How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 4 of 5)

Posted by on April 26th, 2012, under NOTEBOOK

50 ways to nudge your lover part 4


 
WARNING: I’m back at it again. People still want to have sex and that’s not my fault. Kids wake up or the daily grind gets in the way. Don’t be mad at me because I’m offering sex advice or because I’m dumb. I had a school desk dropped on my head when I was young. And that’s all I have to say about that.


I will continue writing these tips so long as people are still interested in getting sex going! Or until I hit 50 tips. Whichever comes first. The last set of ten tips was directed at women trying to light a fire under their man’s pants, or inside it at least, to get back some of that lovin’ feeling. But we’re back to men now. Soooo…

Here goes the next installment!

A New Outfit
Photo and costume design by the
rockstar known as Sewing Cafe

#31 A New Outfit

When she unwraps the tissue paper, stand back. Results may vary. You’ve bought her a costume! Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, dirty Pocahontas, a slutty meter maid, whatever the costume store has for women, they’re pretty much all slutty. She might not wear it, but she will certainly understand that Tarzan wants to swing in Jane’s jungle.
 


 

#32 Sexual Healing

A little while after complaining of a twitch in your muscles, tell her that it just reminded you of an article you read that said backed-up semen can cause muscle twitches and ultimately lead to cancer. Don’t worry. If she goes on the Internet to verify this, she will find it. The Internet now has every kind of bullsh*t that can be conceived.
 


 

#33 Movie Moments

The power of film is undeniable. You can unleash that power by recreating it. Beware though, it is awesome, skin may be clawed with passion. If your girl is sweet on films like Sixteen Candles, after the little one has finally passed out, put on the song If You Were Here and just sit on your dining room table with a burning cake between your legs. Or if your girl is more into a film like Ghost, put on Unchained Melody from the Righteous Bros., glue a penny to your finger and walk towards her slowly and purposefully. You will not believe the reaction.
 


 

#34 Standup Comedy

Sometimes the best prelude to foreplay (fore-foreplay?) is laughter. Most one-liners will sound like cheesy pick-up lines that would make most women itch to face-punch someone, but when you’re well passed the point of pick-up lines and dating, it’s comedy. “I DON’T have a pistol in my pocket, I am just happy to see you.” Taking off your clothes, you say, “Wow! Is it hot in here!?! Or is it just you?” If you don’t get any laughs, or worse, get the I-am-not-amused stare, tap your crotch and say “(Thump thump thump) Is this thing on?”
 


 

#35 Cootie Catcher

Remember? This is a game kids create out of folded paper that tells your fortune. One player asks a question, and the other finds the answer by manipulating the cootie catcher’s shape. But when you create the cootie catcher, write “You will have sex tonight” as every option, for every question. She’ll know you’ve got a bad case of cooties that you’re dying to share with her.
 


 

#36 Fortune Cookies

Speaking of fortune telling! Get a little arts-and-craftsie here. Order Chinese, but set it up by putting a set of tweezers to good use and replace the fortune with a custom message. “Tonight you will have wild sex.” Someone might just get Mu Shu Porked tonight. In bed.
 

Play Barry White so you can get enough of her love, babe
 

#37 The International Language of Barry White

Il n’a pas d’importance quelle langue vous parlez.
Non importa che lingua parlano entrambi.
Es spielt keine Rolle, welche Sprache Sie beide sprechen.
No importa qué idioma hable tanto.
It doesn’t matter what language you both speak. BARRY WHITE!
 


 

#38 Actual Dirty Dancing

Sign up for dance lessons. Trust! There are so many provocative styles out there to choose from, traditional styles of sensuality in motion. BUT! There’s also Dirty Dancing, the Lamabada and other naughty dance maneuvers you gan get your groove into. When you’re practicing, just look in a mirror and tilt your head to the side, if it looks like you’re making stylish love, then you’re on the right track. You’ll probably wind up dancing the horizontal mambo, or if you’re into it, the conga line for two.
 


 

#39 Choreplay

Reasearch has shown that some moms that want to jump off a bridge because of all the work and mothering they have to do experience an upsurge in sexual… willingness, when they get help from their man. Dishes, trash, cleaning, diaper changes, anything! They want a break from the wanting-to-jump-off-a-bridge-ness of it all. Give it to them! Have a look at the last segment in a Spicemance video we created that gives a pointer to men. Who want sex.
 


 

#40 Puppet Show?

Yes. Everyone loves a puppet show, right? Grab a cardboard box and three socks. Cut out a hole in both sides and the bottom of a box that will easily fit on your lap. Use a magic marker to put eyes on the actors of the play, dress them up as you see fit. Even if it doesn’t result in sex, as long as your star performer can stand up on stage, you’ll have a life memory between the two of you.
 

Aaaaaaaaand I’m done. For now. Sorry about that. Until the next time, of course. Please post your hate mail in the comments below.

-Andy

Andy is dumb. Don’t listen to him if you want to maintain your relationship or want to ever have sex again.

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Our Instructional Diagrams
These will be much smarter than this super dumb set of tips. And that’s saying a lot. Because these are really dumb, too.
 

24 Comments

24 Responses to “50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 4 of 5)”

  1. Monica says:

    I would never post Hate Mail, but these are my faves so far. I actually laughed out loud at these (luckily no one else was at work yet). I am kinda sad that we have to stop at 50. Also, Choreplay works great for me cuz I am always in a better mood with a clean house.

    PS- I love that while this is HowToBeADad.com, you have material for us moms too and you make us all laugh. Thanks for the laughter cuz some days I need it.

    • Andy says:

      RAD!!! Ha ha! Every time I make someone laugh and wake up their baby or get funny frowns at work, is a good day for me. Sorry! (Not really sorry though)

      Re: our name. It’s a total joke, we always intended to be a site for PARENTS and actually close to 60% of our audience is moms/women. So I’m super glad you saw past the name and found a home here. ENJOY!

  2. Lucas says:

    Andy-
    For #34.. not “fore-foreplay” my friend. It’s called “Beforeplay.” :)

  3. Stephanie K. says:

    This is definitely my favorite set so far as well! Stand up comedian and puppet show – OMG! I don’t know that anything other than hysterical laughing would result from those two for me, but worth a shot, right!!? I’m sending Jon the link to this to make SURE he reads it hahahaha!!!

    • Andy says:

      Whoa! Really!?! RAD!!!! I thought the series was running out of steam and I caught in the blackhole of The Sequel Decay, where each sequel gets shittier and shittier. It’s hard to tell sometimes about your own writing, so thanks for the reassurance. :)

  4. Greg says:

    I’m pretty sure “Read these 50 tips together” should be one of the tips. Has it been mentioned yet? Maybe it’ll be #41?

    • Andy says:

      Not a bad idea, not bad at all! Maybe in the last post in the series I’ll do a numbered recap with just the titles and really short descriptions.

  5. Katie P says:

    Bwahahahahaha! The puppet show is the funniest/creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. My husband would definitely get laid on fun points alone.
    So funny! Love these. :)

  6. Laurie says:

    Love you Andy, these are so great! Personally I am DYING laughing at “dirty Pocahontas” for some reason that kills me!

    • Andy says:

      Awwwwww! You have no idea how much this means to me to hear. For some reason I was really unsure about this set. Thanks for dying of laughter! :)

  7. Lee says:

    These all made me laugh out loud! My kids kept asking what was so funny, but of course, I couldn’t explain it to them.

  8. Pam says:

    HAHAHA!!!!

  9. DSP Dixie says:

    You had me at “a new outfit”!

  10. Christina says:

    Loved the comedian one. It does actually work…for my husband at least. I’m going to have to tell him to try the mic check if it isn’t working, though lol.

    Several of these had me giggling. I need to share this with him!

    And the dancing lessons thing would so have me clawing to get his clothes off.

  11. simpkia says:

    the sad thing is the only thing i recognised in this series of tips was the “I-am-not-amused stare” mentioned in no. 34. Is it wrong that the “thump thump thump” is the only thing i’ve got going for me…?

  12. MotherDuck says:

    Hooray to #33!!!!!! ;)
    A girl can dream.

  13. memugking says:

    Doing chores doesn’t help me much!

    Hilarious stuff. Keep it coming!

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