How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The 3 Ps of Parenting

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Bleach It Away Contest for $15000

Nothing can prepare you. Nothing!

Just like war, no matter what you read or watch, or how many in-the-trenches stories you hear from gray-faced veteran parents, nothing—NOTHING!!!—can prepare you for the amount of pee, puke and poop that will be unleashed upon you once your baby arrives. The 3 Ps of Parenting.

Mothers may even agree that the very process of pregnancy seems like a kind of biological (not-so)dry-run of the 3 Ps for themselves. Preparing them for what will eventually come out of their baby, endlessly.

When you become a parent, at first it can seem harmless. Impressive, but no big deal. Pee may start out as an odorless tinkle only to later become a savage spray of noxious glowstick juice. Puke* can range from something yogurty, at first, to violent eruptions of toxic food lava. And poop… (Shudder). Poop can begin as cute little pieces of driftwood, only to transform over time into devastating dirty bomb attacks.

* Some may argue that puke is the worst. Sorry. It can’t give you pink eye and the happy-go-pukeys like poop can.

Hopefully this chart has helped clueless expecting couples gain some idea of the varying levels of threat they will most certainly encounter when the war begins their baby arrives. And, for seasoned parents, sorry for bringing back nightmares of the 3 Ps.

 

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Poopbook
Nah, I just like replacing the word Face- with other words.

Poop for Days
As far as the eye can see. Poop.
 

46 Comments

46 Responses to “The 3 Ps of Parenting”

  1. WeirdFish says:

    Somewhat fittingly, I fought this battle this very morning. Projectile voluminous spit-up (I swear, I did not feed this child THAT much formula!).

    Got him and me changed. It was hard to remain despondent when he’s smiling like he’s proud of himself and looking up at me with extremely large (perhaps TOO large) brown eyes. Then, he started straining and grunting, so onto the changing table he went. He seemed done….

    (“ho, HO!” I hear you all chortling)

    I began the process of changing his diaper like the NASCAR pit crew that I am.

    His rumble in the Bronx subsided. I figured he was done with his project.

    No. No, he wasn’t. I had no idea what kind of velocity could be achieved when a faucet is left unfettered.

    Now, of course, he’s much more comfortable and in a mood to play, so he’s kicking his feet around like a circus bear on meth. It was amazing enough that his onesie (the one I’d JUST put him in) remained pristine and untouched by the disaster. But his socks, on the other hand….

    Somehow, I managed to keep his feet out of the cesspool of biological hell. I hastily put another fresh diaper on him, popped him into his crib, and took the changing pad to the bathroom.

    The Spotbot got a good workout this morning…until I ran out of detergent.

    It was all I could do to resist the temptation to crack open a couple of beers and have some deep-fried food for breakfast this morning. At 6:00am. When I have to be at work at 7:00.

    • Andy says:

      I salute you, soldier. ::salutes in jittery motion:: Sorry, that salute was hindered by shuddering chills of horrified empathy.

    • Christi says:

      Sorry but baby puke is easy! my 3 yr old projectile vomited in the back of a rented Fiat into the backseat pouch/pocket that was in front of him, soaking into the fabric while making a vomit reservoir. when trying to remove him from his seat he started vomiting again while I tried to catch it with my bare hands to avoid further cleanup to the already soaked back of the passenger seat and floor board carpet. Splashing over the sides of the car seat onto the back seat fabric laving my son in a 2 inch pool of hot puke.

      • Amber says:

        OMG both of these are so funny. Christi I feel your pain I too have tried to catch projectile vomit with my hands in the car, lmao. This is the greatest website I have ever seen. I wish I’d have found it eight years ago when I had my first son. I’m now on kids #3 and a veteran. This is awesome.

  2. Haha! I love this! Just multiply the puke to infinity when reflux is added to the mix! :-D

    • Andy says:

      It’s like Back to the Future, the reflux capacitor, except time travel isn’t achieved. And you don’t have a rad stainless steel car. And puke is everywhere. Great Scott!

  3. Christie says:

    This is spectacular.

    A few years ago my then 2 and a half year old had the stomach flu. Dad had just arrived home from a 3 week business trip and I was busy dealing with a 3 month old baby. Alex was playing in a cardboard box (nothing but the most high tech toys for my kids) and he had a poop attack. I sent him off to the bathroom with dad.

    A few moments later there was crying, gaging, screaming and more gaging. I wandered down the hall to investigate only to find my husband bent over the tub throwing up, my toddler covered in all three p’s crying, and between standing puke and poop attacks, trying to console my obviously overwhelmed husband.

    Because I am a mature responsible mom…I stood in the hallway laughing until I was crying. I managed to snap a few kodak memories as well.

    Should I have cleaned up my kid first, probably. Do I regret taking photos of the calmity….no way.

  4. Susie says:

    There is nothing like the smell of leaky diarrhea diaper as you walk in to raise a child from nap time. Somehow, every stitch in the crib needed laundering- except for the Yoda plushie. Go figure.

    • Andy says:

      Our little one had a stomach bug last week (purely coincidental to this post) and one night we had diarrhea. But at three in the morning we couldn’t tell when we first entered his room whether it was puke or poop.

      We’re pretty sure he was too delirious and his aim isn’t good enough to puke into the waistband of his diaper, so we decided it was diarrhea.

  5. My 2.5 month old projectile vomited on me last night when I was feeding him. Let’s just say I have a slew of clean clothes and bedding today.

  6. Desiree says:

    It’s been a dozen years and I can still get nauseous thinking of some of the horrors I’ve survived.

  7. Liz says:

    I’m due in two weeks. I’ll be in a corner in the fetal position whimpering now. :)

  8. Louise says:

    The other week we let out 15 month old have a bit of nappy free time after her bath. She wandered over to the corner of the study, and did a massive poop, and trod in it with both feet. My husband went over to see what she was doing, and he stepped in it as well. While wearing socks.

    Needless to say, baby went back in the bath.

  9. Jen says:

    F#@$ messes.F#$% organic matter. Mushrooms growing in my carpet, lice in my kids hair, fleas on the cats, vomit on my new mattress, pee in the car seat, unending mountains of laundry, poo, poo, poo, poo,diapers, poo, athletes foot, all the stuff that comes out when you deliver, boils, snot, pink eye, the list goes on and on.

    My 2012.

    F#$@ your diagram. THAT SHIT’S EASY. Come to my house….. or don’t.

  10. Oh, you need to be more careful of the vomit attack. It can reach distance you cannot imagine!!! when that sick, poop attack is to expect too though.

    • Andy says:

      It’s true. It can be a nasty land-to-air -everywhere missile. Cosmically my son reminded me of this just last week. Oh the horror. ::shudders::

      • Finger crossed. My 17mo daughter never had anything worse than a runny nose…

        We need to stay alert and don’t lower our lever of preparedness or we’ll lose that war when it comes!

        • Andy says:

          The best offense is a good defense. Except when it’s a 7-rated P attack, then just make sure you know the clear paths to all emergency exits and the location of your ass; you’ll need to kiss it goodbye.

  11. Sierra says:

    Ah, yes, the Triple-P. My sweet son decided to launch one of those attacks in the back of the car on a cross-state drive. The assault started as a simple projectile vomiting all down the inside of the car door. As I cleaned that up, I started to smell something suspicious and discovered he had pooped up the back of his diaper and all over his carseat. While cleaning THAT up, and changing him yet again, I left him un-diapered for a second too long and he took the opportunity to pee all over the backseat. Neither my car nor I have ever fully recovered! :)

  12. Lol, id be terrified of the #7 of the 3P’s

  13. Rachel says:

    I was changing my first on the couch when he was a few weeks old. I was on one cushion, he was on the other when he grunted, one tiny little grunt and the river of poo that attacked me and the couch was amazing and sickening. Of course, my cushion was lower so that made it even better. So gross.
    That’s nothing compared to the pukes from my 2nd due to his reaction to antibiotics. Something about puling in a daycare workers face. :/

  14. Rachel says:

    Oh my gosh, we did have the dreaded 7! 45 minutes from home, changing him on the trunk of the car! I had blocked that out, haha

  15. I already know what bleachable moment I will submit.

  16. Denise says:

    Best advice ever given – when your child is puking Do Not take them back to your bed! Let them puke in the one contained space, their bed and the war zone bathroom.

  17. Laurie says:

    Oh my freaking god, I am getting my tubes tied ASAP!

  18. Andy-I’ve tried to wipe the memory of the smell from my mind. Let me set the scene for you…Thanksgiving 2011. Overly tired 2yr old being shuffled back and forth between one overwhelming family engagement after another. Belly full of turkey feast, Mommy driving like mad to make it home for naptime that is now 2+hours over due. 2yr old pitches a stage-3 meltdown in back seat of car. Regurgitation is eminent. Stuck in traffic Mommy attempts to pull over to prevent the Turkey, Sweet Potatoes, Stuffing, Cranberry Sauce and 2 scoops of ice cream from making a second showing. Daddy, with sensitive gag-reflex begins to make sounds similar to a cat throwing up a hair ball. Car is now in park. Daddy, fleeing the scene, finds a quiet spot to puke it out. Mommy rushes around to the backseat just in time for 2yr old to loose lunch all over the rental car and all over the only nice dress she packed for their 3 week trip. Both boys feeling much better return to their seats. Mommy, covered in what can now only be described as tummy gravy gets back in the car. Calmly collecting herself she drives on to the next event laughing , talking to herself and mumbling the whole way.

  19. Ryan says:

    Exactly! Every Thanksgiving I get a little gun shy at the dinner table, wondering if the lovely meal everyone is fussing over will make a repeat performance?

  20. Josephine Robinson says:

    Too funny I will never forget the night my then 3 year old son got sick from eating a 3 lb bag of green seedless grapes. he sh!t on my head, all over the bed, on the sheets, and the wall. I was a little pissed off when his father refused to wake up and I had to dead roll him off the nasty mess. The boy the next day walked thru the house swinging the now empty, but for a stem and brown little squishy used to be grapes bag. Sing “enough enough”. I got even I went out a few years later with friends came home drunk off my butt and PUKED on him. I say we are even.

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