How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Part Deuce! Types of Diaper Loads

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Types of Diaper Loads Part Deuce (Pt 2)

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Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Of course, we’re going to do an Instructional Diagram about poop before the biggest eating holiday on Earth. We’re dads. Which means we’re men who are in the possession of babies. Do the math. It all equals poop jokes.

We always knew that our original Types of Diaper Loads (The Truth) was by no means a complete list and, judging from our beloved readers’ responses, we found that these poopy jokes could go on for pages and pages. Literally. We have the notes to prove it. Is there a Master’s Degree in poopology? Well, we’ve earned it. And you’re well on your way.

We figure that as long as babies keep crappin’, and our readers keep clappin’, we’ll keep them coming. Happy Thanks-for-eating-and-then-collapsing/puking-on-my-lawn Day!

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75 Comments

75 Responses to “Part Deuce! Types of Diaper Loads”

  1. Mary says:

    The most popular ones at my house are the Outbreak Monkey and the Full Frontal. So glad my kids don’t eat beets.

  2. Isaac says:

    The Force will be with you, always. You’ve done well Lords of the Sithed onezie. I can’t wait for the potty training editions of where’s the poop

  3. Mary says:

    On several occasions my kids have surprised me with perfectly round pooh spheres, and one time when I was removing the diaper the pooh ball rolled right out of there! Note: if the kiddo has a chance to sit down before you can change one of these diapers, the pooh ball becomes a pooh patty.

  4. Stacey says:

    I should be slightly disgusted as I’m reading this at work, lunch in hand…instead I am applauding and laughing hysterically.

    [Sends email with link to entire office, who are also on lunch and all eating at their desks]

    • andy says:

      Ha ha! That’s amazing. Thanks for sharing!!! We like to think that we’ve got a knack for displaying things that are disgusting in such a light and approachable way that people aren’t sickened by them. ;)

  5. Chris says:

    The “Outbreak Monkey” made me honestly LOL.

    (and pssst – Barney has a pear shape. Although a pair of Barneys could have a pear shape.)

  6. ……Outbreak Monkey is the worst!!!

  7. Kit says:

    @ Mary- you are sooo right!!
    HTBAD- Yes, yes, please keep them comin!! I love it and find myself shaking my head when i see one i’ve come across on my 2nd son (i’ve since blocked out the first son’s). But I will say that although it’s a major pain to clean the full frontal off a boy with all the creases and such…i can imagine its MUCH worse with a girl!

  8. Military Dad says:

    I have to agree with the Outbreak Monkey being the worst. You have about 30 seconds to discover it and wipe out all traces before it turns into a full blown diaper rash.

  9. Christina says:

    I’m ashamed to say, I’ve seen the Diaper Activity Center countless times.

    Each occurrence results in a change of bedsheets and a scouring of the crib >.<

    My mother has no idea what to tell me as none of her kids liked art in their diaper.

    But alas, I do know… and now the Poopy Monster spends night time and nap time in his "bedtime shoes" – Footy Pajamas. Padlocked.

  10. Manda says:

    Is the Time Bomb akin to the “action shots” my daughter keeps gracing us with?
    You open up a wet diaper, relieved to find only pee despite the unruly smell that was emanating from her. You turn to grab the wipes, come back and there it is, slowly slithering onto the freshly washed changing table pad and all you can do is wait until she’s done.
    *sigh*

  11. beta dad says:

    My kids have named some of the different types of poops they have. “Humongous poop” is a standard; and recent additions include “castle poop,” which they made up after a day making sand castles at the beach, and “contrail poop,” in honor of their interest in airplanes. I know. They should really be potty trained by now.

  12. Danielle says:

    Mary beat me to the “Poo Patty” comment. Changed one today that was perfectly round and totally equal thickness. I was quite impressed with my little girl’s performance.

  13. The full frontal poop is called the, “AW MAN! YOU GOT POOP ON YOUR JUNK AGAIN!” poop. I’m very familiar with it.

    Also “The Penny Saved” one, let’s just say that instead of finding a penny, my mom found her gold earring that I ate. She still wears them to this day.

    I should mention that I was 2 at the time.

    • andy says:

      Suuuuuuure you were two! C’mon, you can be honest with us. I eat gold all the time. Ha ha ha ha! Seriously though, that’s pretty epic. Earring’s sound dangerous though.

  14. Julia says:

    Seriously, diapers are so mysterious. My son had carrot poop when he was introduced to carrots. BRIGHT ORANGE. It was terrible.
    Then, when introduced to pumpkin cookies- it became pancake poop. Pancake poop is the best. It doesn’t stick to their butt at all so wiping and finding pieces is kept at a minimum. It’s not messy and seriously resembles a very fluffy pancake.
    Pancake poop is my favorite kind of baby diaper.
    Weird that I have a ‘favorite’, but it’s still amazing.
    I have to say, when they pee so much that their diaper turns into a memory foam pad for their butt, that’s pretty impressive too. Though, not poop related. :)

  15. Michael says:

    We like to call the activity centre examlpe “Poocaso”

    • andy says:

      I love love love that! Brilliant!

    • byeager says:

      I had left my oldest son in his crib to get his bath water ready. Getting back to undress him before his bath, there he was standing up with his diaper off to paint the wall, the crib, and himself with poo.

      Not only that, but his oldest son did the same thing when I was babysitting him.

      Twice in a lifetime seemed more than any mom/grandma deserved!

  16. Adam says:

    My wife made some vegetable patties to feed our son. I’m not allowed to talk about the vegie patties that I find at the change table…
    Am I allowed to mention here the time we had to get a urine sample and after forty minutes of running water and excitement / distraction techniques, ended up first with a large stool sample on the floor, thankfully it was the tiled floor of the bathroom

  17. jahzzie says:

    Oh yes, I am familiar with all of these! With “outbreak monkey” I have to use a packet of oatmeal bath and let her soak in the tub. Calms the owies down from the rash and she’s good until it clears up, usually in 12 hours or less.
    Lately our regular appearance in the diaper has been what I like to call “OMG Stinky Rocks!!” Which like a cross between nuclear nugget and deer poop.
    My daughter is 20 months old and we’ve discovered the joy of nakkie time. At any given time I’ll find her down to her diaper or, if she’s quiet for long enough, before I can catch her, down to nothing. I’ve considered duct tape more than once.
    it won’t stop her, just slow her down.

  18. Kathy says:

    My friend just posted that her new baby just had a poo all the way to the nape of his neck! And it reminded me of this and the first one. My little guy is due in a week…can’t wait to see what he gives me and his daddy!

  19. Daddy again says:

    The Volcano… Occurrs when your baby has been backed up for 3+ days and at the doctor’s recommendation you give your child a suppository. In less than 2 min after inserting you will find out what the Volcano is and realize that a diaper doesn’t stand a chance against the never ending flow.

    • Andy says:

      Ohmygod! Ha ha! I’ll have to check with Lizzie if she’s ever experienced that one. She might not recall though, I think it could be likely for the mind to block something like that out. ;) Ha ha!

  20. charlotte says:

    You must mention the “poonami”, its similar to the volcano described above, but is the “unstoppable wave of poo” that shoots straight out of the back of the nappy, often up to the neck.. and once you’ve identified it you may as well throw those clohes away as that trail of total destruction is never going to come out in the wash..

  21. keisha says:

    I work as an infant teacher at a day school. I think my worst experience was when one of my babies, a 4 month old at the time who uses cloth diapers, had a poo mudslide. Heard the explosion liquidy fart and then it erupted from the back and legs of his pants all over my lap. I couldn’t move because it was so runny that I would have stained surrounding babies who were playing near by. He dripped all down my leggings and dress and my coworker could only stand there in shock. We had to wait for the calamity to subside and then i immediately called in help and went home for a shower. I had to leave the school in just my dress that was too short to wear in public (I always wore the leggings under it) an hold it down as far as I could so i didnt “Merry Christmas” everyone. I wanted to die, but my boss made me clock back in…

  22. Andy says:

    Okay, you need to win some kind of award or something. There has got to be an award for someone who experienced this! Even if there isn’t, you deserve one for dealing with it like a ninja AND just for writing “so I didnt “Merry Christmas” everyone” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! SO BRILLIANT!

  23. Dena says:

    Love the term “poopsplosion”, lol!

    In our household however, it’s “poo-nami”… ;)

  24. Suzie says:

    You should include the first time your child eats a crayon. Yes, it was a red one. I almost had a heart attack.

    • Andy says:

      Yikes! My wife had that reaction with beats. She was actually calling the pediatrician when she finally realized she’d just tried a beat puree meal. Ha ha!

  25. Liz says:

    My heart skipped a beat in terror the time I opened my daughter’s diaper to find the poo full of what appeared to be black beetles. In my sleep deprived stupor I eventually remembered she had eaten black beans for the first time that day…and then learned that the skins just go straight through!

    • Andy says:

      Ohmygod! What a nightmarish visual followed by a perfectly reasonable explanation. Still… I might have some freaky dreams tonight.

  26. Nichole says:

    My son ate raisins a couple of times and his poo was full of rehydrated grapes. It was a poonami!!

    • Andy says:

      “Rehydrated raisins” is both hilarious and nightmarishly gross. I love it! Ha ha ha ha! Lucas is on a grapes kick right now, so the diaper pail is definitely being put to the test. ;)

  27. Josh says:

    We have one type in our house that we call the ‘Nuclear Nugget’. It may only be the size of a half-dollar, but the smell can quickly evacuate a room. Those diapers have to go straight to the dumpster.

  28. trijnewijn says:

    hilarious! Here, I get the full frontal way too much! Usually when my daughter was laying on her back or sitting in her relax, so when I totally wasn’t expecting it. Just one other type: the empty diaper, because you smelled something, followed by a lot of poop while you’re in the middle of replacing the diaper…
    btw: I linked to this post when I blogged about our types of diaper disasters…

    • Andy says:

      Yeah, the empty diaper is a treacherous little booger of a diaper load. You could have SWORN! but no, nothing to show for it. ;) Thanks for the link!

  29. Christina says:

    I think you forgot the “blow-out”
    You know, the one where it blows out of everywhere, out the back, the legs, maybe even the front, and leaves a puddle of poop for you to clean up.

  30. Jason says:

    Just happened across an excellent illustration of a poo-nami. Observe here! http://cheezburger.com/6582760192

  31. Momof2 says:

    The Phantom is what we call it when you can smell it but never appears. Another common one is The Smuggler, the nugget is concealed in the crack. The only way to be sure its not a phantom is to do strip search you will not be able to see it just from peeking down the back of diaper.

  32. Scott says:

    My son used to have what I call “Static Cling” … the poop is almost a a like dust and it clings to his skin and is really difficult to get off. Oh it moves when you try to wipe at it but it just relocates. Its like tiny round magnets pushed around a curved metal surface.

  33. Mrs.McKay says:

    I remembered a few from my first son…a cousin to The Time Bomb is The Shooter. He coughed and then boom, it went shooting like a hose on the wall. Ahh!

    The second one he was famous for was The Espresso Machine: Lots of frothy poo foaming out while I’m changing his diaper.

    Our name for The Outbreak Monkey is “Acid Poo”. It usually shows up when they are teething. Yay!

  34. Joyce says:

    Late to this party…but, our then 18 month old granddaughter was suppose to be napping for her performance as flower girl in her uncle’s wedding. she was artfully painting the mesh sides of the pack and play instead. we had to send the groom to get his own lunch as we cleaned up the little princess.

    When said uncle had his own baby four years later…his baby pooped in the tub but as the parents traded watching him splash, Dad thought they were decorative rocks like the ones in the sink vase. we have never let him live it down.

  35. Nickol says:

    I don’t think ‘Diaper Activity Center’ fully expresses the horror of the budding young artist having used the complete load as finger paint and resulting creative disasterpiece upon whatever unfortunate canvas is happened upon. My personal favorite was the dishwasher.

    • Andy says:

      Of course you’re right, but if I’d made it too accurate it would have also been too horrific for anyone to share. ;)

      Dishwasher? Whoa. I tip my hat to you, good sir. Wow.

  36. Chris says:

    I think my favorite horrific encounter would have to be the “after-bubblebath” Babe is all in fresh diaper, jammies and blanket when the bubbles finally drain away leaving a stinking log of evidence behind. Now we have to wash the tub and the kid all over again! lol :D

  37. BarfDad says:

    Have you ever gotten the projectile poop? Somewhere in the middle of a diaper change, there comes a big sneeze and then the next thing you know is that you’ve got poop on your hand and the changing table. If you’re like my husband, it is at this point where the gag reflex goes to work and you try real hard not to barf on the baby.

    • HazelBroadway says:

      Hahahaha, this reminds me of when my first baby was a newborn. I was in the sleep deprived mode and changing him at some ungodly hour and in my stupor put him down on one of my nice pillows and took off the wet diaper, wiped him, went to grab a new diaper and then all of a sudden he is pooing this gooey oozy poo. I panicked and just cupped my hands under his butt to catch the poo so it wouldn’t get all over the pillow. Then I was just standing there, helplessly confused with cupped hands full of gooey poo!

  38. Cat says:

    Oh wow the time bomb, that was the scariest one ive had. Happened to me for the first time while my little one was 2 weeks old. I was changing him on a mat on the table and it went EVERYWHERE, floor, table, chair, my dressing gown, my legs. Oh and it was bright yellow.
    Im so glad we’re pretty much done with potty training 2 and a half years on! xox

  39. Kevin says:

    While not specifically diaper related, I will always remember a certain grinning four-year-old’s “Bathroom stall, floor, toilet, and legs Creativity Center.” I’m not even sure where it all came from!

  40. Kari says:

    My 2-year-old has lately taken to “fingerpainting” at nap time, all over himself and the window. The upside is that he’s short so we can still easily find onesies for him… he’ll be napping in them until potty-training time!

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