How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Is there a word for the opposite of “educational”? That’s what these are. These diagrams illustrate why caffeine and insomnia don’t mix well.

Santa Claus vs. Pregnant Woman

Posted by on December 21st, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  [ click the image to enlarge ] In our Versus series, normally we’re all about pointing out the striking similarities between a baby and unusual figures like a zombie, Godzilla, a redneck, etc. But today we’re taking a look earlier, before a baby is even born. A pregnant woman. And Santa Claus. We know […]

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Baby Sleep Positions: “The Neck Scarf”

Posted by on December 13th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  When the cold weather hits us parents—b-r-r-r-r-r!—what better way to stay warm in the chill of night than, uhhhhh… to wrap your head and neck in the warmth and comfort of… your baby? Yeah, no one’s buying it, we know. But, hey, it happens. Whether we want it to or not. Maybe your sleeping […]

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New Hazard Signs for Parents

Posted by on December 6th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Anything in life is dangerous. Parenting is no exception, in fact, it’s more like a lens that magnifies danger by a factor of a bazillion. For those of you not familiar with the numeric value of a “bazillion,” just know that it’s about three quarters of a double infinity. Don’t worry! We’re not trying to […]

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The Calories Burned by Parenting

Posted by on November 29th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

It’s the holidays. Yay! We’ve all been double-fisting massive quantities of amazing food into our faces. Waistbands are beginning to groan in protest of the holiday splurging. Maybe some of us have nursed our guilt hangovers with super-protein-food-green-substance drinks, or spritzes of vinaigrette instead of avalanches of blue cheese dressing, it doesn’t matter. You get […]

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Part Deuce! Types of Diaper Loads

Posted by on November 22nd, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click the image to enlarge ] Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Of course, we’re going to do an Instructional Diagram about poop before the biggest eating holiday on Earth. We’re dads. Which means we’re men who are in the possession of babies. Do the math. It all equals poop jokes. We always knew […]

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Godzilla vs. Baby

Posted by on November 15th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  [ click the image to enlarge ] Consider this a crash course in emergency preparedness for expectant parents, or a badge of acknowledgement for those parents who’ve already made it through. Also, if there does actually happen to be an attack on your city from a giant monster born of atomic testing, know that […]

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The (Secret) Front-Middle Pocket

Posted by on November 8th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

It’s the secret that everyone knows about. It doesn’t really have an official name because it isn’t spoken of, but if it were given a name it might be humorously called “the hand holster,” “pouch o’ grapes” or the “family jewel vault.” I like to call it simply and plainly the “front-middle pocket” or FMP. […]

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Bad Product Idea #5: Tranquoo Child Anti-Wakefulness System

Posted by on November 1st, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click the image to enlarge ] There is nothing more precious, more beautiful, than the image of your child in a deep, restful and rosey-cheeked slumber. But that preciousness and beauty is multiplied by 10,000 when it follows the utter, sanity-testing misery of your child screaming, flailing and refusing to go to sleep for […]

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Baby Sleep Positions: “H Is for Hell”

Posted by on October 25th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  Every parent knows this letter. Fears it! It’s the H. Some may say it stands for “horrible” but don’t listen to them, they’re just whitewashing it. It stands for Hell. And it’s the kind of night you’re both going to have. This was one of the first “baby in bed” sleep positions we noted […]

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A “Poopulear Reactor”

Posted by on October 18th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click here to enlarge the image ] What in the actual hell is going on here? That’s what you might be asking yourself. Understandably. That’s exactly what I asked myself when I found this “schematic” shoved between two stuffed dinosaurs guarding it in my son’s room. Now, I’m no physicist nor am I very […]

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