How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Criminal vs. Baby

Posted by , under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS


Criminal vs Baby They're So Alike
 

[ click the image to enlarge ]

You ask your dearest, “Hon, have you seen my phone?” When you get the casual “no” reply, you hunt around a bit or tear the place apart. Hm. It’ll turn up, you think. You must have left it on silent-mode somewhere odd and forgotten. When you do finally find it in the toy box, you tell yourself it’s no wonder. It has bright lights and makes bleepy sounds. Of course the baby would be fascinated by it.

Then you find some poorly-opened snack wrappers discarded on the kitchen floor. Okaaaay. Just hungry is all. Mental note taken, the little one’s appetite is growing. No biggie. But then you come home to discover crayon tagging on the living room walls, followed by a diaper change that remarkably reminds you of an episode of Cops, the one with the PCP perp that took eight officers to bring down, and you finish the evening off by running riot control on several crib jail-break attempts.

You don’t want to believe it. How could someone so little and cute and sweet be so callously destructive and defiant? Not wanting to admit the answer, you make excuses. About how keys tinkle so pleasantly, how fun it must be to draw on big open surfaces like walls and carpet, and how remote controls left out are just begging to be relocated into a toilet bowl.

Deep down, you know. But still you tell yourself that you’re being unfair and untrusting, possibly even paranoid. But too many things have happened too many times now. Crimes.

It’s true. You admit it. Your baby is a criminal.

* Simply because babies and toddlers start off with a striking resemblance to a common criminal does not mean your child is destined for a life of crime. Just remember that patience and love are the best warden for your lovable little crook. And an occasionally drive alone for a good scream in your car doesn’t hurt either.

 

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26 Comments

26 Responses to “Criminal vs. Baby”

  1. Monica says:

    LOVE, LOVE, & LOVE!!! This is so true and the descriptions are spot on. Love the “Spends lots of time behind bars” My son loves to steal everything. He is just tall enought to start reaching things. While I am getting ready in the morning, he comes up and reaches at the sink and will grab my hairbrush and then laugh while he runs down the hall with it. He ALWAYS finds my cell phone even when it’s not lost. He loves my keys too. Also, when my son is tired, he even walks like he is drunk. hehe.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! It’s like family albums are just an evolution of mug shots! My littlest one used to steal and then tell me about it. Then he started leading me to the hidden item and “discover” it, as if someone else put it there. Now he’s a pro. He just steals and hides the stuff and has these big eyes of total innocence. :)

  2. Catherine says:

    Ha ha HA! This Is Awesome. Going to look for it on Twitter and RT!

  3. Amazing as usual. Especially the “hopeless kleptomaniac” part. Like my poor son…no matter what, he always feels he needs to be stealing toilet paper. Leave him alone for a bit too long and… http://flic.kr/p/aDwPT3

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! Theft AND destruction of property. Doesn’t seem like too much until, one groggy morning, sitting on the john, you reach out… UH OH! Ha ha ha ha ha!

  4. Stephanie K. says:

    Hahahaha yes!!! Reminds me of this:

    http://thestir.cafemom.com/toddler/135329/toddlers_rules_of_possession_put

    Little kleptos…

  5. Sara says:

    I lost my wallet with $700 in it. I needed cash so went to my neice’s piggy bank to borrow $20. She had a few $20 laying there. It still didn’t click. A few days later I was putting her to bed, my wallet was under the covers but missing $100. She got tired of putting it in the bank and left the others in the cabinet. She’s 4 and likes putting $ in the bank, which is good, just asked her to please ask next time so I don’t freak out!

    • Andy says:

      Holy grand grand, Batman! Ha ha ha! I love that she got tired of stuffing her stolen loot into the bank! Precious.

    • J.W. Hoag says:

      My wife and I woke up one morning when my oldest was about a year and a half to find $800 dollars missing out of my wife purse. Our rent. We tour the apartment apart looking for it, spent over two hours trying to hunt it down! Eventually we discovered it in the most obvious place…. The trash.

  6. Laurie says:

    This blog is constantly telling me all the crazy things I have to look forward to..I can’t wait!

  7. Julia says:

    Haha this is cute…!

  8. Rita Arens says:

    Hey, those are good skillz.

  9. Tim says:

    Far out, this is funny and true. Props to the artist once again, I love these.

  10. MasterTsukai says:

    hahahaha really good! there must be a diagram about waiter vs baby… both do whatever they want, they listen what they want to, they bring to you what they want to… and you need to praise them IF you want to be treated as you deserve hahaha

  11. Marcus says:

    Well done. :D

    I examined the picture to figure out what crimes the two perps are engaged in. The baby appears to be engaged in cookie jar larceny. The criminal is…a homeless guy playing cat’s cradle with a USB cable?

  12. Mandey says:

    We always say our boys are going to be bank robbers. They are so sneaky and have freakish abilities to figure out knobs/locks/levers/etc. And the little jerks know the best time to do these things is when I’m in the bathroom. When they turn up on the evening news someday I won’t be at all surprised.

  13. Spoiled Mum says:

    “Shifty eyes, false look of innocence, ready lies or blame others…” Thank you for this hilarious piece. I can totally relate this article to my toddler boy! ;)

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