How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

“MY WIFE JUST SAID…”

You just can’t invent the stuff that comes out of a woman’s mouth once she’s “passed a watermelon through the pinhole,” ceased sleeping and is married to you. Or one of us.

My Wife Just Said… #301

Posted by on January 23rd, 2017, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Those words, uttered by any human being, male or female, are the clearest indication you’re about to hear something that is not at all funny. And, true to form, it wasn’t. My wife continued on to unload some serious distaste for something that was pretty awful. Once someone says “you know what’s so funny,” you […]

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My Wife Just Said… #300

Posted by on January 16th, 2017, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

We have some weird traditions in our household. We hug a lot. We cry together. We talk a lot. We’ve been talking more openly and specifically about equality. In a few days, my wife and son are going to New York. It will be my son’s first time. While I will be here with my […]

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My Wife Just Scolded… #299

Posted by on January 9th, 2017, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

She’s absolutely right. And I’m absolutely incapable of stopping, apparently. When our 7-year-old makes fart noises, my laughter is pretty much a completely irresistible stimulus response. In my defense, he is exceptional at it. Like a Mozart of fart noises. It almost defies belief that he can even make such sounds. You see, I’m not […]

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My Wife Just Said… #298

Posted by on January 2nd, 2017, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Both of our kids have had hair that made Tarzan looks like a corporate officer. For some reason, my wife just hated cutting their hair. I can’t blame her because she made two cute, little hippies but there was a varying amount of confusion about them because of their hair. Sure, we joke about man […]

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My Wife Just Said… #297

Posted by on December 26th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Our 7-year-old son has been hopped up on the holiday spirit for weeks now. Being at home, off schedule with family visiting and generally consuming above normal levels sugared goods have all certainly contributed to his state of heightened festivity. Playing, even by himself, somehow turns into a full-contact sport and can sound like a […]

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My Wife Just Said… #296

Posted by on December 19th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Second children are so fascinating. Things you thought were easy, are hard. Things you thought you knew aren’t the case. And things you thought would be hard, end up being the easiest aspects of parenting them. My youngest is the polar opposite of my older son. They require such different parenting styles that I feel […]

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My Wife Just Realized… #295

Posted by on December 12th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

She went on to say that she thought the world would be a better place if people just wore pajamas all the time. I’m not sure if I agree that’d make a huge difference to the issues humanity faces, but by golly, it seems like it’d be worth a shot. It doesn’t seem like it […]

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My Wife Just Said… #294

Posted by on December 5th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Kids make sleep an endangered species. My kids are particularly antipathetic toward my sleep schedule because no matter how late they go to bed, they wake up at the same hour. WHAT THE HELL. THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS, KIDS. But you’d never expect the fallout of having children to include everything they own ALSO […]

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My Wife Just Said… #293

Posted by on November 28th, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

Nature is great. It’s wonderful. Beautiful. Majestic. But so is sleep. And when Jiminy Cricket crashes your bedroom like a drunken friend stumbling out of an unfortunately instructed Uber ride, fully ready to serenade you with insect dubstep for rest of the night, nature can seem like the worst thing ever. Anyone would rather discover […]

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My Wife Just Said… #292

Posted by on November 21st, 2016, under "MY WIFE JUST SAID..."

The extremes of parenting vary wildly. Some days you are so tired you can’t open your eyes, a bottle, a jar or DVD boxset of Star Wars so you can just get a minute in peace on the couch. Others, you’re hyper-aware. Your finely tuned parent senses are on overdrive and set to 11. Every […]

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