How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Skid Marks: When to Wash ‘Em, When to Toss ‘Em

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Skid Marks Chart When to Wash Em When to Toss Em

…it happens. It’s a fact of life. I wish we could say this chart was only for parents doing mountains of their kid’s or teen’s laundry, but we have to admit it… this chart is for everyone. Younger and older, male and female. It’s true. …it happens. And not just to little kids’ tighty-whities after an atomic wedgy. It’s not just about g-strings, either. Because even parachute-pant-style boxers are not safe.

Anyone who does laundry has been confronted with one level or another on this Skid Marks chart, and may have had to ask themselves: wash it or toss it?

With this handy-dandy Instructional Diagram, we hope people doing a skid mark evaluation can spend less time turning a pair of soiled underwear around in their hands, and come to a swifter more certain decision. We also hope to prevent them from coming to the wrong overly-optimistic choice, and contaminating an entire wash-load of clothes. You’re welcome.

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108 Comments

108 Responses to “Skid Marks: When to Wash ‘Em, When to Toss ‘Em”

  1. Brad Jenkins says:

    Want help committing the perfect crime? Buy dark colored britches to help in the concealment of minor accidents. Don’t blame me, however, if you are busted for aiding and abetting. Also, if you make it to the level of the unsolved crime even dark drawers can’t help you. Burn all immediately, hose off, and seek professional help.

    • Andy says:

      DAMMIT! I forgot the “seek medical attention” gag! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, on the dark britches bit, I’ll bowl you one better with this pic. Cuz even heroes get skid marks.

  2. Christina says:

    I hate it when the Unsolved Crime happens to me…

    • Erich says:

      My son is BAD about these.

      • Lacey S says:

        The Unsolved Crime happened to my friend’s daughter, aided by the Bumpo she was sitting it. Those little foam chairs just *makes eloguent hand gestures because she honestly can’t think of a polite way to describe the fluid dynamics*. We went to pick her up and quickly put her back down. I saw her mom later holding the hose and her gorgeous sun-dress… and then decided to just bag it and burn it :P

        • Jessi says:

          HAHAHAHAHAHAA!
          My friend and I were discussing how with baby #2 you don’t even try to wash the up-the-back poops. Just peel that onesie off and throw it out!

  3. H* says:

    This is hilarious!

  4. Funny stuff guys. The whole tight whitey motify might unto itself can be disconcerting. That being said, if the skid marks are occuring too often, it’s time to for potty training intervention. Step 1, promise to replace tightey whities with a much cooler set of undergear, and Step 2, let the kid know that clean does not equal almost clean.

    Vincent | CuteMonster.com

  5. Anna says:

    Oh man…..I am so glad I have you guys to make me laugh!! I really needed this one today. Love you!!!

  6. Tad says:

    <> “You got to know when to when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to RUN / you never smell your undies, when you’re sittin’ at the table, there’ll be time enough for smellin’, when the laundry’s done.”

  7. Ashley says:

    Thank you for adding the banana for scale. Otherwise I would have just thought it was way over exaggerated.

  8. Stopped wearing white britches when I started dating my wife. We’re still together. Not a coincidence.

  9. mo says:

    lol the unsolved crime has only happened to my breastfeeding babes, and those were fixed by switching to cloth diapers, believe it or not. Made life a lot easier to not have to scrub poop out of shirts and onsies…oh and extra tip, sun bleaches out breastmilk poop stains. Seriously, wash, hang/set in sun and voila.

  10. Robyn says:

    I love the banana added for scale!!!

  11. Kelly says:

    I have a husband and 3 young boys. I have sadly become desensitized these horific crimes.

  12. MotherDuck says:

    Terrific! But I think that innocent banana may be the culprit. He’s involved in a lot of shenanigans on your blogs. I’m just saying.

    • Andy says:

      That banana is no longer innocent after the scientific experiments we’ve exposed it to. Okaaaaaay, I just reread that line and it’s starting to sound WAY different than what I intended! Let’s stick with “shenanigans,” I’m good with shenanigans. ;)

  13. You guys are so up to date with the goings on in my house. After bronchitis and weird unidentified virus, the medicines gave little sister some major frickin’ constipation. Suffice it to say we were doing LAX shots and spinach all week long. It worked. See where I’m going with this? We’re equal parts toss and wash….

  14. So women have period panties and men have poop briefs?

    Seems fair.

    • Alan says:

      Lol! Since you were bold enough to venture into the adult phase of the phenomena, I will offer a simple explanation on behalf of our gender. When young we can’t help it, we’re in training and sometimes lazy.
      When we get older, we’re still lazy, but it’s just not that easy when you have a furry behind! Imagine what it would be like cleaning peanut butter off of the back of your head with a dry paper towel… see what I mean?
      Now if you are an adult male who happens to be hairless and it still occurs? You have no excuse… or should possibly see your doctor.

      • Andy says:

        I am so grossed out, in hysterical laughter and proud of you for writing what you have written, Alan. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

      • Zane says:

        I’m not going to lie to you – since our baby arrived six months ago I’ve resorted to wet wipes to help deal with this adult male phenomenon. Only needed it once, but boy it made all the difference. Dads never underestimate the power of wet wipes, we all have them around the house, don’t be afraid to use them.

      • Paul says:

        OMG!! You so totally nailed it! That peanut-butter-in-the-hair analogy! Brilliant! Too true!

  15. The Mister went through a phase where he would cut onsies off of the baby because he couldn’t figure out how to get them off without spreading the yuck even further. Your last one looks like scissors were needed as well…

  16. Laurie says:

    I want to comment because I said I would work on that, but really I have no comment!

  17. Laura says:

    I am laughing so hard I am crying, and I can’t even laugh out loud because my husband is sleeping on the other side of the room. This. is. awesome. Holy crap! (pun totally intended)

    • Andy says:

      I am an addict. what am I addicted to? I’m addicted to making people wake up their babies and spouses. Thank you! I needed a fix. ;)

      (Never done a drug in my life, so I make that jest with a clean conscious and and clean mind.) ;)

  18. Lady Rogue says:

    I’m so glad you added the banana for scale. It really helps put it all into perspective. Whew! Thanks team!

  19. eriol78 says:

    I think that this was the reason black underware were invented.

  20. Monica says:

    I want to hang this up over my washer and dryer. Love it!

  21. Heather B says:

    I’ve got to stop reading this blog at work… ;)

    • Andy says:

      Noooooooooo! You just need to be smart about reading our blog at work:

      1) Don’t attempt to drink any fluid while on the website. Consequences could be undesirable and damage your keyboard.

      2) Put two entire packs of gum in your mouth to muffle any sudden, office-filling laughter.

      3) Make sure you don’t have a “ready” bladder, in case you get what I like to call a “peepee squirt,” brought on by the pressure of suppressed laughter.

      ;)

  22. kim says:

    i think i just almost woke my son up because i was laughing so hard. this is fantastic on so many levels!

  23. Christina Kates says:

    Oh my. Spot on. My son is basically finished potty training. Basically meaning he doesn’t poop in his pants anymore but still has NO clue how to wipe without coming to me without poopy monster hands. And bless him he gets so excited and runs to me every time “mommy, I poopy’d potty!” which would be adorable except I’m too busy evading him and his poo hands. How does he get it UNDER his nails??? I’m beginning to wonder if he just throws the toilet paper in the potty like a wishing well and then hopes for the best with his hand.

    • Andy says:

      Ohmygod! I didn’t experience that with Cody and Max, but something tells me I most definitely am going to experience it with Lucas. What’s the opposite of “looking forward to something”? ;)

    • Lacey S says:

      I lost it at “throws the toilet paper in the potty like a wishing well” I couldn’t even type this without losing it again and trying to muffle it so my coworkers don’t come over to see what the joke is. This one is MINE!!

      (and soon it will be. We’ve done poop in the potty but so far I’ve been wiping. Sooner or later it will be his turn, and he knows that paper goes in the potty… we’ll see if he can make the “behind first” connection or not…)

    • Christine Heather Taylor says:

      I Was Giggling But This Comment Sent Me Over The Edge! Thank God It’s Not Bedtime Yet….roflmbo

  24. Hans Eich says:

    “Banana added for scale” that really cracked me up.

  25. Evonne says:

    Deal with this on a somewhat regular basis with Mr 9 who should know better but genuinely can’t see the point in wiping. I tell myself its the ASD he has but that doesn’t really do much for the stress levels… Sooooo enjoyed being able to laugh long and hard about it all…thank you!!!! am tempted to print out and stick on laundry wall too only that I’d have to explain it to him then and I’d rather not try to ;)

    ps – love the banana for scale too!

  26. Anna says:

    This is your most hilarious post so far! I even saved it for my husband to see when he gets home. I do the laundry, so… Tee hee.

    And oh, we’re posting this from the Philippines! You guys have got a lot of fans around here. :)

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! I’ve done some design work on projects that got translated into Tagalog, so I instantly got a visual of this Instructional Diagram done up that way! ;)

      That is soooooo rad to hear. Thanks so much, to all of you!

  27. Renae says:

    Thank you for Spicemance!!! It’s the best relationship advice I have ever recieved (well, the funniest anyways!)

  28. Naomi says:

    This is excellent. excellent = so funny I’ll probably wonder around this site in hopes of some humor the next time my four and a half year old daughter is screaming at me and hitting/kicking

    My ex would flush my daughter’s underwear down the toilet if she had an accident…he was so confused (he needed this chart for BOTH of their underwear).

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha! Yikes! I can only imagine the look of horror on the face of the plumber pulling kids underwear out of clogged bathroom pipes. ;)

      Enjoy the website!

  29. Eric says:

    I worked with a nurse who told me this story about her neighbor. The husband, yes the husband, was inconsistent on his behind wiping technique. The wife started throwing his underwear out due to the repulsion factor. Eventually, he ran low on drawers. He asks his wife, “Honey, do you know where my underwear is?” She replies, “You start wiping your butt and I’ll continue to wash it.”

  30. Hop-on-Pop says:

    Was cleaning up an Unsolved Crime scene the other day, only to discover the crime was still in progress. …. baby whipes did wonders for the wall and night stand

  31. Jon T says:

    haha this made my day!

  32. Jared A says:

    LOL… I was have a real sh*tty day (no pun intended) till I read this. Thank you this totally made my day lol…. (I literaly laughed out loud)

  33. Cecilia says:

    It happens here in China. :-D

  34. Shawn says:

    Underwear IS disposable!
    Of course, I never knew how much stain remover a little boy’s clothes needed. My wife was saint! (well, and is now, for real).

  35. Sam says:

    Brilliant!
    I’ve seen a few dad blogs lately as part of the process of creating my own and this is one of the better ones. Looks great and well……this just cracked me up.

  36. Gloria says:

    Thank you for making me laugh! This is hilarious. Stumbled across this as I was trying to find the “caption this” with the yoga breastfeeder (saw it on my phone

  37. Ataia says:

    This is, hands down, the best instructional diagram I have ever seen! I laughed for a solid 20 minutes! When I was done laughing, (not counting the aftershocks that continued for the next half hour) my cheeks hurt, my stomch hurt, my boyfreind was looking at me like I had lost my mind, but my headache was gone! Thanks!

  38. Ronke says:

    New fan here.

    Suppressed laughter at work… trying not to pee on self… why am I reading this at work?

    Oh lawd help me…

    No I dont do laundry… laundry is boo’s job… let him experience himself by himself!

  39. reptar says:

    Bola de cagones

  40. Steve A says:

    HAHA this is absolutely hilarious.

  41. Gazman02 says:

    This is great stuff, but you forgot the follow through. The reason why white undies should be banned.

  42. paok says:

    bolshy yarbles for all.

  43. Sheala says:

    Omg LMFAO! This couldn’t be any more true!

  44. michael says:

    wow. i love this diagram SO much. if anyone reading this has an amazing story to share please please please look us up. we love hearing amzing stories about this kinda stuff…

    thanks, andy!

    ishityounotshow.com

  45. Kristen R. says:

    I would hate to see what the perpetrator of that unsolved crime would look like, but I’m guessing a good hosing off would be in order. Not sure if he’ll ever come clean, though.

  46. Natalia says:

    My toddler has come to the idea she’s better pooing in her undies than in the potty. I’ve been thinking a looooot on this post for the last two weeks and unfortunately, haven’t been strong enough to advance and toss them all every time. I still believe a lot in the power of really hot water and soap (probably just a childhood trauma, as I spent my summers washing cloth diapers from my little cousins as a disturbing grandma’s version of “helping around”)

  47. Rica says:

    Just thought you’d like to know that your instructional diagram brought some much-needed comedic relief to a Facebook support group for adult ostomates.

    We have all–for various reasons ranging from birth defects to colon cancer to inflammatory bowel diseases–had some part of our intestines removed, either temporarily (to let the remainder of the bowel get some rest while healing) or permanently. The surgery is called a colostomy or an ileostomy, depending on which part of the gut gets rerouted.

    As a result, we poop into a bag that’s securely attached to our lower abdomen. When the bag gets full, which happens on average 7 to 8 times a day, we empty it into a toilet, close it up again, and wash our hands. Very tidy and high-tech. Less messy, as a rule, than having a bowel movement the old-fashioned way.

    Well, in theory. From time to time, due to laziness (“No need to empty before going into the movie. I can do it afterward.”) or a bag defect, a bag will leak. Or even…explode.

    So many’s the time that I’ve wound up looking like the “Unsolved Crime”–only not up my back, but all across the front of whatever I was wearing. Rough enough when it happens at home (usually during the night, because one can’t empty one’s bag when asleep). But I’ve had this happen in movie theatres (see “laziness,” above), fancy white-tablecloth restaurants, and at work.

    Happy happy joy joy.

    Needless to say, although the surgery has often saved one’s life, many people find that the adjustment period is long and hard. Hence the existence of online support groups, where we share experiences, console and encourage each other, trade tips, and so forth. (Sorta like a parenting blog, come to think of it.) And, laughter being the most marvelous medicine, we *love* to post poop-related humour.

    So thanks from the denizens of Ostomyland for giving us a chance to have a healthy and healing belly laugh!

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