How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

New Hazard Signs for Parents

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New Hazard Warning Signs for Parents

Anything in life is dangerous. Parenting is no exception, in fact, it’s more like a lens that magnifies danger by a factor of a bazillion. For those of you not familiar with the numeric value of a “bazillion,” just know that it’s about three quarters of a double infinity.

Don’t worry! We’re not trying to scare you or teach you horrible fake math. We’re here to reassure and prepare you. Because anything is less dangerous when there are lots of warning signs posted… oh… uhhhhh, not very often actually, if we’re being honest. Hey! At least we can kid ourselves! There’s still self delusion left, when Reality strips you naked and kicks you out of the locker room of your dreams into the hallway of life, right?

We need some sleep. How ’bout you?

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Safety first.

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29 Comments

29 Responses to “New Hazard Signs for Parents”

  1. Ha! I’m pretty sure Monsieur wishes he had the baby buckle one to hang on the window of the car. It’s so stressful when someone starts waiting for your parking spot and your fingers just can’t get the stupid buckle pieces aligned fast enough and without drawing blood!

    • andy says:

      Exactly! I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve pinched myself strapping in the lads. Yikes!

      • Coco Cana says:

        I am currently nursing a HUGE gash out of the inside of my finger from the darn seat belt! The flap-of-skin kind that is perma-blood stained. I may have even said “owww, crap!” in front of my toddler after I did it because it hurt so bad. OK, it was the “f” bomb. There, I said it.

        • Andy says:

          Yikes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Accidental f-bombing is unfortunately a speciality of mine.

        • Amber says:

          WHAT? You dropped the f-bomb in front of your child? I’ve NEVER done that. Ever…I’m also the biggest liar ever. I think my 5 year old dropped his first f-bomb when he was like a year old…mommy has a potty mouth. A big potty mouth. I am shamed.

  2. Monica says:

    I am pretty confident the Cuteness Overdose Hazard should go on a onesie. Also, the Some Assembly Required should read “Master’s Degree In Engineering Required” as anything less makes you feel like a complete and utter moron for not being able to figure out a child’s toy. =)

    • andy says:

      :) I’m glad you liked that one. Yeah, they should have special college courses in dismantling packing and engineering courses like you mentioned.

  3. Chris says:

    Can I get the Assembly Required sign in t-shirt? For Dads who seriously lack sleep?

    By wife edict, I am now limited to moving boxes from here to there. Forbidden to assemble anything until further notice.

    One manly “I got it, Honey” and a condescending “sure, you can go out with your girlfriend” later, the cursed purchase (certain Swedish Store) did not fare well. Fair to say it ended up looking like a cross between a Jackson Pollack painting and upside down box truck.

    Argh.

    • andy says:

      Ha ha! T-shirt? Seriously? Rad. We’ll try to get on that.

      Oh I know where you where shopping and what you tried to assemble. It was the Fük Mylif unit, wasn’t it?

      • Chris says:

        Yup. I got the `Fük Mylif ` unit with the `göd this bløws` sofa bed.

        Humble suggestion: make a column on the all stupid shïT Dads wrote, said said or did on the account of sleep deprivation.

        It’s ought to be juicy.

  4. MotherDuck says:

    The one in the middle is why legos are banned in my house.

    • andy says:

      Yeah, we’ve got the big block version in ours, which are more rounded. But if you apply enough pressure to the arch of the foot, anything can hurt when you step on it. ;)

  5. Surfer Jay says:

    You must have accidently left out the avoid mother in law at all costs sign.

  6. Phil says:

    Or a “CD on repeat” warning, that you may be forced against your will to listen to the same music over. And over. And over.

    Currently we are listening to a wretched holiday CD recorded by kids. I think it was digitally engineered to contain constant, chalkboard-nail-esque droning. This one may just do me in. *shudder*

    • andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! OHMYGODYES!!! I’ve even found that the damn songs get stuck in my head like the mind-bending CD set to repeat has transfer to a mental loop of doom in my head. “This is the song, this is the song!…” ARG!!!!

    • Natalia says:

      Sadest part is when you end up singing or huming that song with your partner and smile with complicity… only to find out your kid is not at home, neither with you at the restaurant. God, those songs really get stuck in your head and your life!!!

  7. Tommy says:

    LOL..I could use the sharp toy zone sign nightly. Great stuff!

  8. Desiree says:

    I want one for kids who’ve been given sugar recently. There needs to be some way to mark a sugar-crazed child so that the remainder of the playground doesn’t feel the pain.

  9. Kerry W. says:

    Love it! Would it be okay if I used the middle one as a FaceBook user pic? It sums up a big part of my life these days, or at least my living room.

  10. James says:

    Every time I see the ‘Mindless Kid’s Show Hazard’ I weep with laughter. My eldest son watches a particular British TV program with an over ubiquitous presenter, who I’m sure is a very nice person, but I tire of his presenting style, this not being helped by his continual presence of our tellies. Thank you and keep it up.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! I was laughing when I was creating it. Ha ha ha! I know I’m on the right track when I’m laughing at my own stuff. I’m glad you liked that one too!

  11. alkd says:

    I wish I could buy one or two of these! Your warning signs are the best.

  12. Natalia says:

    Great work guys! You should also include a sign on the dangers of crayons/colors/seals. They pose a treath to your integrity and that of your belongings. And maybe our kids using our cell phones as their own video/game store in several extreme situations (while feeding, in the street, IN THE BATHROOM, etc) deserves a risk prevention sign.

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