How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

“MY WIFE JUST SAID…”

You just can’t invent the stuff that comes out of a woman’s mouth once she’s “passed a watermelon through the pinhole,” ceased sleeping and is married to you. Or one of us.

My Wife Just Said… #274

Posted by on July 18th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

I don’t know what to do. Ground him? Staple his pant legs to a chair? Stop time? How do we prevent our children from growing up too fast without stunting everything that makes them fun to watch grow up? I guess we can’t have it both ways, so we just get to cling to the […]

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My Wife Just Aged… #273

Posted by on July 11th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

She didn’t want a big deal made about her birthday, she’s not a huge fan of adding years onto her age. Recently a waitress asked our son how old he was and, with the clueless honesty of extreme youth, he told her that he was almost seven, and that he keeps getting older but his […]

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My Wife Just Said… #272

Posted by on July 4th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

On Independence Day, of all days, we declare our dependence on things like scales and Apple watches and Fitbits to help keep us in check. I know weighing yourself isn’t the end-all of health, but we’ve hit a new low (or high) of health unconsciousness. So to celebrate, we’re eating barbecue and chips! – More […]

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My Wife Just Said… #271

Posted by on June 27th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

I can’t really contradict her. Not when I have days where my zipper was down more than it was up. And, it’s true, there’s also my lovely fart-singing voice. We live in a world where adulthood isn’t the pressed slacks and wingtip shoes it used to be. For a lot of us, now it’s a […]

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My Wife Just Said… #270

Posted by on June 20th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

My wife is an evil genius. She thinks of things before anyone else and catches tiny inconsistencies immediately. So, of course, she would say something like this. I mean, she’s asking for a friend, obviously, but I just love the way her mind works. And if I’m found at the scene of a crime, I […]

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My Wife Just Yawned… #269

Posted by on June 15th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

I guess I should be glad that she’s still willing to push through the exhaustion and power-lift her lead-heavy, kryptonite eyelids to stay up with me. Though, honestly, the number of shows episodes and ends of movies we’ve had to rematch because of this has to be in the triple digits now. She doesn’t snore, […]

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My Wife Just Said… #268

Posted by on June 6th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

My wife is MacGyver reincarnated with boobs and a better facility for using words to resolve conflicts. We’ve been in dire parenting situations, many times, and she’s always proved seriously resourceful. If you look at our diaper bag, for example, you’ll see enough equipment to keep a child clean, fed and happy for at least […]

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My Wife (?) Just Texted… #267

Posted by on May 30th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Okay. So, my wife gives our six-year-old son her phone every once in a while to watch cartoons or play games on. This fact obviously escaped my thinking when I sent that naughty little pornmoji man. Ehem! Even if he had been the one on his mom’s phone, while I know he wouldn’t have fully […]

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My Wife Just Said… #266

Posted by on May 23rd, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

If I were a man who cared more about scores and numbers, this would make me crazy. It’s not that Avara’s doing to get revenge (well, maybe just a little bit), but it’s because this is an activity we enjoy doing together. Sometimes, Finn and I play video games together. He tanks my percentages, my […]

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My Wife Just Said… #265

Posted by on May 16th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

He’s always wanted to do things all by himself. At least for the first few times, until they became things that caused paralyzing boredom like cleaning up after himself or tying his own shoes or opening restaurant crayons. He’s never loved us chirping instructions or reminders at him. Who does really? And, it’s 100% useless […]

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