How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad


The Frequency of Saying “Poop” (Graphed)

Posted by on April 26th, 2016, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  We all know what our top words and phrases are, the ones that would make us filthy stinking rich “if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said… ” You’ll find your vacubalury and speech change direction dramatically once you become the proud owner of your very own, brand new little human. After […]

Comments: 1

Thanksgiving Pie Chart

Posted by on November 27th, 2014, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS, SNAPSHOTS

If Thanksgiving only lasts a day for you, you didn’t make enough food and you are a monster. With refrigeration and proper storage, it really should be Thanksgiving Week. Maybe it’s not pie you go bonkers for, it could just as well be a completely bone-littered turkey platter, or a clean-scraped bowl of marshmallow yams, […]

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Palm Reading Chart for Parents

Posted by on May 27th, 2014, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Since there’s no one-size-fits-all science on raising children, a lot of guesswork gets employed. And if you take anything without definitive and consistent truths and add a crap ton of worry, doubt and failure, you can wind up with a heightened appetite for superstition and mystical wisdom. A person can get so uneasy about their […]

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LOLs: An Illustrated Guide

Posted by on April 15th, 2014, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Some of the poor misguided kids these days use acronyms so much it extends to regular speech. I’ve heard kids say “el oh el” or “lol” in response to a joke rather than laugh. Creepy. Even if that kind of makes your skin crawl, a lot of us use the common laugh acronyms online and […]

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Diaper Change Threat Condition & Awareness Chart

Posted by on January 17th, 2014, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  Some consider that one of the top rules of good parenting is preparedness. But those people are either crazy or selling something, don’t listen to them. You’re going to do a lot better as a parent if you do so from a solid foundation of reality. When it comes to the reality of your […]

Comments: 9

Boob Visibility Comparison Chart (Models vs Mothers)

Posted by on November 6th, 2013, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Mothers. They hide in bathroom stalls, fashion elaborate blankie wigwams or take cover behind mall ferns and alley dumpsters to protect us from the horror of the breastfeeding process. And by “us” I mean the few deranged and perverted assholes whose stomachs and backs have turned on a process that is commonly known as fucking […]

Comments: 97

Baby Size Compared to Junk Food (A More Honest Chart)

Posted by on September 3rd, 2013, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

From the moment the pee on a pregnancy stick says “yes, the gleam in his eye has met the speck in her tummy,” we start the process of wondering how big the little one actually is in there. Through all the weeks, months and trimesters. So, we find fetal size references that make a woman’s […]

Comments: 35

Cooties Epidemic Breaking News

Posted by on August 20th, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

Daybreak, the world sits on the edge of its seat, anxiously chewing its collective hand-sanitized fingernails for news of some breakthrough, some hope, as outbreaks of the cooties virus continue to sweep across the U.S. Yesterday the National Guard finished shutting down all schools, parks, playgrounds and ball pits; a massive effort to slow the […]

Comments: 5

The 3 Ps of Parenting

Posted by on December 4th, 2012, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Nothing can prepare you. Nothing! Just like war, no matter what you read or watch, or how many in-the-trenches stories you hear from gray-faced veteran parents, nothing—NOTHING!!!—can prepare you for the amount of pee, puke and poop that will be unleashed upon you once your baby arrives. The 3 Ps of Parenting. Mothers may even […]

Comments: 46

Guy Sign Language

Posted by on February 22nd, 2012, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Why didn’t I call this one Dad Sign Language? Since it’s so obviously a necessary skill for a man who has sleeping kids in his life: to say things silently. The thing is, I realized that this applies to men long before they procreate. Understanding this specialized communication method* should be useful to women. Trying […]

Comments: 40