How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

“MY WIFE JUST SAID…”

You just can’t invent the stuff that comes out of a woman’s mouth once she’s “passed a watermelon through the pinhole,” ceased sleeping and is married to you. Or one of us.

My Wife Just Sniffed… #279

Posted by on August 22nd, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

I’m not sure if all the organic food my family buys seems to go bad faster than non-organic because it actually does or because of the demonic laughter I can hear taunting me from the empty void in my bank account. Whatever the case may be, my wife is a little bit very extremely cautious […]

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My Wife Just Said… #278

Posted by on August 15th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Summer vacation has wrapped up for most of us, or it’s probably on its way out. We tried to plan a couple of summer experiences, getting away from our home, and this feeling was never more obvious than in the first few days of traveling. To her credit, my wife is a great planner and […]

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My Wife Just Wished… #277

Posted by on August 8th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Once they have kids, most kid-bearers are acquainted with the resultant hair thinning and slower growth, whether it’s from hormone changes for the mom, male pattern thinning for dad, or frustratedly pulling it out in clumps for both. Men may generally experience more hairlessness than women, but there’s a cruel sort of fake-out double-cross that […]

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My Wife Just Said… #276

Posted by on August 1st, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Sometimes my Irish heritage makes me a perfect target for teasing. For example, if I were to wear all white out to public places, there’s a very good chance people would arrest me for public nudity. When I got out in the sun, people ask if I’m a vampire with chicken pox. We went to […]

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My Wife Just Used The Mommy Voice… #275

Posted by on July 25th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

He’d been repeatedly yanking the dog’s tail when they were playing and that can go wrong fast, in a few ways, so we were getting a little fed up with him doing it. She definitely used her “Mommy Voice” on him and he cried mostly out of guilt that he’d done it again and because… […]

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My Wife Just Said… #274

Posted by on July 18th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

I don’t know what to do. Ground him? Staple his pant legs to a chair? Stop time? How do we prevent our children from growing up too fast without stunting everything that makes them fun to watch grow up? I guess we can’t have it both ways, so we just get to cling to the […]

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My Wife Just Aged… #273

Posted by on July 11th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

She didn’t want a big deal made about her birthday, she’s not a huge fan of adding years onto her age. Recently a waitress asked our son how old he was and, with the clueless honesty of extreme youth, he told her that he was almost seven, and that he keeps getting older but his […]

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My Wife Just Said… #272

Posted by on July 4th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

On Independence Day, of all days, we declare our dependence on things like scales and Apple watches and Fitbits to help keep us in check. I know weighing yourself isn’t the end-all of health, but we’ve hit a new low (or high) of health unconsciousness. So to celebrate, we’re eating barbecue and chips! – More […]

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My Wife Just Said… #271

Posted by on June 27th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

I can’t really contradict her. Not when I have days where my zipper was down more than it was up. And, it’s true, there’s also my lovely fart-singing voice. We live in a world where adulthood isn’t the pressed slacks and wingtip shoes it used to be. For a lot of us, now it’s a […]

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My Wife Just Said… #270

Posted by on June 20th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

My wife is an evil genius. She thinks of things before anyone else and catches tiny inconsistencies immediately. So, of course, she would say something like this. I mean, she’s asking for a friend, obviously, but I just love the way her mind works. And if I’m found at the scene of a crime, I […]

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