How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Potty FAILing (A True Story)

Posted by on October 20th, 2011, under NOTEBOOK

Potty FAILing restaurant urinals

We’re in the process of sorta, kinda, not really potty training Lucas right now (2 years old). We got him a potty seat a few months back, but he started standing inside the thing. We put it away when we thought of him learning to poop and pee in it while still in the habit of using it as step stool. (Wow. That was a completely accidental pun right there.)

Lucas' Pooping Frown“My De Niro look. Not really. Just pooping.”

“I pooping.”

He doesn’t tell us ahead of time that he needs to go, but he’s gotten to the point where he tells us he’s in the process of whipping up a batch or that—DING!—his biscuits are indeed ready. Trust you me, this is a much appreciated phase for us. Diaper changes are so much easier to deal with “fresh” than if they’ve been tumbled around by two active butt cheeks or had a chance to harden like plaster for an hour or more.

In The Men’s Room

This last weekend, Lucas tagged along with me to the restroom of an upscale restaurant we were dining at. As the urinals came into sight, the super-low little boys’ urinal spoke out to me. It was telling me this was a prime opportunity for me to forward the potty revolution. To point out a future goal to Lucas and provide him with a real-world demonstration.

I called him over and pointed to the mini urinal and said, “Look, lad. You pee in it.” He looked up and smiled politely at me, not really getting it but showing that he knew whatever I was blabbing about was important to me.

“Here. Watch.” I stepped into the enclosure of the privacy guards (this wasn’t an anatomy lesson) and started… going. Lucas looked at me, then at the little urinal, then at me. He’s got it now, I thought. Then he walked up to it and grabbed the bright blue “freshness puck” from the bottom of the urinal and held it up…

No-no-no-no-no!

“Put it back put it back put it back! Oh God! Please put it back!” I stood there writhing in place, trying to exert 2000 pounds per square inch of pressure on my bladder in a biological effort to fast forward to the end.*

* Note to the women reading this who don’t already know this: for a man, once you start peeing, it can be nearly impossible to stop.

Lucas set the sanitary disc down reluctantly, like handing over treasure he’d only just discovered. I became aware of the steady laughter of a gentleman I hadn’t known was in one of the stalls. I started laughing too at the thought of what I’d just witnessed and what he’d been overhearing.

I sighed as I finished laughing, looked down, and zipped up.

“I washing my hair.”

Nooooooooooooooo!

I whipped my head to see him patting his hair and then scooping up more water from the urinal. “I washing my hair,” he said again with delight. AAAARRRGGG!!! I leapt in and picked up the little toilet-bathing bandit as fast as I could without tearing his or my arms out of their sockets. The man in the stall was now explosively farting in unison to his unrestrained laughter.

I was laughing uncontrollably as I cleaned Lucas up on the sink, and I thought, Lizzie’s gonna kill me. And by that I meant: I couldn’t wait to tell her, but knew I would have to do so with an unobstructed escape route and have ready an accurate report of how many times I’d washed his hands and hair after it had happened.

True story.

- The End -

blue sanitary urinal puck

…Or is it just the beginning?

 
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163 Comments

163 Responses to “Potty FAILing (A True Story)”

  1. Mary says:

    Haha! Now I don’t feel so alone. My kids do stuff like that whenever opportunity arises. But, I bet you felt all alone when you were struggling to keep your son clean/dry/safe … except for the guy who was laughing/farting in the stall. Wonder what he would think of your blog.

  2. Phil says:

    As a parent, every stage that you pass, you level up to a more complicated and more difficult one. Sure, they seem easier at first (no more diapers!) then you find out the truth about what you get to go through (your kids yelling “DADDY’S PENIS!” while your trying to do your business in the stall).

    We’ve spent much time in bathrooms huddled against the door waiting for everyone to clear out, so as to prevent being accosted by mocking strangers upon exit.

    The children know. They know the exact moment they can pick up the urinal cake so as to maximize the time that you can not do anything about it. At least the guy in the stall was probably waiting for YOU to leave.

    Off to search the net for urinal cake candy. I’d be shocked if this did not exist.

  3. Braindonkey says:

    Wow… Upside, he didn’t take a bite. My daughter asked about the free bubblegum, and why I was peeing on it. That caused immediate panic “go stand against the wall right now” and don’t even think of touching anything”. Kudos for seeing it as funny. How many different possible disease outcomes went through your head after?

  4. Desiree says:

    There are just not as many ways for the ladies room to become your worst nightmare when out with toddlers. I feel very lucky.

    • Manda says:

      True. And that’s coming from a woman whose daughter was caught licking the toilet seat at the grocery store. At least it gets cleaned once in a while. LOL

      • Braindonkey says:

        ewwww.
        In the end, it shouldn’t be a concern. I licked every fire hydrant in NYC when I was a child apparently. All i have is a couple extra nipples a tail, and eyes in the palm of my hands.

        • andy says:

          I’m not a germaphobe. But Lizzie is. Like a superhero. She’s a superhero of germophobia. It’s cute though. And everything is organically minty fresh smelling. ;)

          P.S. I’m going to start licking fire hydrants to grow a tail.

          • stacey says:

            With what I’ve seen here of your luck Andy, you’d probably start with the eyes in your hands thing first. Don’t want to discourage you though. That would still be awesome. (Begins wondering of thats how women get the ‘eyes in the back of the head’…)

          • Lacey Sutton says:

            I am so not a germaphobe – my training is in microbiology and epidemiology so I know the odds and the statistics of catching something nasty vs. just developing a better immune system. I’m more worried about our kiddo having allergies than catching the occasional cold. Still, the idea of a kid picking up the urinal cake and giving himself a toilet bath still makes me shudder and want to reach for the hand sanitizer. I’m repeating to myself “urine is sterile! urine is sterile!” but it’s not really helping…. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

          • Tali McPike says:

            I also have a background in microbiology…and I’ve seen the mythbuster’s episode about how dirty the toilet is. I’m not usually fazed by the stuff I’ve discovered my son eating/handling, but yeah I’m also trying to get rid of the heebie-jeebies (present during the breathing between laughs)

      • andy says:

        Whoa! Listerine, anyone!?!

    • andy says:

      Yeah. I’ve got worst nightmares x 3. I can attest that you are lucky.

    • cranky mom says:

      are you meaning to tell me that your kids never tried to reach in the sanitary napkin mini garbage containers attached to the wall … each one of my kids have the strangest obsession with containers, bags, and boxes— and along the lines each one of them tried to reach their little hands inside of them.

  5. Amy says:

    Oh my god. I’m so not excited to potty train my boys. Thanks. My daughter was a piece of cake to potty train!

  6. Kendra says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!

    I have a girl and we’re going through a similar experience. She stands in the potty and pees on the floor and at home in her world it’s always neked time. The amount of human excrement I’ve cleaned off the floor and bed linens is amazing… and exhausting.

  7. Sara and Derrick says:

    I read that and could NOT stop laughing. I gotta make sure this weekend my hubby reads it too =D Thanks for sharing Andy, that moment was priceless!

  8. what’s that again about the guy firing off fart grenades in the bathroom stall?

  9. MotherDuck says:

    Still laughing…I’m inspired now to make a cake that looks like a urinal cake…this was the closest I came to finding one online:

    http://blog.zazzle.com/2009/10/23/urinal-cake-eating-a-quest-for-blue-links/

  10. Ha ha ha! That was hilarious.

  11. Kyle says:

    My two-year-old daughter is also potty training, and this week started sometimes wearing big girl underwear. I’ve been avoiding public restrooms, but this morning at home she decided to take her panties off and put them on her head. I’m pretty sure all kids do this at some point. I told my wife our daughter just completed a childhood rite of passage.

  12. Samantha says:

    I read this story 2 days ago and I can’t stop laughing. And its not a cute giggle. It is a full on, can’t catch my breath, tears running down my face laugh. I have had to stop checking twitter when I’m rocking my baby, because everytime I see a tweet, I start laughing again, and wake him up. Thanks for a great story!! Can’t wait until we start to potty train our two boys.

    • andy says:

      Your comment makes me so so so so so happy and I’m even laughing imagining you bursting out laughing at just the reminder of it by seeing tweets! Joy!

  13. Chris says:

    Holy crap, that just made my day go from crappy to fantastic! Thanks for the tears and stomach aches from laughing so hard! I have two girls, so I won’t know what this will be like, but you might have made me a little happy for not dreading that moment! Thanks!

    • andy says:

      Awwww, that’s fantastic! We’re all about laughterobics. And making people feel happier with what they’ve got even if we have to resort to defaming an object of desire. ;) You are most welcome!

  14. We are currently trying to potty train our 2.5 year old son and I couldn’t help but laugh while reading this; I can identify with your struggle. My son peed in the potty for the first time last week and while his dad and I were practically throwing a parade to celebrate his achievement, he decided that he needed to touch his puddle of achievement. Oh toddlers. But you will have a great story to tell your son’s future girlfriend!

    • andy says:

      Ha ha! Amazing.

      Girlfriend: “Hi, Mr. Herald. Nice to meet you.”
      Me: “Hey there, nice to meet you, too. Did Lucas ever tell you the ‘I washing my hair’ story?”
      Lucas: “DaaaAAAAaaad!”

  15. Christina says:

    Omg. I’m currently pregnant with #2 and have a 2.5 year old son…

    This post had me in tears, I was laughing to damn hard. I still have tears dripping off my nose.

  16. David says:

    Very funny story, thanks for the laughs! My cousin had her two kids in the stall with her and when the lady in the stall next to them let a big one rip, her son said “eeeeeeewwwwwWWWWW MOMMY was that YOU??” the large public restroom erupted with laughter.

    Oh and I can stop peeing pretty easily once I’ve started and so can lot of guys I know. I don’t know why this has come up in so many conversations…. awkward…

  17. Mikey says:

    Loved the story, had to share mine. I have twin boys, 4 years old ATM. They’ve been trying to master the potty arts for awhile, but earlier this year was hilarious. We were early to the boy’s gymnastics practice (cause they love bouncing and running) when both decide they have to go. I take them in to the bathroom, and someone is in the only stall, leaving 2 urinals. I told Ian to stand against the wall while I helped his brother to do his business. While I’m standing there coaching Alex along, Ian finds a stool, carries it over to the urinal, drops trou, and SITS in the urinal. He announces that “I got it, Daddy!” and then lets loose. What he hasn’t though of is to tuck his junk, so he pees in a good 2 foot arch onto the floor. The other one turns to see what is going on, STILL PEEING, and it hits the barrier wall, splashing onto my pants, his pants, and the floor. I intially yelled “Stop!” but then started laughing. When the other guy left the stall, he was laughing too.

  18. Shannon says:

    I laughed until I cried. I was reading this out loud to my husband and was laughing so hard that he had to tell me three times that he couldn’t understand me any more. :)

  19. Geraldine from Singapore says:

    I was trying to put my baby down for his nap when I HAD to somehow surf my way on to this site. I had such a hard time stifling my guffaws whilst feeding him. Almost peed in my pants laughing whilst reading this but my strong pelvic floor muscles kicked in. Liquid had to come out of me some how as it was just too funny so I laughed till I cried. Lol. 

    My elder son is now 9yo and still waits until the last frigging minute to visit the boy’s room. We potty trained him around 2yo. I potty trained my 9mo younger son at 6mo. I hope this will get him to be nonchalant about seeing poop and pee in the potty & not attempt to upcycle his excrement. :)

    • andy says:

      Go go gadget pelvic floor muscles! Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s great you went earlier and earlier on the potty training, but I’m not sure that’s ever any guarantee that there won’t be some “brown Play-Doh” play. Ha ha ha!

  20. Debra says:

    I have the girl version of your boy…it’s true she is always doing crap like that…2 years old geniuses are hard to live with,thankfully she trashed her mom and other grandma’s house daily,I get the pleasure of her superiorness 4 afternoons a week…she makes her Mimi laugh a lot! I love telling her mom what embarrassing stuff she did that day…sorta my reward for all crap my own put me through and I don’t get the blame for it.
    She once waited until I left to get more diapers to remove a poop diaper in front of her very naive 14 year old uncle…I came back to her being twirled in a towel…crap dripping from her but…her uncle is permanently scarred for life!!

    • andy says:

      You just touched on something really important to me. I’d rather be the father of a wildcat genius than a tame, docile pet of a moron. LOL to your story and the uncle scarring. :)

  21. Liz says:

    LMAO!!! My son (aged 26 months) will break into the bathroom when his dad goes to pee, looks at Daddy doing his business, then looks up at Daddy and says, “Water!” Then he tries to catch the stream.

    Commence Dad’s horrified yells and my maniacal laughter.

  22. Dave says:

    Fantastic!!!! My 27 month old son is currently potty training, although he’d rather pee in the tub during bath time. He likes to put his hand in the stream to catch it. We have plastic cups in the tub for rinsing him off, and he’ll sometimes try to catch the pee in one of those. Occasionally he’ll try to dump the pee onto himself (to mimic me rinsing him), but that hasn’t happened in a while.

    I saw an event similar to your story a few years ago at a baseball game. There was a line in the men’s room in between innings, and a dad and his pre-school son were doing their business. Son finishes first, and dad says something to the effect of “wash your hands” and flushes son’s urinal. Son immediately splashes his hands in the flowing water, but dad can’t see what’s happening because of the ‘privacy fence’ between stations. However, everyone in line sees it and gets a good laugh as the boy shakes his hands dry and walks away. Being guys, I’m not sure anyone informed dad about his kid’s activities.

    • andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! My laughter came in waves as I read, upgrading each time as I went from peeing into the hand, to the cup shot, to the hand “washing” and beyond. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  23. Brittani says:

    I. LAUGHED. SO. HARD!!!! I CRIED, I laughed so hard.

  24. Frederica says:

    Ow, stomach muscles hurt from laughing.
    I have no stories to match, being childless and my nephew having potty trained en douceur. The closest I can come is when I washed my sippy cup in the toilet bowl at home — as a toddler, not now.
    “What? It’s at just the right height. Why the squealing? And I want my sippy cup back.” (I got a new one instead)

    • andy says:

      LOL! Now sippy cups will no longer be allowed anywhere near the bathroom. Glad you like it and laughed. Please come back and enjoy the show from time to time. ;)

  25. Christan says:

    I laughed until I cried at this. I have 2 boys ages 2 and 5, and I can tell soooo many stories about potty training. A recent one: I’ve been teaching my 2yo to pee standing up. One day he said “potty” and ran down the hallway. Overjoyed at such progress, I followed and helped him take off his diaper. Without hesitation, he stepped up on the step-stool, lifted the lid, leaned in with a look of pride on his “big boy” face… and pooped on the floor. He turned around and said “ewww” pointing to the pile as if to say “how did THAT get there?!” I laughed until I cried… it almost made cleaning up the mess bearable. He’s pooped “the right way” a couple times now but I still giggle as I picture that first attempt.

    • Brittani says:

      Your story is hillarious!

      The best part of yours and his stories is the all-too-familiar excitement when your child has an epiphany and you learn just what kind of epiphany they had!

    • Andy says:

      LOL! We shared a really laugh then, your story set me off too. Kids are amazing!!!

    • stacey says:

      This story made me laugh mainly because I can totally see it happening. But strangely I see the setting being a frat house… As to the massive fits of laughter I need to stop or I will hurt something (I also hope I don’t wake my wife or daughter up, that would be bad and I should get to bed soon anyway. I guess more training in the arts of the Bedroom Ninja… Shameless plug for another post here, but hey I know how to share the love ;p)

    • Melissa says:

      Hahahaha OMG! I’m laughing so hard that I now sound like a 70yr old full-time smoker with a wheeze! Love it, this made my day :D

  26. Nobby says:

    Try explaining to a seven year old what the condom machine is.

    • Andy says:

      Maybe I’d just make it easier on myself by tearing the dispenser off the wall, tucking it under my arm and bolting for the door. Maybe throwing smoke bombs behind me would help. Ha ha! Just kidding. I’m not afraid to talk about that stuff, but I do get really really careful when doing so. ;)

  27. mo says:

    Oh my god, this had me cracking up. To think, this is what us moms have to deal with when we have to trundle into a disgusting public stall by ourselves with a kid or two in tow. It’s an incessant parade of “nooooo!!! no! Don’t touch that!! Don’t open the door! Please stop looking under the stall at the other lady!!! Noooooo!!!!! Don’t crawl on the floor!!! No!!!” At least we don’t have those freshness cakes.

    • Brittani says:

      You hit the nail on the head! Right on.

    • Andy says:

      whimpered: >ohgodkillmenow< Yikes! ;)

    • Shain says:

      Oh, you are SOOO right mo! I spend trips to public toilets with my 4-y-o son trying to fire out my own wee as FAST as I possibly can so I can grab him and stop him shoving both hands into the “sanitary bin”, kneeling on the floor with his HEAD under the dividing wall shouting “having a WEEEEE!”, rubbing his hands over everything in the stall (BTW he still sucks his thumb…), unlocking the door and trying to make a run for it, etc, etc…

      He’s normally a brilliant little boy, but man, those public toilets! Maybe it’s the fluroscent lighting?!

  28. Kurt says:

    At least my kids yells “Daddy has a big penis, I have a little snail penis”. Good because, some one validated my penis size amongst males, and also because my son calls his penis a little snail. Which makes everyone in the bathroom laugh.

  29. Aias says:

    Thanks for posting this story/warning.

    My kid is almost two, a few months ago we bought him a potty chair. Unfortunately, he seems to only hear chair, as the potty chair has quickly become his favorite reading chair and he will sit there for a long time reading his books. I have tried renaming it a “caca chair’ but renaming it didn’t change a thing.

    i don’t yet have any horror stories other than the time he let loose his bowles in the bathtub as he was taking his bath. i am almost completely over that traumatic event.

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha! I just said “caca chair” out loud and it made me laugh. I think that’s a good uplifter for anyone who feels down, to just say caca chair. Now that I’m thinking about it I can see myself talking to my wife and saying, completely straight, “Sure thing, let me just got use the caca chair before we go.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

      FYI, bowel loosing in the tub qualifies as a horror story. ;)

    • Shain says:

      At a year old, my son laid a giant log in the bath when I was in there with him. Nice…! And we’d put bath stuff in that made the water opaque and milky, so there were lurking turds in the depths and I didn’t dare move in case I felt that oh-so-familiar feeling between my toes… It was like a scene from Jaws: “What lurks in the depths?”.

  30. Avahzd says:

    At church, with all the sweetness a 3 year old girl can muster, my daughter looks at me and proceeds to tell me that “you have a WeWe” just loud enough for the people in the row behind us to hear… Mind you this was maybe the 3rd time we ever visited there…

  31. Tessa says:

    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just woke up my toddler I was laughing so hard. With 3 kids I HAVE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, MANY TIMES OVER.

    • Andy says:

      That makes me feel like such a rockstar! Ha ha ha ha ha! I’m glad for you and sorry for your little one. But I’m waaaaaay more glad than sorry. ;)

  32. Rebecca says:

    I story made me laugh so hard and all the comments and other stories. So funny. I worked at a daycare for 5 years and trying to potty train 12 children at once is not fun, but hilarious. One little boy was going pee but then had to go # 2. He was still peeing and didn’t know what to do so he turned around to poo still peeing then turned around again to not make a mess. He made three full circles before crying because ” I just can’t do it right!”

  33. Katy says:

    LMAO…that is adorable, yet REALLY desturbing! I loved the little writing [psst...and to the woman reading this...blah blah blah...]
    cause ya, no…I had no idea! But anywho, this is am amazing page, because my daughter [whom which is 4 now] has eaten some pretty DESCUSTING things, and one of them was the OLD FASHION {gum, on cement} YUCK! :]

    But I love this story amazing story, hit me up on my email, please.

    Thanks

    Katy

    • Andy says:

      Oh god! The “sidewalk gum” moment happened to us last month! We caught it before the ship could fully dock in the bay and swiped it out of his hands. Blech! Gross but hilarious!

  34. Katy says:

    I just literally remembered a story

    I have a 4 year old daughter, and last year when she was 3 years old. She had an “accident” in Fred Meyer, and mind you I wasn’t there to get her clothes, and let alone not enough money at the time either, and I looked over;

    My daughter is standing there hopping around and saying “Mommy! Mommy! I have to go….” [Her pants got darker, and her face got red]…AWWW SHIT!

    She pooped & peed in her pants, so of COURSE! There’s a bathroom, with those REALLY LOUD and USEFUL hand dryersl…..

    Yes I did it, I washed her pants in the bathroom stall, and dried them…turned out I was in the bathroom total; 45 minutes, washing my little girls pants. We had 1 hour drive home, I was NOT having her not dressed…I LOVED IT! I love her, these are the moments we TREASURE FOREVER <3 :]

    && still counting the MEMORIES <3

    • Andy says:

      Go go gadget hand dryer! Ha ha! Amazing! You have the perfect attitude about it: shit’s gonna happen, might as well laugh and enjoy the ride. Memories!

  35. Alan says:

    Just read your urinal cake story for the first time and had a sense of sympathy… and relief that I’m not the only one!
    Honest to god I had the EXACT same experience. The one exception would be that instead of “washing his hair” with his hands, he stuck them in his mouth because I startled him by yelling NNNooooooooo!
    Unfortunately I did NOT have a suitable escape route when I shared the story with my wife. We were on a road trip (yes, it was a freeway pit-stop urinal) and I was stuck in the car, ouch.

    • Andy says:

      Gotta have that escape route! Otherwise shins get dinged on furniture when you bolt and things get knocked over as you try to vault anything that’s in your way. Ha ha! ;)

      • stacey says:

        Or in this case you contract a severe rash when exiting a vehicle moving at highway speeds to escape the wrath of a motherbeing in protection mode.

  36. Renae says:

    I have tears streaming down my face! You’re ability to retell a story is amazing! Thanks for that!

  37. Blake says:

    This is too funny! I am 47 no children and never married. I got to this page from a friend of mine. I do have a nightmare story from my youth though.
    I was in the navy and my friends asked to to watch there 3 year old daughter for 20 minutes while they went to the store (I think the trip was for other reason’s now). Well as soon as they left I hear her crying, I am thinking because her mom and dad left but no! I go to her and this nuclear reactor brown stuff is running down her legs! I have not a clue as what to do, so I am trying to clean her up not really wanting to take her clothes off and trying to clam her down at the same time. Finally I just put her in the bathtub and pulled off the clothes and just washed her the best I could trying to avoid breaking her, I mean she sounded like she was afraid I was going to kill her for having a accident, I was almost in tears myself because she was so upset, finally everything calmed down and the parents came back 2 hrs later. The funny part of the story was telling the parents as I stood there watching them clean up the bathroom.
    I miss the fact that I have never had a child of my own, it has to be so rewarding. I can laugh at myself now about that, but back then at 20 years old it was so tramatic.

    • Andy says:

      Awwwww, this comment is so touching and your story is amazing. So glad you found our website! There’s a lot to laugh at whether you have kids or not. Thanks for writing in and so sorry for the late response!

  38. Pat says:

    When I was a wee lad myself, my mom reluctantly let me go do my business alone in the men’s room while we were at a bowling alley for my sister’s birthday. She waited for what seemed like an eternity for me to finish and come out. She started to fear something had happened to me and not wanting to burst into the men’s room, she asked one of the other kids at the party to go check on me. From what I have been told, he came out a minute later with a horrified look on his face. I wasn’t playing with the blue urinal cake, but instead, was seated in the urinal leaving my own cake behind. With two sons of my own, I laughed out loud when I read your story; to the point my wife asked what was wrong. My mother laughs as hard today as she did some thirty years ago when recalling what her little toilet bandit got himself into…literally.

  39. Tina Reher says:

    Ok THIS right here is what I’m gonna use as my mental-first-aid-kit tonight when I’m dealing with yet another installment of: “mommy help I’m peeing on the floor!”

    • Andy says:

      Okay. “mental-first-aid-kit” is brilliant! If no one else has done so already, I officially certify that you are a full-fledged genius. Ha ha!

      • Tina Reher says:

        And I officially accept that certificate! Really needed that AND the mentel-first-aid-kit tonight when the pile of laundry due to potty fail is especially epic. Yep I’ve just pulled a pair of purple winter boats out of the washing maschine, fingers crossed they are dry by monday!

  40. And then I died laughing. The end.

  41. Judd says:

    hahaha! very funny read

  42. Laurie says:

    Are you kidding me?? I totally just failed at keeping in my laughter so my husband wouldn’t ask me what I was laughing at..He is a gem!

    • Andy says:

      They say, holding in your pee can cause damage to your bladder. I say, holding in your laughter can cause damage to your spirit. Let it loose!!! The laughter, not the pee. ;)

  43. Steve S. says:

    Ya know there are some things that you would think are just common sense…such as urinal cakes and toilet water are NOT grooming aids, but then you have to remember that little kids do not have any common sense. :)

  44. Carrie says:

    Ok Andy, I an going to tell you a little story in hopes it makes you feel better. It is a story I swore I would take to my grave, one that I have never even told my husband…. Once apon a time there was this little girl (who may or may not be me) that was out to dinner with her family. All of the sudden this gem of a little girl had to go potty so her mother who was busy feeding a new baby asked her slightly older sister to take her. After some time had passed and the girls had not returned the mother went in search of them. She searched the bathroom to no avail then the restaurant. As panic began to set in a kind gentleman approached the near frantic woman and told her to peek inside the mens room. There she found her two darlings using the urinals as a drinking fountain… The End!!! True story, and if memory serves me correctly I am almost positive it was the older sister who lead the sweet naive little girl to water and MADE her drink.

    • Andy says:

      Wow! You had me gripped at “swore I would never tell” and then freaked at “After some time had passed” and then laughing insanely at all the rest! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Priceless. THANK YOU for sharing your secret story, I’m honored and extremely entertained!

  45. sarahlynne says:

    Just found your blog. You are hilarious! This story had me cracking up but also wincing! I too have a little boy, and although I’m his mom and will not be taking him into any mens bathrooms, I know his dad will… LOL!

    • Andy says:

      My little Lucas goes off with the Mrs to the lady’s restroom, too. ;) Thanks for the hilarious compliment. My day was mostly poopy so you made me smile and banished some clouds. Thanks.

  46. di says:

    my 2 yr old is in the process of toilet training also, but he’s not too good at it yet. A couple of months ago he took off his nappy in the aisle of the grocery store, squatted and pooped on the floor. Of course the store was packed so everyone saw it, but at least we were in the toilet paper aisle.

    • Andy says:

      I know this is going to soUnd weird, but I hope Lucas does that. I would herniate myself with laughter. After I performed the required clean up on aisle 9. Okay, I admit it. Even during. ;)

    • SSG says:

      I just laughed so hard it hurt, and my eyes are watering. I nearly woke up my 39 week pregnant wife, who is soundly sleeping next me. Our first child (a boy) will arrive any day now.

      Of course I can’t sleep, because every night feels like Christmas Eve, so I found my way here. You certainly have me scared about the possibilities.

  47. Charlie says:

    Not long after getting the hang of pottying by herself, one night my oldest was making a bit of noise in the bathroom. My wife and I went to check on her, and she was standing, leaning against the toilet with a huge proud grin on her face: “I’m going potty standing up like daddy!”

    • Andy says:

      OMG! Ha ha ha ha ha! I don’t have any girls but boys do a pretty good job of hosing the place down when they’re learning. I can only imagine! Ha ha!

  48. Ariel says:

    Omg my first son was potty trained before 2 yrs old, my daughter wasn’t potty trained until she was 3 , my 2 yr old now? No way I would let him near a toilet , he just thinks they r the FUNNEST things to play in! I feel like he’ll never be potty trained :(

  49. The applause of explosive farting is really the cherry on top of this whole hilarious thing.

  50. Dan says:

    Ah the journey of dadhood. Great write up, I think it makes it even more funny that I have gone through the same thing and then some.
    While being stuck in the same position as you were recently my son bolted out of the bathroom after he was done relieving himself. He is terrified of the loud flushes and in his haste forgot to pull up his pants. I took off after him as soon as I could and found him in the middle of the theater plaza trying to pull his pants up. It’s times like these I’ll remember to recount as I cheer him at his wedding.

  51. Ataia says:

    Well, your post and the comments have made me laugh so hard I nearly peed on myself! Thanks! :D
    Btw, I once walked in on my 2 year old (now 17 years old) sitting INSIDE the toilet bowl trying to flush himself down. I really really regret that I didn’t own a camera at the time!

  52. Tina Reher says:

    Litterally MOMENTS ago did a happy dance in our bathroom because my daughter just pooped on the toilet for the first time!

    Parenthood sure makes for some interesting moments of pride huh?

  53. Hanson says:

    I’m in tears, thank you.

  54. Betsy says:

    oh good Lord, I just had an asthma attack from laughing so hard (over on Crappypictures.com.) oy, oy, oy, brilliant!!

  55. Hah I think i’ve found my new favourite blog :-D
    My son has just done the potty training thing but still loves to keep us up to date with his bodily functions (he’s almost 3). He likes to say “My bum just said…” usually its pffft. Gotta love kids!

  56. Mike says:

    I am sitting in scared anticipation as my son, currently 4 months, gets older. However at a restaurant out with just the guys he proceeded to unleash his fury in his diaper and blew out into his fancy outfit my wife put him in.

    The ensuing pooping and farts in the men’s room brought fear from my voice and laughter from anyone unfortunate enough to be in there as I battle the butt monster. He ruined 3 diapers in the process of trying to change him, sprinkled the wall, and had a giggle fit after stepping in his own excrement.

    I think I am ready for the urinal cake future debacle. At least your site and stories make me feel more ready.

  57. Shane says:

    When my little girl sees a toilet she runs up, flushes it, grabs the edge of the bowl, sticks her face straight into the bowl neck on the said and screams “BYE BYE PEE PEE.” Never fails, doesn’t matter if anyone has actually peed or not.

    Which is why I don’t take her into public restrooms lol.

    Still working on my little boy, potty training = going insane.

  58. I have not laughed that much at 7 in the morning for a long while. THANK YOU! And I commiserate. XD

  59. Rebecca says:

    Oi Vey…I am just in the process of getting up enough nerve to start potty training (first child) these made me grimace, dry heave, and nearly need to be sent back to do potty training for myself again..too funny!

    • Andy says:

      I’ve consider this, too. They should have refresher courses at every community college. Even if I didn’t take the course, I’d pay to see people taking it. ;)

  60. Eli Poist says:

    So this is why I am very happy that I am
    1. A woman–so no easy access to the scary public potty touching thing OR creepy guy in stall thing although I LAUGHED VERY VERY HARD AT THIS.
    2. That we agreed the peeing on the potty would be a sit first then stand learning process. Trust me on the second as the petri dish issue around the bottom of the toilet won’t happen in your home and the temptation to put things in the potty or take things out isn’t an option because they would have to try really hard in a very small stall to get past the parent.
    Granted I trained my son to walk like he was just captured by the police (Hands straight up in the air or only behind his back) while entering a public toilet.
    NOW if only I could convince him to shut the door at home.
    (he’s almost 7!)

  61. Brandie says:

    When my son was 3, and I took him to a public restroom with me, he suddenly got this gleam in his eye and started to say: “look at mommy’s penis! Mommy has a penis” over and over in a sing song voice. Nothing a mom can say at that point is going to help the situation : too harsh a response would seem like an overreaction; no response, or too mild, and any listeners are going to be wondering: “DOES she have a penis?” [not that there's anything wrong with that!]. Yep, gotta love those toilet-training toddlers!

  62. Danielle says:

    This was so hilarious I had to share my own potty horror story with you:

    7:30am, a small naked boy peers over my bed edge. ” mommy, I went poop!” Oh, ok dear mommy’s coming. ” no mommy, no need you. I wipe my own butt my selp.” Uh, ok let me see.

    *naked boy turns, does a squat to show me, and there was clearly effort, but more work needed, as in, chunks of smeared poop*

    hm babe, there’s still some poop. ” no, I wipe my selp!”

    *i take him in bathroom, and notice that it goes all the way down to his feet. I Put him in the shower, than dash off to the other bathroom to look for his dirty underpants. There are no dirty underpants, but there is a dirty toilet, floor, and carpet. In fact, there are 6 huge poop piles scattered evenly throughout the second bedroom. ha had went, tried to wipe, got up with it all over him, and trailed it from the 2nd bathroom to my room. And he used EVERY single wipe. EVERYWHERE. I scrub everything and open my front door to take the trash out and there’s my cat: standing next to a headless bird. face palm. It’s going to be a long ass day.*

  63. Kristen R. says:

    Oh dear Lord. I thought potty training my son was bad. Yours takes the cake. Literally.

  64. kirsteen says:

    I laughed so hard I cried, I wheezed, I HURT! My children, thankfully past this stage now, keeping asking me what is wrong!
    My horror stories: #1 My son, about 19 months, has learned how to take off his diaper. What do I wake up to? A crib smeared in poop! Not just the crib, but the wall too. And the bars on the crib are not straight, but ribbed! I called my mom crying. She told me it was worse with my older twin sisters! I can only imagine! I started duct taping his diapers on.
    #2 It is a bright Sunday morning and I am getting the family ready for some function at church, I think Easter. My son, almost 2 1/2, has decided to take off his poopy diaper. No shock yet. I get him dressed but am still smelling poop. I can’t find any. He didn’t make a mess with it this time… I pick up my daughter, 9 months old. Whew! check her diaper, but it’s clean. Still looking I notice she’s sucking on something. I stick my finger in to get it out. I have found the source of the smell. My son fed his baby sister his poop. But wait! There’s more! After cleaning out her mouth and getting dressed and getting to church I still keep smelling poop. Kids (5 total) keep checking their shoes to make sure they didn’t step in it somehow. While in church I have to breastfeed. WHOA! The smell from my daughter’s mouth! Now that I have her turned upside down I can see more. It was still in there! Shoved up in the depression behind her front teeth! OMG! I went to the bathroom and washed my nipples! Just thinking of it makes me want to puke! These two, 8 & 9 now, love to tell others this story! No embarrassment for them for some reason! No blackmail when there older! Where’s my benefit from such a story if I can’t even use it against them? lol

    • Andy says:

      Ha ha! So glad it was so good it was bad, in a good way. ;)

      1) Ugh! People who manufacture and sell anything “ribbed” or “fluted” to parents should be shot. Such a nightmare cleanup! So many nooks and crannies.

      2) Oh my GAH!!! I want to scrub my tongue and nipples and mind after reading that! Ha ha!

  65. Nicole says:

    Oh, geez, this is one of the funniest potty type stories I have read (and of course, as a parent, you get to hear/read a LOT of potty stories!) I think my favorite part was “Lizzie’s gonna kill me. And by that I meant: I couldn’t wait to tell her”. We’d be honored if you submitted a piece to Great Moments in Parenting, an open blog where moms and dads share the agony and ecstasy of life with kids. We’re happy to link back to your website. Here’s the link to submit: http://greatmomentsinparenting.com/log-in/. Thanks for considering it!

  66. Mike says:

    That’s totally funny!Your son was awesome!Great story!

  67. Melissa says:

    Extreme parenting! I laughed until I cried from the story, and some of these comments! When we were potty training my daughter (now 3.5) we used tons of positive reinforcement: stickers, cheers, etc. So I’m in a big stall with her (many times, unfortunately) and I’m doing the routine of don’t touch anything; no, don’t reach in that trash can; don’t touch the door…

    “Mama, why do you have that big bandaid in your panties?”
    “Good job Mama! You peed!!” (Applause) “Do you need to poop too, Mama?”

    Mortifying.

  68. Bev says:

    At two yrs my girl took to the potty with practical glee.
    Dry and clean in less than a week.

    At 2 yrs our boy is certain I’ve got the whole thing wrong. Potties are ideal for one thing, and one thing only. Throwing practice.

    If he can duplicate the results I’m seeing with a ball, I have me a up and coming baseball star.

  69. Jamie says:

    my daughter was so easy in public, she was terrified of self flushing toilets and the sound the dryers. Its funny now but then a screaming/terrified 3 year old is no fun in public. I’m sure people though I was hurting her.

  70. Ingrid says:

    My 2yo daughter does what I’d consider the rough equivalent of this in the ladies lounge (picture the “treasure chest” (aka tampon disposal bin) and other fun playthings). And why do the little f-ers ALWAYS practically dive head first into the trash can after you carefully wash their hands just to throw away the paper?

  71. Well…..At least it wasn’t a turd!! That was great!!!

  72. Luckless Poppy says:

    Hey! Ask Your Dad Blog sent me over and I’m glad he did! This was a good read hehe! And I’m sure it’s just the beginning…

  73. Samuel says:

    That was awsome! haha
    Kids are cute and lovely even though they bring small troubles with them :) Had fun reading haha

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