How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 2 of 5)

Posted by on March 19th, 2012, under NOTEBOOK

50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover Part 2


 
WARNING: The suggestions in this series are not recommended for couples with any special medical conditions or for anyone without a sense of humor. Please also note that if you try any of these, in addition to encouraging sex, it may also result in the end of your relationship, marriage or life.


Here we go again, boys and girls. Round 2! Completely unqualified love tips to let your lover know it’s go time. As in “sex” go. Not “departing to some other location” go. Yeah, you probably didn’t need that explanation.

And now for the second set! 11-20:

Music Romance Sex
 

#11 The Power of Song

What you want to say with words, others have said in song. Get your music player ready, find her and embrace her as if to whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Then slip an earbud into her ear. Whole Lotta Love. Let’s Get It On. Pour Some Sugar On Me. I Want Your Sex. It doesn’t matter what kind of music she’s into, every genre has a tune about making sweet music with your bodies. Even Classical probably has a symphony or two set around some story of horny Gods or mythological creatures humping vigorously in the woods.
 

Lovers Lane Lookout Point
 

#12 Lookout Point

Get lost while driving and “accidentally” wind up on lovers lane, or some scenic overview of the city night. Heck! Run out of gas. It’s easy these days with gas prices looking more like swear words written in number form. Remember though, this tactic is for lovers and spouses that have been together a while. Trying this one too early just makes your passenger look in the back seat for bottles of lotion and an axe.
 

Sex Sign Language
 

#13 Sign Language

Maybe there are others within earshot, or there’s a sleeping kid nearby, or you once dreamt of being some sort of naughty mime, whatever, you just don’t want to say it out loud. A silent gesture is all that’s needed to let her know it’s time to… make the finger go in and out of the OK sign. Or at least that you really want it to be. (This also means “You are so beautiful!” in Guy Sign Language)
 

Wild Kingdom Sex Mating Courting
 

#14 Wild Kingdom

Sex is part of Nature. Rent or download a nature documentary and, while watching it together, subtly mimic the behavior of the critters whose courtship and mating habits are unfolding before your eyes. If she hasn’t run away and still hasn’t gotten the message, cut to the chase and just start humping her leg. (Women nudging men can try this too, you’d be surprised at how effective it might be.)
 

Naked Captain Morgan Pose
 

#15 Naked Captain Morgan

One of our readers (Christina) suggested this swashbuckling move. Though this one is less about the buckling and more about the swash. Strip down naked and strike the commanding Captain Morgan pose, placing your foot on her knee as if it were a barrel. Arrr, matey! Hopefully you wind up with pirate’s booty, but remember, you may walk the plank.
 

Keeping Up with the Jonese
 

#16 Keeping Up with the Joneses

Tell her that you were talking to a neighbor or a friend at work or wherever, you’ll be lying so it doesn’t matter. Explain that he said that they were having sex X times a month. (X being an amount five times greater than the sex you two are having.) Might stir up some competitiveness. But lying is bad for a relationship, so you can laugh and let her in on the “joke” with a light punch in the arm.
 

The Royal Treatment Romance
 

#17 The Royal Treatment

Being mind-bendingly burnt out is one of sex’s greatest enemies. How about arranging a day at the spa for her to have it all scrubbed and rubbed away? Tell them to go crazy with lava rocks, cucumber wedges everywhere, even have them release a white dove. Follow it up with take-out from a restaurant of her choice and eat it on plates so disposable they throw themselves out. It’s not that you aren’t busting your ass too. It’s that you want sex really badly.
 

Siri Sexi
 

#18 Sexi for iPhone

You’re going to need some mad hacker skillz for this one, or the suitable alternative: a friend who has them. Slip away with her iPhone, if she doesn’t have one, get her one, okay! Do you want sex or not!?!
(boop-boop) Wife: “Where is the nearest grocery store?”
Siri: “I think you need some sweet lovin’ from your sexy love machine first.”
Your wish is its command.
 

Play Barry White so you can get enough of her love, babe
 

#19 Barry White Strikes Back

Yep.

Again. Barry White.

Trust me!

Barry White.
 

Sex Demands
 

#20 Ransom

Notes can be really romantic, but this is about adult sexual desire and perhaps desperation, not some kiddy classroom crush! What’s the nuclear bomb of notes? A ransom note. So kidnap something precious, like a mobile phone, a favorite pair of shoes or a Facebook account, and make your demands clear. Sex! Now! (Make sure to include the condition that they’re not to call the cops.)
 

I write these from a man’s view because it’s just easier for me and the whole he/she writing device sucks. Plus, my wife would probably be a little weirded out by me writing about Captain Morgan getting her deck swabbed or something. But! As stated before, these can all be applied in reverse, gender-wise. Woman to man. We men sometimes need some encouragement, too. And we very often need our toenails properly tended to by spa professionals.

-Andy

Since the first “50 Ways…” post, Andy has been referred to as the “love doctor” but please be advised that he has received no formal training in either the subject of love or of being a doctor.

Facebook Is Kinda Sexy
It’s like texting and a blog put Barry White on and let nature take its digital course.

Instructional Diagrams
These won’t make anyone want to have sex, unless laughter is foreplay in your culture.
 

47 Comments

47 Responses to “50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 2 of 5)”

  1. Linda says:

    Ahahahaha. Part two really captures my life- Number 11 n 13 work amazingly! Number 16 on the other hand.. Pure magic. Literaly gets him to take me to another level.

    Gotta try the Ransom Note on Hubby tho. Simply Awesome!

  2. Liesbet says:

    Hahaha number 14 had me thinking about the weird mating dances of certain birds, and I can imagine my boyfriend doing these vividly… I don’t think there will be much sex though, I’ll be laughing too hard…

  3. Laurie says:

    AHHHHHH!! My husband totally stole my toothbrush last night ala #20!

  4. Jen says:

    We like Lovage’s Stroker Ace to do the sexy groove to. In our experience that whole album,”Music to make love to your old lady by,” is really all good to set the mood!
    Of course we never underestimate the power of Barry White. I will have to subtly suggest the Captain Morgan to my hubby ;D Thanks for the ideas!

    • Andy says:

      I will have to unleash this album on Lizzie, when she’s least expecting it and when she’s wear clothes she won’t mind being torn from her body. ;)

  5. Claudia says:

    #11 ALWAYS works for me. Always.
    It doesn’t even have to be a sexually related song. It works best if it’s a mushy love song /sap.

  6. Ahh sexting… I couldn’t imagine sitting cubicle all day without it :P

  7. Braindonkey says:

    Naked captain Morgan.
    Of course my iPad just tried to typo it as Naked Captain Organ. Lol

    That would go over, ZERO in my house.

    • Andy says:

      I’m not a pro programmer but zero is good. You see it’s all to do with binary. You just need to put your 1 in her 0. Ha ha ha ha ha! LAMOJ! (laughing at my own joke)

  8. ZoE says:

    Ooooooh #20 sounds très kinky! Brb…. going to look for the handcuffs and some rope! lol

  9. phill says:

    Ensuring she has quiet, alone time in a clean house/room goes a long way towards rebooting the sex drive. Nothing is less sexy than a sink full of dirty dishes and a bedroom full of half-finished laundry.

  10. Big Dan says:

    The little crap always works for me. I went on a six-day guys only snowboard trip and came home with a bag of clean laundry (did it all the night before I flew home). I was like a God to her after that!

  11. MotherDuck says:

    Naked Captain Morgan….Ha ha ha ha

  12. MotherDuck says:

    I had to share this…I got to have a rare brunch with a friend on Sunday and as I was driving home Icalled my husband to check in. He said, “I made breakfast for the girls, I’m sewing Lily’s dress for big event tonight, I’ve cleaned up and now I’m going to douche my vagina.” I laughed so hard I nearly drove off the road. The reason why I’m posting it here is because he got some for handling all of that for me, despite his imaginary girl parts.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I want to make a meme out of that. I’ll catch heat for it, but it is f##king genius and I nearly drove off the road reading it AND I’M IN MY OFFICE!!! Yes, it’s THAT hilarious!

  13. Oh my goodness! You guys really messed me up with this one. Captain Morgan…….just the thought had me in tears of merry mirth.

    Mr. White. You just can’t go wrong with that one.

    I might add : A good bottle of wine. Red.

  14. Christina says:

    Totally awesome. My husband frequently gets his nails done. But not by a professional! Courtesy of the wife. But he has learned to be nice about it…cuz if not, he gets pretty in pink toenail polish!

  15. Karen H. says:

    “…gas prices looking more like swear words written in number form.” You crack me up! But seriously, this is why there are readers and there are writers. Writers say it better than us readers ;-) Thanks!

  16. Kelly says:

    You can get your lover-nudging slogans on wine bottle sleeves, give to your spouse… and hope for the best!
    http://www.etsy.com/shop/SlurredLogic
    I’m serious, these are friggin awesome.
    P.S. I LOVE YOUR BLOG, holy crap, I pretty much always *almost pee* while reading it, which is dangerous and wrong especially while at work. :)

    • Andy says:

      Look at that. You just made me feel like a rockstar. BLAM! Thanks. ;)

      P.S. Sorry about the involuntary urination. Except by “sorry” I actually mean “YAY!” Ha ha!

  17. Kelly says:

    I especially recommend “Pairs Well with My Balls” wine

  18. Nicole says:

    Totally doing the ransom note NOW!! I leave my husband notes in his lunch pail everyday, but they are usually just simple ” I love you ” and ” I hope your welds pass xray tonight”… But a ransom note could possibly get my husband in the sack! Your awesome!

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! YEEEESSSS!!! Do it!

      If I’m awesome, then I think we’re on the same bus together. The Awesome Bus, next stop Rad Street.

      • Nicole says:

        It worked! He is still talking about it :) we’ve only been married 6 months but because of his job personal time with him is slim to none… Ransom note = wild samswanch sex :)

  19. Theresa says:

    My toddler son has bath crayons, so I started this game where I would write naughty messages on the shower wall in crayon (too high for my son to see even if he could read..so my unobservant hubby would know it was for him). Well, it worked and he would write something back, but one day all I could find was the red crayon to write “I want you” while in the shower…that evening my husband texted me a picture of the message (dripping color because of the water) with the message “are you an axe murderer?!”

  20. Jill says:

    So…it’s too hard to just take out the trash or do the dishes or something?

  21. kmac says:

    Usually a soak at the hot springs or massage by a professional does it for me. Also a clean house and dinner made with a possible cocktail waiting for me occasionally will get my motor humming.

    Or if I want some I usually approach him while he’s towelling off from a shower.

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