How to Be a Dad

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A Teenager’s Bucket List

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This is completely true and unaltered and unbelievable. And yet, totally believable.

One day a friend of mine went insane and decided to clean up the apocalypse of his fourteen-year-old boy’s room. Amid all the aftermath, he discovered something amazing. And since he’s the type of guy who covers this his son’s toilet bowl opening with clear plastic wrap (resulting in an upside-down liquid firework of urine), he decided to share the discovery with me.

It’s a bucket list.

Here’s a scan (followed by more legible text) of an actual teenager’s bucket list:

WARNING: A TEENAGED BOY wrote this. You’ve been warned.

A Teenager's Bucket List for Real

Bucket list.

1. Touch a black chicks boob

2. Jerk off with cable

3. do a movie with my uncle, morgan feeman and Jack nicoleson

3. 4. Touch vagina one more time

5. See Rammstein [a German industrial metal band]

6. Touch R↑ hair

7. make the Black guy cry

8. eat pupusas one last time… mmmmm.

9. E = mc☐

10. Say ms. lake again

11. see pink tits… I love those pinkies. β™‘

12. Talk a whole day like Steven Hawkins

13. Touch a … british chicks ass

For those of you who aren’t familiar: a “bucket list” is a list of stuff you’d like to do before you “kick the bucket” (die), inspired by the movie The Bucket List, starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.

Some of you may be appalled by this list’s contents, or the fact that I posted it for all the world to see, or the decaying standards of penmanship and proper spelling and punctuation in youth today. BUT I JUST HAD TO! It was too interesting, funny and unique an insight into the mind of a kid at the very end of being a kid.

It’s not quite the sober, well-thought-out set of goals an older person with a heightened sense of mortality would put together. It’s just a snapshot of a post-pubescent moment in this particular teen’s life.

Obviously, whatever they are, the priorities and goals of kids and teens are probably going to be vastly different from much older adults. Most adults, anyways.


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80 Responses to “A Teenager’s Bucket List”

  1. Kez says:

    Wow, that list is very…um…inspiring…and…profound?
    Haha, like you say – it’s a unique insight into a snapshot of a teenaged life!!
    I was too busy writing moody poetry, song lyrics and novel length letters to my friends to write a bucket list!

    • Andy says:

      Me neither. But I’m pretty sure the movie must have inspired him do it, so I wonder if the movie had been made when I was a teen, what **I** would have put on it. πŸ˜‰

  2. Luna says:

    I missed that episode of life, I believe. πŸ™‚

    But I still suck at punctuation (mainly because english is not my mother-language)

    Anyway, there are no sweets in this list! What about sweets?

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! I think sweets were probable too easy to get to make it on the list. Though there is the pupusa food item mentioned. So, I agree. Some sugary goodness should have made it on the list.

      • Luna says:

        You are right. Sweets are everyday stuff. But item 1 seemed easy enough to obtain too…

        Anyway, I don’t find this list very alarming. It feels a little weird to read this because it’s private. It is also funny because it is not mine…phew πŸ™‚

        What would be more fun, I guess, would be such a list written by a 40year old or even a 60year old. Would it be really that different, I mean when it comes down to it, after we delete the save-the-world and earn-a-million-dollars poetry ?

        There would be music in it, and a woman, and a woman’s private parts, sure, and there would be food and movies and some geek stuff… = “same but different”, right? πŸ˜‰

        • Andy says:

          I didn’t find it alarming either. I was too busy laughing to get weirded out. It was just too amazing. I don’t think I could have written something funnier and more unusual if I’d tried to simulate it.

          I think everyone’s different, but that said: yes, I think you’re right. Same but different. Ha ha ha ha! πŸ˜‰

  3. Steve says:

    Haha! “Jack off with cable”. Is that like “make a call with payphone”?

    I’m not sure my list, as an almost 41-year old, would be a whole lot different, especially considering those recurring Margaret Thatcher dreams. Ooooh, dat ass!

  4. Braindonkey says:

    So Andy, have you yet eaten another pupusas? I am guessing you have accomplished the vagina touching since you have a couple kids. Oh, list isn’t yours, got it…….

    • Andy says:

      I have enjoyed the majesty of Salvadorian cuisine’s pupusas. If you’re trying to talk naughty inuendo, watch out. You have no idea how deep this rabbit hole goes. πŸ˜‰

  5. Laurie says:

    Wow, just wow! Seems like this kid was well on his way to being a well rounded adult..I DO hope he got to touch a British chicks ass, every young boy needs that.

  6. First response, laughter. But then I realized I live with two teenage boys (14 & 16) Should I be concerned?

    • Andy says:

      Of course you should be. Muhuhahahaha! No seriously, I’m not and I’ve got a 12 and 14 year old. It’s alarming sure, but that’s really all it is. It’s the weird finale to all of the moments you realize your babies/toddlers/kids aren’t those things anymore. (sob)

  7. OrtoKore says:

    This one killed me hahahhh

  8. Jess says:

    Is this a glimpse into the future mind of my son? Apparently you are preparing me. I thank you good sir. I will remember this when I too, find my teenage son’s “bucket list” or whatever interesting title he deems fit.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! You are most welcome. Kids just can’t help growing up. Hopefully a deep sigh and cup of chamomile tea will see you through the day you may discover something like this. πŸ˜‰

  9. Kimberly says:

    Wow. Suddenly I’m glad my boys are only 2 and 4 months old… Also, this is why I never commit anything like this to paper. Ha.

    • Andy says:

      I’ve got a 12 and 14 year old. But I know they’re smart enough not to lay anything like this down on paper or on a computer. If they’re going to think this stuff like this, they can keep it in their heads as far as I’m concerned. A-okay with that.

  10. As a mother of three girls, I’m pretty much just puking all over the place right now.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s not every boy. Me and every boy had urges like these but not necessarily as rough around the edges. And NOT ON PAPER!!!

  11. Mother Duck says:

    I want to laugh but as a mother of two girls…I’m buying a gun.

  12. Sweet Jesus. I want all girls. Boys are terrifying.

    • Andy says:

      I apologize on behalf of all boys. Some of us turn out okay. I turned out to be a hopeless romantic.

    • Karyyk says:

      I have all (three) girls. For some reason, the idea of any of them dating anyone even remotely near the wavelength of this list’s author seems much more terrifying. And then I remember how I was…terrifying indeed.

  13. Steve says:

    Hilarious – I have a daughter as well, and at least I’m ready for this sort of insanity, when it comes knocking on the front door. To be fair, a bucket list SHOULD be unrestricted; I mean, if he was TRULY headed for an untimely death, this list would have been much more XXX Rated. Touching would have turned into other, more aggressive requests. This is not that bad, all things considered. Haven’t you heard that men think about sex an average of 100 times a day? Pretty sure it’s every minute with Teenagers. The fact that he got some food & culture in there at ALL, should be applauded in my opinion.

  14. Hilarious. #9 is my favorite because it’s just… wtf?! The “one last time” items are hilarious too because… at 13 he thinks he’s so old and grown up in that moment, not realizing that he will have a kabillion opportunities ahead to do these things in his lifetime. Also funny to me are all the horrified mother’s of girls, who probably did not have brothers, cousins or sons. My bucket list at 13 would have probably been “horrifying” if I’d ever had the guts to write it down! Which I did not! You said it perfectly – it’s a “snapshot of a post-pubescent moment in this particular teen’s life.” Awesome.

    • Andy says:

      This thing is drenched in WTF sauce! The E=mc(an actual square) Ha ha ha ha!

      Yeah, I was sure it was going to happen, some people being appalled, but I think deep down everyone can see that even though the list is a little on the spicy side it’s charmingly odd and playful in a way. There are worse lists I could imagine.


      • WeirdFish says:

        It amazes me that people ARE appalled at all. That tells me that they’re either too Puritanical for their own good (whether they know it or not), are utter hypocrites (whether they know it or not), have had zero experience with boys of any age (including adults), or … and this is the one I truly hope for, though I know I’m in the minority … are appalled that this kid’s sense of stealth and cunning are so stunted that he got caught.

        That last one, I can get behind. The Internet in its current form didn’t exist when I was that age, so I was much more fortunate to avoid any such public humiliation but I still knew the term “evidence” and its implications. I at least had the common decency to avoid getting caught as much as possible (though I did get busted by my mom for hoarding the lingerie sections of multiple catalogs back then….).

  15. angel says:

    What is interesting to me are the crossed out items…were they cut from the list or accomplished?

  16. My high school boyfriend left a similar list at my house once, and my mom found it. Goals included sleeping with me (he didn’t) and learning to make LSD (he probably did). Needless to say my mom was relieved when we broke up.

  17. Drea says:

    Ohhh lord… I’m a new mom to a little boy (9 mo). He’s all sunshine and light right now, but I’d be kidding myself if I thought I didn’t have stuff like this to look forward to one day! Thanks for sharing πŸ™‚

    • Andy says:

      Thanks for visiting! I feel like I hit a kind of weird lottery that this even came on my radar. It was quite honestly MY pleasure to share it.

      Have a blast with your son. I think his mom already has her head on straight. πŸ™‚

  18. Tabitha says:

    This is too funny!

  19. Evonne says:

    Insightful indeed! Having grown up in a very female dominated household I’m incredibly grateful for having a younger brother. Without him I’d be completely lost with raising my boys…but for today I’ll just be grateful we’re still at the poo jokes stage and superhero aspirations!

  20. Waitdad says:

    My boys are 19 and 6 and at this point I’m far more concerned about the Dad who cleans his boy’s room than I am about a 14 year old who wants to touch a British chick’s ass. Out of control hormonal freak show teenagers are one thing, but syran wrap on a toilet seat requires medication.

    • Andy says:

      Hah! But you misunderstand (I probably didn’t write that clearly enough). He puts plastic wrap to cover the OPENING, not the seat. So when his son stand-pisses he finds that, indeed, the Death Star’s shields are operational. He’s not a neat freak if he’s willing for piss to splatter everywhere but inside the bowl. πŸ˜‰

  21. Ha Ha, probably pretty similar to what I would have written in my own teens.
    The thought of my daughter turning into a teen scares the crap out of me. Girls can be worse than boys, a lot worse!
    Kids just seem to grow up too fast these days. Aimee passed me her laundry on Sunday, and amongst it was her 1st bra. Blimey, she’s only 7.

  22. Julia says:

    It’s kind of sweet. Have you noticed it contains no violence at all?

    Also, I’m surprised it doesn’t have “fuck”. Unless “touching” means a lot more than just reach out with an index finger.

    My list from that age would have been so different I understand better now why it took me so long to start dating. πŸ™‚

    • Andy says:

      I think it’s honest and quirky, and I DID notice that it didn’t have violence or the foul use of language it easily could have.

      I think everyone’s list would have expressions for similar basic human needs and emotions. We’re all different, but in ways, the same.

      • Julia says:

        Although, I’m reading it again… What would #7 mean? “make the Black guy cry”. Mmmh…

        • Andy says:

          Probably, and sadly, a bully. Possible some thug at school or maybe it’s some kind of sweet unexpected thing that Mar Twain would write about. Like a hard old black man, that this teen wants to move with something that brings a tear to the eye? Okay, maybe I’m stretching it. Hey! He had e=mc2 on there. πŸ˜‰

          • Julia says:

            All in an office day for your regular teenager!

            I guess the e=mc2 goes for “discovering/inventing something amazing”. That’s one piece of motivation I’d love to have!

          • WeirdFish says:

            Well, he’s seen “The Bucket List,” obviously (or at least knows what it’s about and who the principle actors are), which implies that he’s watched at least some snippets of the science shows on Discovery/Science Channel, but has not had any formal instruction in Einsteinian physics.

            Hence, the “e=mc[]” rather than “e=mcΒ².” Although to not know exponents at 14 is also pretty sad….

            So Mark Twain influence = oh, hell no. πŸ™‚

            We have no context on “make the Black guy cry,” so it’d be unfair to leap to the conclusion of bullying (either perpetrated or received) or racial prejudice, but I certainly wouldn’t discount the possibility. Considering the more simplistic mentality of a 14 year old boy (I used to be one, after all….), I can confidently say it’s not born of any inspirational motivation.

            Again, we’re not that complex at that age! πŸ™‚

          • WeirdFish says:

            Or, I could also be overthinking it and he actually DID mean “e=mc[]” as a joke, to discover what THAT equation would be rather than the speed of light to the power of 2….

            After all, one of my best friends since high school devised a series of equations to manipulate math rules to prove that 1=2, and he was 15 at the time.

          • Christina says:

            I was kinda going with the black girl boob’s boyfriend would be the “black guy” he wants to make cry.

  23. I really think that says jerk off with candle. I’m calling in an Olympic judge.

    • Andy says:

      There IS something wrong there! I don’t think it’s candle, upon close inspection it’s spelled canble. If it is candle, that sounds pretty kinky. Kids are so high-tech these days.

      • BrandyS says:

        At first glance I thought it said cambell… like cambells soup. then i thought there’s no way a 14yrold could be so masochistic. canble…. cable… maybe it’s a girls name? lol

  24. BrandyS says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….. oh wait… i have a son who will soon be 14… im sure my husband will encourage this behavior lol. this is hilarious.

  25. I grew up as the only girl amongst 3 brothers. So sadly, nothing on this list shocks me. The depths of male teenage depravity are inspiring to say the least.

    I do have to wonder though, is a British chick’s ass really all that different from an American or Canadian ass? Really?

  26. Oh my word. Hysterical! And as the mother of a 10year old boy, a little terrifying. πŸ˜‰

    • Andy says:

      Aw, it’s not so bad. But the “he’s growing up so fast” factor as a little juice to the emotional response I think. Which I’m feeling too as the father of three boys (two in going through puberty).

  27. This all reminds me of the first episode of the “return” of Beavis & Butthead.
    Beavis: I have a rule. Everyday, I have to touch a woman’s boob, and it can’t be my Mom.
    Butthead: Huh huh. I have the same rule. And it can be your Mom.

    (And this is even funnier when I imagine the conversation with my son as Beavis, and me as Butthead.)

  28. Teenagers frighten & confuse me. The fact that I’ll have 2 of them at the same time (1 boy, 1 girl), may make my head implode.

  29. Teri says:

    That is awesome thanks for the laugh I have 2 brothers, 2 sons and 4 grandsons and could imagine each one of the writing something crazy like the above. Although it’s a hot mess to an adult at least he was doing some thinking instead of staring mindlessly at the TV! πŸ™‚ Way to go 14yr old dude!

  30. mc. titties says:

    ooohh even though im a girl i would love to do all those things.. mmm black chicks have the biggest titties!!! and im british *wink *wink

  31. Kari says:

    That is hilarious! As a mom to three boys (12, 14, 19) it makes me curious as to what would be on their bucket lists…I probably don’t want to know!

  32. Clearly, it pays to have goals and aim high!

  33. Oh crap. I have a 14-year old boy. We might have to have a bucket ransack this weekend….

  34. DandZs Mom says:

    The only thing I found “alarming” was “make the black guy cry.” What’s up with that???

    • Andy says:

      I found out later that “the black guy” was the school bully. A brutally violent one. That line item took on a depth I never expected it to.

  35. Florencia says:

    In don’t know how you fine this funny. Is insulting and demeaning. Regare les if the black guy id a bullying or not, this little guy needs some guidance

  36. Ebony says:

    It’d sure be nice if touching black tits wasn’t on this list. Personally I’m over being exoticized like touching a zebra at the zoo. 14 or not as a black woman I’m bothered by that.

  37. Hooleea says:

    Wow. As the mother of two boys, I can hardly wait.

  38. Mimi says:

    I currently have 2 young boys (18 months and 4 years old), and this makes me scurred. Especially thinking back on my high school experiences with boys. Yeeesh.

  39. hockey goalie says:

    I love that Rammstein made the list! He’s obviously a good kid. I missed seeing R+ (a second time) two years ago. Why??? My son was born. Fair trade.

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