There are certain viral videos that encapsulate aspects of my whole life.

This one symbolizes every attempt I’ve ever made at relationships with the fairer sex… …. …. until my wife.

I think I asked for a girl’s number once in my whole life. I wasn’t the popular guy but I doted on the girls I liked.

So, let’s review the similarities between Toddler Suave and myself:

Full-body hugs? Check.

Breakdancing? Check.

Overbearing sweetness? Check.

Amazing overalls? TRIPLE CHECK.

I could be the misogynist here and make some comments about just how badly the lady little treats this fine, young man, but women are pretty great. Maybe this kid needs to get a job, buy a sweet ride (Power Wheels, perhaps?) and learn some Karate, proving himself a worthy love interest?

It really is a miracle someone agreed to be married to me and have a baby.

Good thing I am versed in the dark arts of hypnotic suggestion… (when I snap my fingers you will be in love with me and read my blog every day… SNAP)

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Instructional Diagrams
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*There are no actual systems. We said that so you would click a link to funny things. Why are you reading the fine print? You never read fine print, especially in contracts with Apple or software.

You’ve tried nearly everything to drop an entire bag of clues on your special someone that you need lovies. NEARLY everything. This is the “Break in Case of Emergency” list of things to try. Few in their right mind would have actually tried the forty previous suggestion, but for those still in their wrong mind who also still have a strong, aching need for some next-level material:

Here are the final and most desperate suggestions!

	#41 Reverse-Kidnapping Send the little ones away. You love ‘em, yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that caring for them is probably the number one reason your Nearest and Dearest isn’t your Sweetest and Sexiest so much right now. So reverse-kidnap them! Pay a ransom to grandparents, a family you’re close with or a summer camp to take them on for an extended period, so you two can get it on, for an extended period. (It doesn’t matter if it’s nowhere near summer, with enough money padding a handshake with the right camp counselor, it’s summer any time of year!)
	#42 Redecorate Some women think it’s sexy when a man gets his interior design on. Send a clear message with the purchase of… a new couch! If this focal point doesn’t get your point across that you’re desperate for intercourse then at least you have the chance to blackmail her with something too heavy for her to move out by herself. Your demands: the couch stays unless it’s replaced by another vagina.
	#43 A Message in the Sky Skywritting. Yes. You can get that desperate. The call or text you make for her to look out the window at the sky will be something you’ll both never forget, no matter what the response is. If it works, it may be the most costly sex you’ve ever had, but it could also be the best. Plus, you’ll have the heroic satisfaction of knowing you may have made several hundred other fast-thinking men steal credit and get lucky with their sweethearts.
	#44 Nothing Says I Want You Like… …Wearing her panties? Okay, maybe this is not for every couple, but make no mistake, she’ll know you’ve got sex on the brain when she sees your “grapes in a sling” rendition of her thong. She just might be a little confused and dismayed about what kind of sex.
	#45 Lewd Call Hold your breath before you call so you’re already breathing heavily when she answers or the voicemail beeps. Start whispering all the nasty, dirty, sexy things you want to do to her. Don’t worry, she’ll know who it is with the caller ID functions of just about every phone these days. And if not, then at least you can swoop in later and comfort her in her distress as she tells you about the freakazoid who assulted her on the phone. And by comfort I mean have sex, of course.
	#46 Sex Marks the Spot A good treasure hunt is exhilarating and romantic. Make a “treasure” map with a dotted line to an X marked in your backyard or, if you don’t have one, a really open-minded friend’s yard. Leave the map where she will find it FOR SURE, but where any kids you may have WILL NOT. Grab a sleeping bag and use that same open-minded friend to bury you naked in the ground with an X marked in flour or talc over the loose soil covering you. (Make sure to use the sleeping bag so you’re not covered in grass, dirt clods and worms. And make sure your head is above ground so the treasure she discovers is still alive when she finds it.)
	#47 Beg Get down on your knees and beg. Pull down frantically at the fabric of her clothing for added effect. Look! It’s really got a bad name, begging does. It’s worked off-and-on for thousands of years! So, give it the old “everything else has failed” shot. You will completely forget losing a little dignity by the time you are melting into your pillow, breathless and totally, blissfully spent. And if it doesn’t work, you’re probably going to be thinking too hard about sex still to fit in much self-loathing or embarrassment.
	#48 BARRY FRIGGIN’ WHITE!!! I’ve said it four times before in all the previous parts of 50 Ways to Nudge your Lover and I’ll say it again! Barry friggin’ White, people!!! But since we’re at Defcon Desperate, try installing a wireless surround sound system throughout your entire home and turning the volume up to 11. Don’t worry if you break off a knob getting there, that means it’s working.
	#49 Tattoo Sexual tattoos are for life, but the chances are you’re probably going to be interested in sex for about that long, sooooooo… I didn’t say these ideas were great or even good! Look in the title! Can you say “HORRIBLY DESPERATE,” boys and girls? Just make sure the tattoo is classy.
	#50 Time Travel You don’t actually have to solve the mystery of time travel. Just buy or rent a Delorean. Now, screech up to the house, rev the engine or crash into some trash cans to get her attention. When she comes out, scramble over and grab her by the arm, explaining as you drag her to the car that you two need to go back to the past, when you two had sex more often. She’ll probably think the performance is so odd and romantic and amazing that she’ll want to see if she can get 1.21 jiggy-watts in the cramped “fluxing capacity” of the stainless steel sports car.

This is it. The end. The last of the 50 Ways. I hope you enjoyed the series, and as odd as this sounds, I hope you get extremely and repeatedly lucky!

-Andy

Andy is wanted in seven states for being dumb and impersonating doctors and medical staff of one form or another, including but not limited to a bed pan sanitation technician. And despite what he may say, or which papers he may produce, there is no such thing as Explosiology.

[ See 1-10 ]
[ See 11-20 ]
[ See 21-30 ]
[ See 31-40 ]
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Facebook
You’re not having sex right now, so why not?

Instructional Diagrams
These are not a valid replacement for a healthy, active sex life. But since you’re not having sex right now…
 

[ click the image to enlarge ]

Maybe the debate scores on this chart will help people to gauge how crazy the conversation at the group picnic is going to get when breastfeeding comes up. Maybe not. Maybe it’ll only be useful to news channels and magazine editors interested in maximizing the number of people who will boost visibility with the light of the torches they carry and the rattle of their pitchforks.

Whichever side of the many breastfeeding fences you’re on, we can all agree that there’s a lot of disagreement in the “discussion” out there. Provocative photos and headlines, cleverly timed right before the Mother holiday, can whip up a little bit of a civil war within the world of parenting. No duh. They were designed to.

It’s so easy to play on the strong opinions and feelings on the topic of breastfeeding and parenting styles. Multiply any of them together and the resulting fireworks display can leave green spots on your vision for weeks.

For a lot of parents, this can all start with the “to boob or not to boob” question and just get more complicated and passionate from there. But whether you didn’t or couldn’t, or you did so for a while or a much longer time, wherever you did it, however frequently, with or without a pump or bottles, or even upside-down, I say simply this to all moms by birthing, adoption, marriage, however…

–Andy

Insert insults and hate mail here.

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Picture Time!
If these are not worth a thousand words, at least they’re good for a few laughs.

Instructional Diagrams
This Instructional Diagram got all “hard-hitting,” but the rest are all plushy dolls.
 

“Say Happy Muhver Day!”
-Lucas (2012, almost 3 years old)
 

Being literal is not the same as being literate, but it’s funny.

Facepalm. He repeated exactly what I just whispered to him. His smile was sooooo big tho! So was hers. Precious.

Even though he chewed it up a bit, I was proud he got out the word “Mother’s” because he calls her Mommy. And his inclusion of my instruction to “Say” was quite simply hilarious and reminded me of all the amazing verbatim FAILs I’ve seen on the interwebs.

Happy day after Mother’s Day, folks!
 

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My Kid Just Said Facebook Page
This is where YOU can post YOUR kid’s quotes.
 

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Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
 

You think you’re doing a good job as a parent, and then you see THIS…

I want to find the person responsible for this architectural masterpiece, stuff his pockets with all of my money and then pray to him every day for making my life better.

It’s not often you can find a house that is:

A. Stylish - These colors are post-modern, shabby chic AWESOME.
B. Nostalgic - Imagine living inside your favorite play activity. And then bounce in it.
C. Sturdy - I dare the elements to try to kick this house in its metaphorical junk.
D. Safe - It’s totally childproofed from top to bottom. Imagine your kid falls down the stairs. They’d probably bounce back up them.

We live in a three story condo. Finn learned to walk about a month after we moved here. So, you can imagine the loss of hair, the color of aforementioned hair and remnant sanity that comes from watching him climb the stairs every day.

I feel like this house is the answer to all of my problems. This house would suit my toddler’s gymnastic, death-defying life choreography. I need to make a pilgrimage.

Have a rambunctious weekend!

Love and Airtime,

Charlie

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Yeah. So that just happened. For almost two years. Teething. The war is over now.

I finally realized it. It just suddenly hit me. And it took a flashback to get me there. My flashback didn’t consist of the sickly sweet smell of napalm or the sound of Jimi Hendrix sawing a guitar in half, but it was a flashback regardless. The teething war is over.

I was looking through our family photo library. Making a mental note that I need to take it easy on the trigger finger when I’m taking pictures, I ran across some photos of Lucas, year one. Can I still say “some” when we’re talking about several hundred? Anyways. In a lot of them the “thousands of words” the pictures told were something like “What is happening inside my mouth!?!” or “Please let the madness end!!!” or “Are you using that shoulder, ’cause if not… um, I could really use a good chew on it, m’kay.”

Maybe it won’t hurt so bad if I jam two hamfs eh ma mouff.
 
Okay! I’m much better now! Yeah. Sorry about all that.
 

All those days and nights came flooding back. A time when it was hard to decide on how to ration my pity. Some for the little one, with really hard, sharp pieces of bone-like thingies plowing cruelly slow through his poor defenseless gums, or my wife bobbing him up and down in dismay and torment after only just having set him down to sleep five minutes earlier, and doing this 24-7-365. I always made sure to give myself the smallest slice of pity. I knew I had it easy. And I had access to something babies and a breastfeeding moms don’t: boat-loads of coffee.

The thing is, he hasn’t been teething for a long while now. So why am I just realizing it’s finally over? Remember, it’s not an over-night affair like some magic bean stalk. You don’t go to bed and wake up to the sound of a BLING! and see your baby-turned-toddler blinking in the morning sunlight with a toothy smile and look of relief and finality on his face. It tapers off, teething. It has aftershocks that remind you not to bother bringing out the party hats and champagne.

But then it’s over. At last. The teething is finally over. So now, like the older boys, Cody and Max, we move on to making sure his teeth aren’t knocked out or rotting out of his head. A new war. A toothpaste-minty cold war.

For those of you who are parent veterans, I sincerely apologize for opening the wound with a rusty butter knife, if I did. And for those of you who are still privates s##tting your pants in the teething trenches, hang in there! It does have an end! And trust me, afterwards, the bad memories will fade away (or be blocked out) and leave whatever you can remember of the good ones. Memories of baby lips wrapped around the arm of a couch in a cute little wriggling gnaw, or adorable smiles with spit-bubbles that turn into magical, glittering waterfalls of drool. (sigh) Good times.

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Baby Dentures?
Why not? You’ve probably lost enough of your mind already for this to make sense.

Instructional Diagrams
If these don’t make you laugh, there may be something very wrong with you.
 

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Previous “My Wife Just Said…”
 

[ click the image to enlarge ]

Co-sleeping with your baby can be one of the greatest joys or torments of parenting. It’s not for everyone, but for those who have…

Which of these have you experienced? If you’ve co-slept with your baby in bed for more than a day, the better question might be: which one haven’t you experienced?

We decided to put these together into a collection for your convenient viewing pleasure. You see, people (especially parents) love things that come in multi-packs. Our eyes go big with possibility when we see one of those really gigantic, over-sized bulk shopping carts. It just makes things easier and it saves on money, shopping trips and burnt out brain cells. In the case of Baby Sleep Position diagrams, it makes them funnier. Like carpet bombing… erm… uhhh, except with laughter instead of explosions, of course.

Have you already enjoyed the multi-pack?

Maybe you’re now interested in seeing the industrial-sized version of your favorite Baby Sleep Position. No prob. Just click here, scroll down and view next page, to see it in its full glory.

Be on the look out. More Baby Sleep Positions to come!

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Calling All Baby Sleep Positions
Click here to see them larger with all of my babble-typing for each one.

More Funny Diagrams?
Yes. All kinds. LOTS. Enjoy.

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