Parent Solved Mysteries
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Being a parent these days means that we have to play a lot of different roles. From chauffeur, nurse, cook, maid, entertainment supervisor, emergency plumber, etc., etc., etc., the parental resume bullet points just keep stacking up.
One of the unexpected roles parents have is playing detective. Which isn’t to say that our kids are criminals…at least not yet. Kids are adorable and have a lot of fantastic qualities but sometimes they “forget” to take care of some basic pieces of hygiene. Even when they’re told once or seventeen times. Or they simply lie their little improperly-wiped butts off about having done them.
Since grilling your child in an empty room under a bare lightbulb hasn’t been good parenting since…well never, it’s our job to do a little bit of investigative work to make sure our children aren’t festering piles of disease and filth.
Here’s a list of tips for investigating the four most common hygiene crimes that kids commit.
The Toothbrushing Mystery
Like the sun rising and setting, it happens twice a day. You ask your lovable little one “Did you brush your teeth?” and the answer is almost always “uhhhh…yeah.” That pause may be the first clue that your youngster might not have done a great job at cleaning their tiny toofers, if they even brushed at all.
To crack the case:
- Determine if the toothbrush is wet.
- Check if the brush smells minty, in case they only did a “wet” brush fake out.
- Is the mirror and faucet splattered with enough toothpaste to indicate a thorough and vigorous brushing?
- Smell their breath to see if it’s wintery fresh or more like an old can of cat food.
If the answers aren’t to your liking, BUSTED, and you can sentence them to another trip the sink.
DO NOT install a bathroom motion-activated nanny cam. It’s just a bit too Big Brother, and you might just accidentally catch dad passing some bad tacos.
The Showering Question
For kids, washing the bod isn’t exactly tops on their list of favorite activities. So it’s not a shocker that they don’t always do a squeaky-clean job, and sometimes they’re just lying through their probably unbrushed teeth about having taken a shower at all.
To reveal the answer:
- Recall if you heard any water running?
- Test their hair and towels to see if they’re at all damp.
- Is there enough water on the floor for a large fish to survive?
- Does their hair smell like a haunted bog or feel like a bowl of leftover cornflakes?
If your kid doesn’t pass the investigation, then it’s time for another stretch in the shower cell.
DO NOT try to frame your child for a crime they did not commit in order to coerce a shower-related confession. This doesn’t just burn the bridge of trust between a parent and child, it napalms it.
The Fecal Fallacy
As a parent you probably never thought that you’d see Uranus and the fact is that you probably won’t unless you have a mirror or a large telescope. That said when it comes to anuses there’s a good chance that your kid’s butthole hasn’t been visited with enough toilet paper.
To get to the bottom (hee hee) of it:
- See if there is even toilet paper in the bathroom.
- Ascertain if your child’s nether region smells like a broken sewer main.
- Check if their fingers smell like they’ve been making sandcastles in a loaded kitty litter box. Itchy butt cracks aren’t clean butt cracks.
- See if their underwear has skid marks the size a drag racer would lay down.
DO NOT hire a forensics team to inspect for an excess presence of fecal particles or clumps. It’s astonishingly expensive, not to mention pretty embarrassing.
The Handwashing Conundrum
Washing your hands seems like such a simple task. There’s water and soap and a little bit of scrubbing, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, it’s easier to teach a kangaroo how to clean a carburetor than it is to get kids to wash their hands on a regular basis or even on an irregular basis. And not just wiggling their fingers under running water for a millisecond!
To unravel the truth:
- See if your kid’s hands smell like soap or a four-day-old gym sock.
- Notice if there’s enough dirt in their fingernails to grow a carrot.
- Find out if their hands are actually wet. Kids are terrible at drying, so it’s a good sign if they’re damp or soaking wet.
- Is the water still running? Also a good indication of the performance of at least an attempt at handwashing.
DO NOT show them terrible diseases online to scare them straight. Kids are little nightmare factories on their own, and hasn’t 2020 been terrifying enough?
And there you have it! A mostly comprehensive-ish list of how to ferret out the truth when it comes to your children’s hygiene (or lack thereof). Happy sleuthing and good health!
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