How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

“MY WIFE JUST SAID…”

You just can’t invent the stuff that comes out of a woman’s mouth once she’s “passed a watermelon through the pinhole,” ceased sleeping and is married to you. Or one of us.

My Wife Just Said… #256

Posted by on March 14th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“Not really sure which is harder, giving birth or growing out a bad haircut.” –Avara   Discomfort seems to be part of parenting. It’s not necessarily an everyday occurrence, but it recurs over and over. Like static on a television, the signal goes in and out and we endure the noise over the picture. To top […]

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My Wife Just Said… #255

Posted by on March 7th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“You know the expression about ‘the two certainties in life: death and taxes’? When you have a kid, there are two more: dishes and laundry. Hmmmm… This could be a really long list.”   –Elizabeth   That list could get soooooooo long. The internet has a bunch of jokes about the failed promise of hoverboards […]

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My Wife Just Said… #254

Posted by on February 29th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“I’m so out of shape, I’m pretty sure the strongest muscles in my body are my kegels.” –Avara   My wife is a very strong person. She is stronger, in moments, than I am. She doesn’t stop. It takes a lot to piss her off and sometimes that strength clouds her ability to take compliments from […]

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My Wife Just Said… #253

Posted by on February 22nd, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“Why’re you sticking!!!”   Son: “What???”   “I was talking to the pan.”   Son: “But… but the pan is not alive.”   –Elizabeth & Our 6yo   It’s funny that he was calling her out for talking to her cooking equipment, because an hour earlier was having an energetic discussion with a stick. They […]

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My Wife Just Said… #252

Posted by on February 15th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” –Avara   Hey! Happy post-Valentine’s-Day to all the lovers out there! We’ve been doing the 103-degree fevers and snot everywhere, like the world’s worst ping pong match with bacteria. Romance is in the air. And by romance I mean immortal genes bent on ruining commercial holidays meant for love. How did you spend […]

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My Wife Just Complained… #251

Posted by on February 8th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“I have a high tolerance for pain, but a very low tolerance for discomfort.” –Elizabeth   Hang on. What? Not sure how her statement makes perfect sense to me, but it kinda does. Science, and people who push large melon-sized things out of their bodies, have long claimed that women tend to have a higher […]

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My Wife Just Said… #250

Posted by on February 1st, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“Recorded my husband snoring last night. Plan to use it to wake him up. This is how you can tell we’ve been together 16 years.” –Avara   My wife and I have been together for a long time. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a game still afoot. We still make fun of each other. And […]

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My Wife Just Swore… #249

Posted by on January 25th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“I never swear. Well… rarely. When I do, I usually say ‘motherf**king c**ksucker’.” –Elizabeth   One could easily describe my own speech as “colorful.” I like to think of statements as recipes, and swear words are some of the zestiest ingredients. My wife’s speech tends to be pretty bland as far as cursing is concerned, […]

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My Wife Just Said… #248

Posted by on January 22nd, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

“My guys are home!❤ P.S. I’m totally smiling under that mask.” –Avara   Chewie, we came back home. We were only gone for 8 days but it felt like a lifetime away from home. It was an incredible adventure that I will be writing about shortly, but coming home, the epilogue to the grander story, has […]

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My Wife Just Texted… #247

Posted by on January 11th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

She was watching Jimmy Fallon clips on YouTube one night, and immediately texted me about deforesting my face. I won’t call my wife a germophobe… because she’ll probably read this, so let’s just say she’s… incredibly hygiene-friendly. So, her horrified reaction at seeing something about poop-infused facial hair was no shocker. I promised her I […]

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