How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad


Is there a word for the opposite of “educational”? That’s what these are. These diagrams illustrate why caffeine and insomnia don’t mix well.

The Calories Burned by Parenting

Posted by on November 29th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

It’s the holidays. Yay! We’ve all been double-fisting massive quantities of amazing food into our faces. Waistbands are beginning to groan in protest of the holiday splurging. Maybe some of us have nursed our guilt hangovers with super-protein-food-green-substance drinks, or spritzes of vinaigrette instead of avalanches of blue cheese dressing, it doesn’t matter. You get […]

Comments: 50

Part Deuce! Types of Diaper Loads

Posted by on November 22nd, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click the image to enlarge ] Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Of course, we’re going to do an Instructional Diagram about poop before the biggest eating holiday on Earth. We’re dads. Which means we’re men who are in the possession of babies. Do the math. It all equals poop jokes. We always knew […]

Comments: 75

Godzilla vs. Baby

Posted by on November 15th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  [ click the image to enlarge ] Consider this a crash course in emergency preparedness for expectant parents, or a badge of acknowledgement for those parents who’ve already made it through. Also, if there does actually happen to be an attack on your city from a giant monster born of atomic testing, know that […]

Comments: 22

The (Secret) Front-Middle Pocket

Posted by on November 8th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

It’s the secret that everyone knows about. It doesn’t really have an official name because it isn’t spoken of, but if it were given a name it might be humorously called “the hand holster,” “pouch o’ grapes” or the “family jewel vault.” I like to call it simply and plainly the “front-middle pocket” or FMP. […]

Comments: 32

Bad Product Idea #5: Tranquoo Child Anti-Wakefulness System

Posted by on November 1st, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click the image to enlarge ] There is nothing more precious, more beautiful, than the image of your child in a deep, restful and rosey-cheeked slumber. But that preciousness and beauty is multiplied by 10,000 when it follows the utter, sanity-testing misery of your child screaming, flailing and refusing to go to sleep for […]

Comments: 68

Baby Sleep Positions: “H Is for Hell”

Posted by on October 25th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  Every parent knows this letter. Fears it! It’s the H. Some may say it stands for “horrible” but don’t listen to them, they’re just whitewashing it. It stands for Hell. And it’s the kind of night you’re both going to have. This was one of the first “baby in bed” sleep positions we noted […]

Comments: 142

A “Poopulear Reactor”

Posted by on October 18th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click here to enlarge the image ] What in the actual hell is going on here? That’s what you might be asking yourself. Understandably. That’s exactly what I asked myself when I found this “schematic” shoved between two stuffed dinosaurs guarding it in my son’s room. Now, I’m no physicist nor am I very […]

Comments: 29

“Disposable” Before & After a Baby

Posted by on October 11th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Words have a habit of taking on different meanings and associations from different circumstances or points of view. Becoming a parent isn’t just a change, it’s massive reconstructive surgery for your life. “Disposable” is just one of the words with multiple definitions and associations that may undergo a shift. “Monitor” may once have had something […]

Comments: 23

The Cycle of Manhood (Illustrated)

Posted by on October 4th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click here to enlarge the image ] Everyone has a father. That sounds like a dumb statement at first. And it may continue to sound so. But it seems like it’s just taken for granted. Really think about it: your father had a father who had a father who had a father… and on […]

Comments: 17

Baby Sleep Positions: “Booby Trap”

Posted by on September 28th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

   I occassionally use the idol swap scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark as a metaphor when talking about needing to cleverly replace or switch something so that no bad effects occur, but I just realized… it didn’t actually work out so well for Indie. Ha ha! Coming back from the bathroom, you cautiously […]

Comments: 33