How to Be a Dad

Toys Make You a Singing Psycho

Posted by Andy on May 3rd, 2012, under NOTEBOOK

I think this is the song my wife will be muttering quietly, over and over to herself when they discover her, smoking gun in hand, rocking back and forth near my body. In other words, she can’t stand it when I sing it to the little one anymore. I can’t fault her. I’ll totally understand when she finally snaps.

I blame it all on musical toys, of course.

You see, I have two bad habits that gang up on my wife and kids. Spontaneous interruptive singing and Song-Stuck-in-My-Head syndrome. These curses, mixed with musical children’s toys, make for a lethal cocktail for anyone’s sanity. I’ll explain.

Spontaneous Interruptive Singing

I’m just a puppet. I can’t control it. No matter how much a werewolf hates and swears at the moon he’s just going to get damned hairy when it’s full. Likewise, when someone utters some words that are part of some lyrics, it sets me off singing. I cannot hear someone say “…I think to myself…” without the powerful urge to break into the worst Louis Armstrong impression of What A Wonderful World. Here are some real-life examples with the family:

We’re installing curtains and Lizzie says, “Can you raise—” and I cut in with, “♫ YOU RAISE ME UUUUP, SO I CAN STAND ON MOUNTAINS! ♫” (For some reason I always sing this one in a “Kermit goes rock-opera” voice)

Or, I tell Cody that we can’t see a movie at midnight on opening night and he says, “Awww—” and I immediate break in with, “♫ AWWWWWW FREAK OUT! ♫” (And follow with a vocalized disco guitar)

They all love it. … Really? I got away with that? Wow. I can’t believe my computer didn’t explode from sarcasm overload. Anyways. The songs I erupt with aren’t even necessarily songs that I love. They’re the most uncontrollable when I DON’T like them!

Song-Stuck-in-My-Head Syndrome

Again. The songs I DO NOT like are the ones most likely to set themselves on loop in my head and then smash the controls. The worst thing is, since I don’t like them I’m not really familiar, so it’ll just be one or two lyrics repeating over and over and over and, you get the idea. Don’t look at me like that! I know I’m not the only one. Remember that time you heard some terrible song somewhere and then, as you unlocked your car, for a split-second you asked yourself absentmindedly, “Why can I still hear that crappy song?” BECAUSE YOU WERE JUST SINGING, HUMMING OR WHISTLING IT TO YOURSELF!

The True Villain: Children’s Toys

I love kids and I love music. But some how the two don’t add up to love when the button is pressed on any brightly-colored piece of plastic we just bought for our children. Ugh! Awful. Push-button awfulness. Given to a child who likes to push buttons as much as the heart likes to pump blood. Yay.

One day my two curses kicked in and I was singing The Wheels on the Bus. Lucas absolutely LOVED it. He kept shouting “Again! Again!” Lizzie, who’d heard his toys sing it a bazillion times already, did not love it and resisted shouting what she wanted to. Cody and Max were “plugged” in, and so were immune to my musical stylings.

This continued for a month or two. I even kept if fresh for the lad by inventing new lyrics of things on the bus. A little beat boxing, too. But as you can see in the picture of him covering his ears at the beginning of this post, even the little one has his limits.

The End Is Near

Recently, I’m seeing signs that the end might be near, for my wife’s sanity and for my life. We were driving and Lizzie mentioned, “Does the car seem to drive funny? Maybe the wheels…” She must have heard my deep intake of breath, as I filled my lungs with song, because her pointer finger was instantly poised like a dagger right below my right nostril as she hissed, “DON’T.”

The wheels on the bus no longer go round and round unless she’s is in another part of town.

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Instructional Diagrams
I can’t think of a way to work “Instructional Diagrams” into a song. But you’ll love ‘em.
 

The Avengers – A Non-Review Review

Posted by charlie on May 1st, 2012, under NOTEBOOK

Chances are, if you enjoy movies or comics or anything at all, you’re going to see The Avengers this weekend or sooner.

Studios always love to debut their flicks around my birthday week. Gladiator. Iron Man 2. Lizzie McGuire. Well, fear not. I was lucky enough to see this new blockbuster film and have a few things to tell you about it. No spoilers. Promise.

I walked the off-off-off-red carpet (it was perhaps maybe a salmon color?) of the worldwide premiere a weeknight almost three weeks ago. I gawked at movie stars and the masses waving hands and cameras. They gave me a pair of tricked-out Avengers 3D glasses and then I sat down.

As I watched the movie, something occurred to me: I was looking through the lens of these superheroes as would-be DADS.

Becoming a dad has made me more courageous and more inhibited, fearing that I might make a dumb decision, and leave my family to pick up the pieces. I looked at these spectacular characters and wondered what they would be like as dads, and I saw parts of myself.

Ironman: Tony Stark

I’ve always considered myself very similar to this billionaire, jet-setting, witty, cavalier playboy with too high an IQ, too many toys and not enough worthy opponents. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right.

But I admire his game-playing. If I only I could be as much of a braggart and get away with it. I would play that game for five seconds before my wife would wipe that smirk off my face with a dirty diaper.

Bottom Line: He’s that parent at the mall that jedi-mind-tricks his kids into doing whatever he says.

Thor: Thorton F*cking Thorston III

As much of a delinquent as I imagine myself to be, I have this strange formal sense about things. It’s a mix of lordliness and traditionalism that makes my head spin when I decide to say potty words and do inane things to get attention.

There’s royalty in his godliness and if he has a flaw, it derives from his total certainty about himself. Thor lets himself be tricked through his own arrogance. I would love to have a little bit more of that self-assurance. With or without a big hammer.

Bottom Line: He’s the kingly father I wished I could be…

Captain America: Steve Rogers

I’m honorable, straight-laced Charlie who does the right thing. It’s something I have wrestled with in my training as an actor. I had be okay with being not okay. It was a very strange feeling.

Captain Whiteboy and I have more in common than I care to admit but I appreciate his unwavering sense of right and wrong. The time period he came from just had a stronger backbone. Now, I can barely say what I mean. “I’m sorry, but I feel you might’ve backed over my foot with or nearabouts your car. Sir?”

Bottom Line: The guy reeks of morality and ethical judgment. Might be good for a dad, yeah?

The Hulk – Bruce Banner

This guy is obviously just a new parent, right?

Right?

AMIRITE?

ISAIDAMIRITE???#@% *(UGGGRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHDSHFUYYYUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHH.

Bottom Line: Hulk SMASH ALL YOUR TOYS IF THEY NO SHUT UP.

Hawkeye – Clinton Francis Bacon

Hawkeye has a civilian name that I would never mess with. Part of his name is one of the most famous scientists in history, the other part is either a funk singer or a president. Either way, you know he got messed with in school. I’m an archery fan and although his form wasn’t perfect, Jeremy Renner rocked this character out. That hollow-eyed assassin-turned-antihero works well on him.

The guy is cold and calculated but not afraid to mess things up. Like me. There I go again…

Bottom Line: I see him saying to his kids stuff like, “Let me tell you how it really is, kids.”

Nick Fury – DAMN RIGHT!

An orchestrator, a manipulator, a leader and a teacher. He’s basically a father.

He’s willing to go the extra mile to see to it his group makes things happen. He does not accept “no.” He is the guy who gets his kids into the best preschool because he has incriminating photos of the school headmaster. That’s just how he rolls. Making it happen.

I am fast becoming this man. I take no prisoners.

Bottom Line: It’s takes a lot of cunning skill to be a DAD, and he’s got it. Lots of guns don’t hurt either.

Black Widow – Natasha Romanoff

Uhhhhh, there is no metaphor here.

She’s obviously in the movie for a reason. She’s a spider. Who kills things. And has a past.

We’ll leave that where God flung it.

If I were her I might sit at home all day.

Bottom Line: She’s really deadly. Um. Yeah.

Let me just say that Joss Whedon, of Firefly and Buffy fame, was the perfect choice to direct this film. With so many characters and story elements, you needed him. I worried that the number of heroes and villains present wouldn’t allow enough time to develop plot/character and you’d be fighting off the distraction of stars one-upping each other. The fact is each could or does have their own movie franchise.

But not so. Like he’s said of Firefly, all the characters in the story shouldn’t be on screen together, but they are. They’re forced to coexist. The coexistence of these heroes is meant to benefit mankind or at least the lessen the destruction of it (of which there is much awesome and glorious destruction).

Side Note: Wait until after the credits.

I realized I LOVE these movies, these heroic stories because our resolve isn’t tested to this level on a daily basis. Most of you reading this aren’t in routine mortal danger (and those who are, you get free ice cream forever). I haven’t been in a fight in a long while (ending a streak I carried for a bit there) and I wonder if I were, how cowardly I would be now.

I guess these movies, in the end, just remind me that there’s a remote possibility that I am not a coward after all. I see myself in comic book heroes. That I could be great in my own special way. As a Dad. Wiping snot with my bare hands.

Is that a super power? Sheesh.

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Which Avenger do you take after most?

Superhero Diaper Pails
Can you guess whose poop goes in each diaper pail?

Facebooking
Where everyone pretends to be a hero in their photos.
 

50 Ways to Nudge Your Lover (Part 4 of 5)

Posted by Andy on April 26th, 2012, under NOTEBOOK

I will continue writing these tips so long as people are still interested in getting sex going! Or until I hit 50 tips. Whichever comes first. The last set of ten tips was directed at women trying to light a fire under their man’s pants, or inside it at least, to get back some of that lovin’ feeling. But we’re back to men now. Soooo…

Here goes the next installment!

Photo and costume design by the rockstar known as Sewing Cafe	#31 A New Outfit When she unwraps the tissue paper, stand back. Results may vary. You’ve bought her a costume! Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, dirty Pocahontas, a slutty meter maid, whatever the costume store has for women, they’re pretty much all slutty. She might not wear it, but she will certainly understand that Tarzan wants to swing in Jane’s jungle.
	#32 Sexual Healing A little while after complaining of a twitch in your muscles, tell her that it just reminded you of an article you read that said backed-up semen can cause muscle twitches and ultimately lead to cancer. Don’t worry. If she goes on the Internet to verify this, she will find it. The Internet now has every kind of bullsh*t that can be conceived.
	#33 Movie Moments The power of film is undeniable. You can unleash that power by recreating it. Beware though, it is awesome, skin may be clawed with passion. If your girl is sweet on films like Sixteen Candles, after the little one has finally passed out, put on the song If You Were Here and just sit on your dining room table with a burning cake between your legs. Or if your girl is more into a film like Ghost, put on Unchained Melody from the Righteous Bros., glue a penny to your finger and walk towards her slowly and purposefully. You will not believe the reaction.
	#34 Standup Comedy Sometimes the best prelude to foreplay (fore-foreplay?) is laughter. Most one-liners will sound like cheesy pick-up lines that would make most women itch to face-punch someone, but when you’re well passed the point of pick-up lines and dating, it’s comedy. “I DON’T have a pistol in my pocket, I am just happy to see you.” Taking off your clothes, you say, “Wow! Is it hot in here!?! Or is it just you?” If you don’t get any laughs, or worse, get the I-am-not-amused stare, tap your crotch and say “(Thump thump thump) Is this thing on?”
	#35 Cootie Catcher Remember? This is a game kids create out of folded paper that tells your fortune. One player asks a question, and the other finds the answer by manipulating the cootie catcher’s shape. But when you create the cootie catcher, write “You will have sex tonight” as every option, for every question. She’ll know you’ve got a bad case of cooties that you’re dying to share with her.
	#36 Fortune Cookies Speaking of fortune telling! Get a little arts-and-craftsie here. Order Chinese, but set it up by putting a set of tweezers to good use and replace the fortune with a custom message. “Tonight you will have wild sex.” Someone might just get Mu Shu Porked tonight. In bed.
	#37 The International Language of Barry White Il n’a pas d’importance quelle langue vous parlez. Non importa che lingua parlano entrambi. Es spielt keine Rolle, welche Sprache Sie beide sprechen. No importa qué idioma hable tanto. It doesn’t matter what language you both speak. BARRY WHITE!
	#38 Actual Dirty Dancing Sign up for dance lessons. Trust! There are so many provocative styles out there to choose from, traditional styles of sensuality in motion. BUT! There’s also Dirty Dancing, the Lamabada and other naughty dance maneuvers you gan get your groove into. When you’re practicing, just look in a mirror and tilt your head to the side, if it looks like you’re making stylish love, then you’re on the right track. You’ll probably wind up dancing the horizontal mambo, or if you’re into it, the conga line for two.
	#39 Choreplay Reasearch has shown that some moms that want to jump off a bridge because of all the work and mothering they have to do experience an upsurge in sexual… willingness, when they get help from their man. Dishes, trash, cleaning, diaper changes, anything! They want a break from the wanting-to-jump-off-a-bridge-ness of it all. Give it to them! Have a look at the last segment in a Spicemance video we created that gives a pointer to men. Who want sex.
	#40 Puppet Show? Yes. Everyone loves a puppet show, right? Grab a cardboard box and three socks. Cut out a hole in both sides and the bottom of a box that will easily fit on your lap. Use a magic marker to put eyes on the actors of the play, dress them up as you see fit. Even if it doesn’t result in sex, as long as your star performer can stand up on stage, you’ll have a life memory between the two of you.

Aaaaaaaaand I’m done. For now. Sorry about that. Until the next time, of course. Please post your hate mail in the comments below.

-Andy

Andy is dumb. Don’t listen to him if you want to maintain your relationship or want to ever have sex again.

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Product Plight

Posted by charlie on April 24th, 2012, under NOTEBOOK

Crap. Stuff. Things… Product.

My boy Finn, a year ago during his pleasingly plump phase.

We digest tons of marketing and advertising whole, like hankering hot dog eating contestants. Brands sell it all: how scary babies are to handle, how deadly life can be trekking outside with your kids and how VITAL they are to our survival, day-to-day. They become the solutions to our problems, even problems we never knew we had.

I was listening to the news the other day (which sucks by the way, I don’t recommend it as a parent), and they spoke of a new fad in product packaging: The Edible Container. The basic idea is, let’s say, you buy an ice cream. The ice cream is housed in a chocolate shell that you can eat. No plastic wrapper. You inhale the ice cream, wash off the choco-cup and then eat that too. It saves the planet and you get fatter. Win/win.

You don’t realize how addicted you are to commercial hypnotism until you become a breeder. Everything has to be the best, the fastest, the safest. And you need it. Now.

All that came crashing down the other day when Finn wouldn’t eat a pouch of pureed organic vegetables by Plum Organics. He’d been eating them FOREVER but something had changed.

Same brand. Same flavor. One key difference.

[ The new product is on the left, and the old, on the right. ]

They just changed the packaging. That was all it took and as far as eating goes, no dice. Of any kind. I found his refusal so annoying and ridiculous that I was on the edge of losing my cool. We were out and about at the time. I needed him to chow down on some veggies, lest he start turning into a human meatsicle.

But then I started thinking, ‘What if I’m being tricked in the same way? What if I do the same thing he’s doing, only justifiably since I’m an adult?’ Kids are funny that way. They teach you things by being smaller representations of yourself.

So, I thought about it, and remembered back to when I NEEDED things and HATED things. I needed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Cereal (and wasn’t ever allowed it). I hated everything that came from Real Foods (a Whole Foods precursor back in the 1980′s) in San Francisco. Marketers had me wrapped around their finger on packaging and commercials alone. I threw tantrums to get what I wanted because they had hypnotized me. I became their top salesperson.

So, now we’re all adults and pretending we’re smarter than that. Meanwhile, I’m trying to feed my kid some vegetable puree and he simply won’t eat it because the plastic is colored differently, albeit more artistically. I try to get him to just taste it, proving that his prejudice is false. He won’t do it. I try to switch the pouches behind my back, because he obviously wants to eat it, and won’t be fooled. I try all the ‘I’m a parent and know better than you’ tricks. He just sits there like a magician watching someone do card tricks. “That’s all you got?”

I’m not sure brands understand that we need stability more than innovation in most cases. I’d rather have something that works than something that looks like it came from The Fifth Element.

Does anyone else have this packaging problem? How many products do we buy based on the labels or packaging?

Take this one for example that Andy found. I know for a fact that lots of people are drinking this one.

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Instructional Diagrams
We haz them and the word “instructional” has a very wide definition.

The HowToBeADad Pinterest page
Strong enough for a man, but Ryan-Gosling-balanced for women.