How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Hyper-dad-dria (the flip-side to Hypo-mom-dria)

Posted by on May 31st, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Dad Hypochondria Picture Explanation

 

[ click the image to enlarge ]

Back in the day (about two months ago), we created a diagram called “Hypo-mom-dria” as a play on the hypochondria some mother’s get into with regard to their little ones. It illustrated the alterations that can occur between what is really seen and what is mentally perceived. Since we’re all about fairness and equality at How To Be A Dad, we’ve created one for dads. Hyper-dad-dria. Yeah, hard to make sense of and even harder to say.

Before you start writing a really well-composed hate comment, remember three things: 1) we love those comments, so we’re immune, 2) we’re not saying EVERY dad is like this, to this extreme. And of course, 3) if you really had a problem with this, you may want to consider excavating the thing that crawled up your butt and died, remembering that there are such things as humor and satire. But that’s just for the uppity haters out there, the rest can enjoy without following any numbered list.

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56 Comments

56 Responses to “Hyper-dad-dria (the flip-side to Hypo-mom-dria)”

    • andy says:

      YAY! Self-deprecation is a signature attribute at HTBAD. We figure if you can’t laugh at yourself, you are probably in for a miserable sort of life. Or you can’t laugh because you had one of those awful robo-voice box thingies installed and when you try to it just sounds like a Cylon with hiccups.

  1. Laurel says:

    My husband tends to be the opposite.

  2. Julio Ibanez says:

    “WALK IT OFF!”

    At which point, I’m promptly reminded by several by-standers that my 11 month old daughter does not, in fact, walk.

  3. taylor says:

    we just barely had our first baby and somewhere around week two he stopped pooping. After like half a week of no poop my wife was frantic. His little belly just got bigger and bigger and my wife was convinced he was in serious trouble. I, meanwhile, just started changing his diapers at light speed knowing full well that when that sucker blew it was going to be the Mt. Saint Helens of diaper nightmares.

  4. Daddy O says:

    My wife and I have reversed roles to the above. I am much more likely to call an ambulance for a hangnail. She is more likely to put a band-aid on something that could use six stitches.

    • andy says:

      Ha ha! It really is different for everyone. And there’s no real right or wrong set of responses, but the extremes can pretty funny.

  5. matt says:

    where do you guys get this stuff LOLOL mattty

  6. LB says:

    I conquer

  7. MotherDuck says:

    My husband, Wellington, grew up in Zimbabwe and there really wasn’t access to doctors for him so his remedies include, salt in wounds, performing “surgeries” on himself and if it itches “cut it off.” Whenever my daughters complain about any maladies he pretty much just says, “bring me a knife,” and the go running. It comes in handy but sometimes I have to go back perform motherly triage.

  8. MotherDuck says:

    My husband, Wellington, grew up in Zimbabwe and there really wasn’t access to doctors for him so his remedies include, salt in wounds, performing “surgeries” on himself and if it itches “cut it off.” Whenever my daughters complain about any maladies he pretty much just says, “bring me a knife,” and they go running. It comes in handy but sometimes I have to go back perform motherly triage.

  9. Desiree says:

    This chart describes my dad to a tee. You must have met him…

  10. Kat says:

    Cool scar! Ha!

  11. Alli says:

    as one who has gotten several very bad sunburns (stupid red hair and fair skin) I can attest to the very likeness a sunburn has to a science experiment. The skin peeling is really the only good side to a sunburn. Just never let the kid keep the skin, it crosses over to creepy at that point. :)

    • andy says:

      Gross! But then, really, all kids are just different shades of gross, right?

      That reminds me, parents can be super gross, too. I heard about the mom of a friend of mine who saved all of her baby teeth and made them into a necklace. Which I had to refrain from saying I thought was practically psychotic.

      To each his own. I guess.

  12. SuzRocks says:

    This could alternatively be titled ‘hyper-nurse-dria’. I looked at all those pictures, and thought, “Whiner…that’s just a little broken bone, just like a splinter.”

    My best friend told me that I (a nurse) am one of the most unempathetic person she’s ever met.

    Apparently, I am going to make an AWESOME dad! I hope my husband doesn’t mind. :)

    • andy says:

      Hah! Sooooooooo true. I think a part of your body actually needs to explode in front of some doctors and nurses for them to even lift their eyebrows. And even then, that facial action is probably only to keep any spattered blood from dripping into their eyes while they level a stoney stare at you.

  13. Elizabeth says:

    I remember when my dad accidentally slammed my fingers in the Van door. He swore they were fine! A week later, they were still purple so he finally took me to the doctor and they were pissed! They couldn’t believe he’d waited so long, lol. :) The best was when I had tonsilitis, strep and mono all at the same time. He swore I was just coming down with yet another sinus infection until my tonsils turned green a few days later. He finally took it seriously! I really did have the coolest dad ever, but he was HORRIBLE when it came to illness or broken bones, lol.

    • andy says:

      LOL! I love it (in a good way). That’s exactly why we presented this! My dad was kind of half and half, but it was all good because my mom was a registered nurse, so I guess he had a bit of a safety net. Ha ha!

  14. Aaron says:

    That’s hilarious. Ours was more along the lines of “Well, I think you’re okay, but ask your mom when she gets home.” Which, of course, ended with a trip to the doctor.

    • andy says:

      I love this comment. Ha ha ha ha!

    • Henrik says:

      My grandpa happened to bring a neighbour kid along when he was cutting down an apple tree. As the chainsaw chipped and nearly flew out of his hands with a spin the chain went through his pants. He counted the layers and found no trace of blood. Looking up at the kid next to him he saw that the chain instead had cut the thigh muscle on the boy. Not daring to face this he sent the boy home to his mother, along the same lines: “I think it´s ok but go home and ask your mother”!
      Not sure if it was qualified to be the nonchalant dad-syndrome above or if it was patrial cowardness…

  15. Nina says:

    this is hysterical. as is the mother one which I TOTALLY related to (my darn ped would NOT prescribe antibiotics just to make me feel better when my son was sick…damn bacterial infections!). and please do make a list including duct tape and butterfly bandages. no one ever needed stitches or bones set with these in the house, according to my dad! :)

    • andy says:

      Nice! You’ve got a good crew when duct tape, butterfly bandages and maybe some twine every once in a while does the trick holding things together. Glad you liked it. :)

  16. [...] think this disclaimer to hater comment leavers is extremely [...]

  17. How DARE you paint all of us afflicted with the Y chromosome with such prejudice and stereotyping! You’re nothing but a bunch of myso- ..misoguy- ..missogonist- OK, what’s that word for being a girl hater? Well, you’re that, only the guy version…which, come to think of it doesn’t exist. But if it did you’d totally be that. Have you ever even MET a guy? I mean….just a sec…. Um, oh, you ARE guys.

    Never mind.

    Love these things. Nailed it as usual. Keep ‘em coming!

    • andy says:

      We’re not sure if we’re guys sometimes. So I can understand why that might be questionable. We are most definitely massagenists though, because of our love a a good back rub. So… we’re in touch with something… again, though, not sure if it’s feminine, masculine or nerdy.

      We love that you love ‘em. We’ll keep going! ;)

  18. [...] “put duct tape on it and walk it off” style of failing to see anything wrong, with our Hyper-dad-dria illustration. Now it’s time to focus on [...]

  19. Shawn says:

    After four children and countless foster children, my fifth child benefits from my wisdom. If he’s screaming like a banshee, but the sound is moving, or getting closer, I relax…if he were THAT hurt, he wouldn’t be able to move. When he’s hurt, and quiet, that’s when I move it!
    When he runs & falls, he can get up and come to me for a ‘healing kiss’. Daddy’s there for him, but if he knows he can get an ‘owie’ and live, he’ll handle life so much better.
    Now, as a funny story (at least I howled), friends (uber over protective) were over with their toddler, whom they put in my bed to nap-with a monitor on. I snuck into the room and made LOUD choking noises. They jumped and bolted to go upstairs…until they realized why everyone was laughing. I love it.

    • andy says:

      Wow. You’re absolutely right about the audio analysis that happens in microseconds by parents. There are so many subtle signals sent by our kids wailing that mean completely different danger levels to us. And the scale’s sensitivity does change as we have more kids. Great comment!

    • andy says:

      Forgot to comment on the baby monitor prank: LMFAO!!!

  20. awesome – ya, you men just kinda suck. (looking for some of my own haters within your comment thread) ;)

  21. Joanne Burch says:

    LOL. If we said something hurt, my dad would say, “Get me the hammer, I’ll hit your thumb, and it won’t hurt anymore.
    Even my mom would ask, “Is it bleeding?”

  22. Sarah says:

    This is both me and my husband, so our kids are gonna be half-dead before they see a doctor. I’m also one to ask, “Should we cut it off?” I’m a pretty good liar and can keep a straight face, so even after 2 years of being with my husband my stepkids (5 and 6) still don’t know quite how to respond to that question.

  23. Kimmer says:

    My dad didn’t flinch when we got bucked off, run over, kicked in the head (glancing blow), body-checked, charged or bitten by ~1,000 pound animals. I credit Vietnam with his steel, but his own wild-adventure childhood deserves credit too.

    But he took head injuries, snake bites & “deep” cuts seriously. He’s the one who taught me that “if they are making a lot of noise, they are probably fine” (tons of blood & bite patterns aside).

  24. Jo says:

    Super glue is always high on the list here for gaping wounds…for all other comments refer to Facebook… ;) (Joanna Sprik)

  25. hannah says:

    Its so funny, my dad was this dad. When my sister’s elbow was broken and you could see the bone, he put it back in wraped it up and never took her to the doctor. When my brother had three degree burns on hands and face he put Aloe Vera leaves on them and Vaseline! I even remember having a dislocated shoulder at 12 and he popped it back in. His words ” i cant afford to take you the doctor, I can do it for free! True story my dad had 10 kids so he was right about everything!

  26. Mary says:

    According to many other moms, I suffer from this hyper-dad-dria. But, I’m raising a boy . . . so, I know I’ve got to let him be a boy. Sometimes, I pull a stupid (as my mom calls it) and I’ll sit and watch him doing something that could hurt him, but it doesn’t register until it’s too late. Like, playing with a soda can. I saw nothing wrong with it at first and just as I said, “Hey, you can cut yours- . . . “, the blood started squirting. I’m still a decent mom, though. I never leave home without a first aid kit. :D

    • Mary says:

      I also suffer from other kinds of poor judgement. My son wanted to go down the porch steps to the stone patio at my sister’s house. As he approached the top step and turned around for the backward decent I saw his heels go over the edge and he teetered. He managed to keep his balance though (very proud) until I reached out to help him down and pushed him instead. If anyone were watching I believe it might actually have looked deliberate. :(

  27. I was going to completely disagree with this, but then I remembered when my 2yo fell and I said, “I’m sure she’ll be fine” and my wife took her to an emergency room where they said she had a broken collar bone. Guess I see your point.

    Though the protruding bone would get to me and WHOA! is spot on for projectile vomiting through the first kid, but you learn to power through that eventually.

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