INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS
Is there a word for the opposite of “educational”? That’s what these are. These diagrams illustrate why caffeine and insomnia don’t mix well.
Baby Teeth & Other Ferocious Fangs
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New baby teeth are such a fake out. As a parent, you suffer so much for those little things to come in, so when they do, you almost want to do backflips, build a bonfire and set off fireworks. Maybe we’re talking about me at this point, but in any case, it’s a huge achievement, a life experience never to be forgotten. But, remember, you could use these same words to describe surviving a shark attack…
Baby teeth are sharp! Babies are so amazing, however, you sit there chuckling like a moron juggling grenades, drunk on the cuteness. As a dad, you’ve got the little drooling one on your knee and you stick out a soon-to-be-unfortunate knuckle – BLAM!!! Aaaaarg! Or, as a breastfeeding mom, you sit there in the afternoon glow with the nestling angel, whip out a boob and – BLAM!!! Yeeeeeow!
Some have mentioned that tickling a baby is the best way to get them to release their razor-clamp, but please be warned, it can just as often result in a harder bite. Also, if someone told you that the best way to stop a Great White from gnawing you in half was to tickle its nose, would you really be capable of recalling that tip in the moment, let alone putting it into practice?
I’m not trying to instill fear in anyone, I’m just trying to say that snakes apparently do not appreciate you relieving yourself two feet away and that baby teeth are supercalifragilisticexpialidociously sharp. So, be cautious about where you drop trou’ in the woods, and give your nipples and knuckles the same consideration when a baby has just gotten some of its teeth.
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Facebook always seems like it’s teething…
No, seriously. Doesn’t it?
Verop torlap insortiata
That’s not Latin. Uhhhh, yeah. Our Instructional Diagrams make about as much sense as that.
The Black Hole Zone of Cribs, Car Seats & Stollers
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Before you have kids, it doesn’t seem possible you could lose much in a crib, car seat or stroller. They’re just a frame with bars and a frilly mattress, a cushioned bucket with a test-pilot’s buckling system and an over-sized folding chair on wheels covered by fabric. None of these are exactly the Amazon Forest. Right? Wrong!
As a parent, you do lose things. You could have sworn… well, you do swear. A lot. But you could have sworn it’d be in one of these places. You search and hunt and practically dismantle the dang things to their nuts and bolts, but… nothing! You think you’re losing your mind. And you feel like a total negligent slob from the nastiness of what you do find along the way in your quest. How could all of this stuff have wound up here!?! you might wonder to yourself in italics.
Then, later, as if some demonic spirit has decided the cruel test of your sanity is ready for the bonus round, the missing thing will pop up suddenly there in the nooks and folds of the thing when you’re not even looking for it. You can almost hear the echoing evil “Muhuhahahah!” as you stare at the found item, right in front of you. Where you’d searched. Repeatedly.
You failed to realize that you were searching though another dimension. A dimension beyond that which is known to dad or mom. A dimension as vast as the parking lot of the local mega-mall and as endless as amusement park lines. The middle ground between nursery rhymes and gibbering madness. You just crossed over into the Black Hole Zone. (insert dramatic base drums and creepy, sharp flute sounds)
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Facebook is like a black hole…
You won’t find your car keys there, but you’ll find us.
Instructional Diagrams
Okay, these are also like a black hole. But you won’t mind getting sucked in.
Ninja Parent Lessons: The Scissor Kiss
Ninjas have long known that the skill of being able to kill someone with one arm tied behind their back was a worthy achievement. For parents, this level of skill can become useful in the task of keeping someone ALIVE with an arm tied behind your back.
Most people don’t realize that the ancient art of ninjas can benefit the modern day parent. It’s not all flying kicks and summersaults. For either of them. Though admittedly, those are the best parts. For the ninjas, not parents.
What is The One-Armed Dragon Series, you ask? When caring for a baby, you’re often deprived of the use of one arm because it’s otherwise occupied holding the baby or holding it at bay. When you’re a ninja, it’s the same. Because they also have babies and also because sometimes one of their arms gets lopped off in an epic duel of blades and shadows. The point is, they’re pros at making the most of it, with the least. And this series focuses on this specific skill set.
Don’t be discouraged. Just think how much easier the training will be for you. Ninjas have to learn to perform The Scissor Kiss with a mask on! So, practice and use The Scissor Kiss to up your parenting game. Be a ninja parent!
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Maskbook?
Ninjas don’t show their faces online.
More Ninja Stuff
Maybe a course in ninjas is in order.
Baby Fingernails & Other Deadly Edged Weapons
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Baby fingernails are so sharp they make razor blades seem like warm gummy bears in comparison. If you’ve got kids, you’ve probably experienced the sudden sizzling pain of your baby’s nails accidentally giving you inexpert plastic surgery. You’ve probably heard this phrase before, “Ooooo. What happened to your face?” Or, my fave, “What did you do to yourself?” It takes a great deal of effort for me not to answer with something about taking a power drill with the trigger duct taped on full-blast and trying to balance it on the tip of my nose.
Okay. Maybe this Instructional Diagram has something to do with the fact that my toddler son went all Wolverine on my nose and lip a couple of days ago, and I’ve had to endure a sting every time I smile (which is a lot) and every time I talk (which is even more). Baby nails are sharp (fingers AND toes), and trimming the little edged weapons is easier said than done.
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Can you get a paper cut on Facebook?
No. The was just a dumb, humorous question to get you to Like us on Facebook.
FUNstructional Diagrams!
Yeah. That was dumb, too. Sorry.
