How to Be a Dad

Safety from Children: Baseball Bat Warning

Posted by Andy on February 16th, 2012, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Attention: Adults trying out new things tend to suck pretty badly at them at first. Kids are the same in this respect, only smaller and more energetic. It’s this smallness though, that happens to create a dramatic increase in Peril for nearby adults. You see, for a child, when something goes wrong while learning or practicing, it’s going to happen at a lower height. Hence PERIL! “Hitting foul balls” takes on a new dimension. A really bad dimension.

Remember, it’s hard to teach anyone anything when you’re lying on the ground writhing in pain, so wear the proper protective gear. Feel free to over-do it. Duct-taping a catcher’s mask to the front of your pants may seem silly, but it won’t seem silly the moment you hear the loud clunk of a baseball bat striking it at full speed.

Peril is everywhere children are. Play safely! Teach safely!

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More Warning Signs
You’re going to need ‘em.

Instructional Diagrams
You just hit the jackpot.
 

New Hazard Signs for Parents

Posted by Andy on December 6th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Anything in life is dangerous. Parenting is no exception, in fact, it’s more like a lens that magnifies danger by a factor of a bazillion. For those of you not familiar with the numeric value of a “bazillion,” just know that it’s about three quarters of a double infinity.

Don’t worry! We’re not trying to scare you or teach you horrible fake math. We’re here to reassure and prepare you. Because anything is less dangerous when there are lots of warning signs posted… oh… uhhhhh, not very often actually, if we’re being honest. Hey! At least we can kid ourselves! There’s still self delusion left, when Reality strips you naked and kicks you out of the locker room of your dreams into the hallway of life, right?

We need some sleep. How ’bout you?

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More Warning Signs
Safety first.

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Give the Gift of Craphter!
When someone accidentally poops a little from laughing, it’s called craphter.
 

Safety from Children: Baby Carrying Warning

Posted by Andy on September 13th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Attention: Kids need love and protection, that’s a given, but we adults do a better job of delivering these things to kids when we are not, ourselves, in danger or excruciating pain.

There is a massive amount of information out there for keeping babies and children safe, but there is a gaping vacuum of information that adults can use to protect themselves from babies and children.

Peril is everywhere. Protect yourself, so you can better protect them. Choose safety!

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More Warning Signs
Peril is everywhere. Brace for impact!

Instructional Diagrams
If you’re not familiar with these, prepare yourself… For something.
 

Child Safety: Shopping Cart Warning

Posted by Andy on April 1st, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Warning: Peril is everywhere. Safety first. Protect your ability to procreate even if you don't have plans to…

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Instructional Diagrams
You’ll probably be blown away.