How to Be a Dad

How to Be a Dad

INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Is there a word for the opposite of “educational”? That’s what these are. These diagrams illustrate why caffeine and insomnia don’t mix well.

ChocoHead Edible Baby Helmet (Bad Product Idea #6)

Posted by on January 3rd, 2012, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click the image to enlarge ] All parents want to do it. We restrain ourselves. We settle for kisses and nibbles. But the adorableness of babies can be like an all-you-can-eat buffet spread out before a fashion model who just retired and broke up with her boyfriend! We all want so bad to nom […]

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The Ways a Toy Can Suck for a Parent

Posted by on December 27th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Now that most of us have made it through the gift-giving bonanza of the holidays, you might be saying to us, “Gee thanks! You could’ve posted this BEFORE my holiday shoppageddon!” To which our reply would be, “Hey! We were busy buying toys for our kids that we’d regret or suffer through, too!!!” Plus, even […]

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Santa Claus vs. Pregnant Woman

Posted by on December 21st, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  [ click the image to enlarge ] In our Versus series, normally we’re all about pointing out the striking similarities between a baby and unusual figures like a zombie, Godzilla, a redneck, etc. But today we’re taking a look earlier, before a baby is even born. A pregnant woman. And Santa Claus. We know […]

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Baby Sleep Positions: “The Neck Scarf”

Posted by on December 13th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  When the cold weather hits us parents—b-r-r-r-r-r!—what better way to stay warm in the chill of night than, uhhhhh… to wrap your head and neck in the warmth and comfort of… your baby? Yeah, no one’s buying it, we know. But, hey, it happens. Whether we want it to or not. Maybe your sleeping […]

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New Hazard Signs for Parents

Posted by on December 6th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

Anything in life is dangerous. Parenting is no exception, in fact, it’s more like a lens that magnifies danger by a factor of a bazillion. For those of you not familiar with the numeric value of a “bazillion,” just know that it’s about three quarters of a double infinity. Don’t worry! We’re not trying to […]

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The Calories Burned by Parenting

Posted by on November 29th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

It’s the holidays. Yay! We’ve all been double-fisting massive quantities of amazing food into our faces. Waistbands are beginning to groan in protest of the holiday splurging. Maybe some of us have nursed our guilt hangovers with super-protein-food-green-substance drinks, or spritzes of vinaigrette instead of avalanches of blue cheese dressing, it doesn’t matter. You get […]

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Part Deuce! Types of Diaper Loads

Posted by on November 22nd, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click the image to enlarge ] Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Of course, we’re going to do an Instructional Diagram about poop before the biggest eating holiday on Earth. We’re dads. Which means we’re men who are in the possession of babies. Do the math. It all equals poop jokes. We always knew […]

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Godzilla vs. Baby

Posted by on November 15th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

  [ click the image to enlarge ] Consider this a crash course in emergency preparedness for expectant parents, or a badge of acknowledgement for those parents who’ve already made it through. Also, if there does actually happen to be an attack on your city from a giant monster born of atomic testing, know that […]

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The (Secret) Front-Middle Pocket

Posted by on November 8th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

It’s the secret that everyone knows about. It doesn’t really have an official name because it isn’t spoken of, but if it were given a name it might be humorously called “the hand holster,” “pouch o’ grapes” or the “family jewel vault.” I like to call it simply and plainly the “front-middle pocket” or FMP. […]

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Bad Product Idea #5: Tranquoo Child Anti-Wakefulness System

Posted by on November 1st, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS

[ click the image to enlarge ] There is nothing more precious, more beautiful, than the image of your child in a deep, restful, rosey-cheeked slumber. But that preciousness and beauty is multiplied by 10,000 when it follows the utter, sanity-testing misery of your child screaming, flailing and refusing to go to sleep for an […]

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