How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Bad Product Idea #5: Tranquoo Child Anti-Wakefulness System


Tranquoo Child Anti-Wakefullness System

[ click the image to enlarge ]

There is nothing more precious, more beautiful, than the image of your child in a deep, restful, rosy-cheeked slumber. But that preciousness and beauty is multiplied by 10,000 when it follows the utter, sanity-testing misery of your child screaming, flailing and refusing to go to sleep for an hour or two or more.

Allow yourself to dream for a moment. It’s okay if you break wind. That just means you’re relaxing and it’s working. Imagine an organic, non-habit forming solution to your restless toddler problems. Tranquoo is the ideal child anti-wakefulness system, using modern technology to provide a silent, accurate way to get a virtually instant parenting break from it all.

Parents know when their kid hits that point where they need to sleep. Or else. And sometimes it seems like the Sandman needs a cue a little stronger than an “eh-hem!” when it comes to the situation. Like a big, purple and green gun shooting him in the face, telling him to come on over and get the #### to work drowning your kid in his sleepy sand! Well, guess what… Your dream just came true. BLING!

It doesn’t matter why. Maybe they’re sugared up on a diabetes-inducing quantity of candy, maybe they’ve just passed that over-tired threshold where non-sleep turns into violent craziness, it doesn’t matter. Tranquoo is there for you.

Don’t get the wrong idea. The makers of Tranquoo love kids. All kids are adorable, when they’re not in the throes of tormented insanity. Our system was developed out of a love of kids and a strong desire for them to stay alive and well-cared for by way of their parents maintaining their sanity.

The sleek design and bright colors of the Tranquoo pneumatic pistol will liven up any diaper bag. And now, with our dosages for teenaged children, Tranquoo can stay a part of your family as it grows up!

Use Tranqoo and you’ll say “Tranq you very much!”


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70 Responses to “Bad Product Idea #5: Tranquoo Child Anti-Wakefulness System”

  1. Monica says:

    I won’t lie, some nights, this would be a dream come true, but could I really shoot my child with a tranq dart? Prolly not which is why this is definately a bad idea.
    I did notice that my 10 month old has developed a system to getting into cardboard and plastic containers from stores. My husband bought new shoelaces and of course they were in plastic and cardboard. My 10 month old drooled on it till it wanted to fall apart. I should do an As Seen on TV ad, they make easy tasks look hard. hehe

    • andy says:

      We’ve all thought about it. For some it’s a magic wand we imagine. For others it’s a button hidden on their backs somewhere. And for others it’s a brightly-colored, tactical pacification armament.

      You should do an As Seen on TV video. Virality is calling you. πŸ˜‰

  2. MotherDuck says:


  3. Haether B says:

    Love it! Laughed my a$$ off. Now I’ll be dreaming of Tranquoo on challenging nights at bedtime…sigh.

  4. I think this is standard practice in Australia, no? Maybe I’m confused by years of watching the Crocodile Hunter. Never mind.

    I do like the packaging of Tranquoo. Made me snicker. And that’s worth every penny of marketing research you boys put into it. Well played gents, well played.

    • andy says:

      Ha ha! Hail to Steve Irwin! Every once in a while I’ll turn to Lizzie, when the lad has a load or we run across some dog “leavings,” and I’ll turn my head to her significantly and say, “Croc poo!!!”

  5. Nia says:

    I totally shot bits grape onto my computer monitor while spluttering with laughter when I read this!

    I think this is the “best” bad product idea yet! πŸ˜€

  6. Manda says:

    My daughter sleeps like that, only she doesn’t have a dart sticking out of her butt and her face is mashed flat into the mattress. LOL

  7. Do you make them for adults? Why should babies get all the sleep?

  8. Maria says:

    Great Christmas present!! LOL

  9. Jamie says:

    hahahahaahahaahha this is simply amazing!

    For Love of Cupcakes

  10. Melinda says:

    I’m an RN, older brother is an MD. I keep trying to convince him that we could make millions with Children’s Chewable Valium (now in gummy chews!)
    When our grandfather was a tot back in Scotland, they sold thus stuff called Gripe Water that was supposed to help with teething. The stuff had gin in it. For reals. This probably explains why they think haggis is edible…
    Well done, again, guys!

    • andy says:

      I believe it! Ha ha! But HEY! I like haggis! And I don’t have the excuse of heavy drink to fall back on.

      Thanks for the compliment. We’ll keep it coming.

    • Loughlan says:

      Saw that in an australian supermarket the other day. Marketed as gripe water.
      Only downside is that it didn’t contain alcohol or sugar. (or so the packaging said)

  11. Mary says:

    This is your best product ever! Wish I had one for real!

    • andy says:

      SOOOOO GLAD! I was a little worried that people might react in an uptight way and say we were being inappropriate or crossing lines. Some people have the sense of humor of a sloth matched with the sensitivity of a Chihuahua that got into a jar of amphetamines. πŸ˜‰

  12. Jennifer says:

    Um. I want gummy Valium. -_-

  13. Michelle says:

    Brilliant πŸ™‚ You crack me up.

  14. cams says:

    this would be more than amazing. it would be LIFE CHANGING.

    great blog, guys. definitely showing my husband!!


  15. Ron says:

    Wait, this is a Bad idea?

  16. “anti-wakefulness” is an awesome term. If this product actually existed, I those are the actual words the company would use to make this seem more PC. Hilarious.

  17. Ichaerus says:

    I could have used this last night. And again at 5:15 this morning…

    • andy says:

      We’d say “we feel your pain” but it’s more like the absence of pain or any any other feeling whatsoever, right? So, we feel your numb woodenness.

  18. Nelle says:

    Love the product warning on the box! Adorable packaging.

    • andy says:

      We knew we needed to cover this image in adorable sauce if the humor of a tranquilizer dart in a baby’s bum was going make people laugh guilt free. πŸ˜‰ Thanks!

  19. Maine Dad says:

    GIVE ME.

  20. Loughlan says:

    I hate you. In my lack of sleep induced stupor I though I had discovered a miracle product that I’d been looking for.

    Please tell me this is a real product. I need my sleep. Make the screaming child be quiet for just a few minutes PLEASE!!!

    • andy says:

      LOL. I hate me too. Up till five am last night. You know that cute holiday song parents sing to their children? “All I want for Christmas is for you to STFU?” Yeah, well maybe it doesn’t exist, but that’s the music industry’s loss. That one would go quintuple platinum!

      • Loughlan says:

        Lol sounds like a winner in this house!
        Just discovered after posting that wifey and baby have gastro. So both are qualified poop and vomit machines.
        First day of my holidays from work, great… Up throughout the night dealing with nuclear poop.

        • andy says:

          >ohgod< (whimper) I've been in there. I want to say that those nights are like burning a candle at both ends, but in this case bodily fluid is being explosively ejected from both ends. Good luck and may the wipes be with you!

  21. Natale says:

    I always thought that either parents should be endowed with at least half of the energy kids come with or tranquilizing them should be legal. This is the perfect product!

  22. caira says:

    This is the greatest bad idea I have ever seen. As I am fond of stating to anyone who will listen; I knew having babies ment a lot less sleep bit not one person informed me that ment TEACHING a tiny person to sleep under their own power!

    • Andy says:

      Right!?! Before I became a father, I thought I was going to have to deal with the little one spinning around like a Tasmanian Devil and then he’d just crash out asleep wherever, tank empty, batteries dead. WTF. It’s one of the oddities of parenting.

  23. Evonne says:

    oh I sooooooooooooooo want this product!!! Mr 3 has decided that afternoon naps are no longer necessary. Mummy does not agree :/ … I think the only peeps that this looks wrong to don’t have young kids/babies around. Or is that just me??

  24. mommytigerwilleaturface says:

    I’d vote for this – mostly for my nine-year-old, who to this day STILL has sleep issues. Why me?? lol

  25. Bri McCloud says:

    you could lull them into complacency by reading “go the F!!K to sleep” then when they arent looking, BAM hit ’em with the dart gun lol. I’m blessed with a good sleeper but my mom could use the economy size of this on her kids!

  26. Scott says:

    That was so funny. Even better was watching my wife’s jaw drop thinking it was real.

    Did someone say Gummy Valium. Can I buy stock in that?

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! I wish I could have seen her face! Without it being some creepy moment with a stranger from the Internet leaning over your guys’ shoulders to observe the reaction, or course. Ha ha!

  27. Lizzie says:


  28. Aurelas says:

    All the fun of hunting added to the tedious and mundane chore of getting your baby to sleep! Buy now and receive a starter set of 10 target stickers for better accuracy!*

    *additional shipping and handling fees apply

    • stacey says:

      And if you act now you can get our special internet offer! Two sets for the price of one! For just a small additional shipping charge you can also register for unlimited darts for life!

  29. Douglas says:

    Oh yeah! I’d shoot him in the butt all right. My boy has been teething for years, or months, or something like that. The last 16 months kind of blur together. Yeah, call ma a bad dad, but I’d definitely shoot him in the butt if it would mean him going to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time.

  30. CountOrlock says:

    I have been asking my wife when thay would make something like this product for YEARS. Sign me up for the first one off the showroom floor, hell ill take the prototype πŸ™‚

    BTW My kid is 8 and still dosent sleep through the night. so all you haters can hate, give me TRANQUOO!!

  31. Jere says:

    Mr. Nit-picky here. The correct spelling is not “in the throws of”. It is “in the throes of”.

    Other than an occasional spelling/grammar error, you are a total genius and I want to clone you and keep your clone in a secret base dreaming up stuff to make me laugh.


    • Andy says:

      Urg! Thank you! I fixed the spelling. ALWAYS feel free to be Mr. Nit-picky and let me know when I’m molesting the English language. πŸ˜‰

      P.S. I will submit myself for DNA samples at any time. As long as I get a couple of clones for myself. I could really use a break every now and then.

  32. Twimmie says:

    Which is better in this ad, the fact that you get to shoot your kid with carts or the fact that they finally go to sleep?
    You just made my day with my son’s sleeping problems lately, this was a funny relief and may just make me more relaxed about tonight.

  33. Jenn O says:

    Last night was our 6-month old’s first night “sleeping” in his own crib/room. This would have been a godsend at 3:00 am. The sleep-training book we read didn’t address the use of anti-wakefullness systems, but I guess they can’t cover everything in 200 pages.

  34. James rich says:

    Were can I order this from

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