It’s the secret that everyone knows about. It doesn’t really have an official name because it isn’t spoken of, but if it were given a name it might be humorously called “the hand holster,” “pouch o’ grapes” or the “family jewel vault.” I like to call it simply and plainly the “front-middle pocket” or FMP.
Every pair of men’s or boy’s pants, shorts, breeches, pantaloons, even a diaper, has this pocket. It may not have any special stitching or distinct embroidering to indicate that it’s even there at all. But it’s there alright! This isn’t to say that every male human being walking the Earth uses their FMP, but it does say that, at any moment, they could.
In nearly every culture, use of the FMP is generally frowned upon, but it has its uses. Many a traveler has made good use of the FMP while in foreign lands with dusty little kids that like to bump into tourists and relieve them of the unbearable weight of their wallets. In emergency situations, a man may sacrifice propriety and use the FMP to avoid frostbitten fingers. Similarly, lots of kids have used the FMP on candies that are like tire rubber when cold, and soft when warm (hopefully with the wrapper still on).
Parents with male babies should therefore not be alarmed if they discover their little ones, like our Lucas, walking around with their hands jammed down the front of their pants or diapers. It’s okay. And even if it isn’t really okay, from a social and sanitary perspective, there’s not a whole lot that can be done about it. The only way you can take away the FMP is by applying a liberal dose of nudity to the little one. Which is cute, but stops being cute once it gets messy. Other means to circumvent use of the FMP may not be advisable, such as stocking the kid’s wardrobe entirely with overalls or duct taping on a pair of boxing gloves.
Just remember as a parent of an FMP-user, that it’s probably best to just let it pass as a phase and stock up on hand sanitizer and wipes in the meantime. If the habit persists passed boyhood, you may want to reconsider the overalls and boxing glove idea.
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Speaking of secrets and diapers…
It gets dumber. As per usual.