How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Poop

28 Baby Photoshoots Gone Horriblariously Wrong (GROSS WARNING)

Posted by on May 10th, 2016, under SNAPSHOTS

Professional photoshoots of newborns or babies can give parents some stellar shots, but predicting the weather is more accurate than predicting the “call of Nature” for babies, even if they just went. So, occasionally, these photo sessions result in some of the highest quality pics of little munchkins spraying their parents like a broken, high-pressure […]

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The Frequency of Saying “Poop” (Graphed)

Posted by on April 26th, 2016, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  We all know what our top words and phrases are, the ones that would make us filthy stinking rich “if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said… ” You’ll find your vacubalury and speech change direction dramatically once you become the proud owner of your very own, brand new little human. After […]

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My Wife Just Texted… #247

Posted by on January 11th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

She was watching Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube one night, and immediately texted me about deforesting my face. I won’t call my wife a germophobe… because she’ll probably read this, so let’s just say she’s… incredibly hygiene-friendly. So, her horrified reaction at seeing something about poop-infused facial hair was no shocker. I promised her I […]

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My Kid Just Drew… #59

Posted by on April 8th, 2015, under "MY KID JUST SAID..."

5yo son: “I drew Mr. Poo and Mr. Fart.” Me: “Haha! Are they friends?” Son: “Of course they are!” [eye roll] —me and my son, Lucas (2015) Some things are so obvious, you’re just begging for an eye roll when you ask, or even dare to raise an inquisitive eyebrow. I guess I really should […]

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Baby Sleep Positions: “The Biohazard”

Posted by on December 3rd, 2014, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  People with a little baby are never “awake” or “asleep” in the black-and-white senses of the words. Parents exist in the gray area between. The varying degrees of “trying to sleep” and “fighting to stay awake.” You’re always on call. Waiting. Ready to respond. It’s very late. You’re asleep, or wrestling the ninja crocodile […]

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The Diaper Changing Warzone

Posted by on November 18th, 2014, under EXTERNAL USE ONLY

That first poop-filled diaper. It’s a doozy. It’s like a poop mitzvah. It separates the pros from the amateurs. I remember mine well. I feel like an aid worker on the beaches of Florida after the BP oil spill if the oil had been shot out of a human butt cannon. Those are magical times. […]

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Parenterms: “Poouquet”

Posted by on October 30th, 2014, under SNAPSHOTS

Like finely crafted wine, you can tell a lot by the fragrances of things, though in this case, a really groady cheese might be a more fitting analogy. Normally a wine’s bouquet refers not just to the first nostril impression of a particular grown-up grape juice, it also refers to the scent (or stank) it […]

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Diaper Change Threat Condition & Awareness Chart

Posted by on January 17th, 2014, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  Some consider that one of the top rules of good parenting is preparedness. But those people are either crazy or selling something, don’t listen to them. You’re going to do a lot better as a parent if you do so from a solid foundation of reality. When it comes to the reality of your […]

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Wiping the Slate Clean

Posted by on December 4th, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

When you become a parent, there are certain things you anticipate and others that even Dr. Seuss couldn’t have even begun to imagine. You look forward to holding your baby and hearing their voice. You wonder about the foods they might prefer or which Star Wars character they’ll identify with most. Fantasize about how they […]

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My Kid Just Said… #32

Posted by on November 7th, 2013, under "MY KID JUST SAID..."

“Hey Dada! You want me to dwaw you a pictuwe of poop??” CUE HIS CRAZY LAUGHTER FOR 15 MINUTES. My son is a Poop Picasso. – Previous My Kid Just Said Kids are smarter than adults. Period. My Kid Just Said Facebook Page This is where YOU can post YOUR kid’s quotes. Go for it! 

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