How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

Teddy Bear Surgery

Posted by on August 30th, 2013, under EXTERNAL USE ONLY

So little is presently understood about the anatomy and physiology of stuffed animals. Advances in the subject have for a very long time been stifled by the social sigma placed on anyone who dissects toys or stuffed animals; branding them as “emotionally unstable” or “weird.” Thankfully, progress is now being made. Let’s have an amazing […]

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The Trouble With Twerkers: An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Posted by on August 29th, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

Ms. Cyrus, You don’t know us. We are dads over the age of seventeen, and as such we do not represent your target demographic although we are in the midst of raising some of your constituents. We (still here), unfortunately, are more or less invisible. That is on society, not you. However, our children, assuming […]

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A Love Letter to the Outsider

Posted by on August 28th, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

Loud and mercurial, my son is a blurry shade of all-over-the-damn-place on the plastic play structure of a park we’ve never visited before. He stomps and cheers, climbs and slides. He is my One Man Army. And I am not embarrassed for him. It’s part of what makes him so great. But children can be […]

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My Wife Just Texted… #123

Posted by on August 27th, 2013, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Sometimes my wife makes me feel like the prettiest lil’ husband. I oughta put on something special for her tonight. Gender roles can be as fun as panties can be comfy. – Previous “My Wife Just Said…” Toddlers are a little nutty about eating. Sometimes bribing is necessary. Follow us on Facebook. It’s the best […]

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My Kid Just Said… #28

Posted by on August 27th, 2013, under "MY KID JUST SAID..."

“My bwood is still awake.” -Lucas (4 years old)   Uhhhhhhh… Your what? Your BLOOD? It’s still awake? Oh… … … good?* * I can’t bring myself to tell him the it’s bedtime for his blood. Way too creepy.   Shhhhhh… don’t wake his blood. They’ll say anything to get out of going to bed, […]

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Sometimes Pooh Happens!

Posted by on August 26th, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

Tomorrow, we’re celebrating Winnie the Pooh and his adventures. We got to meet the bloke at Disney World this year, so Finn and I are kind of obsessed with him. Winnie is the Pooh, man. We are teaming up with Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment, Mr. The Pooh, and Twitter Party Hostess with the mostest, […]

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I Met a Father Named Kanye West

Posted by on August 23rd, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

Let me be honest at the beginning here and disclose two important things before you read on. Besides the fact that I am morphing into Andy Herald… First, I have been working for 20th Television (Fox) for the past few months doing online strategy at the Kris Jenner Show, among others. These comments do not […]

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Embrace Up

Posted by on August 22nd, 2013, under EXTERNAL USE ONLY

I debated with myself about sharing this since its been around for so long and been seen by so many people. The fact that it’s sooooooo brilliant and that I lose my sh*t every time I see it changed my mind. It belongs here. Also, recently a friend showed me a scar. It wasn’t on […]

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Parenterms: “Douchebaguette”

Posted by on August 21st, 2013, under SNAPSHOTS

They exist. Douchebaguettes. The B word is rough, though. And the C word is just wall-to-wall taboo unless you’re Irish and referring to another man, in which case it can count as breathing with sound. When you have kids, there’s a mental censor that tends to go into play, even if you’re a d*mned total […]

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Cooties Epidemic Breaking News

Posted by on August 20th, 2013, under NOTEBOOK

Daybreak, the world sits on the edge of its seat, anxiously chewing its collective hand-sanitized fingernails for news of some breakthrough, some hope, as outbreaks of the cooties virus continue to sweep across the U.S. Yesterday the National Guard finished shutting down all schools, parks, playgrounds and ball pits; a massive effort to slow the […]

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