How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

The (Secret) Front-Middle Pocket


The Secret Front Middle Pocket

It’s the secret that everyone knows about. It doesn’t really have an official name because it isn’t spoken of, but if it were given a name it might be humorously called “the hand holster,” “pouch o’ grapes” or the “family jewel vault.” I like to call it simply and plainly the “front-middle pocket” or FMP.

Every pair of men’s or boy’s pants, shorts, breeches, pantaloons, even a diaper, has this pocket. It may not have any special stitching or distinct embroidering to indicate that it’s even there at all. But it’s there alright! This isn’t to say that every male human being walking the Earth uses their FMP, but it does say that, at any moment, they could.

In nearly every culture, use of the FMP is generally frowned upon, but it has its uses. Many a traveler has made good use of the FMP while in foreign lands with dusty little kids that like to bump into tourists and relieve them of the unbearable weight of their wallets. In emergency situations, a man may sacrifice propriety and use the FMP to avoid frostbitten fingers. Similarly, lots of kids have used the FMP on candies that are like tire rubber when cold, and soft when warm (hopefully with the wrapper still on).

Lucas providing real-life demonstrations of
how to properly sport a fully-loaded FMP.

Parents with male babies should therefore not be alarmed if they discover their little ones, like our Lucas, walking around with their hands jammed down the front of their pants or diapers. It’s okay. And even if it isn’t really okay, from a social and sanitary perspective, there’s not a whole lot that can be done about it. The only way you can take away the FMP is by applying a liberal dose of nudity to the little one. Which is cute, but stops being cute once it gets messy. Other means to circumvent use of the FMP may not be advisable, such as stocking the kid’s wardrobe entirely with overalls or duct taping on a pair of boxing gloves.

Just remember as a parent of an FMP-user, that it’s probably best to just let it pass as a phase and stock up on hand sanitizer and wipes in the meantime. If the habit persists passed boyhood, you may want to reconsider the overalls and boxing glove idea.


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Speaking of secrets and diapers…
You’ll see.

But wait…
It gets dumber. As per usual.


32 Responses to “The (Secret) Front-Middle Pocket”

  1. Mary says:

    My son doesn’t seem to have one of those FMPs, but he does seem to have a pocket in the back of his pants. A BMP, perhaps? LOL

    • andy says:

      Ha ha ha! Yes your son does. He’s just not using it. BMP? Wow. Sounds like the stakes are higher with that one. But I’m going to be honest, I rock the BMP every once in a while, but not full emersion. Just kind of hook my hand in the waistband.

    • Mariah says:

      My son uses both, fmp and bmp. Love it, can’t wait for this stage to pass.

  2. Monica says:

    Poor Lucas when he gets older and sees these pics on here. LOL. My son is 10 1/2 months old so he hasn’t found his FMP yet, but right in the middle of Diaper Changes, he goes “exploring” and has an imaginary FMP maybe?? But I am glad to know about the FMP, b/c for some reason it isn’t mentioned in the baby books. Hehe. =)I think after a while of gathering info on your website, you should totally write a book. I would buy it in a heartbeat. (Just a thought)

    • andy says:

      Yeah, Charlie and I have talked about the elation and horror our kids will experience when they go trolling through HTBAD when they’re older. As for Lucas, he’s already quite obviously a true Herald and will be out LOLing any sad faces. πŸ˜‰

      Book, you say? Yeah, we’ve got some stuff in development, but that’s a long haul. We’ll get there. Thanks!

  3. Mavi says:

    OMG! This explains so much! As a mom of a 4yr old boy, I probably say “Get your hands out of your pants” at least 50 times a day! His reply is almost always, “it sticks”.

  4. Jenny says:

    This drives me INSANE. *sigh* Boxing gloves you say?

    • andy says:

      And duct tape. If you just use the laces it’s going to cause circulatory problems. Duct tape.

      also, you can make it fun with those cool Incredible Hulk fists. That way you both get something out of it. πŸ˜‰

  5. MotherDuck says:

    If we stopped “practice time” little boys have with their weewees we wouldn’t get to have such wondrous things as Puppetry of the Penis. I’m just saying…

  6. Katie says:

    Hahaha, I have a picture of my 6 month old doing this! Said he was going as Al Bundy for Halloween

  7. Braindonkey says:

    Not just for boys. My 4yo daughter does this and has since about 2yo. That’s of course when her finger isn’t up her nose.

    • andy says:


      First off: amaaaaaaazing username. Secondly, this is true, girls can make sull use of the FMP as well. But there are some things we can illustrate and write about for boys that just come off as creepy or lewd when the gender is switched. We leave it to our readers, like you, to represent the female side. πŸ˜‰

      • Braindonkey says:

        thanks πŸ˜‰
        Yea. I have been lazy about the future torture/blackmail production on my blog. I might have to do a reference post to this one.

        Short version is this. “why do you have your hands down your pants?” “My crotch is tickly”

        I went and made a scotch in response.

  8. Stephanie K. says:

    Like another parent above said, my little 7 month old boy has begun exploring during diaper changes. In fact, just this morning during a #2 diaper change, he stuck his hand onto his male parts and got a fistful o poop (barf!)!!! Ooooooh pray for me hahaha…..Is it a FMP if his diaper is off?

  9. Surfer Jay says:

    Thats classic. My sister in laws sisters two year old kid…uses her Rear-Middle Pocket, constantly. It’s horrible. And hilarious.

  10. Delia R says:

    I can sadly admit my daughter uses the FMP and the BMP…its embarrassing….I’m glad I’m not alone in this one!:)

  11. Nadjia says:

    Secret to the no FMP STICK – baby powder ! πŸ˜› Kill’s the stick and relief the man !:) U guys are really funni ! I love this as a mom of two – Girl and boy ! THis is genius and true too !! Ur jokes have become our Thursdays joke of the day ! Much love

  12. Steve says:

    Six-year-old boy feeling his testicles: Mom, are these my brains?
    Mom: Not yet, darling.

  13. amber says:

    my son also has the bmp… he used to be an avid user of this pocket… he has grown out of it now… he used to put his toys in there… and if he wasn’t wearing anything he would just try to put said toy in his butt crack…
    as cute and funny as it was (slightly concerning) i am glad the phase has passed

  14. franklin_turtle says:

    Wait, the back middle pocket is standard storage for documents for most males and many females I know. Typically used when your in the field (outside) and need your hands free and need a place to put documents. For example, your at a field day and someone has given handouts and you need to open a gate, fix a fence or anytime you need your hands and what is in them can’t go on the ground and doesn’t fit your other pockets. Mind you it’s not a hand pocket for warming.

  15. Kyle Jenkins says:

    Not a word of lie, I hand a hand in the FMP when I saw this post just now… Busted!

  16. I personally prefer using my fmp when sleeping on my back, so my hand doesn’t flop down from my belly/midsection. Keeps the belly warm, too.

  17. Danielle says:

    My sweet little 2-year-old daughter does this too when relaxing in front of the TV. i honestly don’t know where she gets it from. Not from my husband or myself, and not from the other 3 older kids. It is a phenomenon for sure.

    P.S. Can we just take a moment to appreciate the word “phenomenon”? It always reminds me of Sandra Bullock and the Muppets singing “Mahna mahna”

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