How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

When your kid discovers you… uhhh

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Saw mom and dad wrestling, dad was winning

When you’re making love it’s like you’re soaring through the sky on the wings of passion. But when your little one opens the door on your passionate flight, in about .00372 seconds, it’s like all the air has been sucked out of the room and you’ve made an emergency nosedive into a solid glacier. If you thought your heart was racing before… yeah. This one will take a few months off your life whether or not they barge in crying or demanding an explanation of what daddy is doing to mommy.

The sound of your startled voice and heavy breathing won’t seem very believable when answering the question “Mommy okay?” but you have to answer. You know that pulling the covers over your wild hair and blushing faces, to wait for the worried/curious child to just wander away, is not an option. Dammit! You could have sworn the little one was out like a light! Deep breath…

“Oh hey, it’s okay. We were just… wrestling.” It comes out much shakier than you wanted it to sound, but you got it out. So you snag whatever article of clothing is nearest to hand so you can give a reassuring hug in something more than your birthday suit and see them off to bed again.

For some parents, when this happens, all flights might be cancelled until airport security is improved. So, safe… “flying,” everyone!

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You won’t have a heart attack if your kids barge in on you.

Instructional Diagrams
You may poop in your pants. You’ve been warned.
 

86 Comments

86 Responses to “When your kid discovers you… uhhh”

  1. ZoE says:

    LOL!
    In my home we lock the door, and move the night stand up against the door….and for the record, Mommy is usually the one “winning” :-D

  2. the muskrat says:

    This is why we drug our children every night.

  3. Big Dan says:

    Thank God my kids still sleep in a crib and have no interest in climbing out. I’m dreading this moment like the plague!

  4. Monica says:

    So my son is about to be 15 months and doesn’t try to climb out of his crib yet, but I am terrified of this happening. I better start getting my security up to date and quick.

    • Andy says:

      It doesn’t take much precautionary setups. Don’t worry about the bottles of shampoo that your little may have. Actually… DO worry about your toddler being in possession of a bottle of shampoo.

      It is hell on earth to clean up an up-ended hair product no matter what it’s dumped on.

  5. Laurie says:

    Good lord, I would really like to keep thinking that things like this DON’T really happen…Awful!

  6. I’m not above lying to my kids, especially when I’m below the wife.

    • Andy says:

      I just got a scene in my mind some couple doing the opposite, taking a break from gyrating lustily and turning to their little one and launching into a very clinical, if breathy, explanation of sex and its role in a relationship and the rearing of children. Creeeeeeeepy. Lies. Go with it.

  7. Brian says:

    The weird thing is to think this has been happening all through history. I wonder how ancient Egyptians handled this, or cavemen?

  8. Erich says:

    So far this hasn’t been an issue. When my kids are asleep they are dead to everything. We can vacuum, do laundry, whatever and not a peep will come from them.

  9. Braindonkey says:

    Perfect meme pic use IMO. I actually feel kind of short changed that we haven’t been caught… We are self employed and home based offices, so we have lots of opertunity with no risk. Not that we take that opertunity nearly as often as I would like…

    Not sure what I would say. I actually lean towards honest. But I think I would need to take a Xanax after.

  10. Sarah says:

    My daughter was about 3 when she wandered out of her room. I don’t know what she saw or heard but we didn’t even know she was awake until I heard her door close. For months afterwards, she wouldn’t go near our door because a “monster” lived in there.

  11. Lady Rogue says:

    Um; just a suggestion… Lock the freaking door!

    Although I will say I heard a story where the kid yelled at dad and said “Stop hurting Mommy!!!!”

    Hilarity!

    • Andy says:

      You see, I know you don’t have kids, not just because I know you in real life, but because of your comment. When you’ve got little miniature, helpless version of you and your spouse, locking the door… doesn’t feel like an option. ;) Ha ha! Glad you dug it!

  12. Stephanie K. says:

    Yeah, we keep the door locked and baby monitor ON. that way we can hear if one of them wakes up!!!!

  13. brodgers says:

    I do it from behind, this way if we get caught I can always tell the kids, “Mommy chocked on a chicken nugget and Daddy was giving the heimlich.”

  14. buffi says:

    Oh, it’s even better when they walk in when they are like, um, EIGHT. Fortunately, we weren’t that far into things. I only had to answer my daughter’s query of “Mommy, why are you wearing that?” (It was a lacy red nightgown, fairly modest, to be honest.)

  15. Hoping we have a couple more years until this happens… don’t even want to think about it until then.

  16. Fortunately the Little Dude would have to be able to climb out of his crib and open two doors to gain access to the Wrestling Room. And he hasn’t even attempted the first step yet, so we’re good.

  17. Bullgrit says:

    Use Vaseline for sex. It keeps the kids from being able to open the door.

  18. It’s all fun and games until mommy’s turning the daddy’s hose off with her mouth.

    That’s when you get a double lock on the bedroom door.

    • Snick says:

      We always choose to put the baby knob on the door until we hear it spinning furiously, then “Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! Daddy, open this door!!! What’s wrong with mommy? Did she see a bug?” Daddy (completely flaccid by now) “No, it’s okay. Mommy just had another nightmare. She dreamt that she was all alone again.” OMG, I dry up just thinking about it.

    • jolene says:

      OMG That happened to my sister with our parents! SoSO glad it was not me! But she also (as a mother)had a uhmm…mommy winning video accidentally play on a big screen during her three year old birthday party. She ran into her room and sobbed – the kids where all outside, it was just me our other sister our mother her in-laws his grandparents and Uncle. I told her I didn’t think anyone really saw it before she turned it off. Sometimes we need a good lie to carry on.

    • Andy says:

      Wow. Turning off the daddy hose with her mouth. I’m going to ask Lizzie to help me with this, using those words. Wish me luck! Ha ha ha ha!

  19. Just wait until they are teenagers, and you thought they were out for the night and decided to take flight in the family room, and that kid walks in with all his buddies. Oh and “Daddy was looking for some m&m’s that mommy dropped, was a great cover when mom was winning. Anything to distract. Kids are so easy to distract. Keep M&M’s in the nightstand just in case.

  20. Lady Rogue says:

    Pick your poison. Locked door or scars on your soul. Choose. Choose wisely.

  21. jolene says:

    When I was about 5 I walking and well I guess my mom was winning. I wanted to play (story time in my parents bed a norm) I don’t remember my dad saying or doing anything. My Mom said he was in trouble because he wet the bed and I needed to go back to my bed. I felt so bad for daddy and thought he was embarrassed because he had wet the bed. Looking back I think she might have lied. Growing up we did learn to stay away from my parents room if the door is locked. Come to think of it, after one encounter when my oldest was small all four have learned to stay away from our room. (the oldest is twenty now)Some things are just better not talked about. ;)

  22. Christina says:

    This hasn’t happened to us yet, but I had a pretty rotten response to catching my parents in the act – in the closet… Complete from knowing i would grow hair “down there” (none of my friends believed me when I told them THAT) to drawing pictures of why daddy always takes mommy’s side even when she’s obviously wrong.

    Wow…learned that one at a young age.

    I’ve heard of a parent telling their kid he was just “tickling” mommy. “Oh! Can I tickle her to?”

    • Andy says:

      Oh my god! Ha ha ha ha! I recall the HOLY CRAP moment about parental pubic hair. The “tickle” bit? That would have frozen my brain. Uh! Uhhh! Uh!

  23. Savanna says:

    Best ever, mommy and daddy wrestling, while my niece and my daughter were having a sleepover (and our neighbors were having a party) we were at point of ?OH? when the door burst open (both kids in full eye range of the down south states) and hubby tried to climb the curtins and hide behind them, then getting a charlie horse in his foot and screaming like a girl, “AAAHHHHHH, NNNOOOO OOOUUUTTTTT, AAAAAHHHHH!” Couldn’t stop laughing, yup, we had some explaining to do both the neighbors next door and my sis.

  24. Amanda says:

    My little girl did the surprise bombing run on me and said, “I am very sneaky.”. I had no idea how long she was there at the door but thank goodness we had blankets on that time. Gees… Where is a tranquilizing gun and memory eraser when you need it?

    • Andy says:

      Holy ninja crap! Ha ha! Tranq gun and Men In Black style neuralizer should be issued to parents at the hospital or in a midwife’s homebirth kits.

  25. Carrie says:

    My daughter walked in on us when she was about 4, using her stealth mode. We had no idea she was even there until the next night while we were having dinner with my parents. During a lull until conversation she pipes up “Daddy was jumping on the bed naked last night”. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even open my mouth to change the subject before my mom not so innocently asked what mommy was doing while he was jumping on the bed. Her response, “she was doing this” and she proceeded to close her eyes and make moaning sounds. I believe a part of me died from embarrassment that night.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha! At least her description upon recounting it the next morning was flattering. Should could have something like “twitching” or “squirming” instead of “jumping.” Ha ha! Sounds kind of epic actually. Oooooooo! What your mom said was so naughty!!! Ha ha ha!

  26. Alexandre says:

    Not a father, yet.

    But I don’t know why the principle of love making isn’t explained at the onset. Like its dangerous, or something.

    « Daddy and mommy were making love. »

    I guess it’s probably because I’m French.

    Taboo americans, heh!

    • Andy says:

      I think it’s got more to do with the unending barrage of questions that follow. Like “How?” and “Why?” and “How can it fit in there?” and “What does sperm look like?” “Is it poisonous?” “Can you eat it?” Ha ha! I personally love this kind of conversation, but I can’t say I’m a representative of the average American.

  27. Sandy says:

    She’s not walked in on us, but she has good ears. We were interupted mid.. ahem.. by “Mommy! Mommy! I heard a strange sound!” I get to her room bathrobed and breathless, and she describes the sound by kicking her legs against her bed. I told her it was probably squirrels running across the roof. Squirrels running across the roof is our new euphemism.

  28. Evonne says:

    LOL! fortunately when our eldest has come into the room we’ve both been covered – he’s the kind of kid you can buy his birthday present right in front of (somewhat sneakily) and he is none the wiser, so no questions or wide eyes yet…not that this has happened too often. Nor will we allow it!

    mentioned this article to hubby and he suggested that if if we ever needed to explain ourselves that he would just be helping mummy do some stretches… What the?!?!?! Now I love this man dearly (despite his flaws), so when I got done laughing I explained why that wasn’t such a good idea!

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! Amazing. Your boy (to the school gym instructor): “Can anyone get pregnant by doing this, coach?” Ha ha ha ha!

  29. LisaW says:

    Well, the hubs and I have had some very close calls, but thankfully our timber floors make some noise, so we can usually hear them walking up the hallway. When we built our house, we made sure that our bedroom was at the front of the house, and the kids rooms were way down the back…all because I used to share a common wall between my bedroom and my parents, who could be quite vocal at times….shudder!! There is no way I wanted to put my children through that! lol. It got worse as a teenager because then I could here my sister and her boyfriend at the time too. There is no pillow thick enough to drown out that noise!!! My father actually went in there once and told her to shut up. I think I need therapy.

    • Andy says:

      LOL! We’ve got an old place with wood that gives away approaching feet, BUT this can backfire too. When we’re … doing our thing, and some shift of the old place sounds off, we freeze and then proceed to listen really really hard at absolutely nothing coming our way. Doesn’t exactly stoke the fires of passion. ;)

  30. […] blog How to be a dad ha pubblicato questo esilarante racconto su una delle situazioni di panico più temute da un […]

  31. CobyLyn says:

    umm.. yeah.. this brought back memories … of when the 4 of us, 12, 11, 10 and 8 heard mom ‘screaming blood murder’ in the middle of the night and we all ran crying to the (locked) bedroom door and started bashing on it, screaming ‘Daddy Daddy? Are you killing Mommy?’ Dad said through the door ‘Mommy just had a bad dream’ :o/

  32. Cheryl says:

    We haven’t been busted in the 6 years since we’ve become parents *knocks on wood*, but I walked in on my parents when I was little. Apparently, mom was winning, because in my little 3-year-old squeaky voice I asked (with much enthusiasm) “Can I ride the horsey too?”

  33. Mike says:

    I’ve got 3 kids, 5 years, 4 years, and 9 months, and this has never once happened. It’s called a lock.

  34. Mariah says:

    My 6 year old just said, “Ok.” Then pulled up the blankets and crawled in bed with us. I thought we were going to die laughing. Luckily he was too sleepy to notice we were naked.

  35. Lynann says:

    We personally haven’t been busted, but a friend of mine told me her and her husband were caught doing “naked push-ups”. I did see my parents once, when I was probably around twelve. I have NO idea why their bedroom door was open, but I saw my naked dad on top of my mom, knew what was happening and ran to hide in the living room. My mom heard me and was freaked out, Dad assured her it was nothing but got up and shut the doors (They had two doors to their room). I was terrified they’d catch me, I did NOT want to have a conversation about it!!! I had to sneak back to my room and pretend to sleep. Seriously, what were they thinking?!? Their door was directly across from mine!

  36. Mich says:

    My mother-in-law came home early with the kids. She was trying not to laugh too hard (and was quite apologetic) when she realised what our son had walked in on. He’s breastfed, so first question on seeing me “Leche?” “No no, just give me minute” “Are those your breasts?” “Yes… give me a minute” as I try to find my clothes “Are these your clothes?” “Yes, just a minute – go wait in the living room (for the love of all things holy!!!!) “Leche???” “Argh!!!”
    Luckily he was totally unconcerned with anything other than me nursing him right-now-please.

  37. Aaron says:

    We still co-sleep with our 2yo, so we do it very quietly and very gently.
    A couple of times he’s woken up before the mission is accomplished, but so far no embarrassment… just frustration.

  38. Liza Hippler says:

    Love the article, but the comments…now there’s some good stuff.

  39. You know the old joke about married sex, right? It has three stages: first, you f— anywhere you want; then, you f— only in the bedroom; and then, you pass each other in the hall and say, “f— you”. We’re mostly in the middle stage and I’m aiming to avoid the third stage entirely.

    It is rather de-stimulating to worry about children stumbling upon you and your spouse while in the throes of, um, intense companionship. This is why (a) we have a lock on the bedroom door, and (b) why the den, which doesn’t have a lock, is still located a long, creaky flights of stairs away from the kid’s bedrooms. The days of doing it in the kitchen or other spontaneous locations are a few years past, but sometimes those noisy stairs are an important security device.

    My 9-year-old knows about sex, and knows we have it (he asked and I was honest), and he’s utterly disgusted by the whole concept (for now). I suspect the 5-year-old would just find the whole thing hysterical.

  40. Carolyn West says:

    It’s not so great either when you lock the door and the kids start banging on it and yell out, “What are you doing in there?” And then… they figure it out and bang on the door just to piss you off.

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