Universal Birth Reaction Assessment Tool
[ click the image to enlarge ]
Fact. Moms have a monopoly on pain when it comes to child birth. There is a medical chart called the Universal Pain Assessment Tool that doctors and nurses use to gauge it. Sure, it’s stupid and useless. But what about dads? Dads deserve something stupid and useless, too!
We consider it our duty to fill the void. We’ve created this helpful chart so that medical professionals and expectant first-time fathers alike can be better informed about what to expect in the delivery room FROM FATHERS. Charlie’s skill as an actor and my craft as a designer, coupled with both of our recent experience as observers of child birth, have come together in this potent Instructional Diagram.
Yes, Charlie and I know we can’t unsee what we have seen. And yeah, we may never look at lasagna the same again, but we know that seeing our wives do what they did and our sons come into this world is something that cannot be given value. It is priceless.
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76 Comments
76 Responses to “Universal Birth Reaction Assessment Tool”
[...] idea from the crew over at How To Be A Dad. It’s a handy chart so that medical professionals and expectant first-time fathers alike can [...]
Thanks, man! Appreciate the linkage!
Good one, I imagine most new fathers fall between 6-11. My husband opted out of the room during the actual delivery. Note: I did not mind. I was too busy screaming to care. Hee.
Love the diagram, as always!
Thanks and LOL!
You know what’s interesting? All the men who’ve commented here or on Twitter/Facebook say they’re a solid 1-2 every time. But when a mom responds, the number skyrockets. Love it.
I had a c-section, and my husband hit an 8 when they asked if he wanted to see the baby as they took him out. I imagine it’s ruined lasagna for him as well.
The diagram is priceless.
Ha ha ha ha! That’s amazing. I know someone who blacked out during an emergency c-section and he wasn’t even in the operating room. Just too many volts for his circuits to handle.
The wonderful, supportive father of my babies who attended all the birthing classes? Hit an “8″ and then a “10″ and then an “x” (went unconscious) during my C-section. I love this chart.
Baby crib = $400. Baby Delivery = $10,000.
Watching a husband hit an “8″ = Priceless.
I LOVE THIS!! Good thing I didn’t see your face Hubby! Also… wait… could sworn I told you not to look
My fingers were crossed when you told me not to look. C’mon! That’s like telling a kid not to peak under the Christmas tree. Just ain’t gonna happen!
If you had looked, m’Luv, I was a 1-2 on the outside, but in all honesty there were moments that I was a well-suppressed 11 on the inside, wishing I was an X.
This is my favorite conversation of the day.
LOL. And The unconscious X is why they don’t allow fathers-to-be to be in the room anymore when the epidural is administered. I was a proud 1 (less if the chart allowed). Nothing grosses me out!! Except that first black tar poop….that was kinda gross.
I know exactly what you mean. I wasn’t grossed out really either, my bigger numbers came from concern and guilt. I can clearly remember thinking, “I will never have sex with my wife ever ever ever again! NEVER!” for what I had done to her. Ha ha! Ah, the miracle of life.
My husband was allowed in the room the entire time even during the epi.
hilarous!
Lasagna. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Sorry! Charlie threw that one out over the phone and then after I was done laughing and he realized I was going to use it, he asked if that might be too much. I figured too much is never enough when you’re talking about child birth.
I personally *loved* the lasagna part! Good choice!
As one of those healthcare professionals that gets to giggle at the dad’s expressions/white face/etc, I think this chart is awesome.
I may even print it out and hand it to expectant dads.
Whoa! “Print it out and hand it to expectant dads”??? How To Be A Dad just became practically doctor recommended! Ha ha!
My husband was calm cool and collected throughout my 36 1/2 hour first labor. He rarely left my side except when they came in to cause more pain then the act of birth actually caused.
When he walked into my hospital room the next morning I saw a stranger he had gone completely gray every hair on his head and his beard had aged. He never lost it LOL
Oh man! We neglected accelared aging. Please forgive us
and know that we very much appreciate you sharing.
I hope we care equally when our daughters come into the world?
Gender wouldn’t matter to me. The idea that it would for some dads or in some cultures, where they would care more or less based on either gender, just creeps and grosses me out.
I can’t wait to have a daughter, if we decide to have another child. I want a little girl I can protect who will have boyfriends that I scare the living sh*t out of….
OHMYGODYES.
My son watched my daughter be born. I will never be able to fully document that reaction.
Or afford the therapy that shall follow.
OMG, my son asked if he could watch Baby 3. I told him I don’t even want to watch Baby 3 being born.
I honestly completely forgot about that aspect: KIDS witnessing the miracle. Ha ha ha! The visual I’m getting is amaaaaaazing!
I do have to say that my husband watched all three of my c-sections and he still wants to have sex. I alternate between being grossed out and grateful.
THAT is hilarious! Lizzie was super concerned I wouldn’t want to because of the “lasagna” factor. Which is just proof that pregnancy and childbirth can have strange effects on a woman’s judgement. She’s gorgeous and I love her and I lost count of the number of times I asked “So, uh, how soon did they say before we can, uh…?”
“we know that seeing our wives do what they did and our sons come into this world is something that cannot be given value”
Whereas our daughters can eat s##t and die.
Wow. That was dark. The statement “our sons” comes from the fact that Charlie and I have only pulled boys in the slot machine of reproduction. Have a look at: http://www.howtobeadad.com/about
Oh, Abie. I wish we were as crass and chauvinistic to say “sons” and mean “children”. Because then that way, we could get even more people to this site by being more shocking.
My wife and I thought were going to have a girl before our son was born. I was BEYOND EXCITED at the idea.
But keep commenting and coming back. WE LOVE HEARING FROM PEOPLE!
Whereas Andy and Charlie are being nice, I wanted to say that your post was just plain rude, Abie. Andy has three SONS, Charlie and I have one child…also a SON. It has nothing to do with girls vs. boys. Perhaps it might be wise to think twice before writing such insulting things to strangers?
Go, Avara! Shakespeare got it wrong. Hell hath no fury like a MOTHER scorned.
P.S. Without trying to sound too preachy, I don’t think Abie’s suggested nutritional program for daughters is very advisable.
Love it! For the record I rocked the birth of my son like i’d been there a million times – held her legs up, cut the chord, all of it. Coming from a dude who can’t give blood because he will pass out at the site of a needle…
I know this is a dumb response, but what you said made me instantly think of “Dadbo: First Blood.” Hey, they can’t all be winners!
Thanks for sharing and for being a rockstar, the world needs as many rad dads as it can muster!
I was a 1 both times with a bit of 2 for good mix. My wife had a C both times so I didn’t see much but did peak over a bit which was a little @#)()$*!@!
We went through 4 years of scientific procedures and Frankenstien like experiments to have our little monsters so I was a bit broken in. Although, I’m not one for gross stuff and by gross I mean anything not directly related to sex.
Brilliant! I like your definition. Gross: adj. anything not directly related to sex. Ha ha ha ha!
But, wait, my interest is peaked. What Frankenstein experimentation did two you have to endure? Sounds fertility related. I’ve got friends that have been trying for years, tried all kinds of crazy stuff, and are ready for cybernetic implants to help out (as soon as they’re covered by their health plan).
You can share, or tell me to STFU. Or turn away and pretend I never even asked anything. After all, this is the Internet.
my husband looked like number 3 the whole time but was thinking like number 8.
Ha ha! Looks can be deceiving. I think we all have our outward numbers and our inward numbers.
Love it. As a mom of 3 I would have appreciated someone informing my husband how NOT to react in the delivery room. As a nurse? I find this absolutely hysterical.
Becoming a dad will be my greatest accomplishment in life. I strongly recommend to all future dads the need to make time for childcare leave. I took 6 weeks. Twice. Looking back the time off being the caregiver for my family was the best investment I ever made. It strengthened the bond with my wife. I never left the hospital. The nurse only took vital signs and administered meds. I did everything else. Each time our child only left the hospital room briefly for the nurses’ shift change. It’s hard to believe this all took place years ago. Now when our family relives those moments my wife and children realize just how special they are to me. Children truly are a miracle from God.
God Bless,
Claude Plowman
Founder, ThisDaddy.com
[...] Universal birth assessment tool for dads. [...]
I really like your chart. And for the most part women do have the monopoly on pain in childbirth, save the rare time a mom in labor actually grabs her hubs crotch and gives it a twist.
I came up with an invention years ago that would let a man who truly, earnestly wants to share the pain of childbirth do it.
A plastic cup cradles the testicles. Then when the woman has a contraction a corresponding jolt of electricity lasting just as long and as intensely goes up the wire to the cup then to his family jewels.
Strangely, no company has stepped forward begging to produce it. Go figure.
Uhhhh… sign me up? “Okay, Honey, get ready to push, here we go (whimper)…AAAAAUURGH!!!”
I admire your fortitude kiddo.
Anything for the woman I love aka the woman who passes a baby out of her vagina for me. Should the occasion arise again, I’m sure she’ll be interested in the prototype.
Love the lasagna comment. My husband described delivery as “watching your best friend being murdered with an ax”.
Charlie made me make a pee pee spot from laughing. But let’s keep that between us, okay? Oh wait…
…12 days ago missed the birth of my son, was conned by Thai nurses that they’d wake me up when something started to happen but woke up naturally just after the happy event – no attempt on their part to involve/revive me.
I think they’d seen your chart and know most foreigners go to 11.5 at least.
I’m still disappointed (I think), my wife’s not (I know).
Oh man, that sucks so bad, but your comment is hilarious! Go get her pregnant again and when she goes into labor, pour super glue all over your hand and high five her playfully.
My promise to you:
YOU NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP THROUGH BIRTH WHILE SUPER GLUED TO A WOMAN DELIVERING A BABY.
hahahaha, I can’t stop laughing!! hahaahaha hahahahaha hahahaha.
Is there such a thing as contagious text laughter? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! YES. Yes, there is.
Lol. I love you guys. My husband and and I had our first baby via home birth in a kiddie pool in our living room! He was so supportive during the “gross bits.” he was in front of me watching the whOle time telling me how close I was. He caught the baby and cut the cord. ( with our midwife- were not birth alone crazies)
he was 1-2 that whole time. But earlier in the day he had to start pulling weeds in the yard to cope with my contractions.
I’ve never seen him so happy to see my mother.
I love love love this comment. Ugh! You people are so crazy amazing! “I’ve never seen him so happy to see my mother.” Ha ha ha ha ha! Congrats!
We’ll promise to keep providing material you can blame your insane laughter on as parenthood drives you insane.
We spent a great deal of time preparing my doctor. Explaining to them that he would in fact pass out if he had to see or deal with anything gross. We explained that despite his time fighting in two wars for some reason his brain considers child birth very different. He also cannot give blood without passing out. (that has changed since then but at the time he couldn’t)
Well that all went out the window when due to NO fluid I had to have her almost a month early and she was not handling contractions well. Cue: emergency c-section DURING a tornado. The doctors were on the phone with their kids telling them to get into the closet during my c-section. The nurses in other parts of the hospital were rushing patients into the inner parts of the hospital. They didn’t give a sh*t about him passing out. They whipped her out of me as fast as possible and handed her to him without a thought. They plopped that placenta down right next to him. When he tells the story of that day it will bring tears to your eyes from laughter. He said it took everything he had as a Marine to NOT pass out. I am not sure who was traumatized more me or him! I didn’t get to see my daughter for close to six hours because of the weather. They had to put the babies some place secure. So in the end he had the look of 3 but he was at an 11,00000000 in his head. So that is the first and last time I will do THAT.
You need to sell movie rights to this comment! WOW!!!
What a story! Most military guys i know about passed out too. As a medic my husband as seen a whole host of grizzly things, but he threatened to divorce me if i ever made him sit with me through another c-section.
Best story ever!
“We may never look at lasagna the same again…” So, so hilarious. I’ll have to tell my husband this (and dad to our 16 month old) and see what he says.
Just stumbled onto your site via Pinterest and I’m loving you guys. I’m pinning you ask we speak!
We love our pinterest community. So glad you found us and even gladderer that you’re helping to spread the word, you rockstar! Thanks!
[...] Check out our related Instructional Diagram! An indispensable tool for the birthing process. [...]
An Annie & Isabel designer hospital gown might help distract the hubbies from what they are seeing and help reduce the birth reaction:-) This is our favorite assessment tool!!!!!
Ha ha! Nice plug. But you forgot the link.
http://www.annieandisabel.com
NOTE: There are no Ed Hardy hospital gowns on this website, people. It’s a Douchebag-Free zone.
Been sharing this assessment tool with every pregnant couple I know (which is quite a few these days!) Everyone gets a huge kick out of it!
Wow! Go you! You rock, THANKS!
Thanks for posting this. Our first born came along 1 week ago and my wife swears I hit more than a few of these marks. The best part of your article was when my wife asked about the lasagna reference. When she first mentioned it, I wasn’t sure lasagna made sense. But as I described lasagna, I busted out laughing and said next time we’d use a mirror so she too could understand. I guess it’s one of those things you just have to see to understand. Anyway, you guys are killar. Thanks for writing about this stuff. My wife and I love it.
Ha ha ha ha! That’s so fantastic! I love the sneak attack the lasagna joke made on you, but don’t you dare hand a woman in labor a mirror. If she gets an upclose and personal look at the process, she may break the glass and then someone is going to die or be seriously injured. Ha ha!
I was there for wifey’s daughter #3, my daughter #1. Saw everything except the epi, helped cut the cord, carried over to the drying table. Did not witness that after, which from what I understand, was a smart choice. Daughter #4 I wasn’t there. Stupid deployment. Child #5, which is due around Aug.-Sept. timeline, I will probably be there for everything as well.
Wow! You’re a pro x5!
Hilarious! What another view to look at. Fortunately I had a husband who actually fell in 1-2 range and did great. We’ll see how #2 is!
Seems like most don’t go past two, maybe three, but that wouldn’t have made for a terrifically funny diagram, right?
Not sure what my wife would rate me as, I will have to ask her when she and our 17 year old get home from hockey practice tonight. I would rate myself as a 5 on the first, but by the time we got done with number 6, a -2. I knew when she was going to deliver the last one, but could not get the nurse to get the doctor. I ended up delivering our youngest (2 years), but the doctor got in the room in time to cut the cord and clean her up.
Now for number 4, I had to leave after the birth, they could not get the blood to stop. She ended up losing almost 2 quarts by the time they stopped it. Now that was scary.
That sounds crazy scary! Lucas was rough, but it would have moved me way up the scale if there had been that much blood loss. Not because I’m squeamish but because IT’S F##KING HARD TO WATCH YOUR WIFE IN PAIN/DANGER!!!! Whew. Okay, I’m better now.