How to Be a Dad

Baby Sleep Positions: “The Stalker”

Posted by Andy on January 10th, 2012, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

It can be a little startling… You’re sleeping (at last) and you wake up for some reason. Even if your baby has the most beautiful eyes, when you wake up all groggy and see those eyes, wide open and inches from your face, drilling calmly into your soul? You might not say it, but maybe you think, “AH!!! Heh heh! Hey there, little one! Heh heh. Aren’t you supposed to be asleep? Uhhhh. How long have you been there… uh, staring… at me?”

Some sleeping situations can be scary, like finding that someone is awake when you thought they were asleep. C’mon. How many times has THAT bit been used in horror films? A scene showing a close-up of a sleeping or apparently unconscious face, and then suddenly –POW!!!– eyes pop open with some freakish, loud sound. Scary stuff. I’m not saying that co-sleeping is like a horror film, but I’m sure some parents would.

It’s got its good side though. When parents watch their kids from the door at bedtime, it’s a Hallmark moment. You may even hear the comforted sighs from a crib or giggles from a bedspread. Very sweet. But being watched when you sleep has a line that can be crossed where it gets creepy. If you woke up with someone and they told you that they’d been watching you for hours and hours while you slept? Or all night long? Yeeeeeah, sweetness and romance just left the building. Just sayin’.

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Other Sleep Positions
There are so many ways to not really sleep with your baby in bed.
 

Baby Sleep Positions: “The Neck Scarf”

Posted by Andy on December 13th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

When the cold weather hits us parents—b-r-r-r-r-r!—what better way to stay warm in the chill of night than, uhhhhh… to wrap your head and neck in the warmth and comfort of… your baby? Yeah, no one’s buying it, we know. But, hey, it happens. Whether we want it to or not.

Maybe your sleeping baby wraps you in a boa constrictor of cuddliness like The Neck Scarf, or goes lower when latching onto you, possibly as low as some kind of leg warmer of love. When it happens you tend to wake up and start imagining a referee counting the seconds you’ve been pinned by your little snoozing wrestler.

Sometimes you stay asleep when your baby flops on top of you. In this case, it’s likely you’ll wake up from something like a tiny finger being jammed to the brain up your nostril, a toe finding a home in your belly button or the tickle of sweat dripping off the super-heated part of your body that’s been given a toasty slumber-hug for the past hour or so. Joy.

Stay warm and well rested, folks! If that’s even possible.

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Other Sleep Positions
What a crock. Who sleeps through these?

Breastfeeding… Inception Style
One of the most amazing photos you’ll ever see.
 

Baby Sleep Positions: “H Is for Hell”

Posted by Andy on October 25th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Every parent knows this letter. Fears it! It’s the H. Some may say it stands for “horrible” but don’t listen to them, they’re just whitewashing it. It stands for Hell. And it’s the kind of night you’re both going to have.

This was one of the first “baby in bed” sleep positions we noted down before we even launched HowToBeADad.com. When we were initially spit-balling ideas back and forth for the series, all Charlie had to say was “the H” and I was immediately laughing humorlessly with bitter familiarity. No explanation necessary.

Since then, we’ve had a surprising number of people comment or email in, suggesting Charlie and I do this specific position (that didn’t sound right). Never mind. So! All this firmed it up in our minds, that the H position seems to be ingrained into parents. Into our lower backs and stomachs at least, but maybe even at a cellular level, as deeply and mysteriously as sea turtles that know how to paddle their way back to their birthplace through about a bazillion gallons of saltwater and oil company accidents.

Parents just never forget the H. Maybe it’s because sometimes they’ve had several hours a night to think about it… with their eyes wide open… for a year or more…

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Assume the position!
Check out the rest of the Baby Sleep Positions series.

Finn is learning his ABCs
Learning is funny.
 

Baby Sleep Positions: “Booby Trap”

Posted by Andy on September 28th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

 
I occassionally use the idol swap scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark as a metaphor when talking about needing to cleverly replace or switch something so that no bad effects occur, but I just realized… it didn’t actually work out so well for Indie. Ha ha!

Coming back from the bathroom, you cautiously shuffle through the darkness on autopilot. As you come up to it, you almost just let yourself tip into the bed like a falling tree, but something you see through half-lidded eyes makes you freeze in place. Danger! You can feel the itch of it between your shoulder blades like… an itch between your shoulder blades. But I mean a really bad one. Like the kind you can’t reach. And has you doing a backward hump of a telephone pole or stucco wall to get at it. Anyways, back to what I was saying… Danger!

Maybe you’ll tilt your head to one side to improve your sight of it as you try to make out shadows within darkness. “Whussat?” you may mumble in your sleep-drunk head. You see a darker shape that should not be there…

It’s a booby trap!!! Well, a baby trap at least. Okay it’s just your baby. You’re still screwed. No matter how long you stare at that tiny trespasser, pondering how you can possibly overcome this obstacle, you won’t. Your chances of curing cancer by rubbing twigs together are better than your chances of moving that little one without setting him off. Sleep on the floor or couch, or treat it like a band-aid and just do it fast and be done with the suffering sooner.

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Bedroom Ninja Skills
There is an ancient art required to overcome bedroom booby traps.

Fun with Baby Food!
You will not find this baby food in stores. Thank goodness.