INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS
Is there a word for the opposite of “educational”? That’s what these are. These diagrams illustrate why caffeine and insomnia don’t mix well.
Guy Sign Language
Why didn’t I call this one Dad Sign Language? Since it’s so obviously a necessary skill for a man who has sleeping kids in his life: to say things silently. The thing is, I realized that this applies to men long before they procreate.
Understanding this specialized communication method* should be useful to women. Trying to fathom what is rattling around in the heads of the opposite sex will always be an uphill battle for both sides, so reinforcements are always welcome. Consider this a clear look at the smart kid’s paper in class while the teacher is away in the bathroom. Take your time, in my metaphor she had some bad Mexican food last night.
Okay, maybe men and dads aren’t always the best communicators, even when they’re trying to do it with hand gestures. But we try!
* Please note, this is not yet officially validated by any association or organization related to impaired hearing or deafness. It should not be attempted on people with actual hearing problems or people who know traditional sign language.
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Instructional Diagrams
Hmmmm. “Instructional Diagrams”? Maybe only one of those words is accurate. Guess which one?
Safety from Children: Baseball Bat Warning
Attention: Adults trying out new things tend to suck pretty badly at them at first. Kids are the same in this respect, only smaller and more energetic. It’s this smallness though, that happens to create a dramatic increase in Peril for nearby adults. You see, for a child, when something goes wrong while learning or practicing, it’s going to happen at a lower height. Hence PERIL! “Hitting foul balls” takes on a new dimension. A really bad dimension.
Remember, it’s hard to teach anyone anything when you’re lying on the ground writhing in pain, so wear the proper protective gear. Feel free to over-do it. Duct-taping a catcher’s mask to the front of your pants may seem silly, but it won’t seem silly the moment you hear the loud clunk of a baseball bat striking it at full speed.
Peril is everywhere children are. Play safely! Teach safely!
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More Warning Signs
You’re going to need ‘em.
Instructional Diagrams
You just hit the jackpot.
Skid Marks: When to Wash ‘Em, When to Toss ‘Em
…it happens. It’s a fact of life. I wish we could say this chart was only for parents doing mountains of their kid’s or teen’s laundry, but we have to admit it… this chart is for everyone. Younger and older, male and female. It’s true. …it happens. And not just to little kids’ tighty-whities after an atomic wedgy. It’s not just about g-strings, either. Because even parachute-pant-style boxers are not safe.
Also! Our Valentine’s Day Gift to You
Romance tips you won’t ever forget.
You’re welcome.
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More Instructional Diagrams?
We’ve got loads more. Some of them even have the word “loads” in their titles.
Baby Sleep Positions: “The Roundhouse Kick”
The nighttime abuse we take as parents is a testament to how much we love heading to bed with the baby on board. Co-sleeping is special or at least necessary for some, but a lot of people don’t know that it can also occasionally be a good way to get a bloody nose or an impressive black eye. You don’t need a kick to head to figure this one out, but it would help to illustrate the point.
Because I get such a kick (pun intended) out of all the joke Chuck Norris expressions on the interwebs, I have to add that if the baby depicted in this Instructional Diagram were actually a baby version of Chuck Norris, instead of waking up abruptly, this roundhouse kick to the head would have put him to sleep forever. Ha ha! Okay sorry, I’m done.
My wife and I have loved having our little one in bed with us. Despite all the punches and kicks and scratches we’ve received from our little sleep-fighting lad. Hmmmmm… That makes me think of something: remember, parents, sleep safely with your baby. I’m not just talking about your baby, I mean you as well! Maybe if you slept with a helmet that has a face-shield? It might not be as uncomfortable as you’d think! Maybe.
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