nose sting when parents go nuclear on the fabric softener or detergent. I’d rather small kid stink. Even when it’s advanced to the ripe, bum urine tang.

  8. Renae says:

    Hahaha! Children who hate baths are impossible to bath! Children who love baths splash so much there is more water on the floor than the tub at the end, creating more work!

  9. Isaac says:

    Unicorn bacon breath. How sweet that would be… Mmmm unicorn bacon.

  10. Anything that smells like bacon is ok in my books. Bacon scented speeding ticket? Please sir, can I have another?

  11. Evonne says:

    I wouldn’t mind if my kids just smelt like soap. That way I could lull myself into the false notion that they actually washed themselves when they last took a shower ;oP

  12. Christina says:

    I know about the kid smell! It always confused me until I started having kids. Now my son has hit the metallic smell of dirt and sweat stage and I still dislike it! Unfortunately for this kid, his newborn smell wasn’t all that great either…he was born with bad breath and stinky feet…

    But what’s with Teenage funk? Maybe when they first hit puberty and they haven’t started to notice that their up and coming BO offends every nose they pass, but after that they wear more cologne than a sample paper. Or is that the point?

    • Andy says:

      It’s puberty. Cody is awful and like to share his rank teen funk with me when its at its worst and grossing even him out. (sigh) As in “I was just holding my breath for a really long time” kind of sigh.

  13. Maura says:

    Oooh, Unicorn Breath! What does that smell like? I think cupcakes and glitter. With a little ozone thrown in (because of MAGIC. Magic smells like ozone.).

  14. MIke says:

    I used to wash my kids… but not anymore! Thanks Kid Freshener!

  15. Myranda says:

    I think I’ll need this product in bulk when I start teaching! I’m majoring in Early Childhood Education and I’ve spent time in many classrooms…let’s just say there’s nothing like the smell of 20+ sweaty first graders who have just come in from recess! 0_o

  16. Danielle says:

    I don’t know about y’all, but when I think of the smell of kids, it is usually a combination of sweat, dirt and peanut butter.

    • Andy says:

      Sounds accurate. Maybe with a salty tinge of play-doh, but that’s kind of redundant since play-doh kinda smells like sweat, dirt and peanut butter. 😉

  17. Annie says:

    My teenage son stays clean. It takes a bar of soap for every shower.

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