Types of Diaper Loads (The Truth)
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It’s never the normal, standard-issue things that we need preparation for. It’s the freaky, unexpected and unknown things that terrorize us and really would have been nice to know about beforehand. What most new parents lose a large percentage of their mind about is simply not knowing. What they discover in a diaper can sometimes scare the crap out of them.
Most baby doctors are going to tell new parents about the baby’s first poop, meconium. They’ll say it’s a thick, sticky, dark green mess that should not alarm them or prompt them to bring the baby back for a refund. It’s just for the first few baby dumps. They probably won’t refer to it as “baby dumps” though. Anyways, often the doctor’s and nurse’s hearts just don’t seem in it. The little information they do impart almost seems like the bare minimum just to prevent annoying calls made immediately by the new parents.
We’re offering a more accurate look at what lays in wait for new parents on their diaper changing adventures. The straight sh*t about the types of diaper loads it’s going to be your job to unload.
Be warned: this illustrated chart is by no means offered as a complete list, there are plenty more crazy poop bombs your little pilot is going to unload on you.
To veteran parents: it’s our job to let the new recruits in on what they’re going to face when they hit the ground. Comment with your own diaper load type! Come up with a name and description and post it in the comments below. Do your doody!
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202 Comments
202 Responses to “Types of Diaper Loads (The Truth)”
Absolutely hilarious. Would’ve been even funnier if I didn’t have all those to look forward to!
You better laugh when it comes. The laughter is sometimes the only thing that will keep you from taking a bath with a plugged-in toaster hugged close to your chest.
Oh and congratulations!
Boldly going where no daddy blogger has gone before.
Though you missed one, and an important one, if this is truly to be an embracive list:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tadnkat/4135461194/
Euphemistically called the “blowout”, this could also be called an “antimatter explosion” or “reactor leak”. My limited atomic physics education still prevents me from fully grasping how the poop ended up all the way down the legs, out the neck, and down the arms.
The smiles on both faces are priceless.
The expressions make this photo. So crazy good! Definitely something atomic going on here. Whoa!
Around my house, that’s a “catastrophic containment failure”.
Yes yes… familiar with THAT one!
Baby looks so proud, and mischievous!
Oh yes, i remember those. Courtesy of the breast fed baby. Mine happened to me at the mall when she was 3 weeks old and as a first time mom, I was way unprepared for the up the back, down the pants surprise. Had to bathe her in the public bathroom cause I did not bring enough wipes.
I can’t see the photo, but I don’t need to. We used to call that the poop explosion. I’ve had 4 children, and at one point they were all in diapers, but on the worst day I still only had one. Didn’t know I was already pregnant with the second. I was outside the hospital out of state where my mother was terminally ill, alone with my 6-month-old first son in a stroller. Suddenly, there was that yellowish-brownish mushy poop EVERYWHERE — all over him, the stroller seat, UP ON THE CANOPY OF THE STROLLER (how did he do that??), the diaper bag… And me without a tub or a sink to use. All I can say is, thank G-d for wipes. I used about 500. What did people do before wipes???
Oh my, I am dying at that photo. That is pure awesome. The fact that they are both smiling makes it even better.
Our little angel had one of those, all down her legs and all up her back. We were innocent/oblivious new parents of a 5 week old and were on our first day trip to show her off to family…she did this all over great grandma…then peed all over the only other outfit we’d packed (hence the oblivious part) 30 minutes later. We ended up driving home (2 hrs) with our poor baby wrapped in a onsie and receiving blanket. Good times.
Man, when the kid starts walking, and taking off his diaper. There’s another one. The trail of tears poop. Because he’s taken off his diaper, and smeared poop in a long trail until he finds you. And then you cry.
I’m still finding poop smears.
My heart actually skipped a beat imagining it. Thankfully, Lizzie and I haven’t experienced that one yet. Wait! Let me go knock on wood!!! I better go get me a baseball bat! I am going to beat the s##t out of some wood!
Because you know it’s as soon as you say “Thank goodness that hasn’t happened,” that it happens…
AHAHAHA! familiar with that too!!
Please include my tears right now. I am laughing so hard, they are streaming down my face, but only because I know all too well as the mother of four, what this looks, smells, feels like.
Also known as a “poop-tastrophe”, “poopageddon”, or if they decide to “paint” with it, we call that “SHartwork”!
PS. My favorite diagram to date. Nice work, Andy.
It’s pretty spectacular isn’t it.
Wow! That’s fantastic! Starting on this at 11pm last night, I was just trying to get something decent up in a panic rush. You just answered the question I was asking myself at 4am “WTF am I doing?”
We keep having issues with the sq
that was the squirrel tail, we keep having issues with that. Kid poops up his back 2 to 3 times a day. His sphincter has power.
Arg! A force to be reckoned with. The Squirrel Tail is one of the worst because it doesn’t just unleash itself on you during the diaper change, it gives you a sneak preview and broadly promotes itself all over the place.
Definitely one to post in the lunchroom at work. Been a while since I had to deal with these, but they’re frighteningly accurate as I remember it.
I also seem to remember the one that got away: that gas-powered blast that fires and hits the wall opposite the changing table as soon as the diaper is removed. There’s probably an art to reading the splatter patterns that Andy could help us with. Just before we moved out of our house, we found one that we had missed. Tried to scrape it off but it wasn’t going anywhere. We painted over it.
Thanks guys!
“We painted over it.” is my favorite thing ever for today. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
That one happened to me the second or third night after we brought our oldest home from the hospital. My wife thought it was hilarious.
Ha ha! Rorschach fecal shotgun blasts. There are some wounds time will never heal and some poop stains that can never be removed.
…tears rolling down my cheeks from laughter…
Avara
.. = Andy 
With thick-rimmed glasses on , of course B)
I just laughed my ass off. I love these instructional diagrams!
Ha ha! YEEESSSS!!! They love you, too.
My daughter is the master of the Nuclear Nugget. I never understand how her tiny pellet poops smell like a sewer in the summer, but her blowouts barely smell at all. It defies the laws of physics.
Totally! This poop type reminds me of the end of the movie Time Bandits:
Dude, YES
Moral of the story: It’s evil, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
You owe me a new keyboard.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.
Oh fellas… You actually make poop funnier than it already was (if that was possible).
So, to both of you, I wanna know what it was like cleaning your first “sh*t bomb” diaper? (I need to prepare myself…)
THAT is a true compliment!
Nature gave us training wheels, the first poops don’t smell like poop at all. We get a chance to warm up to the process, probably so we’re not vomiting all over our babies, I guess.
Think of it this way: the first ones are like a fallen pudding container cleanup on isle 9, the later ones are the BP Gulf spill. Except it’s pure dry-heave-worthy s##t instead of oil.
Oh – Matrix Poops. Changing my son one day, I had to move faster than Neo to dodge the poop bullet that was headed straight towards my face! Still haven’t found the sucker, and it’s been 2 1/2 years…
“There is no poop.” – wise, bald kid in the Oracle’s place
hahahahahaha!!!! My abdominal muscles are starting to cramp!!
SO funny! And SO glad the diaper days are behind me… except for my three year old who seems to be struggling with the accident situations! Now THOSE are horrifying – I could tell some stories…
I love the term “accidental situations” so much. I love euphemisms, and this is a gem. I bet you could tell some stories! Zoinks!
This diagram is hilarious! And it reminded me of a couple blog posts my stay-at-home husband wrote about some of my baby’s worst poops:
http://deethloke.wordpress.com/2011/04/04/operation-simba-a-heros-passing/
http://deethloke.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/no-fat-man/
Nice! A duct tape nose plug is something How To Be A Dad can get behind! Ha ha!
We’ve experienced most of the above with our 2-yr old twins, but I don’t think I’ve seen the etch-a-sketch yet. The “squirrel tail” is a popular one too.
“Nuggets in Sauce” is a weird one that Twin A sometimes serves up. But the worst is the “Dirty Nuke,” a variation on your Nuclear Nugget, but one so inconspicuous it sneaks right out of the leghole of the the diaper and contaminates a whole unsuspecting population of innocent citizens.
An interesting aspect of twin parenting is the difference in their poops. They have virtually the same diet, but one tends toward the soupy, and the other toward the nutty, in their poops.
“Nuggets in Sauce” LMFAO!!! Etch A Sketch is an uncommon one and this representation may be a little dramatized, but I’ve seen streak patterns that seemed more mechanical than natural.
On the first trip to the pediatrician with my second kid, I made the mistake of leaving the diaper off for about 20 seconds too long.
Got nailed by the Inverted Exorcist.
So nice that diapers are a thing of the past now. Only dealt with one poop-in-underwear accident once when we were out. Unfortunately it was a combination Log Jammer/Squirrel Tail. Somewhere out there, there is a maintenance staff who is out for my blood.
Ha ha ha! You learned your lesson. Ha ha!
Wow! The gross possibilities are endless when combos come into play. ARG!!!
One of my daughter’s favorite stories to hear about herself involves her having an inverted exorcist the first time I took all the kids out of the house by myself after her birth.
http://spiritfruitsolace.blogspot.com/2006/08/adventures-in-leaving-house.html
That’s just a great family anecdote right there. That one deserves to last for generations.
I named a new one today, The Pooptical Illusion: When it looks/smells like there’s a poop in the diaper but you open it up and find none…sleight of @ss.
LMAO! BRILLIANT!!! Whoever hasn’t experienced that one doesn’t have a real baby, it’s a doll or something.
My son does this to me all the time…. he’s magic, but those ain’t no unicorn farts
Poopocolypse. In the blink of an eye, with no warning, poop is everywhere. A diaper cannot contain it. It is everywhere. All over everything. Both you and the child end up needing a bath. http://icangrowpeopleblog.com/?p=1155
Genius!
This one could also be called the “Big Poop Theory”.
There’s gotta be some kind of astrophysics going on. Something of quantum proportions…
I picked up my little brother from kindergarten once and they had neglected to change his diaper. After a smelly bus ride home, I took off his clothes, and found that poop had literally crawled up his back nearly up to his neck. It was dried on so hard that I had to scrub him. I was trying not to humiliate him, but I couldn’t keep from gagging. I wish I could laugh about it now, but it was pretty traumatizing. I felt so sorry for him…how could that poor guy play all day with sh*t creeping up his back? And did the other kids back away from him because he smelled?
I’m 8 months pregnant now. I hope that will remain my worst poop story, but I fear it’s only the beginning….
Whoa! Naw, I wouldn’t worry. Sounds like you got one of the worst experiences out of the way. It’s probably just going to make all the rest seem like a feather on a white linen napkin.
hilarious! so true! I saw the squirrel tail earlier today, ugh
Ha ha ha!
TAILS:
On a squirrel: cute and made of fuzzy fur
On a baby: gross and made of poop
I saw the Inverted Exorcist and Squirrel Tail in the same diaper after I prevented this room clearing, load from claiming into bed with my husband and I.
The double-whammies are the wildest! I just stare at the open diaper and I almost want to ask Lizzie, “Did Lucas give his diaper to another baby when we weren’t looking? It looks like two people took a dump in this one.”
I think we’re all forgetting two important ones:
The Life Raft: Sometimes toddlers sneak one out in the tub. You never see them do it because it’s timed when you’re reaching behind you for some soap, or a throw toy. But then, you turn around and there it is; a majestic poop-ship sailing the calm waters of the tub.
The Little Artist: Finger painting gone terribly, terribly wrong. The walls will never be the same, so you might as well just tear them down and put up new dry wall.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Brilliant! I’m resisting the temptation to illustrate these immediately and post them into the comments! Ha ha ha!
Ahhh.. the artistic pooper. I got slammed one day when my 2 year old daughter decided to make her bedroom “pretty, Mommy!” She thought it was great. I did the “grab the kid under the arm pits and proceed to the nearest bathroom” walk, all the while yelling “Don’t touch anything!” They were really good drawings though.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! There are too many funny things in this for me to reply with anything other than that. Amazing!
The Rancid Diarrhea Soup Poop – Turns every inch of skin it touches into red welts.
The Pancake Poop – A flattened pancake of poop that peels off the bum like a fruit roll-up and leaves no residue. Baby wipes are not even necessary.
The Plaster Poop – The consistency of very sticky creamy peanut butter. If not changed immediately it will molecularly bond to the skin in chunks that can only be removed by a Brillo Pad™.
I was actually going to do one “Rancid Diarrhea Soup Poop” under the name “Outbreak Monkey” and describe it almost exactly the way you did: “Instantly forms a rash on any skin it comes into contact with.” Ha ha! Amaaaaaaazing!
I also enjoyed your Pancake Poop and Plaster Poop and descriptions. Ha ha! So true. So scary. So funny.
Ah, the pancake poop…I actually like those because they’re so easy, but I’m always confused as to how they come about lol
Something magical is going on for sure. Any poop that’s easy to clean up is, by default, magical in some way.
The play-dough poop – when you look at this bundle of joy and just ask yourself if you child had gotten into your food coloring and left a purple surprise in their diaper.
When Lucas used to eat beet purees, his poop came out kinda purple. It always made me think of a little mutant Barney…
…come to think of it Barney sort of make me think of a large mutant poop.
Find a job!
Someone sounds like they fell asleep on the bitter bus, missed their stop and wound up locked in at the bitter bus depot for the night.
[...] the Inverted Exorcist to the Squirrel Tail, they’ve got the biggies … well, you know what I mean … [...]
I’m nowhere near being a Dad right now, but that illustration had me laughing so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks!!!
I hate making my boys cry, but, conversely, I absolutely love making grown men cry. Ha ha ha! Thanks!
…
I made the rookie mistake of thinking it would be better to change our poopinator in my car rather than the disgusting store restroom. I still find little specks of Rocket-propelled poop on the ceiling of my car.
Ugh! You may not be aware of this, but car designers and manufacturers actually secretly punish parents by specially engineering the ceilings of cars so that no stain, mark or blemish can ever, under any circumstances, by any means, never ever ever be gotten out or cleaned up.
It’s probably their revenge for all of the safety regulations imposed on them for family safety.
Hell, I had one just like the picture happen to me just the other night, and I’m 61!
Great point. Everyone should take note that these types of loads aren’t limited to babies and diapers.
We’re expecting our first (that isn’t small, fuzzy and meows a lot–and I think my cats have dropped at least a couple of these). We have a while to go yet but I shared this with my husband. We laughed so hard at the WTF?, we were crying. This site is awseome!
I just read your comment aloud to Lizzie. I wanted her to see why Charlie and I obsessively wreck ourselves making this stuff up. She didn’t need for me to show her but I just wanted to, it’s what drives us. Also, I’m especially pleased WTF got some particular love.
I think you need a color-coded poop chart. Bright green=too many blueberries, bright red=too much gatorade, mustard yellow=(i don’t know but someone must), etc.
We might just take you up on this one. Maybe even design an interactive game. Brilliance!
Great illustration. Great comments. Not sure if it qualifies, but our daughter had this strange habit of not being able to poop unless she can squeeze someone’s hand during the event. It’s like she needed a Poop Support Group to deal with the traumatic event. I just hope we didn’t injure her psychologically by grinning and giggling at her obviously painful and strained expressions.
That is hilarious. I wouldn’t worry. I laugh at my kids all the time and they’re turning out super rad.
That reminds me of my first daughter…pooping seemed to be traumatic for her…between 3 and 6 months old she would cry as she pooped.
Max and Cody were never a problem unless they had rashes, but every once in a while Lucas flips out during a diaper change. Not while pooping, but as if he’s terrified during the diaper change. Babies are weirdos, it’s TV shows and toy manufacturers that give us the pretense of normality. I mean, how many little girls would put a S##t-Tossing Sally the Screamer doll on their wish list?
Someone should run down to the patent office on that one ha ha ha ha! They should issue them to students during sex ed classes. Might actually make a dent in teen pregnancies, or at least one could hope…
Ha ha! It could be the next Cabbage Patch, Beanie Baby, Tickle Me Elmo sensation!
Soooooo glad I don’t share office space with anyone when I read this. Convulsing with laughter in my office. You know what they say… “it’s funny cuz it’s true!”
Ha ha ha! Love it! HowToBeADad.com could be considered by some to be an anti-productivity site. BUT…
FACT: People laugh when they visit our site.
FACT: People are more productive when they laugh at work as compared to being preoccupied with thoughts of strangling themselves with printer cables.
Hide-and-go-poop. During the pottie training phase, you might find yourself with an anal-retentive toddler. They will hold it for an unbelievable amount of time while on the pottie. Once you throw in the white flag and put on a diaper they will proceed to find a corner or some other place out of sight to relieve themselves.
Because of the age it will usually be a log jammer or even worse the Trail of Tears.
Oh man! It’s okay for me to laugh insanely at this right? Ha ha ha ha!
[...] Muuuito legal! Vi aqui. [...]
[...] Forward this one to your hubbies, ladies – too funny. [...]
[...] Types of Diaper Loads - An instructional diagram from your friends at Howtobeadad.com. [...]
Hi.
There was one we *were* warned about.. I forget what the illness was, but the medicine turned their poop bright blood red. A weirdly unreal red, actually. Combine that with the inverted exorcist, because it also causes ‘loose stools’..
And of course some food colorings pass through completely unchanged, resulting in blue poops, orange poops, green poops, rainbow-ish poops.. Those make you stop and wonder what the kid was eating..and then you remember the day-glo cookies or the psychedelic birthday cake..
shris
It’s a good thing you got the warning, that sounds like a kind of poop that would knock a couple of years of parents’ lives with worry.
The rainbow bright turds are something you come to expect. My wife and I have even mused to each other about what something he’s eating will come out like, once Lucas is done turning it into poop.
I just found your site. Not sure how I’ve never seen it before. LMFAO at this one! oh geez must show this one the my hubby. One day my now 15 month old took a nice shit….he happened to eat my oldest daughters stickers from school the day before. When I opened his diaper there was a yellow smiley face looking back at me. My sons shit smiled at me! aww….
Then my son a thing for eating paper. My husband jokes that I can read the newspaper while I change his diaper.
I am in awe. That is f##king amazing. Just… WOW!
That is the best poop story ever.
This is fantastic. I laughed so much while reading this and all the comments afterwards too. I had to read some out loud to my husband.
We’ve seen Woodland Pellets from our son a time or two and it always freaks me out. The first time I saw it, I thought the same thing – “is this my son or a baby rabbit?”
Thanks for the laugh!
You are most welcome! Ha ha! Yeah, I actually burst out laughing when I saw a pile of goat pellets in the cage of a petting zoo… because it reminded me of our Woodland Pellets diaper load experiences.
Just showed this to the other half and we are crying we have laughed so hard – us Aussies love your work!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I just read your comment, smiled really big and then reread the captions I wrote and burst out laughing. Oh man! Ha ha! I’m so glad it made your bellies jiggle, too! Aussies rock!
I’m a grandma now, but back in the day, one of my favorites was one we dubbed “Holy Guacamole”….it’s when your toddler is leaking bright green poo in trails behind him… and the only change in his diet was a new love of grape Kool-aide. Yeah, the doctor confirmed it. Grape Kool-Aid comes out green….???? Don’t ask me, but we tested it, and sure’nuff it did! P.S. – Pics were scary, but we loved the descriptions and all the comments!!! – Still laughing.
So glad you got a kick out of it! UNholy Guacamole! Ha ha ha! We should get a steam vac sponsor for this post. Blech!
Wow! Grape Kool-aid to green poop? THAT sounds like HowToBeADad.com’s brand of Science right there. Maybe we’ll do an documented experiment for the site…
You also need to warn new parents about the “first poop after solid food”. The smell is beyond anything imaginable. We also have a phrase for horrible smells that came from the diaper days, “after carrots”. It refers to any overpowering, completely noxious smell.
“After carrots” is amazing! Ha ha ha ha ha! Too true. Lucas was a carrot and sweet potato fiend. I called his diaper loads “sweet pootato pies” for a while though I didn’t come to name his clown-orange carrot craps.
new parents could benefit from a diagram of Shades of Red + Volume scale to prep with the appropriate number of wipes required
We’ve got a couple of ideas listed down similar to this, but you threw me with the Shade of Red part. I’m a designer so that means something color chart related to me, but I think I’m missing something… ’cause when I think of poop and red… uhhhhh yeah. Are we talkin’ about the shades that in the brown arena? Bloody stools just don’t seem terrifically shareable.
Eeeeewww no bloody stool charts- shades of red in the face + volume= X number of wipes.
Whew! I knew it had to be the 5 hours of sleep I have constricting my mind like a belt.
I remember every one of those! Except my friend and I use to call the inverted exorcist “A blow out.” Blow outs are the most destructive, next to the squirrel tail!!!
Glad we could bring back some memories for you! … wait… Oh, sorry about that.
Our favourite is the Poonami. No warning, (although sometimes preceeded by a large tummy quake) and unstoppable force from every angle.
Poonami is amazing. Ha ha ha ha!
The “WTF Am I activating a damn button here?” craps. The kind when you THINK (you poor bastard you) the kid is done with her morning constitutional, so you wipe the butt. That activates something, and another turd squeezes out. You wipe again, and LO! Another poopy present. This repeats AT LEAST one more time until you just give up, slap another diaper on the activated ass, and figure you’ll check again in 20 minutes
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We’d need animation to illustrate that anomaly. Thanks for that one. Precious!
We call that the “They’re Never Empty” poop around here.
Yay? Ha ha!
Being the lifelong gamer-geeks that my husband and I are, in our house the Squirrel Tail is called “Not a Triforce” due to the fact that usually, it’s seeped out over the top of the diaper in a triangular shape, and it usually doesn’t even appear until the boy leans forward or is picked up.
(Reference is due to the way that Link and Zelda and Ganon’s triforce markings mysteriously start glowing on their hands during cutscenes in most of the Zelda games of the last decade or so)
I’m now in Nerdvana. [ whisper-screaming to self ] “ohmygod… need a heath pack… to recover… from all the awesomeness” AMAAAAAAZING! As you might have guessed Charlie and I had spent “some” time playing video games when we were growing up.
OMG, I love a good poop story.
I would add the mustard-squirt-bottle diaper load. In my firstborn’s first week home, I was changing his tiny newborn diaper and missed the signs that he was about to explode again. I had his tush hoisted in the air by his ankles. Then all of a sudden, it was as if someone had toppled a bottle of mustard and slammed a fist down onto it; with a “squirt, SQUIRRRT,” the boy pooped right at me. I stepped out of the way, and it made a bright orange stain in the middle of the nursery’s beige carpet.
Wow! That one would need to be videoed. By like… a forensic team or the Ghostbusters. Ha ha!
Just found your site, and I can’t read it late at night from laughing so hard and loud–I don’t want to wake my now 1st grader up!
Anyway, my favorite poop story: While in diapers, she had this weird habit of hiding under breakfast counter to poop. One day, it was very quiet in the house (a bad sign) and I found her in The Poop Place, looking very deep in thought. I said, “Babe, do you need to go poop?” and, with a red face, she growled, “nnnnnn-NNNOOOOO….”
What was produced was Poo Nugget the size of a Ding Dong snack cake. I still have NO idea how something so large came out someone so small.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oops! shhhhhhh. (whispering) We get told that a lot, that our readers wake up their little ones when they come here.
We feel bad for you all, but not really, we’re too busy basking in the glow of pride.
About the humonga-nugget: totally! Sorry. (whispering again) The ones that look like they belong on the Fall season gourds and squash display at the grocery store are pretty spooky too.
I should not have read this at work…LOLOLOLOL. God bless you guys, butt this is funny…the TRUE universal experience!
Recently added to our son’s repertoire is the ‘chips-and-salsa diaper’. One too many corn tortillas (especially when he doesn’t bother to chew them enough)…..need I say more?
No… pretty sure you already said too much *pushes away the mexican she was eating for lunch*
Hilarious!
Around my house, it’s pretty much all WTF?!?! and then you have to shake it out of the cloth diaper and into the toilet. As much as I love using cloth, I don’t appreciate the extra poop-time it buys me.
Adding another late entry: the How The F. My 10 month old son had one where there was no sign of it at all where it should have been, but it was smeared ALL AROUND the waist band.
Urg! That’s a good one, and by good one, I mean awful.
After a week of baby, we returned to the doctor’s office for my wife’s check up. As noobies, we thought baby had a messy diaper. It was a sneak attack. I got to see the launch in slow motion as the yellow sludge decorated my wife’s black skirt.
Of course, we didn’t have a change of clothes for my wife.
The sounds like the Time Bomb! See the sequel: http://www.howtobeadad.com/2011/7053/part-deuce-types-diaper-loads
The coloration might not be the same, but in every other way it works I think.
It’s okay if I laugh my ass off at your misfortune, now that it’s over and the skirt has long since been tossed or laundered, right?
These were wild!
Thank God for cloth diapers, we haven’t had a single blowout getting past our dipes in the last 18 months. And most of the ‘stuff’ goes right into the toilet with the disposale liners, no stinking up the house for days in the trash
Loved these. One of my sons literally sprayed the wall next to the changing table with yellow mustard poop while I was “cheering” him on by saying “PUSH PUSH, GO GO GO, PUSH PUSH”. We were renting a house at the time and panicked as we didn’t want it to stain the paint. I wish SO badly that we had taken a quick picture of the scene before we cleaned it up. With one of my boys, I used to have to change his diaper on one end of our long couch, with the couch completely covered with a shower curtain, and he would spray nearly the length of the couch with his blast of mustard poop! (Again, why didn’t I take a picture????).
Another son sauced my shirt in the picture at this link:
https://plus.google.com/photos/118139864009641287364/albums/5699858753526145937?authkey=COnn1K2R-eG3Bg
Fun times!
The world is a lesser place for you not having taken those pictures. Ha ha ha ha! I’ve so been there, those missed photo ops. Even for something as revolting as poop catastrophes.
I have a 3 weeks old baby
This blog make me laugh and cry at the same time
XD
Thank you for telling us the truth
The worst poop is to come xD
Wow! Thanks! Always super amazing to hear that!
The worst and the BEST is to come!
We have one called the Menchie (named after the yogurt chain around here called Menchies). This is when diaper is off and the soft serve just starts streaming out like you pulled the yogurt serving handle. nothing you can do but put your hand under it and watch the yogurt swirl grow in your hand for about 5 seconds, so you dont get dirty the changing table
If you’re lucky the little crunchy toppings dont come included with the yogurt swirl
I’m wondering whether I’ll forgot this comment before the next time I have fro-yo. Ha ha ha ha! ohgodstrikemedownnow.
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My wife and I use a diaper classification patterned after the Fujita Scale that is used to rank the intensity of a tornado (F1-F5).
With 5 kids, we created our own diaper classification system for dirty diapers. It has worked out rather well.
Dirty Diaper Classifications are as follows:
Class 1 – Wet Diaper
Class 2 – Dirty Diaper
Class 3 – Fully Saturated, filled to capacity (these are the best because you really got your money’s worth out of that diaper)
Class 4 – Dirty Diaper, leaking. (Change of clothing required)
Class 5 – You undress the child in the bathtub or laundry sink.
It has worked out quite well for us and our 5 kids. It makes sharing your day so much easier with your significant other. “Today Lily had a Class 5 diaper-fill while we were at the store, and I’d forgotten that I didn’t have a change of clothes in the diaper bag after yesterday’s Class 4…” or “Hey, could you change Emma’s diaper? It is a Class 1.5 (Fully saturated, seeping through to clothes, cannot wait until next commercial break).
This is amazing. I should do an infographic for this chart!
That would be cool!
Can’t remember when I laughed this hard in regards to my child’s bowel movements. Well done sir!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We are expecting our first child in roughly 10 weeks, and my husband has only ever changed ONE diaper. I’ve spent the last 30 minutes laughing silently with tears rolling down my face in fear of waking him up after his night shift. As a live-in nanny for triplets, I’ve experienced all of these. I can’t WAIT to see what names my hubby comes up with. I’m showing him this to keep him informed and awake tonight at work!! Thanks guys!!
I’m laughing along with you at the thought of your husband being exposed, full force, to the magical and every changing world that lies inside dirty diapers. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Good stuff !!
- Steven Burda
Father of two
I came across one the other day that I’m not certain counts as a “diaper load” but…
The Poop Gun.
Load (feed), remove safety (diaper), cock (pull legs back), FIRE!!!
Nice straight shot over the bed where I was changing HER and onto my white tank… What landed on my foot was just back-splatter from the force with which it hit my stomach.
Ha ha! Click this link and check out the bottom left of the sequel we created. It comes pretty close to what you just described.
http://www.howtobeadad.com/2011/7053/part-deuce-types-diaper-loads
My husband and I changed the first dirty diaper on our first (of four) child together… it was meconium goo; when we took the diaper off, she started pushing, and it was like a bubble gum bubble. Bigger, bigger, bigger, POP! Eww. We will NEVER forget THAT diaper change.
Jumperoo explosion.
We had this one happen a couple times. Full diaper plus jumperoo doesn’t work well. Poo all over the seat area, kid, walls, and floor in a five foot radius. Of course this was just as we were running late to get somewhere.
Oh man, this is so funny. The comments are gold, too.
My daughter introdued us to what we call “Poosplosions”. She only pooped a nice runny breastfed poo once every 6 days or so. No diaper can contain THAT. With my second child I decided to use cloth in the hope that we would be able to avoid poo leaking like with my daughter (through her disposable, onesie, pants, the seatbelt hole in the baby seat and onto the car seat below while simultaneously creeping up her back almost to her armpits. Or even better: through all her clothing and the baby wrap/carrier and onto me). We were rewarded with a baby who managed to do similar Poosplosion multiple times a day until 2 years of age!!!! Cloth nappies managed to contain way more than disposables. But to be fair, he didn’t have the same build-up. The few times I had him in disposables, the results were catastrophic.
Oh, and you forgot to mention the sultana poo. I will never forget finding my son in the playroom eating sultanas that I hadn’t given him – WTF?. He was completely covered in brown “sauce” and so was the whole room… urgh!
This was hilarious! Great job!
ROTLOL @ sultana poo!
May I also suggest the “Rolling Stone”? Similar to the Houdini, however you can watch the trajectory.
Great site!!
or rolling stones? and no matter how careful you are they roll in different directions! Almost impossible not to have an escapee or two.
Don’t know if you’ve seen this TV ad before, it’s the reason we aussies now ‘affectionately’ call poop explosions ‘number 3s’
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! AMAZING AD!!! It reminds me of the scene in Raising Arizona (one of my fave films) where the paint bomb goes of in the car. Loved the video share! Ha ha ha ha!
The mudbath. Similar to the squirrel tail, only this version extends all the way up to baby’s neck, in front AND back. Wouldn’t have believed it could really happen to a baby that’s changed regularly, till it did. LOL
LOL! It’d be wrong to use a garden hose on a little one, but it would also be useful.
I had an Inverted Exorcist and my BFF (whose son is 6 hours younger than mine) had a Squirrel Tail today.
[...] in your relationship with your toilet. Then, if you’re like us and notice certain tenacious log jammers don’t give up the fight so easily, you grab a stick from the woodpile, CLEARLY label the [...]
Probably it has already been mentioned, but a combination of some or all of the above is fatal.
Absolutely. Time to lob the kid into a pond and bury the diaper/clothes.
This is awesome!! Loved it! When my son was 5 weeks old I was holding him facing out and his butt in my right hand. In the middle of my conversation I started yelling “he’s pooping in my hand!” Sure enough it was like there was no diaper on this kid and slimy poop was oozing all over my hand! I think I did the weirdest run in my life trying to get back to the nursery to change him and not drip all over the carpet and not hold him against so as to not ruin my outfit. Years off my life!
I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I’m so tired or because of how hard I laughed at your comment, but I want to get my wife a t-shirt that says “HE’S POOPING IN MY HAND!” I’m not saying it’s the most t-shirt-able phrase, but still… did I mention I’m really tired?
As is obviously my style to be late at this point…when my daughter was born she was hospitalized for severe jaundice and hooked up to all sorts or crap. Nobody warned us about the weird beginning baby poops and when I went to go change her I had to be very careful not to disturb all of her plugs and IV junk…well I had her laid in my lap changing her with her bottom point up towards the equipment and out shot (by shot I mean through the air flying and landed a foot away) what can only be described as spinach…I screeched, the nurses and my husband came running and then I was told that spinach poops are normal…we all got a good laugh and I got to feel silly because flying baby spinach had startled enough of a screech out of me to cause everyone to come running.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Wiping a tear of laughter away) Oh god! Thanks for the laugh, it was an award-winning laugh.
These are all great. We’ve coined one “The Twister” you open up the diaper prematurely and all of a sudden everything is covered in poop, the walls, the floor the bathtub; you. You can’t move, just like the game; feet stuck in their spots because everything is covered in poop. When you call your husband at 3 am to come wipe up a path to the door, he’s utterly confused.
Oh, and feeding your child baby food prunes before getting on an airplane…NOT A GOOD IDEA. Two in diapers and the youngest “blasted” through 3 outfits on the 1.5 hour flight and ended up wearing his older brothers sweatshirt as a pair of pants on his way off the plane. I think I’ll vacuum seal him from the waist down on the next trip!
Not a good idea at all. Like pulling the pin on a grenade. Yikes!
Lol my lo is 9 months the worst I’ve delt with was at about six am she woke up crying I woke up in a drowsy stupor picked her up walked into the living room sat down only to hearthe dreadful wet sound wearing nothing but a diaper my daughter looked up with a haha look on her face I already could feel the warmth seeping onto my bare thighs I picked her up in one of the please don’t let it be so kind of ways sure enough it’s all over my legs and leaking onto my chair I quickly pulled the changing pad into place on the floor and slow turned her away from me to my surprise don’t ask me how but it’s up her back almost in her beautiful blonde hair I peeled the diaper off my now giggling baby and what does she do she puts her hand and it and is insistent on touching me with her hands ugh I couldnt have been more thankful for our bath tub on my way out of the bathroom I was faced with the one thing more disgusting than the mess my daughter was delighted to make me clean up I had forgotten to pick up the poopy diaper off the floor and our shizo poodle has completely licked it clean and is attempting to eat the diaper itself
Ha ha ha ha ha ha (dry heave) ha ha ha ha!
One of my greatest surprises as a new parent was how loud the soundtrack to the Inverted Exorcist was. After a few weeks stuck at home we ventured out to a Barnes & Noble. My baby wanted to nurse (as he did 90 percent of the time those days, but that’s another story) so I found an out of the way corner with an empty wooden chair. Due to the fact that it was fairly secluded a college student was sitting on the floor, books of research open and spread out around her. She had no objections to my nursing there, but that was probably because she did not know that one activity unleashes another. My son’s bottom was at the same level, pointed toward and only about two feet removed from her head when he got to work. It was so loud. Like hot fudge sauce in an industrial sized container beginning to run empty, full of air bubbles, alternately gurgling and spluttering as it is expelled at high pressure. There was no flying shrapnel, or any seepage beyond the diaper, but the sound effects alone were enough to get the girl to pick up every one of her books and leave the area. I was both mortified and trying not to lose it laughing (sleep was also a distant memory at that point).
LOL! This is amazing! Sometimes it’s that sounds that make it seem like the end of the world is coming out of your baby’s butt! Ha ha!
This is how our son earned the nickname “Boom boom” within hours of his birth
LOL…i also had this experience when i was changing diaper with baby.. and suddenly it went BAZOOKA with a 90 degree projectile leaving a straight line from my arm to my legs i’m glad i wasn’t facing directly on his booty.
i still have tears on my face from laughing so hard.
thank you for this.
“this thing could power a sub” – it seems we have a solution to our reliance on oil and gas.
The Houdini and The Inverted Exorcist are both one part mystical and one part scary. Every time I’m on the receiving end of those I’m puzzled and a bit horrified. Our youngest daughter favors the Exorcist. Her Mom and I are both hoping that demon leaves soon.
LOL I’ve changed all those diapers before.
These things should be taught to babysitters, too. The first poo diaper that I changed was atrocious! It had come out of the top and both leg holes, smeared up her back into her hair and down to her toes. I washed her off in a shower, got her dressed and changed the sheets, cleaned the carpeting, wiped down the wall, and marveled how all of that came out of one little girl! I am an only child and didn’t have kids around me much. That first poo diaper was my first diaper at all! I was amazed that such a thing was possible!
You forgot about the doodies that dye the butt! Spaghetti always does it over here– if I want her to have an orange bootie, I just feed her some pasta! Too bad I’m not clever enough to think of a clever name for this terrible and fascinating phenomena….
Silly me. I’m always forgetting things.
The Frankenstein Earthworm: sounds cute enough but it is earth moving… Mostly because I was in the other room trying to sleep. My sister and husband were kind enough to give me a break and I heard some quiet mufflings in the diapper changing area, then there was a scream, followed by another and “Oh my gosh it’s alive!”. She was trying to recruit any form of help and my husand naievely approached. He too screamed (in a more manly kind of way) and between gags he shouted: “It just keeps coming out”. I was in hysterics and sickly curious of the sight but I would not risk losing my precious bedtime. In the end there were a couple towel casualties and two shell-shocked civilians.
All I can think of is the Tremors movie series. Yuk, with a capital Yikes!
I found this article this morning, it’s what brought me to your site. I was laughing so hard I was in tears. Perfect, absolutely perfect. I’ve got two older boys and a 5 mo old baby girl, I’ve experienced all of these. Had to show to my husband and I hear silence while he’s reading and I’m thinking you have got to be kidding me he doesn’t think these are funny? Suddenly I hear a gut wrenching cackle…The Houdini. He was done for.
Ghost Face Killer. You heard it, you saw the kid with the thousand yard stare, posture that makes you hurt just to look at it but you open it up to find nothing. Was it ever really there? Did it roll off the table or will I find it a footy pajama later?
Oh my goodness, I had to put both hands over my mouth to stop myself from gagging. Showed my three kids these pics and they thought they were super hilarious! My eldest who is now out of diapers, even wanted me to point out which one related to him and his twin siblings. I am super grossed out yet intrigued by how you guys put in so much thought into your ‘well-researched’ portrayal of excrement. A scientific marvel
My work here is done.
You may want to mention the poop tube.
Simply put, as there really is nothing simple about it, but a baby gets poop completely down one leg of their pants, but wait. You only find this out AFTER pulling off a sock, essentially “uncorking” the poop tube.
This is excellent! We will be featuring this diaper instructional diagram on our weekely show this week! Thanks for the laugh http://www.babysense.com/live
Rad! Send us a link!
Didn’t read everything so I hope I’m not repeating. We get “the impressionist” when you pull off the diaper and its an imprint of the baby’s “parts”.
Two of my children (now pre-teens and a teenager) were “poop picassos”. If you did not react quick enough everything within reach was painted in poop. We’re talking walls, cribs, blankets, and babies. Funny thing is that the oldest is now an excellent artist. Makes you wonder…lol. Thank goodness for clothespins, febreeze, and bleach.