How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

“MY WIFE JUST SAID…”

You just can’t invent the stuff that comes out of a woman’s mouth once she’s “passed a watermelon through the pinhole,” ceased sleeping and is married to you. Or one of us.

My Wife Just Realized… #295

Posted by on December 12th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

She went on to say that she thought the world would be a better place if people just wore pajamas all the time. I’m not sure if I agree that’d make a huge difference to the issues humanity faces, but by golly, it seems like it’d be worth a shot. It doesn’t seem like it […]

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My Wife Just Said… #294

Posted by on December 5th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Kids make sleep an endangered species. My kids are particularly antipathetic toward my sleep schedule because no matter how late they go to bed, they wake up at the same hour. WHAT THE HELL. THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS, KIDS. But you’d never expect the fallout of having children to include everything they own ALSO […]

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My Wife Just Said… #293

Posted by on November 28th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Nature is great. It’s wonderful. Beautiful. Majestic. But so is sleep. And when Jiminy Cricket crashes your bedroom like a drunken friend stumbling out of an unfortunately instructed Uber ride, fully ready to serenade you with insect dubstep for rest of the night, nature can seem like the worst thing ever. Anyone would rather discover […]

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My Wife Just Said… #292

Posted by on November 21st, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

The extremes of parenting vary wildly. Some days you are so tired you can’t open your eyes, a bottle, a jar or DVD boxset of Star Wars so you can just get a minute in peace on the couch. Others, you’re hyper-aware. Your finely tuned parent senses are on overdrive and set to 11. Every […]

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My Wife Just Said… #291

Posted by on November 14th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

It always happens to her. At some point, she’ll finally get some new bras and underpants where she falls in love with a specific few. Then the brand seems to decide to drop them later and replace them with something that turns out to be scratchy, too stretchy, designed for potatoes or just vaguely lamer […]

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My Wife Just Said… #290

Posted by on November 7th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

My Wife: Charlie, I still have a headache. Can you please rub my shoulders a little bit? Me: Sure, just let me put my Apple Watch back on to track the calories I’ll burn. My Wife: … 😑 So, we went on a crazy death march this weekend. You could call it a hike. I […]

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My Wife Just Said to Herself… #289

Posted by on October 31st, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

When your wife says something that makes little to negative-eleven sense, a husband would probably do well to simple nod and say, “Ah.” I however made the mistake chose to join in the conversation. She’d said something random about an Amazon order, I think. My bad for thinking she was talking to me, whatever was […]

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My Wife Just Said… #288

Posted by on October 24th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

My older son Finn was sitting in the backseat with his mama while his brother Arden sandwiched her on the other side. If you’ve ever had two carseats on opposite sites, you know that riding in the middle is one of Dante’s levels of hell. Finn’s godmother was sitting in the front passenger seat while […]

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My Wife Just Said… #287

Posted by on October 19th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

It really doesn’t seem to make too much sense when you get to Saturday afternoon and you feel like screaming, “Have fun dammit!” Especially if you’re saying it to yourself. Whipping yourself up into a psychotic froth in order to do fun or relaxing things is maybe just an eensy weeny bit counterintuitive, no? A […]

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My Wife Just Said… #286

Posted by on October 10th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

As soon as she left, I regretted it. Ha! “Come back,” I wrote her. I’d changed my mind. As soon as the boys fought over the cap to a shampoo bottle in the tub, I wanted to be whisked away to the cold foods section. I wanted to feel the cold breeze of the freezer […]

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