How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Whorlloween Costume Epic Battles

Posted by on October 19th, 2012, under SNAPSHOTS

Whortal Kombat Funny Slutty Costume BattlesSome people love ‘em. Some people hate ‘em. I’m talking about all the hyper sexy costumes at seasonal Halloween pop-up stores and costume shops.

Remember when it was witches and fairies and princesses? One thing’s for sure, we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

So, I’ve decided to put together a showdown! Vote for the sexiest, funniest, most inappropriate costume victor! You decide NOT ONLY who wins, but HOW THEY’VE WON! Even if they’ve failed. Post your votes in the comments!

Let us begin with the Internet’s most epic, age-old debate as the first matchup: Pirate vs Ninja! Enjoy!

Whortal Kombat Funny Epic Slutty Halloween Costume Battles

Why did I do this? No one will ever know; not even me.

Maybe it had something do with a night last week. I was trying to get my 3yo Lucas into the costume swing of things, so I started to show him on an image search from my iPhone. He was swiping through the pictures and kept asking, “Whussat?” and I would say, “Monkey!” “Dinosaur!” “Flower!” and then “Ummmm… hooker.” I couldn’t help myself. It wasn’t even a prostitute costume (if they even have those anymore), it was just some costume that was so sexified it’s all I could think to answer.

Afterward, thankfully, he didn’t walk up to his mom and ask if he could be a hooker for Halloween.

True story.

Happy Whorlloween!

–Andy

Thanks to Yandy.com Costumes for the very gracious use of their costume photos!

Put a Diaper on Before Clicking
There’s some pretty funny stuff after the link.

Whorebook
Not really, just Facebook. But it likes to dress up sexy sometimes, too.
 

82 Comments

82 Responses to “Whorlloween Costume Epic Battles”

  1. Man!!! it’s sad ain’t it. Obviously, the idiot marketing types who dream up this stuff come in three categories!
    #1 They don’t have children of their own, so couldn’t give a s**t if other people’s kids see this crap & get their young mind poisoned.
    #2 They have kids of their own, but couldn’t give a s**t if this stuff poisons their young mind.
    #3 Greedy, selfish b******s, who’s own minds are already poisoned and don’t give a s**t about poisoning anyone elses mind, as long as the bottom line looks good.
    I have the same sentiments about the idiots who buy this crap, unless it’s for a private showing of course!!!
    This should be about kids dressing up, innocently, and having fun.
    Gee. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

    • Anonymous says:

      AMEN.

    • Andy says:

      The worst part is that there’s a market for these. Or they wouldn’t be making them. Culturally, something is very very wrong.

      • me962 says:

        two sides to that…if they didn’t make them, people wouldn’t buy them. Maybe a few would make sleazy crap for themselves, but little girls wouldn’t grow up thinking, “This is just what everyone does. To be accepted by “everyone”, this is what I need to do. This is the society I live in.” I’m tired of hearing that the poor manufacturers, etc. are being held at gunpoint by a bunch of women saying, “More whoreish! More Whoreish God dammit!”

    • Joseph says:

      I really hope that people are smart enough to realize that people buy these costumes to wear around adults at Halloween parties, NOT around children. Why are people so uptight?

      • me962 says:

        too bad you don’t realize that many college, high school and middle school age girls feel pressured to wear these. I am thankful that my daughter made it through high school not feeling the pressure. A “really nice nice thing” that the two colleges do in my town is open all their dorms and community areas to all the little kid trick-or-treaters…all the “kids” in the dorms give out candy…all dressed up for whorlloween… I took my kids…1 year.

    • Martin McCourt says:

      Well put!

  2. Dan says:

    after spending what I feel is only the appropriate amount of attention necessary to these images in order to give a fair and conscientious appraisal of these costumes here are my victors:

    Round 1: Ninja – you have to have force powers or some kind of witchcraft up your sleeve to ninja in boots like that. also some kind of elemental buffer to be anywhere near outside in October.

    Round 2: The Monkey – well because as much as i crave the image of a fat plumber when forcing my wife into a cosplay/halloween outfit tails seem to do it for me more.

    Round 3: Cop – the robber looks like every chick out in Watford on a Friday. The cop looks like every teenage fantasy I ever had in one.

    Round 4: Kreuger – that ghostbusters costume doesn’t even have a proton pack. I mean if the GB guys didn’t have proton packs they would just be a bunch of creepy guys in boiler suits hanging out in a pimped hearse at your grandmas funeral. Like Slipknot.

    Round 5: Robin – Unless there is a Michaelangelo version of the TMNT outfit I’m not interested.

    Round 6: Nope. Can’t handle this, this one is definitely a draw where both sides have thoroughly lost.

    Round 7: Baby. Now I’m pretty conflicted about this as I have a two month old daughter and I don’t want any internetians thinking I’m some kind of weird Hentai pervert or something. But WTH kind of zombie is that. Make it look like the Walking Dead Series 1 poster zombie or it aint worth my while.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! I love the geeky analysis and, yes, I thought the same thing about the Zombie, but I had to work with what I could get. ;)

    • Jess says:

      Wow….up until you mentioned having a 2 month old daughter I could’ve sworn this was my husband talking. & his name is Dan.

      Side note – agree w/ everything from the “appropriate amount of time” ;) to even the baby (don’t judge).

  3. Steve says:

    What, the middle and high school kids in my neighborhood wear about this same kinda stuff on a daily basis.

    I’m not a creepy leering pervert, but if I played one on a blog, I’d definitely go with Dirty Cop as the hands-on…um, I mean hands-down winner. Better check registered offender websites before letting your kid out on Halloween in this one.

    • Andy says:

      I was originally going to make this post about tweens and the age-inappropriateness, but I got despondent about writing it when I realized that a lot of girls really ARE wearing super slutty stuff as regular wardrobe. I probably will write it next year. I just didn’t have the heart to this time round.

  4. Amanda says:

    The sad thing about these is that there is a market for them, which is why there are more every year. While I’d like to be able to wear something like this, I never would. That being said, my votes are as follows:
    1. Ninja – Mostly because the outfits on the other two are better than the one we see…

    2. Mario – I just can’t vote for the other one. It makes me feel guilty I decorated my newborns bedroom with a jungle/monkey theme.

    3. Cop – If you can squeeze yourself into that leather/pleather get up, then you deserve to win. *Bonus…take off the belt and hat, add cat ears and you can be cat woman. Two costumes in one!

    4. Ghost Busters – Any woman who can pull off this outfit deserves to show off the boob job.

    5. Is that a turtle shell backpack on the turtle? Weird. I guess Robin wins, but if she moves…that costume is gonna tear.

    6. Why? My mind can’t get past the wrongness of this. Bonus points for the Bert costume for covering up the midriff. So I guess Bert is the winner

    7. Zombie – While I don’t think this really looks like a zombie, at least it covers most of her. The baby is just disturbing.

    • Andy says:

      THAT is the truth! These are made because people BUY THEM! I don’t actually have a big problem with there being sexy costumes, but what really is very unnerving to me is how astonishingly MANY there are. Not just that, that they seem to constitute the MAJORITY of costume options for women and girls. :(

      • Amanda says:

        What’s worse is the name of the companies that are making these. I bought a Wonder Woman costume for a Halloween wedding I’m going to and the company is ‘Sexy Secrets’. Now mind you, I bought my costume with the skirt (not really Wonder Woman I know) but I wanted to be somewhat covered up and I’d say it’s a pretty conservative costume as far as Wonder Woman goes, but why is it coming from a company that sounds like it is selling lingerie? Is that all that costumes are anymore???

  5. Laurie says:

    Good lord this trend is oh so disturbing…Not cool!

  6. Jenna says:

    That baby costume? I can’t even. It’s wrong in SO MANY EFFING WAYS.

  7. Chelsey says:

    What the? Why sexy bert and sexy ernie? I don’t even…

    • Jess says:

      ISN’T THAT ONE THE WORST?! I couldn’t stop shaking my head in disbelief when I scrolled down to that one. I just…there isn’t anything…WHY?!

    • Andy says:

      Right!?! I nervously laughed my ass off, after my jaw was done dropping to the center of the Earth. I think it’s hilarious AS LONG AS MY KIDS DON’T SEE THEM IN STORES OR ON NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS WHILE TRICK OR TREATING.

      • Gale says:

        I know…how messed up would that be for kids to see their favorite cartoon characters that way! Heaven forbid their mom wore it. That might require therapy later.

        (Please say there’s no sexy Elmo out there! I don’t even dare google it).

  8. Chris says:

    Not saying I totally agree with this but she makes a pretty good argement FOR these kinds of costumes. Except the baby one. That’s just wrong.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPPsf-Mi8FY

  9. Name Required says:

    Why are people so up in arms? Some people would not have been born w/o these kinds of outfits HAHHA. There’s a time and place for this sort of wear. The human body is nothing to fear. If you’re so paranoid by it… just remember, we’re all naked under our clothes, even the fat, ugly people! So, if you’re of the right age, and the enviroment suits the attire, flaunt it. If your <18yo daughter is wearing this and you approve… its on you, and her, when she's asking for a plan B. You can only do so much to raise them right, the rest is the choices they make on their own.

    • Former "Nurse" says:

      True story. A nurse costume was definitely involved 9 months before our little bundle of joy arrived.

    • Andy says:

      I’m halfway there with you. I don’t like to be too serious about any given topic, if that wasn’t abundantly evident. ;) BUT! Parents (and non-parents for that matter) have really legitimate points with regards to the cultural message and the age-appropriateness of some of these.

      Example: One store I was at was organized by category, so it had an Native American Indian custom for a 6-10 girl right next to a costume (titled “Pocahottie”) that a prostitute could easily have used for a Cowboys and Indians roleplaying bonanza. Erm. Not a fan of that.

  10. Seriously? Sexy Baby wins for being the most depraved concept. I don’t even have the words to deliver the treatment required — an analysis of what sexy is, a contrast to innocence, so much weirdness there.

    Sexy Bert and Ernie… I love the absurdity. I think if two slender lesbians were partnered up, they could really delight their friends with this costume.

  11. Freeni says:

    Seeing the Bert and Ernie as well as the sexy baby, is disgusting me. And then we wonder why we have psychos out there attacking kids……I mean the sexy baby what is that supposed to make one want?….I’m not even saying it…..ugggg

    My boys are gonna be woody and buzz respectively

  12. Ang says:

    i was helping in my second graders classroom last year at the halloween party and had a student come running up saying “can you guess what i am” and I had to stop myself from saying “whore”. it took me a minute, but i finally guessed “ladybug?” and i was right, thank goodness. However, i know of no ladybugs who wear bustiers, fish net stockings, and hair extensions. It was really sad to see it played out in real life vs just being horrified by the catalogs and internet:(

    • Andy says:

      It breaks my heart and shakes my faith in humanity. I look at the parents with a look of horror on Halloween night when I see their girl traipsing around the neighborhood like some freaky fetish hooker. It’s mad mad world.

  13. John says:

    I love Halloween. I made a Thomas the Train pumpkin last weekend. This weekend Slutty Ghostbuster pumpkin!

  14. Cassie says:

    Dont forget the horror of the Bratz doll costumes or the new trend Monster High…..They wear friggin heels that I see with those Gangsta costumes.
    http://gettoptens.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/3.-Monster-High-Costumes.jpg
    And for costumes…Im going with Pirate (ive worne worse for renfest) Mario, Cop and Krueger. Dave nester did an awesome print with a krueger girl.

    • Andy says:

      Pretty crazy. I saw the Monster High costumes and a bunch of other Japanese cosplay style outfits that just had me wondering if sushi causes brain damage over time.

      Which would suck. Because I really love sushi.

  15. Megan says:

    Okay, the Bert and Ernie really creep me out. Those and the baby are wrong on so many levels

    This is why I make my own non-slutty costumes

    • Andy says:

      I love homemade costumes. For so many reasons, including non-sluttiness for girls.

      • Amber says:

        This is exactly WHY I make my own costumes every year. About the only choices out there for women anymore are “slutified”, and that’s really no choice at all.

        Not to get too deep, but you rarely see sexy men’s costumes, so I find it greatly disturbing that the manufacturers think that all women, and only women, secretly long to be sluts.

        It’s so much more FUN to wear a handmade costume, plus it’s going to be much better quality. :)

  16. beta dad says:

    Whoa. That shit is real. I thought Andy had created it with his graphic wizardry.

    Ernie and Bert win because there’s nothing hotter than shemales.

  17. A SEXY BABY!?!?!?!? I CAN’T EVEN WITH THIS HOLIDAY ANYMORE.

    • Andy says:

      You have no idea.

      THIS

      IS

      NOT

      THE

      “SEXIEST”

      BABY

      COSTUME

      OUT

      THERE!!!

      You think THIS one is bad?!? The other one I found while researching for this post was basically a set of baggy panties (the “diaper”), a bib to cover the breasts, and a bonnet with a rattle. Madness.

  18. Dave says:

    1. Ninja Whorior
    2. Sluty Maria
    3. Dirty Cop
    4. Ghost-Hustler
    5. Robin the Slut Wonder
    6. Not gonna go there
    7. Naughty Baby

    Where is the Hot Nurse vs Sexy Doc?

    • Andy says:

      I could have made so many other pairings, there is just such a phenomenal variety out there. But I tried to keep it to specific themes and had to set a limit. ;)

  19. Kelley says:

    Whorleween is right!! The Ernie one was horrible, but I can’t decide if it beats Badonky Kong!!

  20. Oh my gosh… those are horrible. The halloween costumes for girls and women get sluttier each year. The worst are Ernie and the Naughty Baby. Ugh.

    • Andy says:

      The tween costumes are the scariest to me. A lot of them show leggings in their photos, but the leggings don’t come with the costume, soooooo yeah… when they put them on on Halloween night… Pretty bad.

  21. NiIki A says:

    The Party store circulars never cease to disappoint this time of year. The “sexy” costume that bothered me the most was a naughty girl scout called “don’t touch my cookies.” Way to sexualize a girl scout and double down with a molestation joke. Also, this year they now have “junior hookers” section in their ad, featuring the same slutty costumes for 12-13 year old girls. Great!

    • Andy says:

      Pretty scary stuff. I almost put in that one, the Dirty Girl Scout, matched up against the “School Girl” but it was juuuuust tooooo depraved. The baby one pushes to limits of course, but it’s so completely foolish I thought I could get away with it so I could make that nod to our Zombie vs Baby Instructional Diagram.

  22. Anonymous says:

    I’m actually pretty bummed you guys posted something like this, including a contest? Its not funny that women feel like they need to throw themselves at men to get attention, especially on a holiday for kids. Its sad and scary, especially for parents who want to raise a half decent child in this screwed up society.

    • Andy says:

      I take full responsibility for my post, there’s no “you guys” about this one. I’m bummed that the satire and fun-poking at these costumes bummed you out. I agree it’s sad that there is such an awful declining culture in the world for women in this respect.

  23. Elizabeth says:

    Hands down for all those disgusting costumes (where all I want to say is WTF!!!) is the baby costume…that is just disturbing on so many levels. I sound like my Grandma and Nan: “What has this world come to?” For me, scrolling down and looking at this one vs. this one and then seeing the baby costume SCARY!!!!!

    From a Mother of all Boys: Thank God!!

  24. Kimberly says:

    I didn’t actually dress up for my first Halloween until I was in College (my parents were those super religious people that believe Halloween is of the devil – I say “were” because my brothers now get to participate in all the Halloween activities now that I’m married with kids of my own; go figure.) Anyhow, I was complete tom-boy in my normal attire and was mortified at the options for costumes.

    My two girls are getting home-made costumes and are both going as owls because they are OBSESSED with Legend of the Owls. My 3-year-old daughter almost went as Spider Man due to her obsession with him ;)

    In regards to the post there’s only one that I really want to comment on: Badonky Kong. Total win because every cosplayer has a fetish and some just so happen to like furry. Who wouldn’t love a furry ear to suck while yanking the money’s tail? 0=)

  25. If the dirty cop turned up at my door, I think there could be an “arrested development” in the trouser department ;-)

  26. Terry says:

    Most of those are just plain said…but I have to admit *cough* *cough* the dirty cop on the other hand really does it for me!

  27. Katherine says:

    Thanks for the Halloween costume ideas! ha xD

  28. JW says:

    You guys are crazy. If people want to have fun, let them. Don’t be a wet blanket. Most women wearing these costumes aren’t going to do so around children; they’re going to personal parties, bars, or clubs.

    The only women that have an issue with this are the ones that aren’t good looking enough to rock the costumes, ultra conservative, or from an older generation where it’s age inappropriate.

    My wife used to dress in sexy costumes for Halloween and God-willing, she’ll do it again for me. We have a son now, so it would be inappropriate for her to wear ultra-sexy costumes around him, so she’ll tone down public costumes.

  29. Claudia says:

    LOVE this post! I was guilty of buying these when I was an irresponsible single woman going to the West Hollywood (if you’re from L.A, you know what that’s like ;) Very adult) Halloween Street parade or going to nightclubs.
    I don’t mind them so much, but I dislike seeing them plastered on circulars that come to my home. What I find disturbing is that they’re making these for PRE-TEEN girls now; girls that don’t even have breasts yet. WHY?! These are fine for full grown woman who can make dirty decisions, not for little girls to try to WANT to be making dirty decision. I know what goes on when a woman willingly puts on a costume like this and goes out, so yes, I laugh when my husband grabs the circular and says “Hooker, hooker, hooker to be, hooker…”
    I guess what I’m trying to say is that as an adult and parnet, (not young adult) I can now find it disturbing.

  30. Karen says:

    Hey, as long as they are not wearing them in front of the kids. As long as the kids are not wearing them. As long as the stores put them to the side (as the Halloween store locally does – clear delineation between grown up costumes and kids ones – separated by the entire store), fine. But I do agree I am sick of seeing them in the circulars and being targeted to teen girls. Dang I miss having teh body to rock one of those. I had it once but not the confidence. Now I have the confidence but a few more pounds (though I did stop a few guys when I was trying on a full length red vampire gown and that was a major ego boost – I guess some guys still like a size 10/12 over a four). Let the grown ups have fun.

  31. Bridget says:

    My vote goes to Buxom Bert vs. Erotic Ernie. Call me old fashioned but I prefer the traditional pray away the gay version.

  32. Natasha says:

    And this ladies and gentlemen is why I make my own costumes. I can’t stand that everything has to be sexy this or slutty that. Even before I had a child there was no way I was going to walk around in what was basically lingerie. That is for the bedroom only and it shows disrespect not only to the people around you but to yourself as well when you where this stuff in public. Eww!

  33. Annie says:

    I gotta say – this is the funniest infographic on halloween I have seen EVER. You guys never fail to make me laugh. Good job, Andy!

  34. Anon says:

    So, don’t get me wrong, I am horrified by these costumes, and completely do not think they should be for sale in the same Halloween stores where children’s costumes are sold. My son isn’t old enough for it to be awkward yet, but it’s probably only gonna be a few years. And it’s even MORE horrifying to hear about elementary age girls in things like fishnets.

    BUT the way you said a provocatively dressed adult woman (on a retail costume site, not even a woman out in the world) was a prostitute to your son seems like a less than stellar message to give him about women. Slut shaming is gross. Yes, sexualizing young girls is way more gross. But let’s maybe not call people whores and sluts and prostitutes.

    • Alyssa says:

      +1 to this!
      Look, these costumes are gross, and I definitely understand the “all in good fun” concept, but using labels such as these (as opposed to, maybe, “ignorant,”
      “misguided,” and “tools of (or tooled by?) the patriarchy”) is just as demeaning and unproductive as these costumes are.
      Perhaps, instead of lobbing verbal grenades and teaching our kids that it’s okay to objectify as long as you’re criticizing, we could work on undermining the culture that makes some women feel that this is their only option (or that this option is acceptable because ‘we’re now so far past feminism that it isn’t necessary any more.’

  35. Faman says:

    As an employee of a party supply store I see Halloween as one of the best times of the year. 68% of costumes sold are to adults.
    We have our costumes separated by theme and the adult theme is gated off so kids can’t wonder around with slack jaw expressions gazing at what looks like porn.
    We have fitting rooms and un-package these outfits checking for damage going in and out of the fitting area as these costumes do not come in plus sizes regardless of what size the package says and I have yet to see someone who looks like the cover model in our small community. Unfortunately I also see pre-teens and their parents making some very bad choices. My teen girls picked prisoners in regular old fashioned, baggy striped outfits
    My 5 yr old son was a ninja & I wouldn’t want to clash so if I were going to an adult party and could pull the look off I’d go Pirate. hahaha

  36. Gale says:

    Winning the the “Creepiest costume for all the wrong reason” is the Naughty Baby…just barely beating out the most inappropriate Bert and Earnie costumes ever.

    Tied for the “Naming it Naughtier” category is Ninja Whorier and “Badonky Kong”.

    • Gale says:

      PS: Did you name those or were they actually named that? Blows my mind.

      Gladly, last night we didn’t see any costumes like these. Everything was pretty tame, even the teenagers.

      • Andy says:

        I made them up. BUT some of them are a bit lewd in real life. I only saw one costume that qualified as a hooker masquerading as other roles, so that’s nice it was a one-shot occurrence.

  37. Amna says:

    I know! Sexy Bert and Ernie? Still confused over that one. thx nice pictures

  38. Daddy Files says:

    It’s one night a year and these are adult costumes. I just don’t see the big deal and I certainly don’t get the level of outrage I’ve seen in some of these comments.

    Some of you people are incredibly uptight. Can you even hear me all the way up on the soapbox??

  39. SuperHeroFam says:

    My family is planning on a DC Heroes theme this Halloween, My son and I are Batman and Robin, easy enough…

    My wife, initially wanting to be Super Girl, gave up on that venture (and Cat Woman, Bat Girl, Zatana, etc…), and ultimately found a “wearable” Wonder Woman costume. She’s in great shape, but every single super heroine costume we could find on the internet looked like it came out of an adult “novelty” store, and is not anything she would, let alone wants, to wear in public, or have photos taken of.

  40. John says:

    1) Ninja – I can see the pirate at least resembling a pirate. That is no ninja
    2) Badonky Kong – Similar reasoning to the first. Call that a chimp, a marmaset, ewok.. ok. Donky Kong? Nope.
    3) Raunchy Robber – My kid and I are going as Iron Man and Thor respectively. My wife is finishing out our subset of Avengers as the Black Widow, with an awesomely authentic looking theatrical costume. But, all it takes is to add a hat on it and it’s that cop. So the is obviously worse and wins.
    4) Frisky Krueger – Aside from the downfalls of getting frisky with those nails, I’ve always liked that Ghost Hustler (though I should doc it points for the name).
    5) Robin the Slut Wonder – the name. But like the Ghost one, I always liked that sexy TMNT ones.
    6) Erotic Ernie – Erotic and Ernie should NEVER be written next to each other. Also much more skin showing.
    7) Naughty Baby – Costume just should not exist.

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