How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The Calories Burned by Parenting


Parenting Calorie Counter Holidays

It’s the holidays. Yay!

We’ve all been double-fisting massive quantities of amazing food into our faces. Waistbands are beginning to groan in protest of the holiday splurging. Maybe some of us have nursed our guilt hangovers with super-protein-food-green-substance drinks, or spritzes of vinaigrette instead of avalanches of blue cheese dressing, it doesn’t matter. You get the point. There’s always a moment where an adult starts to calculate the ratio of pleasure at the joys of Journeying to the Center of the Dinner Table against the pain of working it off or dealing with all the additional weight and the expense of a new, “roomier” wardrobe.

This chart may go a long way toward relieving some of that guilt for parents. Parents have kids, you see. And kids are pretty rich sources of guilt already. So, additional sources of guilt like holiday nomming are just really not necessary. But! Having kids is conveniently also a kind of weight-loss bootcamp all by itself!

It’s not an official Olympic sport yet, but we believe that if sex can be classed as a kind of exercise, that parenting sure as shhhhhhhhh-igure skating can, too.

Enjoy the holidays! That’s what they’re for. Right?


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50 Responses to “The Calories Burned by Parenting”

  1. Braindonkey says:

    Most of those calories are due to stress, Rofl. I’m now on lexapro…

    This reminds me of an idea I had for a real life roll playing game, scoring events of your kid’s life. Like 4square but for parent dorks, instead of hipster dorks. Actually like dungeons and dragons. Level up.

  2. where does finding an official bin laden licensed dildo in your kid’s junk drawer drawer fit into this chart? Just wondering, you know, So i can prepare for the worst.

    • charlie says:

      Way to combine the worst possible outcomes. Life: Failing at it (101).

    • andy says:

      When you start combining these things, I’m pretty sure addition isn’t relevant. You’re get into multiplication of calorie burning.

      We didn’t put in any coronary failure warnings because scaring the crap out of people seemed out of keeping with the spirit of the holidays.

  3. Butt piss? So THAT’S what it’s called!

    I always called it “butt juice”, glad there is a more sophisticated name for it. πŸ˜‰

  4. Erika says:

    Don’t forget removing toys from its package. With all of the packaging & twist ties…exhausted just thinking about that coming up.

    • Mel says:

      When they’re hovering over, hyped up on Christmas excitement/stupid-Santa-put-candy-in-the-stocking-again-sugar-high, its soooooo hard to open them fast enough, so we ask Santa to pre-open presents, remove all those stupid twisty things ( and worse- the ones that need a screwdriver to get it out of the box) and put them back in the box before he wraps them

      • andy says:

        Been there. You get good at handling that stuff without completely thrashing the packaging so it doesn’t look like you picked it up used from some needy family donation center. :/

    • andy says:

      Urg! Toy Assembly/Packaging Opening is a real calorie burner for sure. These days it seems like packaging was conceive by the geniuses at the U.S. Homeland Security headquarters. Ridiculous.

  5. “What’s a dildo mean” — BAAAAAA HAA HAA HA HAA.

    Remind me some time to tell you the story about how my son’s fished our dildo out of the drawer and took it to my mother-in-law to ask, “Grandma?!? What’s THIS?!?!” — right in front of me.

    How many parenting calories did that burn, would you estimate?

    • andy says:

      Now is “sometime.” I’m reminding you now to tell us that story in every milli-metric detail! NOW!!! LMFDO!

      • HAA haa.. weeeeelll, not much more to it than that. I’d just come home from work and Grandma (the babysitter) was wrapping up to leave. I sat down on a chair in my bedroom to take a load off, with the kids crawling all over me as per usual after a long day of being gone. Grandma came in to tell me about the day’s potty-training efforts, and while I was distracted talking to her, the children quietly snuck away to rummage through my nightstand until they found something *interesting*, and then shoved inbetween Grandma and I, waiving my toy in the air shouting, “Grandma, Grandma?!? What’s THIS?!?”

        She just yelped, “Boys! Put that away!”

        I almost thought my MIL would die of humiliation. I almost thought I would too. I don’t think we made eye contact for about 2 months after that.

        But I know that she’s owned a toy or two in her lifetime because my husband found them in HER drawers when she was a kid. Now I know where my nosy children get it from. πŸ™‚

        Now, I’m still waiting to hear how many parenting calories that burned?

        • andy says:

          I’m going to guesstimate 7,500 give or take a few calories. On account of the presence of Grandma (MIL Grandma at that!) and because of the two minutes of cardiowkwardness that ensued. Even if you knew she once owned a gas-powered double-barreled orgasmotron, 7,500. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  6. Military Dad says:

    I knew that changing a butt-piss diaper one handed while administering medicine in the car on the way to prom was going to pay off one day. Sweet!

    • andy says:

      You’ve gotta look like the Incredible Hulk after pulling that one. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    • Christina says:

      I’m concerned about the Prom + butt piss diaper…

      Should your kid be going to prom if your still changing his/her diaper?

      • andy says:

        Yeah, I’m passed caring on the buttpiss, but the Prom… Thank god I don’t have a daughter! I’d wind up stalking her and her date. For some reason I’ve got a whopping double standard on my boys, so it’s not as nerve-racking to think about as is to imagine a daughter going off into the world.

  7. MotherDuck says:

    Child looking for a missing toy under Hotel room bed and coming up with a used sex toy saying “What’s this?” = 5,000,000 calories

    This happened.

  8. MotherDuck says:

    And let me clarify, it was not mine.

    • andy says:

      Totally. We all totally believe you. A “friend’s” right? And it was really just a “personal massager,” for like carpel tunnel or something I imagine. One of the high-end ones with the special nerve-cluster shiatsu attachments, right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

      • MotherDuck says:

        First of all you seem far too versed in personal vibrators.

        Secondly, I honestly wish it was mine. Having your 4 year old come out with someone else’s anal sex toy is ArMOMgeddon and I spent the next half an hour scrubbing hands and the half hour after that, yelling at Housekeeping.

  9. 396 Shares on Facebook. Just saying. I am friends with famous people.

  10. Monica says:

    You missed the worst question that every parent dreads, “Where do babies come from?” “From Mommy’s belly” seems safe until they come back with “How do they get there?”

    What’s great is there is SOOOOO much you can add to a post like this one, just sad you missed such a Big One to “Being Asked”

    Funny story, While I was preggo, my neice thought that meant everyone had a baby in their belly. She would rub my belly and “Kiss” the baby and then do the same to my hubby. One day though, she asked her mommy if she had a baby in her belly and trying to be sarcastic, she said “Yeah” so her daughter started cheering and singing that mommy has a baby in her belly. When she tried to explain that she was being sarcastic, I made sure to point out that little ears don’t understand sarcasm.

    • andy says:

      We figured that the Dildo question wrapped up the asnwer to “Where do babies come from question?” (sex) in a more alarming fashion. Some parents don’t have an issue with talking to their kids about sex, it’s part of their job of preparing them for life and the world. Buuuuuuuut, sex toys don’t necessarily fall under the expected job description of parenting. πŸ˜‰

      Re: funny story. Ha ha ha ha ha! Sarcasm FAIL.

      • Monica says:

        Well, I don’t want to have to deal with ANY of the sex talks. I dread those like going swimming with sharks or walking into a million spider webs. I figure the Dildo question isn’t something everyone deals with but the Baby question is almost a given.

        Sarcasm pretty much NEVER works on little ones. I love being sarcastic, but even I know it doesn’t usually go over well with kids.

  11. Christina says:

    Pretty certain my waistband has expanded, but I seriously doubt holiday fare had much to do with it…

    I have 5 more weeks til I reach the finale of the “Best weight loss plan ever” (as my husband loves to refer to it)!!! I’m sure I’ll burn 750,000+ calories and lose about 25 lbs all in one day! And then my husband can go back to having the biggest gut =D

    I loved the caloric plan – i especially loved the not trying for baby vs trying for baby…

    However, you totally forgot cleaning up after baby! Especially after meal time, lol.

    • andy says:

      CONGRATULATIONS! Made my day to hear this. I’m a sentimental goober. πŸ™‚

      Ha ha ha ha! We didn’t forget much actually, but when the list started spinning out of control, we had to draw a line or people would have been overloaded.

  12. Elaine says:

    I just found this website and have been reading all the posts to my husband because he is not an internet nerd like me. I have actually been asked what dildo means by a five year old that I used to nanny because her 13-year-old brother called me a dildo.
    This is the same little girl that got mad at her older brother and said, “You’re a stupid blowjob!” so I asked her if she knew what that meant….which was really stupid of me because then I had to try and explain myself out of that one as PG as I could. Oh kids.

  13. andy says:

    Whoa! That’s the most amazing thing I’ve heard all week. WOW! I’ve got a sailor mouth at times and it never even occurred to me to call someone a blowjob. Ha ha ha ha ha! I see its potential application in vulgar speech as a more harsh way of saying someone is a kissass. πŸ˜‰ “Yeah yeah yeah, you say it’s your favorite but you just sound like a blowjob”

  14. Lina says:

    You could always answer, in response to the dildo question, that “Dildo” is the name of a town in Canada, along with a nearby island (you won’t be lying:,_nl).

    If the actual object is found by little hands, you could always try to pass it off as a small model of the island, itself. If it also happens to be a vibrator, umm… the island has a lot of earthquakes? Mommies feel bad for the earthquake-ravaged Dildonians, and keep buying small replicas of their island to support the relief fund?

  15. Steve says:

    “The alter”?

    Surely “the altar”

  16. Maggie says:

    OMG so funny!!! I absolutely LOVE your blog!!!

  17. James says:

    You could have a whole section on breaking up arguments/fights between kids – less for two girls, loads of extra calories for two sons (….oh yeah that’s also a heads up BTW) and a bucket load for between your kids and other people’s kids (The parents are nice but the kids don’t get on with yours) at birthday parties (and the resultant minus scores for stress eating the nachos)

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